burlesques-第18章

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stables；　one　of　whom　lickwise　waited　on　me　at　table。　　I　have　now　a

confidenshle　servant；　a　vally　de　shamberHe　curls　my　air；　inspex

my　accounts；　and　hansers　my　hinvitations　to　dinner。　　I　call　this

Vally　my　TRENT　VALLY；　for　it　was　the　prophit　I　got　from　that　exlent

line；　which　injuiced　me　to　ingage　him。



〃Besides　my　North　British　Plate　and　Breakfast　equipidgeI　have　two

handsom　suvvices　for　dinnerthe　goold　plate　for　Sundays；　and　the

silver　for　common　use。　　When　I　ave　a　great　party；　'Trent；'　I　say　to

my　man；　'we　will　have　the　London　and　Bummingham　plate　to…day　（the

goold）；　or　else　the　Manchester　and　Leeds　（the　silver）。'　　I　bought

them　after　realizing　on　the　abuf　lines；　and　if　people　suppose　that

the　companys　made　me　a　presnt　of　the　plate；　how　can　I　help　it？



〃In　the　sam　way　I　say；　'Trent；　bring　us　a　bottle　of　Bristol　amid

Hexeter！'　or；　'Put　some　Heastern　Counties　in　hice！'　　HE　knows　what

I　mean：　it's　the　wines　I　bought　upon　the　hospicious　tummination　of

my　connexshn　with　those　two　railroads。



〃So　strong；　indeed；　as　this　abbit　become；　that　being　asked　to　stand

Godfather　to　the　youngest　Miss　Diddle　last　weak；　I　had　her

christened　（provisionally）　Rosamellfrom　the　French　line　of　which

I　am　Director；　and　only　the　other　day；　finding　myself　rayther

unwell；　'Doctor；'　says　I　to　Sir　Jeames　Clark；　'I've　sent　to　consult

you　because　my　Midlands　are　out　of　horder；　and　I　want　you　to　send

them　up　to　a　premium。'　　The　Doctor　lafd；　and　I　beleave　told　the

story　subsquintly　at　Buckinum　P…ll…s。



〃But　I　will　trouble　you　no　father。　　My　sole　objict　in　writing　has

been　to　CLEAR　MY　CARRATERto　show　that　I　came　by　my　money　in　a

honrable　way：　that　I'm　not　ashaymd　of　the　manner　in　which　I　gayned

it；　and　ham　indeed　grateful　for　my　good　fortune。



〃To　conclude；　I　have　ad　my　podigree　maid　out　at　the　Erald　Hoffis　（I

don't　mean　the　Morning　Erald）；　and　have　took　for　my　arms　a　Stagg。

You　are　corrict　in　stating　that　I　am　of　hancient　Normin　famly。

This　is　more　than　Peal　can　say；　to　whomb　I　applied　for　a　barnetcy；

but　the　primmier　being　of　low　igstraction；　natrally　stickles　for

his　horder。　　Consurvative　though　I　be；　I　MAY　CHANGE　MY　OPINIONS

before　the　next　Election；　when　I　intend　to　hoffer　myself　as　a

Candydick　for　Parlymint。



〃Meanwhile；　I　have　the　honor　to　be；　Sir；



〃Your　most　obeajnt　Survnt；



〃FITZ…JAMES　DE　LA　PLUCHE。〃







THE　DIARY。





One　day　in　the　panic　week；　our　friend　Jeames　called　at　our　office；

evidently　in　great　perturbation　of　mind　and　disorder　of　dress。　　He

had　no　flower　in　his　button…hole；　his　yellow　kid　gloves　were

certainly　two　days　old。　　He　had　not　above　three　of　the　ten　chains

he　usually　sports；　and　his　great　coarse　knotty…knuckled　old　hands

were　deprived　of　some　dozen　of　the　rubies；　emeralds；　and　other

cameos　with　which；　since　his　elevation　to　fortune；　the　poor　fellow

has　thought　fit　to　adorn　himself。



〃How's　scrip；　Mr。　Jeames？〃　said　we　pleasantly；　greeting　our

esteemed　contributor。



〃Scrip　be　；〃　replied　he；　with　an　expression　we　cannot　repeat；

and　a　look　of　agony　it　is　impossible　to　describe　in　print；　and

walked　about　the　parlor　whistling；　humming；　rattling　his　keys　and

coppers；　and　showing　other　signs　of　agitation。　　At　last；　〃MR。

PUNCH；〃　says　he；　after　a　moment's　hesitation；　〃I　wish　to　speak　to

you　on　a　pint　of　businiss。　　I　wish　to　be　paid　for　my　contribewtions

to　your　paper。　　Suckmstances　is　altered　with　me。　　IIin　a　word；

CAN　you　lend　me　L。　for　the　account？〃



He　named　the　sum。　　It　was　one　so　great　that　we　don't　care　to

mention　it　here；　but　on　receiving　a　cheque　for　the　amount　（on

Messrs。　Pump　and　Aldgate；　our　bankers；）　tears　came　into　the　honest

fellow's　eyes。　　He　squeezed　our　hand　until　he　nearly　wrung　it　off；

and　shouting　to　a　cab；　he　plunged　into　it　at　our　office…door；　and

was　off　to　the　City。



Returning　to　our　study；　we　found　he　had　left　on　our　table　an　open

pocket…book；　of　the　contents　of　which　（for　the　sake　of　safety）　we

took　an　inventory。　　It　containedthree　tavern…bills；　paid；　a

tailor's　ditto；　unsettled；　forty…nine　allotments　in　different

companies；　twenty…six　thousand　seven　hundred　shares　in　all；　of

which　the　market　value　we　take；　on　an　average；　to　be　1/4　discount；

and　in　an　old　bit　of　paper　tied　with　pink　ribbon　a　lock　of　chestnut

hair；　with　the　initials　M。　A。　H。



In　the　diary　of　the　pocket…book　was　a　journal；　jotted　down　by　the

proprietor　from　time　to　time。　　At　first　the　entries　are

insignificant：　as；　for　instance：〃3rd　JanuaryOur　beer　in　the

Suvnts'　hall　so　PRECIOUS　small　at　this　Christmas　time　that　I　reely

MUSS　give　warning；　&　wood；　but　for　my　dear　Mary　Hann。〃　　February　7

That　broot　Screw；　the　Butler；　wanted　to　kis　her；　but　my　dear　Mary

Hann　boxt　his　hold　hears；　&　served　him　right。　　I　DATEST　Screw；〃

and　so　forth。　　Then　the　diary　relates　to　Stock　Exchange　operations；

until　we　come　to　the　time　when；　having　achieved　his　successes；　Mr。

James　quitted　Berkeley　Square　and　his　livery；　and　began　his　life　as

a　speculator　and　a　gentleman　upon　town。　　It　is　from　the　latter　part

of　his　diary　that　we　make　the　following





EXTRAX：





〃Wen　I　anounced　in　the　Servnts　All　my　axeshn　of　forting；　and　that

by　the　exasize　of　my　own　talince　and　ingianiuty　I　had　reerlized　a

summ　of　20；000　lb。　（it　was　only　5；　but　what's　the　use　of　a　mann

depreshiating　the　qualaty　of　his　own　mackyrel？）wen　I　enounced　my

abrup　intention　to　cutyou　should　have　sean　the　sensation　among

hall　the　people！　　Cook　wanted　to　know　whether　I　woodn　like　a

sweatbred；　or　the　slise　of　the　breast　of　a　Cold　Tucky。　　Screw；　the

butler；　（womb　I　always　detested　as　a　hinsalant　hoverbaring　beest；）

begged　me　to　walk　into　the　Hupper　Servnts　All；　and　try　a　glass　of

Shuperior　Shatto　Margo。　　Heven　Visp；　the　coachmin；　eld　out　his　and；

&　said；　'Jeames；　I　hopes　theres　no　quarraling　betwigst　you　&　me；　&

I'll　stand　a　pot　of　beer　with　pleasure。'



〃The　sickofnts！that　wery　Cook　had　split　on　me　to　the　Housekeeper

ony　last　week　（catchin　me　priggin　some　cold　tuttle　soop；　of　which

I'm　remarkable　fond）。　　Has　for　the　butler；　I　always　EBOMMINATED　him

for　his　precious　snears　and　imperence　to　all　us　Gents　who　woar

livry　（he　never　would　sit　in　our　parlor；　fasooth；　nor　drink　out　of

our　mugs）；　and　in　regard　of　Vispwhy；　it　was　ony　the　day　before

the　wulgar　beest　hoffered　to　fite　me；　and　thretnd　to　give　me　a　good

iding　if　I　refused。　　Gentlemen　and　ladies；'　says　I；　as　haughty　as

may　be；　'there's　nothink　that　I　want　for　that　I　can't　go　for　to　buy

with　my　hown　money；　and　take　at　my　lodgins　in　Halbany；　letter　Hex；

if　I'm　ungry　I've　no　need　to　refresh　myself　in　the　KITCHING。'　　And

so　saying；　I　took　a　dignified　ajew　of　these　minnial　domestics；　and

ascending　to　my　epartment　in　the　4　pair　back；　brushed　the　powder

out　of　my　air；　and　taking　off　those　hojous　livries　for　hever；　put

on　a　new　soot；　made　for　me　by　Cullin　of　St。　Jeames　Street；　and

which　fitted　my　manly　figger　as　tight　as　whacks。



〃There　was　ONE　pusson　in　the　house　with　womb　I　was　rayther　anxious

to　evoid　a　persnal　leave…takingMary　Hann　Oggins；　I　meanfor　my

art　is　natural　tender；　and　I　can't　abide　seeing　a　pore　gal　in　pane。

I'd　given　her　previous　the　infamation　of　my　departuredoing　the

ansom　thing　by　her　at　the　same　timepaying　her　back　20　lb。；　which

she'd　lent　me　6　months　before：　and　paying　her　back　not　only　the

interest；　but　I　gave　her　an　andsome　pair　of　scissars　and　a　silver

thimbil；　by　way　of　boanus。　　'Mary　Hann；'　says　I；　'suckimstancies

has　haltered　our　rellatif　positions　in　life。　　I　quit　the　Servnts

Hall　for　ever；　（for　has　for　your　marrying　a　person　in　my　rank；

that；　my　dear；　is　hall　gammin；）　and　so　I　wish　you　a　good…by；　my

good　gal；　and　if　you　want　to　better　yourself；　halways　refer　to　me。'



〃Mary　Hann　didn't　hanser　my　speech　（which　I　think　was　remarkable

kind）；　but　looked　at　me　in　the　face　quite　wild　like；　and　bust　into

somethink　betwigst　a　laugh　&　a　cry；　and　fell　down　with　her　ed　on

the　kitching　dresser；　where　she　lay　until　her　young　Missis　rang　the

dressing…room　bell。　　Would　you　bleave　it？　　She　left　the　thimbil　&

things；　&　my　check　for　20lb。　l0s。；　on　the　tabil　when　she　went　to

hanser　the　bell。　　And　now　I　heard　her　sobbing　and　vimpering　in　her

own　room　nex　but　one　to　mine；　vith　the　dore　open；　peraps　expecting

I　should　come　in　and　say　good…by。　　But；　as　soon　as　I　was　dressed；　I

cut　down　stairs；　hony　desiring　Frederick　my　fellow…servnt；　to　fetch

me　a　cabb；　and　requesting　permission　to　take　leaf　of　my　lady　&　the

famly　before　my　departure。〃



　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。



〃How　Miss　Hemly　did　hogle　me　to　be　sure！　　Her　ladyship　told　me　what

a　sweet　gal　she　washamiable；　fond　of　poetry；　plays　the　gitter。

Then　she　hasked　me　if　I　liked　blond　bewties　and　haubin　hair。

Haubin；　indeed！　　I　don't　like　carrits！　as　it　must　be　confest　Miss

Hemly's　hisand　has　for　a　BLOND　BUTY；　she　has　pink　I's　like　a

Halbino；　and　her　face　looks　as　if　it　were　dipt　in　a　brann　mash。

How　she　squeeged　my　&　as　she　went　away！



〃Mary　Hann　now　HAS　haubin　air；　and　a　cumplexion　like　roses　and

hivory；　and　I's　as　blew　as　Evin。



〃I　gev　Frederick　two　and　six　for　fetchin　the　cabbbeen　resolved　to

hact　the　gentleman　in　hall　things。　　How　he　stared！〃





〃25th。I　am　now　director　of　forty…seven　hadvantageous　lines；　and

have　past　hall　day　in　the　Citty。　　Although　I've　hate　or　nine　new

soots　of　close；　and　Mr。　Cullin　fits　me　heligant；　yet　I　fansy　they

hall　reckonise　me。　　Conshns　whispers　to　me；　'Jeams；　you'r　hony　a

footman　in　disguise　hafter　all。'〃





〃28th。Been　to　the　Hopra。　　Music　tol　lol。　　That　Lablash　is　a

wopper　at　singing。　　I　coodn　make　out　why　some　people　called　out

'Bravo；'　some　'Bravar；'　and　some　'Bravee。'　　'Bravee；　Lablash；'　says

I；　at　which　heverybody　laft。



〃I'm　in　my　new　stall。　　I've　had　new　cushings　put　in；　and　my　harms

in　goold　on　the　back。　　I'm　dressed　hall　in　black；　excep　a　gold

waistcoat　and　dimind　studds　in　the　embriderd　busom　of　my　shameese。

I　wear　a　Camallia　Jiponiky　in　my　button…ole；　and　have　a　double…

barreld　opera…glas；　so　big；　that　I　make　Timmins；　my　secnd　man；

bring　it　in　the　other　cabb。



〃What　an　igstronry　exabishn　that　Pawdy　Carter　is！　　If　those　four

gals　are　faries；　Tellioni　is　sutnly　the　fairy　Queend。　　She　can　do

all　that　they　can　do；　and　somethink　they　can't。　　There's　an

indiscrible　grace　about　her；　and　Carlotty；　my　sweet　Carlotty；　she

sets　my　art　in　flams。



〃Ow　that　Miss　Hemly　was　noddin　and　winkin　at　me　out　of　their　box　on

the　fourth　tear？



〃What　linx　i's　she　must　av。　　As　if　I　could　mount　up　there！



〃P。S。Talking　of　MOUNTING　HUP！　the　St。　Helena's　walked　up　4　per

cent　this　very　day。〃





〃2nd　July。Rode　my　bay　oss　Desperation　in　the　park。　　There　was　me；

Lord　George　Ringwood　（Lord　Cinqbar's　son）；　Lord　Ballybunnion；

Honorable　Capting　Trap；　&　sevral　hother　young　swells。　　Sir　John's

carridge　there　in　coarse。　　Miss　Hemly　lets　fall　her　booky　as　I

pass；　and　I'm　obleged　to　get　ho