burlesques-第75章

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Protestant　onceLord　Brougham　by　name。　　I　have　sent　to　him　to

legislate　for　us：　he　is　wise　in　the　law；　and　astrology；　and　all

sciences；　he　shall　aid　my　Ministers　in　their　councils。　　I　have

written　to　him　by　the　post。　　There　shall　be　no　more　infamous　mad…

houses　in　France；　where　poor　souls　shiver　in　strait…waistcoats。



〃'I　recognized　Louis　Philippe；　my　good　cousin。　　He　was　in　his

counting…house；　counting　out　his　money；　as　the　old　prophecy　warned

me。　　He　gave　me　up　the　keys　of　his　gold；　I　shall　know　well　how　to

use　it。　　Taught　by　adversity；　I　am　not　a　spendthrift；　neither　am　I

a　miser。　　I　will　endow　the　land　with　noble　institutions　instead　of

diabolical　forts。　　I　will　have　no　more　cannon　founded。　　They　are　a

curse　and　shall　be　meltedthe　iron　ones　into　railroads；　the　bronze

ones　into　statues　of　beautiful　saints；　angels；　and　wise　men；　the

copper　ones　into　money；　to　be　distributed　among　my　poor。　　I　was

poor　once；　and　I　love　them。



〃'There　shall　be　no　more　poverty；　no　more　wars；　no　more　avarice；　no

more　passports；　no　more　custom…houses；　no　more　lying：　no　more

physic。



〃'My　Chambers　will　put　the　seal　to　these　reforms。　　I　will　it。　　I　am

the　king。



（Signed）　　'Louis。'〃





〃Some　alarm　was　created　yesterday　by　the　arrival　of　a　body　of　the

English　Foot…Guard　under　the　Duke　of　Jenkins；　they　were　at　first

about　to　sack　the　city；　but　on　hearing　that　the　banner　of　the

lilies　was　once　more　raised　in　France；　the　Duke　hastened　to　the

Tuileries；　and　offered　his　allegiance　to　his　Majesty。　　It　was

accepted：　and　the　Plush　Guard　has　been　established　in　place　of　the

Swiss；　who　waited　on　former　sovereigns。〃





〃The　Irish　Brigade　quartered　in　the　Tuileries　are　to　enter　our

service。　　Their　commander　states　that　they　took　every　one　of　the

forts　round　Paris；　and　having　blown　them　up；　were　proceeding　to

release　Louis　XVII。；　when　they　found　that　august　monarch；　happily；

free。　　News　of　their　glorious　victory　has　been　conveyed　to　Dublin；

to　his　Majesty　the　King　of　the　Irish。　　It　will　be　a　new　laurel　to

add　to　his　green　crown！〃





And　thus　have　we　brought　to　a　conclusion　our　history　of　the　great

French　Revolution　of　1884。　　It　records　the　actions　of　great　and

various　characters；　the　deeds　of　various　valor；　it　narrates

wonderful　reverses　of　fortune；　it　affords　the　moralist　scope　for

his　philosophy；　perhaps　it　gives　amusement　to　the　merely　idle

reader。　　Nor　must　the　latter　imagine；　because　there　is　not　a

precise　moral　affixed　to　the　story；　that　its　tendency　is　otherwise

than　good。　　He　is　a　poor　reader；　for　whom　his　author　is　obliged　to

supply　a　moral　application。　　It　is　well　in　spelling…books　and　for

children；　it　is　needless　for　the　reflecting　spirit。　　The　drama　of

Punch　himself　is　not　moral：　but　that　drama　has　had　audiences　all

over　the　world。　　Happy　he；　who　in　our　dark　times　can　cause　a　smile！

Let　us　laugh　then；　and　gladden　in　the　sunshine；　though　it　be　but　as

the　ray　upon　the　pool；　that　flickers　only　over　the　cold　black

depths　below！









COX'S　DIARY。



THE　ANNOUNCEMENT。





On　the　1st　of　January；　1838；　I　was　the　master　of　a　lovely　shop　in

the　neighborhood　of　Oxford　Market；　of　a　wife；　Mrs。　Cox；　of　a

business；　both　in　the　shaving　and　cutting　line；　established　three…

and…thirty　years；　of　a　girl　and　boy　respectively　of　the　ages　of

eighteen　and　thirteen；　of　a　three…windowed　front；　both　to　my　first

and　second　pair；　of　a　young　foreman；　my　present　partner；　Mr。

Orlando　Crump；　and　of　that　celebrated　mixture　for　the　human　hair；

invented　by　my　late　uncle；　and　called　Cox's　Bohemian　Balsam　of

Tokay；　sold　in　pots　at　two…and…three　and　three…and…nine。　　The

balsam；　the　lodgings；　and　the　old…established　cutting　and　shaving

business　brought　me　in　a　pretty　genteel　income。　　I　had　my　girl；

Jemimarann；　at　Hackney；　to　school；　my　dear　boy；　Tuggeridge；　plaited

her　hair　beautifully；　my　wife　at　the　counter　（behind　the　tray　of

patent　soaps；　&c。）　cut　as　handsome　a　figure　as　possible；　and　it　was

my　hope　that　Orlando　and　my　girl；　who　were　mighty　soft　upon　one

another；　would　one　day　be　joined　together　in　Hyming；　and；

conjointly　with　my　son　Tug；　carry　on　the　business　of　hairdressers

when　their　father　was　either　dead　or　a　gentleman：　for　a　gentleman

me　and　Mrs。　C。　determined　I　should　be。



Jemima　was；　you　see；　a　lady　herself；　and　of　very　high　connections：

though　her　own　family　had　met　with　crosses；　and　was　rather　low。

Mr。　Tuggeridge；　her　father；　kept　the　famous　tripe…shop　near　the

〃Pigtail　and　Sparrow；〃　in　the　Whitechapel　Road；　from　which　place　I

married　her；　being　myself　very　fond　of　the　article；　and　especially

when　she　served　it　to　methe　dear　thing！



Jemima's　father　was　not　successful　in　business：　and　I　married　her；

I　am　proud　to　confess　it；　without　a　shilling。　　I　had　my　hands；　my

house；　and　my　Bohemian　balsam　to　support　her！and　we　had　hopes

from　her　uncle；　a　mighty　rich　East　India　merchant；　who；　having　left

this　country　sixty　years　ago　as　a　cabin…boy；　had　arrived　to　be　the

head　of　a　great　house　in　India；　and　was　worth　millions；　we　were

told。



Three　years　after　Jemimarann's　birth　（and　two　after　the　death　of　my

lamented　father…in…law）；　Tuggeridge　（head　of　the　great　house　of

Budgurow　and　Co。）　retired　from　the　management　of　it；　handed　over

his　shares　to　his　son；　Mr。　John　Tuggeridge；　and　came　to　live　in

England；　at　Portland　Place；　and　Tuggeridgeville；　Surrey；　and　enjoy

himself。　　Soon　after；　my　wife　took　her　daughter　in　her　hand　and

went；　as　in　duty　bound；　to　visit　her　uncle：　but　whether　it　was　that

he　was　proud　and　surly；　or　she　somewhat　sharp　in　her　way；　（the　dear

girl　fears　nobody；　let　me　have　you　to　know；）　a　desperate　quarrel

took　place　between　them；　and　from　that　day　to　the　day　of　his　death；

he　never　set　eyes　on　her。　　All　that　he　would　condescend　to　do；　was

to　take　a　few　dozen　of　lavender…water　from　us　in　the　course　of　the

year；　and　to　send　his　servants　to　be　cut　and　shaved　by　us。　　All　the

neighbors　laughed　at　this　poor　ending　of　our　expectations；　for

Jemmy　had　bragged　not　a　little；　however；　we　did　not　care；　for　the

connection　was　always　a　good　one；　and　we　served　Mr。　Hock；　the

valet；　Mr。　Bar；　the　coachman；　and　Mrs。　Breadbasket；　the　housekeeper；

willingly　enough。　　I　used　to　powder　the　footman；　too；　on　great　days；

but　never　in　my　life　saw　old　Tuggeridge；　except　once：　when　he　said

〃Oh；　the　barber！〃　tossed　up　his　nose；　and　passed　on。



One　dayone　famous　day　last　Januaryall　our　Market　was　thrown

into　a　high　state　of　excitement　by　the　appearance　of　no　less　than

three　vehicles　at　our　establishment。　　As　me；　Jemmy；　my　daughter；

Tug；　and　Orlando；　were　sitting　in　the　back…parlor　over　our　dinner

（it　being　Christmas…time；　Mr。　Crump　had　treated　the　ladies　to　a

bottle　of　port；　and　was　longing　that　there　should　be　a　mistletoe…

bough：　at　which　proposal　my　little　Jemimarann　looked　as　red　as　a

glass　of　negus）：we　had　just；　I　say；　finished　the　port；　when；　all

of　a　sudden；　Tug　bellows　out；　〃La；　Pa；　here's　uncle　Tuggeridge's

housekeeper　in　a　cab！〃



And　Mrs。　Breadbasket　it　was；　sure　enoughMrs。　Breadbasket　in　deep

mourning；　who　made　her　way；　bowing　and　looking　very　sad；　into　the

back　shop。　　My　wife；　who　respected　Mrs。　B。　more　than　anything　else

in　the　world；　set　her　a　chair；　offered　her　a　glass　of　wine；　and

vowed　it　was　very　kind　of　her　to　come。　　〃La；　mem；〃　says　Mrs。　B。；

〃I'm　sure　I'd　do　anything　to　serve　your　family；　for　the　sake　of

that　poor　dear　Tuck…Tuck…tug…guggeridge；　that's　gone。〃



〃That's　what？〃　cries　my　wife。



〃What；　gone？〃　cried　Jemimarann；　bursting　out　crying　（as　little

girls　will　about　anything　or　nothing）；　and　Orlando　looking　very

rueful；　and　ready　to　cry　too。



〃Yes；　gaw〃　　Just　as　she　was　at　this　very　〃gaw〃　Tug　roars　out；

〃La；　Pa！　here's　Mr。　Bar；　uncle　Tug's　coachman！〃



It　was　Mr。　Bar。　　When　she　saw　him；　Mrs。　Breadbasket　stepped

suddenly　back　into　the　parlor　with　my　ladies。　　〃What　is　it；　Mr。

Bar？〃　says　I；　and　as　quick　as　thought；　I　had　the　towel　under　his

chin；　Mr。　Bar　in　the　chair；　and　the　whole　of　his　face　in　a

beautiful　foam　of　lather。　　Mr。　Bar　made　some　resistance。〃Don't

think　of　it；　Mr。　Cox；〃　says　he；　〃don't　trouble　yourself；　sir。〃　　But

I　lathered　away　and　never　minded。　　〃And　what's　this　melancholy

event；　sir；〃　says　I；　〃that　has　spread　desolation　in　your　family's

bosoms？　　I　can　feel　for　your　loss；　sirI　can　feel　for　your　loss。〃



I　said　so　out　of　politeness；　because　I　served　the　family；　not

because　Tuggeridge　was　my　uncleno；　as　such　I　disown　him。



Mr。　Bar　was　just　about　to　speak。　　〃Yes；　sir；〃　says　he；　〃my　master's

gaw〃　when　at　the　〃gaw〃　in　walks　Mr。　Hock；　the　own　man！the

finest　gentleman　I　ever　saw。



〃What；　YOU　here；　Mr。　Bar！〃　says　he。



〃Yes；　I　am；　sir；　and　haven't　I　a　right；　sir？〃



〃A　mighty　wet　day；　sir；〃　says　I　to　Mr。　Hockstepping　up　and　making

my　bow。　　〃A　sad　circumstance　too；　sir！　　And　is　it　a　turn　of　the

tongs　that　you　want　to…day；　sir？　　Ho；　there；　Mr。　Crump！〃



〃Turn；　Mr。　Crump；　if　you　please；　sir；〃　said　Mr。　Hock；　making　a　bow：

〃but　from　you；　sir；　neverno；　never；　split　me！and　I　wonder　how

some　fellows　can　have　the　INSOLENCE　to　allow　their　MASTERS　to　shave

them！〃　　With　this；　Mr。　Hock　flung　himself　down　to　be　curled：　Mr。

Bar　suddenly　opened　his　mouth　in　order　to　reply；　but　seeing　there

was　a　tiff　between　the　gentlemen；　and　wanting　to　prevent　a　quarrel；

I　rammed　the　Advertiser　into　Mr。　Hock's　hands；　and　just　popped　my

shaving…brush　into　Mr。　Bar's　moutha　capital　way　to　stop　angry

answers。



Mr。　Bar　had　hardly　been　in　the　chair　one　second；　when　whir　comes　a

hackney…coach　to　the　door；　from　which　springs　a　gentleman　in　a

black　coat　with　a　bag。



〃What；　you　here！〃　says　the　gentleman。　　I　could　not　help　smiling；

for　it　seemed　that　everybody　was　to　begin　by　saying；　〃What；　YOU

here！〃　　〃Your　name　is　Cox；　sir？〃　says　he；　smiling　too；　as　the　very

pattern　of　mine。　　〃My　name；　sir；　is　Sharpus；Blunt；　Hone　and

Sharpus；　Middle　Temple　Lane；and　I　am　proud　to　salute　you；　sir；

happy；that　is　to　say；　sorry　to　say　that　Mr。　Tuggeridge；　of

Portland　Place；　is　dead；　and　your　lady　is　heiress；　in　consequence；

to　one　of　the　handsomest　properties　in　the　kingdom。〃



At　this　I　started；　and　might　have　sunk　to　the　ground；　but　for　my

hold　of　Mr。　Bar's　nose；　Orlando　seemed　putrified　to　stone；　with　his

irons　fixed　to　Mr。　Hock's　head；　our　respective　patients　gave　a

wince　out：Mrs。　C。；　Jemimarann；　and　Tug；　rushed　from　the　back

shop；　and　we　formed　a　splendid　tableau　such　as　the　great　Cruikshank

might　have　depicted。



〃And　Mr。　John　Tuggeridge；　sir？〃　says　I。



〃Whyhee；　hee；　hee！〃　says　Mr。　Sharpus。　　〃Surely　you　know　that　he

was　only　thehee；　hee；　hee！the　natural　son！〃



You　now　can　understand　why　the　servants　from　Portland　Place　had

been　so　eager　to　come　to　us。　　One　of　the　house…maids　heard　Mr。

Sharpus　say　there　was　no　will；　and　that　my　wife　was　heir　to　the

property；　and　not　Mr。　John　Tuggeridge：　this　she　told　in　the

housekeeper's　room；　and　off；