the sleeping-car - a farce-第3章

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THE　CONDUCTOR。　　My　advice　to　YOU　is　to　have　a　berth　made　up；　and　go

to　bed　till　we　get　to　Boston；　and　surprise　your　wife　by　telling　her

what　you　tried　to　do。



MR。　ROBERTS　（unable　to　resent　the　patronage　of　this　suggestion）。

Well；　I　don't　know　but　I　will。



THE　CONDUCTOR　（going　out）。　　The　porter　will　make　up　the　berth　for

you。



MR。　ROBERTS　（to　THE　PORTER；　who　is　about　to　pull　down　the　upper　berth

over　a　vacant　seat）。　　Ah！　　ErII　don't　think　I'll　trouble　you　to

make　it　up；　it's　so　near　morning　now。　　Just　bring　me　a　pillow；　and

I'll　try　to　get　a　nap　without　lying　down。



＇He　takes　the　vacant　seat。＇



THE　PORTER。　　All　right；　sah。



＇He　goes　to　the　end　of　the　car　and　returns　with　a　pillow。＇



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Ahporter！



THE　PORTER。　　Yes；　sah。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Of　course　you　didn't　notice；　but　you　don't　think　you

DID　notice　who　was　in　that　berth　yonder？



＇He　indicates　a　certain　berth。＇



THE　PORTER。　　Dat's　a　gen'leman　in　dat　berth；　I　think；　sah。



MR。　ROBERTS　（astutely）。　　There's　a　bonnet　hanging　from　the　hook　at

the　top。　　I'm　not　sure；　but　it　looks　like　my　wife's　bonnet。



THE　PORTER　（evidently　shaken　by　this　reasoning；　but　recovering　his

firmness）。　　Yes；　sah。　　But　you　can't　depend　upon　de　ladies　to　hang

deir　bonnets　on　de　right　hook。　　Jes'　likely　as　not　dat　lady's　took　de

hook　at　de　foot　of　her　berth　instead　o'　de　head。　　Sometimes　dey　takes

both。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Ah！　　＇After　a　pause。＇　　Porter！



THE　PORTER。　　Yes；　sah。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　You　wouldn't　feel　justified　in　looking？



THE　PORTER。　　I　couldn't；　sah；　I　couldn't；　indeed。



MR。　ROBERTS　（reaching　his　left　hand　toward　THE　PORTER'S；　and　pressing

a　half　dollar　into　his　instantly　responsive　palm）。　　But　there's

nothing　to　prevent　MY　looking　if　I　feel　perfectly　sure　of　the　bonnet？



THE　PORTER。　　N…no；　sah。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　All　right。



＇THE　PORTER　retires　to　the　end　of　the　car；　and　resumes　the　work　of

polishing　the　passengers'　boots。　　After　an　interval　of　quiet；　MR。

ROBERTS　rises；　and；　looking　about　him　with　what　he　feels　to　be

melodramatic　stealth；　approaches　the　suspected　berth。　　He　unloops　the

curtain　with　a　trembling　hand；　and　peers　ineffectually　in；　he

advances　his　head　further　and　further　into　the　darkened　recess；　and

then　suddenly　dodges　back　again；　with　THE　CALIFORNIAN　hanging　to　his

neckcloth　with　one　hand。＇



THE　CALIFORNIAN　（savagely）。　　What　do　you　want？



MR。　ROBERTS　（struggling　and　breathless）。　　III　want　my　wife。



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　Want　your　wife！　　Have　_I_　got　your　wife？



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Noahthat　isah；　excuse　meI　thought　you　WERE　my

wife。



THE　CALIFORNIAN　（getting　out　of　the　berth；　but　at　the　same　time

keeping　hold　of　MR。　ROBERTS）。　　Thought　I　was　your　WIFE！　　Do　I　look

like　your　wife？　　You　can't　play　that　on　me；　old　man。　　Porter！

conductor！



MR。　ROBERTS　（agonized）。　　Oh；　I　beseech　you；　my　dear　sir；　don't

don't！　　I　can　explain　itI　can　indeed。　　I　know　it　has　an　ugly　look；

but　if　you　will　allow　me　two　wordsonly　two　words　…



MRS。　ROBERTS　（suddenly　parting　the　curtain　of　her　berth；　and

springing　out　into　the　aisle；　with　her　hair　wildly　dishevelled）。

Edward！



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Oh；　Agnes；　explain　to　this　gentleman！　　＇Imploringly。＇

Don't　you　know　me？



A　VOICE。　　Make　him　show　you　the　strawberry　mark　on　his　left　arm。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Edward！　　Edward！　　＇THE　CALIFORNIAN　mechanically　looses

his　grip；　and　they　fly　into　each　other's　embrace。＇　　Where　did　you

come　from？



A　VOICE。　　Centre　door；　left　hand；　one　back。



THE　CONDUCTOR　（returning　with　his　lantern）。　　Hallo！　　What's　the

matter　here？



A　VOICE。　　Train　robbers！　　Throw　up　your　hands！　　Tell　the　express…

messenger　to　bring　his　safe。



＇The　passengers　emerge　from　their　berths　in　various　deshabille　and

bewilderment。＇



THE　CONDUCTOR　（to　MR。　ROBERTS）。　　Have　you　been　making　all　this　row；

waking　up　my　passengers？



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　No；　sir；　he　hasn't。　　I've　been　making　this　row。

This　gentleman　was　peaceably　looking　for　his　wife；　and　I

misunderstood　him。　　You　want　to　say　anything　to　me？



THE　CONDUCTOR　（silently　taking　THE　CALIFORNIAN'S　measure　with　his

eye；　as　he　stands　six　fret　in　his　stockings）。　　If　I　did；　I'd　get　the

biggest　brakeman　I　could　find　to　do　it　for　me。　　I'VE　got　nothing　to

say　except　that　I　think　you'd　better　all　go　back　to　bed　again。



＇He　goes　out；　and　the　passengers　disappear　one　by　one；　leaving　the

ROBERTSES　and　THE　CALIFORNIAN　alone。＇



THE　CALIFORNIAN　（to　MR。　ROBERTS）。　　Stranger；　I'm　sorry　I　got　you　into

this　scrape。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Oh；　don't　speak　of　it；　my　dear　sir。　　I'm　sure　we　owe

you　all　sorts　of　apologies；　which　I　shall　be　most　happy　to　offer　you

at　my　house　in　Boston；　with　every　needful　explanation。　　＇He　takes　out

his　card；　and　gives　it　to　THE　CALIFORNIAN；　who　looks　at　it；　and　then

looks　at　MR。　ROBERTS　curiously。＇　　There's　my　address；　and　I'm　sure　we

shall　both　be　glad　to　have　you　call。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Oh；　yes　indeed。　　＇THE　CALIFORNIAN　parts　the　curtains

of　his　berth　to　re…enter　it。＇　　Good…night；　sir；　and　I　assure　you　WE

shall　do　nothing　more　to　disturb　youshall　we；　Edward？



MR。　ROBERTS。　　No。　　And　now；　dear；　I　think　you'd　better　go　back　to

your　berth。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　I　couldn't　sleep；　and　I　shall　not　go　back。　　Is　this

your　place？　　I　will　just　rest　my　head　on　your　shoulder；　and　we　must

both　be　perfectly　quiet。　　You've　no　idea　what　a　nuisance　I　have　been

making　of　myself。　　The　whole　car　was　perfectly　furious　at　me　one

time；　I　kept　talking　so　loud。　　I　don't　know　how　I　came　to　do　it；　but

I　suppose　it　was　thinking　about　you　and　Willis　meeting　without

knowing　each　other　made　me　nervous；　and　I　couldn't　be　still。　　I　woke

everybody　up　with　my　talking；　and　some　of　them　were　quite　outrageous

in　their　remarks；　but　I　didn't　blame　them　the　least　bit；　for　I　should

have　been　just　as　bad。　　That　California　gentleman　was　perfectly

splendid；　though。　　I　can　tell　you　HE　made　them　stop。　　We　struck　up

quite　a　friendship。　　I　told　him　I　had　a　brother　coming　on　from

California；　and　he's　going　to　try　to　think　whether　he　knows　Willis。

＇Groans　and　inarticulate　protests　make　themselves　heard　from

different　berths。＇　　I　declare；　I've　got　to　talking　again！　　There；

now；　I　SHALL　stop；　and　they　won't　hear　another　squeak　from　me　the

rest　of　the　night。　　＇She　lifts　her　head　from　her　husband's　shoulder。＇

I　wonder　if　baby　will　roll　out。　　He　DOES　kick　so！　　And　I　just　sprang

up　and　left　him　when　I　heard　your　voice；　without　putting　anything　to

keep　him　in。　　I　MUST　go　and　have　a　look　at　him；　or　I　never　can　settle

down。　　No；　no；　don't　you　go；　Edward；　you'll　be　prying　into　all　the

wrong　berths　in　the　car；　you　poor　thing！　　You　stay　here；　and　I'll　be

back　in　half　a　second。　　I　wonder　which　is　my　berth。　　Ah！　that's　it；　I

know　the　one　now。　　＇She　makes　a　sudden　dash　at　a　berth；　and　pulling

open　the　curtains　is　confronted　by　the　bearded　visage　of　THE

CALIFORNIAN。＇　　Ah！　　Ow！　ow！　　Edward！　　Ah！　　II　beg　your　pardon；　sir；

excuse　me；　I　didn't　know　it　was　you。　　I　came　for　my　baby。



THE　CALIFORNIAN　（solemnly）。　　I　haven't　got　any　baby；　ma'am。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　NonoI　thought　you　were　my　baby。



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　Perhaps　I　am；　ma'am；　I've　lost　so　much　sleep　I

could　cry；　anyway。　　Do　I　LOOK　like　your　baby？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　No；　no；　you　don't。　　＇In　distress　that　overcomes　her

mortification。＇　　Oh；　where　is　my　baby？　　I　left　him　all　uncovered；　and

he'll　take　his　death　of　cold；　even　if　he　doesn't　roll　out。　　Oh；

Edward；　Edward；　help　me　to　find　baby！



MR。　ROBERTS　（bustling　aimlessly　about）。　　Yes；　yes；　certainly；　my

dear。　　But　don't　be　alarmed；　we　shall　find　him。



THE　CALIFORNIAN　（getting　out　in　his　stocking　feet）。　　We　shall　find

him；　ma'am；　if　we　have　to　search　every　berth　in　this　car。　　Don't　you

take　on。　　That　baby's　going　to　be　found　if　he's　aboard　the　train；

now；　you　bet！　　＇He　looks　about　and　then　tears　open　the　curtains　of　a

berth　at　random。＇　　That　your　baby；　ma'am？



MRS。　ROBERTS　（flying　upon　the　infant　thus　exposed）。　　Oh；　BABY；　baby；

baby！！　　I　thought　I　had　lost　you。　　Um！　um！　um！



＇She　clasps　him　in　her　arms；　and　covers　his　face　and　neck　with

kisses。＇



THE　CALIFORNIAN　（as　he　gets　back　into　his　berth；　sotto　voce）。　　I　wish

I　HAD　been　her　baby。



MRS。　ROBERTS　（returning　with　her　husband　to　his　seat；　and　bringing

the　baby　with　her）。　　There！　　Did　you　ever　see　such　a　sleeper；　Edward？

＇In　her　ecstasy　she　abandons　all　control　of　her　voice；　and　joyfully

exclaims。＇　　He　has　slept　all　through　this　excitement；　without　a　wink。



A　solemn　Voice　from　one　of　the　berths。　　I　envy　him。



＇A　laugh　follows；　in　which　all　the　passengers　join。＇



MRS。　ROBERTS　（in　a　hoarse　whisper；　breaking　a　little　with　laughter）。

Oh；　my　goodness！　there　I　went　again。　　But　how　funny！　　I　assure　you；

Edward；　that　if　their　remarks　had　not　been　about　me；　I　could　have

really　quite　enjoyed　some　of　them。　　I　wish　there　had　been　somebody

here　to　take　them　down。　　And　I　hope　I　shall　see　some　of　the　speakers

in　the　morning　beforeEdward；　I've　got　an　idea！



MR。　ROBERTS　（endeavoring　to　teach　his　wife　by　example　to　lower　her

voice；　which　has　risen　again）。　　Whatwhat　is　it；　my　dear？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Why；　don't　you　see？　　How　perfectly　ridiculous　it　was

of　me　not　to　think　of　it　before！　though　I　did　think　of　it　once；　and

hadn't　the　courage　to　insist　upon　it。　　But　of　course　it　is；　and　it

accounts　for　his　being　so　polite　and　kind　to　me　through　all；　and　it's

the　only　thing　that　can。　　Yes；　yes；　it　must　be。



MR。　ROBERTS　（mystified）。　　What？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Willis。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Who？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　This　Californian。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Oh！



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　No　STRANGER　could　have　been　so　patient　andand

attentive；　and　I　know　that　he　recognized　me　from　the　first；　and　he's

just　kept　it　up　for　a　joke；　so　as　to　surprise　us　and　have　a　good

laugh　at　us　when　we　get　to　Boston。　　Of　COURSE　it's　Willis。



MR。　ROBERTS　（doubtfully）。　　Do　you　think　so；　my　dear？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　I　KNOW　it。　　Didn't　you　notice　how　he　looked　at　your

card？　　And　I　want　you　to　go　at　once　and　speak　to　him；　and　turn　the

tables　on　him。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　II'd　rather　NOT；　my　dear。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Why；　Edward；　what　can　you　mean？



MR。　ROBERTS。　　He's　very　violent。　　Suppose　it　SHOULDN'T　be　Willis？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Nonsense！　　It　IS　Willis。　　Come；　let's　both　go　and　just

tax　him　with　it。　　He　can't　deny　it；　after　all　he's　done　for　me。　　＇She

pulls　her　reluctant　husband　toward　THE　CALIFORNIAN'S　berth；　and　they

each　draw　a　curtain。＇　　Willis！



THE　CALIFORNIAN　（with　plaintive　endurance）。　　Well；　ma'am？



MRS。　ROBERTS　（triumphantly）。　　There！　　I　knew　it　was　you　all　along。

How　could　you　play　such　a　joke　on　me？



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　I　didn't　know　there'd　been　any　joke；　but　I　suppose

there　must　have　been；　if　you　say　so。　　Who　am　I　now；　ma'amyour

husband；　or　your　baby；　or　your　husband's　wife；　or　…



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　How　fun