burlesques-第76章

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property；　and　not　Mr。　John　Tuggeridge：　this　she　told　in　the

housekeeper's　room；　and　off；　as　soon　as　they　heard　it；　the　whole

party　set；　in　order　to　be　the　first　to　bear　the　news。



We　kept　them；　every　one　in　their　old　places；　for；　though　my　wife

would　have　sent　them　about　their　business；　my　dear　Jemimarann　just

hinted；　〃Mamma；　you　know　THEY　have　been　used　to　great　houses；　and

we　have　not；　had　we　not　better　keep　them　for　a　little？〃Keep　them；

then；　we　did；　to　show　us　how　to　be　gentlefolks。



I　handed　over　the　business　to　Mr。　Crump　without　a　single　farthing

of　premium；　though　Jemmy　would　have　made　me　take　four　hundred

pounds　for　it；　but　this　I　was　above：　Crump　had　served　me

faithfully；　and　have　the　shop　he　should。





FIRST　ROUT。





We　were　speedily　installed　in　our　fine　house：　but　what's　a　house

without　friends？　　Jemmy　made　me　CUT　all　my　old　acquaintances　in

the　Market；　and　I　was　a　solitary　being；　when；　luckily；　an　old

acquaintance　of　ours；　Captain　Tagrag；　was　so　kind　as　to　promise　to

introduce　us　into　distinguished　society。　　Tagrag　was　the　son　of　a

baronet；　and　had　done　us　the　honor　of　lodging　with　us　for　two

years；　when　we　lost　sight　of　him；　and　of　his　little　account；　too；

by　the　way。　　A　fortnight　after；　hearing　of　our　good　fortune；　he　was

among　us　again；　however；　and　Jemmy　was　not　a　little　glad　to　see

him；　knowing　him　to　be　a　baronet's　son；　and　very　fond　of　our

Jemimarann。　　Indeed；　Orlando　（who　is　as　brave　as　a　lion）　had　on　one

occasion　absolutely　beaten　Mr。　Tagrag　for　being　rude　to　the　poor

girl：　a　clear　proof；　as　Tagrag　said　afterwards；　that　he　was　always

fond　of　her。



Mr。　Crump；　poor　fellow；　was　not　very　much　pleased　by　our　good

fortune；　though　he　did　all　he　could　to　try　at　first；　and　I　told　him

to　come　and　take　his　dinner　regular；　as　if　nothing　had　happened。

But　to　this　Jemima　very　soon　put　a　stop；　for　she　came　very　justly

to　know　her　stature；　and　to　look　down　on　Crump；　which　she　bid　her

daughter　to　do；　and；　after　a　great　scene；　in　which　Orlando　showed

himself　very　rude　and　angry；　he　was　forbidden　the　housefor　ever！



So　much　for　poor　Crump。　　The　Captain　was　now　all　in　all　with　us。

〃You　see；　sir；〃　our　Jemmy　would　say；　〃we　shall　have　our　town　and

country　mansion；　and　a　hundred　and　thirty　thousand　pounds　in　the

funds；　to　leave　between　our　two　children；　and；　with　such　prospects；

they　ought　surely　to　have　the　first　society　of　England。〃　　To　this

Tagrag　agreed；　and　promised　to　bring　us　acquainted　with　the　very

pink　of　the　fashion；　ay；　and　what's　more；　did。



First；　he　made　my　wife　get　an　opera…box；　and　give　suppers　on

Tuesdays　and　Saturdays。　　As　for　me；　he　made　me　ride　in　the　Park：　me

and　Jemimarann；　with　two　grooms　behind　us；　who　used　to　laugh　all

the　way；　and　whose　very　beards　I　had　shaved。　　As　for　little　Tug；　he

was　sent　straight　off　to　the　most　fashionable　school　in　the

kingdom；　the　Reverend　Doctor　Pigney's；　at　Richmond。



Well；　the　horses；　the　suppers；　the　opera…box；　the　paragraphs　in　the

papers　about　Mr。　Coxe　Coxe　（that's　the　way：　double　your　name　and

stick　an　〃e〃　to　the　end　of　it；　and　you　are　a　gentleman　at　once）；

had　an　effect　in　a　wonderfully　short　space　of　time；　and　we　began　to

get　a　very　pretty　society　about　us。　　Some　of　old　Tug's　friends

swore　they　would　do　anything　for　the　family；　and　brought　their

wives　and　daughters　to　see　dear　Mrs。　Coxe　and　her　charming　girl；

and　when；　about　the　first　week　in　February；　we　announced　a　grand

dinner　and　ball　for　the　evening　of　the　twenty…eighth；　I　assure　you

there　was　no　want　of　company：　no；　nor　of　titles　neither；　and　it

always　does　my　heart　good　even　to　hear　one　mentioned。



Let　me　see。　　There　was；　first；　my　Lord　Dunboozle；　an　Irish　peer；

and　his　seven　sons；　the　Honorable　Messieurs　Trumper　（two　only　to

dinner）：　there　was　Count　Mace；　the　celebrated　French　nobleman；　and

his　Excellency　Baron　von　Punter　from　Baden；　there　was　Lady　Blanche

Bluenose；　the　eminent　literati；　author　of　〃The　Distrusted〃　〃The

Distorted；〃　〃The　Disgusted；〃　〃The　Disreputable　One；〃　and　other

poems；　there　was　the　Dowager　Lady　Max　and　her　daughter；　the

Honorable　Miss　Adelaide　Blueruin；　Sir　Charles　Codshead；　from　the

City；　and　Field…Marshal　Sir　Gorman　O'Gallagher；　K。A。；　K。B。；　K。C。；

K。W。；　K。X。；　in　the　service　of　the　Republic　of　Guatemala：　my　friend

Tagrag　and　his　fashionable　acquaintance；　little　Tom　Tufthunt；　made

up　the　party。　　And　when　the　doors　were　flung　open；　and　Mr。　Hock；　in

black；　with　a　white　napkin；　three　footmen；　coachman；　and　a　lad　whom

Mrs。　C。　had　dressed　in　sugar…loaf　buttons　and　called　a　page；　were

seen　round　the　dinner…table；　all　in　white　gloves；　I　promise　you　I

felt　a　thrill　of　elation；　and　thought　to　myselfSam　Cox；　Sam　Cox；

who　ever　would　have　expected　to　see　you　here？



After　dinner；　there　was　to　be；　as　I　said；　an　evening…party；　and

to　this　Messieurs　Tagrag　and　Tufthunt　had　invited　many　of　the

principal　nobility　that　our　metropolis　had　produced。　　When　I

mention；　among　the　company　to　tea；　her　Grace　the　Duchess　of　Zero；

her　son　the　Marquis　of　Fitzurse；　and　the　Ladies　North　Pole　her

daughters；　when　I　say　that　there　were　yet　OTHERS；　whose　names　may

be　found　in　the　Blue　Book；　but　shan't；　out　of　modesty；　be　mentioned

here；　I　think　I've　said　enough　to　show　that；　in　our　time；　No。　96；

Portland　Place；　was　the　resort　of　the　best　of　company。



It　was　our　first　dinner；　and　dressed　by　our　new　cook；　Munseer

Cordongblew。　　I　bore　it　very　well；　eating；　for　my　share；　a　filly

dysol　allamater　dotell；　a　cutlet　soubeast；　a　pully　bashymall；　and

other　French　dishes：　and；　for　the　frisky　sweet　wine；　with　tin　tops

to　the　bottles；　called　Champang；　I　must　say　that　me　and　Mrs。　Coxe…

Tuggeridge　Coxe　drank　a　very　good　share　of　it　（but　the　Claret　and

Jonnysberger；　being　sour；　we　did　not　much　relish）。　　However；　the

feed；　as　I　say；　went　off　very　well：　Lady　Blanche　Bluenose　sitting

next　to　me；　and　being　so　good　as　to　put　me　down　for　six　copies　of

all　her　poems；　the　Count　and　Baron　von　Punter　engaging　Jemimarann

for　several　waltzes；　and　the　Field…Marshal　plying　my　dear　Jemmy

with　Champagne；　until；　bless　her！　her　dear　nose　became　as　red　as

her　new　crimson　satin　gown；　which；　with　a　blue　turban　and　bird…of…

paradise　feathers；　made　her　look　like　an　empress；　I　warrant。



Well；　dinner　past；　Mrs。　C。　and　the　ladies　went　off：thunder…under…

under　came　the　knocks　at　the　door；　squeedle…eedle…eedle；　Mr。

Wippert's　fiddlers　began　to　strike　up；　and；　about　half…past　eleven；

me　and　the　gents　thought　it　high　time　to　make　our　appearance。　　I

felt　a　LITTLE　squeamish　at　the　thought　of　meeting　a　couple　of

hundred　great　people；　but　Count　Mace　and　Sir　Gorman　O'Gallagher

taking　each　an　arm；　we　reached；　at　last；　the　drawing…room。



The　young　ones　in　company　were　dancing；　and　the　Duchess　and　the

great　ladies　were　all　seated；　talking　to　themselves　very　stately；

and　working　away　at　the　ices　and　macaroons。　　I　looked　out　for　my

pretty　Jemimarann　amongst　the　dancers；　and　saw　her　tearing　round

the　room　along　with　Baron　Punter；　in　what　they　call　a　gallypard；

then　I　peeped　into　the　circle　of　the　Duchesses；　where；　in　course；　I

expected　to　find　Mrs。　C。；　but　she　wasn't　there！　　She　was　seated　at

the　further　end　of　the　room；　looking　very　sulky；　and　I　went　up　and

took　her　arm；　and　brought　her　down　to　the　place　where　the　Duchesses


were。　　〃Oh；　not　there！〃　said　Jemmy；　trying　to　break　away。

〃Nonsense；　my　dear；〃　says　I：　〃you　are　missis；　and　this　is　your

place。〃　　Then　going　up　to　her　ladyship　the　Duchess；　says　I；　〃Me　and

my　missis　are　most　proud　of　the　honor　of　seeing　of　you。〃



The　Duchess　（a　tall　red…haired　grenadier　of　a　woman）　did　not　speak。



I　went　on：　〃The　young　ones　are　all　at　it；　ma'am；　you　see；　and　so　we

thought　we　would　come　and　sit　down　among　the　old　ones。　　You　and　I；

ma'am；　I　think；　are　too　stiff　to　dance。〃



〃Sir！〃　says　her　Grace。



〃Ma'am；〃　says　I；　〃don't　you　know　me？　　My　name's　Cox。　　Nobody's

introduced　me；　but；　dash　it；　it's　my　own　house；　and　I　may　present

myselfso　give　us　your　hand；　ma'am。〃



And　I　shook　hers　in　the　kindest　way　in　the　world；　butwould　you

believe　it？the　old　cat　screamed　as　if　my　hand　had　been　a　hot

'tater。　　〃Fitzurse！　Fitzurse！〃　shouted　she；　〃help！　help！〃　　Up

scuffled　all　the　other　Dowagersin　rushed　the　dancers。　　〃Mamma！

mamma！〃　squeaked　Lady　Julia　North　Pole。　　〃Lead　me　to　my　mother；〃

howled　Lady　Aurorer：　and　both　came　up　and　flung　themselves　into　her

arms。　　〃Wawt's　the　raw？〃　said　Lord　Fitzurse；　sauntering　up　quite

stately。



〃Protect　me　from　the　insults　of　this　man；〃　says　her　Grace。　　〃Where's

Tufthunt？　he　promised　that　not　a　soul　in　this　house　should　speak

to　me。〃



〃My　dear　Duchess；〃　said　Tufthunt；　very　meek。



〃Don't　Duchess　ME；　sir。　　Did　you　not　promise　they　should　not　speak；

and　hasn't　that　horrid　tipsy　wretch　offered　to　embrace　me？　　Didn't

his　monstrous　wife　sicken　me　with　her　odious　familiarities？　　Call

my　people；　Tufthunt！　　Follow　me；　my　children！〃



〃And　my　carriage；〃　〃And　mine；〃　〃And　mine！〃　shouted　twenty　more

voices。　　And　down　they　all　trooped　to　the　hall：　Lady　Blanche

Bluenose　and　Lady　Max　among　the　very　first；　leaving　only　the

Field…Marshal　and　one　or　two　men；　who　roared　with　laughter　ready

to　split。



〃Oh；　Sam；〃　said　my　wife；　sobbing；　〃why　would　you　take　me　back　to

them？　they　had　sent　me　away　before！　　I　only　asked　the　Duchess

whether　she　didn't　like　rum…shrub　better　than　all　your　Maxarinos

and　Curasosos：　andwould　you　believe　it？all　the　company　burst

out　laughing；　and　the　Duchess　told　me　just　to　keep　off；　and　not　to

speak　till　I　was　spoken　to。　　Imperence！　　I'd　like　to　tear　her　eyes

out。〃



And　so　I　do　believe　my　dearest　Jemmy　would！





A　DAY　WITH　THE　SURREY　HOUNDS。





Our　ball　had　failed　so　completely　that　Jemmy；　who　was　bent　still

upon　fashion；　caught　eagerly　at　Tagrag's　suggestion；　and　went　down

to　Tuggeridgeville。　　If　we　had　a　difficulty　to　find　friends　in

town；　here　there　was　none：　for　the　whole　county　came　about　us；　ate

our　dinners　and　suppers；　danced　at　our　ballsay；　and　spoke　to　us

too。　　We　were　great　people　in　fact：　I　a　regular　country　gentleman；

and　as　such；　Jemmy　insisted　that　I　should　be　a　sportsman；　and　join

the　county　hunt。　　〃But；〃　says　I；　〃my　love；　I　can't　ride。〃　　〃Pooh！

Mr。　C。〃　said　she；　〃you're　always　making　difficulties：　you　thought

you　couldn't　dance　a　quadrille；　you　thought　you　couldn't　dine　at

seven　o'clock；　you　thought　you　couldn't　lie　in　bed　after　six；　and

haven't　you　done　every　one　of　these　things？　　You　must　and　you　shall

ride！〃　　And　when　my　Jemmy　said　〃must　and　shall；〃　I　knew　very　well

there　was　nothing　for　it：　so　I　sent　down　fifty　guineas　to　the　hunt；

and；　out　of　compliment　to　me；　the　very　next　week；　I　received　notice

that　the　meet　of　the　hounds　would　take　place　at　Squashtail　Common；

just　outside　my　lodge…gates。



I　didn't　know　what　a　meet　was；　and　me　and　Mrs。　C。　agreed　that　it

was　most　probable　the　dogs　were　to　be　fed　there。　　However；　Tagrag

explained