burlesques-第28章

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Mrs。　Jeames　might　be　said　almost　to　out…Y　the　squeel　of　the　dying；

as　we　rusht　into　that　fashnable　Spaw；　and　my　pore　Mary　Hann　found

it　was　not　Baby；　but　Bundles　I　had　in　my　lapp。



〃When　the　Old　Dowidger　Lady　Bareacres；　who　was　waiting　heagerly　at

the　train；　herd　that　owing　to　that　abawminable　Brake　of　Gage　the

luggitch；　her　Ladyship's　Cherrybrandy　box；　the　cradle　for　Lady

Hangelina's　baby；　the　lace；　crockary　and　chany；　was　rejuiced　to　one

immortial　smash；　the　old　cat　howld　at　me　and　pore　dear　Mary　Hann；

as　if　it　was　huss；　and　not　the　infunnle　Brake　of　Gage；　was　to

blame；　and　as　if　we　ad　no　misfortns　of　our　hown　to　deplaw。　　She

bust　out　about　my　stupid　imparence；　called　Mary　Hann　a　good　for

nothink　creecher；　and　wep；　and　abewsd；　and　took　on　about　her　broken

Chayny　Bowl；　a　great　deal　mor　than　she　did　about　a　dear　little

Christian　child。　　'Don't　talk　to　me　abowt　your　bratt　of　a　babby'

（seshe）；　'where's　my　bowl？where's　my　medsan？where's　my

bewtiffle　Pint　lace？All　in　rewing　through　your　stupiddaty；　you

brute；　you！'



〃'Bring　your　haction　aginst　the　Great　Western；　Maam；'　says　I；　quite

riled　by　this　crewel　and　unfealing　hold　wixen。　　'Ask　the　pawters　at

Gloster；　why　your　goods　is　spiledit's　not　the　fust　time　they've

been　asked　the　question。　　Git　the　gage　haltered　aginst　the　nex　time

you　send　for　MEDSAN　and　meanwild　buy　some　at　the　〃Plow〃they　keep

it　very　good　and　strong　there；　I'll　be　bound。　　Has　for　us；　WE'RE　a

going　back　to　the　cussid　station　at　Gloster；　in　such　of　our　blessid

child。'



〃'You　don't　mean　to　say；　young　woman；'　seshe；　'that　you're　not

going　to　Lady　Hangelina：　what's　her　dear　boy　to　do？　who's　to　nuss

it？'



〃'YOU　nuss　it；　Maam；'　says　I。　　'Me　and　Mary　Hann　return　this　momint

by　the　Fly。'　　And　so　（whishing　her　a　suckastic　ajew）　Mrs。　Jeames

and　I　lep　into　a　one　oss　weakle；　and　told　the　driver　to　go　like　mad

back　to　Gloster。



〃I　can't　describe　my　pore　gals　hagny　juring　our　ride。　　She　sat　in

the　carridge　as　silent　as　a　milestone；　and　as　madd　as　a　march　Air。

When　we　got　to　Gloster　she　sprang　hout　of　it　as　wild　as　a　Tigris；

and　rusht　to　the　station；　up　to　the　fatle　Bench。



〃'My　child；　my　child；'　shreex　she；　in　a　hoss；　hot　voice。　　'Where's

my　infant？　a　little　bewtifle　child；　with　blue　eyes；dear　Mr。

Policeman；　give　it　mea　thousand　guineas　for　it。'



〃'Faix；　Mam；'　says　the　man；　a　Hirishman；　'and　the　divvle　a　babby

have　I　seen　this　day　except　thirteen　of　my　ownand　you're　welcome

to　any　one　of　THEM；　and　kindly。'



〃'As　if　HIS　babby　was　equal　to　ours；'　as　my　darling　Mary　Hann　said；

afterwards。　　All　the　station　was　scrouging　round　us　by　this　time

pawters　&　clarx　and　refreshmint　people　and　all。　　'What's　this　year

row　about　that　there　babby？'　at　last　says　the　Inspector；　stepping

hup。　　I　thought　my　wife　was　going　to　jump　into　his　harms。　　'Have

you　got　him？'　says　she。



〃'Was　it　a　child　in　a　blue　cloak？'　says　he。



〃'And　blue　eyse！'　says　my　wife。



〃'I　put　a　label　on　him　and　sent　him　on　to　Bristol；　he's　there　by

this　time。　　The　Guard　of　the　Mail　took　him　and　put　him　into　a

letter…box；'　says　he：　'he　went　20　minutes　ago。　　We　found　him　on　the

broad　gauge　line；　and　sent　him　on　by　it；　in　course；'　says　he。　　'And

it'll　be　a　caution　to　you；　young　woman；　for　the　future；　to　label

your　children　along　with　the　rest　of　your　luggage。'



〃If　my　piguniary　means　had　been　such　as　ONCE　they　was；　you　may

emadgine　I'd　have　ad　a　speshle　train　and　been　hoff　like　smoak。　　As

it　was；　we　was　obliged　to　wait　4　mortial　hours　for　the　next　train

（4　ears　they　seemed　to　us）；　and　then　away　we　went。



〃'My　boy！　my　little　boy！'　says　poor　choking　Mary　Hann；　when　we　got

there。　　'A　parcel　in　a　blue　cloak？'　says　the　man。　　'No　body　claimed

him　here；　and　so　we　sent　him　back　by　the　mail。　　An　Irish　nurse　here

gave　him　some　supper；　and　he's　at　Paddington　by　this　time。　　Yes；'

says　he；　looking　at　the　clock；　'he's　been　there　these　ten　minutes。'



〃But　seeing　my　poor　wife's　distracted　histarricle　state；　this　good…

naterd　man　says；　'I　think；　my　dear；　there's　a　way　to　ease　your

mind。　　We'll　know　in　five　minutes　how　he　is。'



〃'Sir；'　says　she；　'don't　make　sport　of　me。'



〃'No；　my　dear；　we'll　TELEGRAPH　him。'



〃And　he　began　hopparating　on　that　singlar　and　ingenus　elecktricle

inwention；　which　aniliates　time；　and　carries　intellagence　in　the

twinkling　of　a　peg…post。



〃'I'll　ask；'　says　he；　'for　child　marked　G。　W。　273。'



〃Back　comes　the　telegraph　with　the　sign；　'All　right。'



〃'Ask　what　he's　doing；　sir；'　says　my　wife；　quite　amazed。　　Back

comes　the　answer　in　a　Jiffy



〃'C。　R。　Y。　I。　N。　G。'



〃This　caused　all　the　bystanders　to　laugh　excep　my　pore　Mary　Hann；

who　pull'd　a　very　sad　face。



〃The　good…naterd　feller　presently　said；　'he'd　have　another　trile；'

and　what　d'ye　think　was　the　answer？　　I'm　blest　if　it　wasn't



〃'P。　A。　P。'



〃He　was　eating　pap！　　There's　for　youthere's　a　rogue　for　you

there's　a　March　of　Intaleck！　　Mary　Hann　smiled　now　for　the　fust

time。　　'He'll　sleep　now；'　says　she。　　And　she　sat　down　with　a　full

hart。



　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。



〃If　hever　that　good…naterd　Shooperintendent　comes　to　London；　HE

need　never　ask　for　his　skore　at　the　'Wheel　of　Fortune　Otel；'　I

promise　youwhere　me　and　my　wife　and　James　Hangelo　now　is；　and

where　only　yesterday　a　gent　came　in　and　drew　this　pictur*　of　us　in

our　bar。





*　This　refers　to　an　illustrated　edition　of　the　work。





〃And　if　they　go　on　breaking　gages；　and　if　the　child；　the　most

precious　luggidge　of　the　Henglishman；　is　to　be　bundled　about　this

year　way；　why　it　won't　be　for　want　of　warning；　both　from　Professor

Harris；　the　Commission；　and　from



〃My　dear　Mr。　Punch's　obeajent　servant；



〃JEAMES　PLUSH。〃









THE　TREMENDOUS　ADVENTURES　OF　MAJOR　GAHAGAN。





CHAPTER　I。



〃TRUTH　IS　STRANGE；　STRANGER　THAN　FICTION。〃





I　think　it　but　right　that　in　making　my　appearance　before　the　public

I　should　at　once　acquaint　them　with　my　titles　and　name。　　My　card；

as　I　leave　it　at　the　houses　of　the　nobility；　my　friends；　is　as

follows：





　　　　　MAJOR　GOLIAH　O'GRADY　GAHAGAN；　H。E。I。C。S。；



　　　　　Commanding　Battalion　of　Irregular　Horse；



　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　AHMEDNUGGAR。





Seeing；　I　say；　this　simple　visiting　ticket；　the　world　will　avoid

any　of　those　awkward　mistakes　as　to　my　person；　which　have　been　so

frequent　of　late。　　There　has　been　no　end　to　the　blunders　regarding

this　humble　title　of　mine；　and　the　confusion　thereby　created。　　When

I　published　my　volume　of　poems；　for　instance；　the　Morning　Post

newspaper　remarked　〃that　the　Lyrics　of　the　Heart；　by　Miss　Gahagan；

may　be　ranked　among　the　sweetest　flowrets　of　the　present　spring

season。〃　　The　Quarterly　Review；　commenting　upon　my　Observations　on

the　Pons　Asinorum〃　（4to。　London；　1836）；　called　me　〃Doctor　Gahagan；〃

and　so　on。　　It　was　time　to　put　an　end　to　these　mistakes；　and　I　have

taken　the　above　simple　remedy。



I　was　urged　to　it　by　a　very　exalted　personage。　　Dining　in　August

last　at　the　palace　of　the　T…lr…es　at　Paris；　the　lovely　young　Duch…ss

of　Orlns　（who；　though　she　does　not　speak　English；　understands

it　as　well　as　I　do；）　said　to　me　in　the　softest　Teutonic；　〃Lieber

Herr　Major；　haben　sie　den　Ahmednuggarischen…jager…battalion

gelassen？〃　　〃Warum　denn？〃　said　I；　quite　astonished　at　her　R…l

H…ss's　question。　　The　P…cess　then　spoke　of　some　trifle　from

my　pen；　which　was　simply　signed　Goliah　Gahagan。



There　was；　unluckily；　a　dead　silence　as　H。　R。　H。　put　this　question。



〃Comment　donc？〃　said　H。　M。　Lo…is　Ph…l…ppe；　looking　gravely　at　Count

Mole；　〃le　cher　Major　a　quitte　l'armee！　　Nicolas　donc　sera　maitre　de

l'Inde！　　〃H。　M　and　the　Pr。　M…n…ster　pursued　their　conversation

in　a　low　tone；　and　left　me；　as　may　be　imagined　in　a　dreadful　state

of　confusion。　　I　blushed　and　stuttered；　and　murmured　out　a　few

incoherent　words　to　explainbut　it　would　not　doI　could　not

recover　my　equanimity　during　the　course　of　the　dinner　and　while

endeavoring　to　help　an　English　Duke；　my　neighbor；　to　poulet　a

l'Austerlitz；　fairly　sent　seven　mushrooms　and　three　large　greasy

croutes　over　his　whiskers　and　shirt…frill。　　Another　laugh　at　my

expense。　〃Ah！　M。　le　Major；〃　said　the　Q　of　the　B…lgns；　archly；

〃vous　n'aurez　jamais　votre　brevet　de　Colonel。〃　　Her　My's　joke

will　be　better　understood　when　I　state　that　his　Grace　is　the

brother　of　a　Minister。



I　am　not　at　liberty　to　violate　the　sanctity　of　private　life；　by

mentioning　the　names　of　the　parties　concerned　in　this　little

anecdote。　　I　only　wish　to　have　it　understood　that　I　am　a　gentleman；

and　live　at　least　in　DECENT　society。　　Verbum　sat。



But　to　be　serious。　　I　am　obliged　always　to　write　the　name　of　Goliah

in　full；　to　distinguish　me　from　my　brother；　Gregory　Gahagan；　who

was　also　a　Major　（in　the　King's　service）；　and　whom　I　killed　in　a

duel；　as　the　public　most　likely　knows。　　Poor　Greg！　a　very　trivial

dispute　was　the　cause　of　our　quarrel；　which　never　would　have

originated　but　for　the　similarity　of　our　names。　　The　circumstance

was　this：　I　had　been　lucky　enough　to　render　the　Nawaub　of　Lucknow

some　trifling　service　（in　the　notorious　affair　of　Choprasjee

Muckjee）；　and　his　Highness　sent　down　a　gold　toothpick…case　directed

to　Captain　G。　Gahagan；　which　I　of　course　thought　was　for　me：　my

brother　madly　claimed　it；　we　fought；　and　the　consequence　was；　that

in　about　three　minutes　he　received　a　slash　in　the　right　side　（cut

6）；　which　effectually　did　his　business：he　was　a　good　swordsman

enoughI　was　THE　BEST　in　the　universe。　　The　most　ridiculous　part

of　the　affair　is；　that　the　toothpick…case　was　his；　after　allhe

had　left　it　on　the　Nawaub's　table　at　tiffin。　　I　can't　conceive　what

madness　prompted　him　to　fight　about　such　a　paltry　bauble；　he　had

much　better　have　yielded　it　at　once；　when　he　saw　I　was　determined

to　have　it。　　From　this　slight　specimen　of　my　adventures；　the　reader

will　perceive　that　my　life　has　been　one　of　no　ordinary　interest；

and；　in　fact；　I　may　say　that　I　have　led　a　more　remarkable　life　than

any　man　in　the　serviceI　have　been　at　more　pitched　battles；　led

more　forlorn　hopes；　had　more　success　among　the　fair　sex；　drunk

harder；　read　more；　and　been　a　handsomer　man　than　any　officer　now

serving　her　Majesty。



When　I　at　first　went　to　India　in　1802；　I　was　a　raw　cornet　of

seventeen；　with　blazing　red　hair；　six　feet　four　in　height；　athletic

at　all　kinds　of　exercises；　owing　money　to　my　tailor　and　everybody

else　who　would　trust　me；　possessing　an　Irish　brogue；　and　my　full

pay　of　120L。　a　year。　　I　need　not　say　that　with　all　these　advantages

I　did　that　which　a　number　of　clever　fellows　have　done　before　meI

fell　in　love；　and　proposed　to　marry　immediately。



But　how　to　overcome　the　difficulty？It　is　true　that　I　loved　Julia

Jowlerloved　her　to　madness；　but　her　father　intended　her　for　a

Member　of　Council　at　least；　and　not　for　a　beggarly　Irish　ensign。

It　was；　however；　my　fate　to　make