burlesques-第29章

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Member　of　Council　at　least；　and　not　for　a　beggarly　Irish　ensign。

It　was；　however；　my　fate　to　make　the　passage　to　India　（on　board　of

the　〃Samuel　Snob〃　East　Indiaman；　Captain　Duffy；）　with　this　lovely

creature；　and　my　misfortune　instantaneously　to　fall　in　love　with

her。　　We　were　not　out　of　the　Channel　before　I　adored　her；

worshipped　the　deck　which　she　trod　upon；　kissed　a　thousand　times

the　cuddy…chair　on　which　she　used　to　sit。　　The　same　madness　fell　on

every　man　in　the　ship。　　The　two　mates　fought　about　her　at　the　Cape；

the　surgeon；　a　sober；　pious　Scotchman；　from　disappointed　affection；

took　so　dreadfully　to　drinking　as　to　threaten　spontaneous

combustion；　and　old　Colonel　Lilywhite；　carrying　his　wife　and　seven

daughters　to　Bengal；　swore　that　he　would　have　a　divorce　from　Mrs。

L。；　and　made　an　attempt　at　suicide；　the　captain　himself　told　me；

with　tears　in　his　eyes；　that　he　hated　his　hitherto…adored　Mrs。

Duffy；　although　he　had　had　nineteen　children　by　her。



We　used　to　call　her　the　witchthere　was　magic　in　her　beauty　and　in

her　voice。　　I　was　spell…bound　when　I　looked　at　her；　and　stark

staring　mad　when　she　looked　at　me！　　O　lustrous　black　eyes！O

glossy　night…black　ringlets！O　lips！O　dainty　frocks　of　white

muslin！O　tiny　kid　slippers！though　old　and　gouty；　Gahagan　sees

you　still！　　I　recollect；　off　Ascension；　she　looked　at　me　in　her

particular　way　one　day　at　dinner；　just　as　I　happened　to　be　blowing

on　a　piece　of　scalding　hot　green　fat。　　I　was　stupefied　at　onceI

thrust　the　entire　morsel　（about　half　a　pound）　into　my　mouth。　　I

made　no　attempt　to　swallow；　or　to　masticate　it；　but　left　it　there

for　many　minutes；　burning；　burning！　　I　had　no　skin　to　my　palate　for

seven　weeks　after；　and　lived　on　rice…water　during　the　rest　of　the

voyage。　　The　anecdote　is　trivial；　but　it　shows　the　power　of　Julia

Jowler　over　me。



The　writers　of　marine　novels　have　so　exhausted　the　subject　of

storms；　shipwrecks；　mutinies；　engagements；　sea…sickness；　and　so

forth；　that　（although　I　have　experienced　each　of　these　in　many

varieties）　I　think　it　quite　unnecessary　to　recount　such　trifling

adventures；　suffice　it　to　say；　that　during　our　five　months'　trajet；

my　mad　passion　for　Julia　daily　increased；　so　did　the　captain's　and

the　surgeon's；　so　did　Colonel　Lilywhite's；　so　did　the　doctor's；　the

mate'sthat　of　most　part　of　the　passengers；　and　a　considerable

number　of　the　crew。　　For　myself；　I　sworeensign　as　I　wasI　would

win　her　for　my　wife；　I　vowed　that　I　would　make　her　glorious　with　my

swordthat　as　soon　as　I　had　made　a　favorable　impression　on　my

commanding　officer　（which　I　did　not　doubt　to　create）；　I　would　lay

open　to　him　the　state　of　my　affections；　and　demand　his　daughter's

hand。　　With　such　sentimental　outpourings　did　our　voyage　continue

and　conclude。



We　landed　at　the　Sunderbunds　on　a　grilling　hot　day　in　December；

1802；　and　then　for　the　moment　Julia　and　I　separated。　　She　was

carried　off　to　her　papa's　arms　in　a　palanquin；　surrounded　by　at

least　forty　hookahbadars；　whilst　the　poor　cornet；　attended　but　by

two　dandies　and　a　solitary　beasty　（by　which　unnatural　name　these

blackamoors　are　called）；　made　his　way　humbly　to　join　the　regiment

at　head…quarters。



The　th　Regiment　of　Bengal　Cavalry；　then　under　the　command　of

Lieut。…Colonel　Julius　Jowler；　C。B。；　was　known　throughout　Asia　and

Europe　by　the　proud　title　of　the　Bundelcund　Invinciblesso　great

was　its　character　for　bravery；　so　remarkable　were　its　services　in

that　delightful　district　of　India。　　Major　Sir　George　Gutch　was　next

in　command；　and　Tom　Thrupp；　as　kind　a　fellow　as　ever　ran　a　Mahratta

through　the　body；　was　second　Major。　　We　were　on　the　eve　of　that

remarkable　war　which　was　speedily　to　spread　throughout　the　whole　of

India；　to　call　forth　the　valor　of　a　Wellesley；　and　the　indomitable

gallantry　of　a　Gahagan；　which　was　illustrated　by　our　victories　at

Ahmednuggar　（where　I　was　the　first　over　the　barricade　at　the

storming　of　the　Pettah）；　at　Argaum；　where　I　slew　with　my　own　sword

twenty…three　matchlock…men；　and　cut　a　dromedary　in　two；　and　by　that

terrible　day　of　Assaye；　where　Wellesley　would　have　been　beaten　but

for　meme　alone：　I　headed　nineteen　charges　of　cavalry；　took　（aided

by　only　four　men　of　my　own　troop）　seventeen　field…pieces；　killing

the　scoundrelly　French　artillerymen；　on　that　day　I　had　eleven

elephants　shot　under　me；　and　carried　away　Scindiah's　nose…ring　with

a　pistol…ball。　　Wellesley　is　a　Duke　and　a　Marshal；　I　but　a　simple

Major　of　Irregulars。　　Such　is　fortune　and　war！　　But　my　feelings

carry　me　away　from　my　narrative；　which　had　better　proceed　with　more

order。



On　arriving；　I　say；　at　our　barracks　at　Dum　Dum；　I　for　the　first

time　put　on　the　beautiful　uniform　of　the　Invincibles：　a　light　blue

swallow…tailed　jacket　with　silver　lace　and　wings；　ornamented

with　about　3；000　sugar…loaf　buttons；　rhubarb…colored　leather

inexpressibles　（tights）；　and　red　morocco　boots　with　silver　spurs

and　tassels；　set　off　to　admiration　the　handsome　persons　of　the

officers　of　our　corps。　　We　wore　powder　in　those　days；　and　a

regulation　pigtail　of　seventeen　inches；　a　brass　helmet　surrounded

by　leopard…skin　with　a　bearskin　top　and　a　horsetail　feather；　gave

the　head　a　fierce　and　chivalrous　appearance；　which　is　far　more

easily　imagined　than　described。



Attired　in　this　magnificent　costume；　I　first　presented　myself

before　Colonel　Jowler。　　He　was　habited　in　a　manner　precisely

similar；　but　not　being　more　than　five　feet　in　height；　and　weighing

at　least　fifteen　stone；　the　dress　he　wore　did　not　become　him　quite

so　much　as　slimmer　and　taller　men。　　Flanked　by　his　tall　Majors；

Thrupp　and　Gutch；　he　looked　like　a　stumpy　skittle…ball　between　two

attenuated　skittles。　　The　plump　little　Colonel　received　me　with

vast　cordiality；　and　I　speedily　became　a　prime　favorite　with

himself　and　the　other　officers　of　the　corps。　　Jowler　was　the　most

hospitable　of　men；　and　gratifying　my　appetite　and　my　love　together；

I　continually　partook　of　his　dinners；　and　feasted　on　the　sweet

presence　of　Julia。



I　can　see　now；　what　I　would　not　and　could　not　perceive　in　those

early　days；　that　this　Miss　Jowleron　whom　I　had　lavished　my　first

and　warmest　love；　whom　I　had　endowed　with　all　perfection　and

puritywas　no　better　than　a　little　impudent　flirt；　who　played　with

my　feelings；　because　during　the　monotony　of　a　sea…voyage　she　had　no

other　toy　to　play　with；　and　who　deserted　others　for　me；　and　me　for

others；　just　as　her　whim　or　her　interest　might　guide　her。　　She　had

not　been　three　weeks　at　head…quarters　when　half　the　regiment　was　in

love　with　her。　　Each　and　all　of　the　candidates　had　some　favor　to

boast　of；　or　some　encouraging　hopes　on　which　to　build。　　It　was　the

scene　of　the　〃Samuel　Snob〃　over　again；　only　heightened　in　interest

by　a　number　of　duels。　　The　following　list　will　give　the　reader　a

notion　of　some　of　them：





1。　　Cornet　Gahagan　。　。　Ensign　Hicks；　of　the　Sappers　and　Miners。

Hicks　received　a　ball　in　his　jaw；　and　was　half　choked　by　a　quantity

of　carroty　whisker　forced　down　his　throat　with　the　ball。



2。　　Capt。　Macgillicuddy；　B。N。I。；　。　。　Cornet　Gahagan。　　I　was　run

through　the　body；　but　the　sword　passed　between　the　ribs；　and

injured　me　very　slightly。



3。　　Capt。　Macgillicuddy；　B。N。I。；　。　。　Mr。　Mulligatawny；　B。C。S。；

Deputy…Assistant　Vice　Sub…Controller　of　the　Boggleywollah　Indigo

grounds；　Ramgolly　branch。





Macgillicuddy　should　have　stuck　to　sword's…play；　and　he　might　have

come　off　in　his　second　duel　as　well　as　in　his　first；　as　it　was；　the

civilian　placed　a　ball　and　a　part　of　Mac's　gold　repeater　in　his

stomach。　　A　remarkable　circumstance　attended　this　shot；　an　account

of　which　I　sent　home　to　the　〃Philosophical　Transactions：〃　the

surgeon　had　extracted　the　ball；　and　was　going　off；　thinking　that

all　was　well；　when　the　gold　repeater　struck　thirteen　in　poor

Macgillicuddy's　abdomen。　　I　suppose　that　the　works　must　have　been

disarranged　in　some　way　by　the　bullet；　for　the　repeater　was　one　of

Barraud's；　never　known　to　fail　before；　and　the　circumstance

occurred　at　SEVEN　o'clock。*





*　So　admirable　are　the　performances　of　these　watches；　which　will

stand　in　any　climate；　that　I　repeatedly　heard　poor　Macgillicuddy

relate　the　following　fact。　　The　hours；　as　it　is　known；　count　in

Italy　from　one　to　twenty…four：　the　day　Mac　landed　at　Naples　his

repeater　rung　the　Italian　hours；　from　one　to　twenty…four；　as　soon

as　he　crossed　the　Alps　it　only　sounded　as　usual。G。　O'G。　G。





I　could　continue；　almost　ad　infinitum；　an　account　of　the　wars　which

this　Helen　occasioned；　but　the　above　three　specimens　will；　I　should

think；　satisfy　the　peaceful　reader。　　I　delight　not　in　scenes　of

blood；　heaven　knows；　but　I　was　compelled　in　the　course　of　a　few

weeks；　and　for　the　sake　of　this　one　woman；　to　fight　nine　duels

myself；　and　I　know　that　four　times　as　many　more　took　place

concerning　her。



I　forgot　to　say　that　Jowler's　wife　was　a　half…caste　woman；　who　had

been　born　and　bred　entirely　in　India；　and　whom　the　Colonel　had

married　from　the　house　of　her　mother；　a　native。　　There　were　some

singular　rumors　abroad　regarding　this　latter　lady's　history：　it　was

reported　that　she　was　the　daughter　of　a　native　Rajah；　and　had　been

carried　off　by　a　poor　English　subaltern　in　Lord　Clive's　time。　　The

young　man　was　killed　very　soon　after；　and　left　his　child　with　its

mother。　　The　black　Prince　forgave　his　daughter　and　bequeathed　to

her　a　handsome　sum　of　money。　　I　suppose　that　it　was　on　this　account

that　Jowler　married　Mrs。　J。；　a　creature　who　had　not；　I　do　believe；

a　Christian　name；　or　a　single　Christian　quality：　she　was　a　hideous；

bloated；　yellow　creature；　with　a　beard；　black　teeth；　and　red　eyes：

she　was　fat；　lying；　ugly；　and　stingyshe　hated　and　was　hated　by

all　the　world；　and　by　her　jolly　husband　as　devoutly　as　by　any

other。　　She　did　not　pass　a　month　in　the　year　with　him；　but　spent

most　of　her　time　with　her　native　friends。　　I　wonder　how　she　could

have　given　birth　to　so　lovely　a　creature　as　her　daughter。　　This

woman　was　of　course　with　the　Colonel　when　Julia　arrived；　and　the

spice　of　the　devil　in　her　daughter's　composition　was　most　carefully

nourished　and　fed　by　her。　　If　Julia　had　been　a　flirt　before；　she

was　a　downright　jilt　now；　she　set　the　whole　cantonment　by　the　ears；

she　made　wives　jealous　and　husbands　miserable；　she　caused　all　those

duels　of　which　I　have　discoursed　already；　and　yet　such　was　the

fascination　of　THE　WITCH　that　I　still　thought　her　an　angel。　　I　made

court　to　the　nasty　mother　in　order　to　be　near　the　daughter；　and　I

listened　untiringly　to　Jowler's　interminable　dull　stories；　because

I　was　occupied　all　the　time　in　watching　the　graceful　movements　of

Miss　Julia。



But　the　trumpet　of　war　was　soon　ringing　in　our　ears；　and　on　the

battle…field　Gahagan　is　a　man！　　The　Bundelcund　Invincibles　received

orders　to　march；　and　Jowler；　Hector…like；　donned　his　helmet　and

prepared　to　part　from　his　Andromache。　　And　now　arose　his

perplexity：　what　must　be