the sleeping-car - a farce-第2章

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Now；　baby；　here's　mamma　again。　　Are　you　all　right；　mamma's　own？



＇A　shaggy　head　and　bearded　face　are　thrust　from　the　curtains　of　the

next　berth。＇



THE　STRANGER。　　Look　here；　ma'am。　　I　don't　want　to　be　disagreeable

about　this　thing；　and　I　hope　you　won't　take　any　offence；　but　the　fact

is；　I'm　half　dead　for　want　of　sleep；　and　if　you'll　only　keep　quiet

now　a　little　while；　I'll　promise　not　to　speak　above　my　breath　if　ever

I　find　you　on　a　sleeping…car　after　you've　come　straight　through　from

San　Francisco；　day　and　night；　and　not　been　able　to　get　more　than

about　a　quarter　of　your　usual　allowance　of　restI　will　indeed。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　I'm　very　sorry　that　I've　disturbed　you；　and　I'll　try

to　be　more　quiet。　　I　didn't　suppose　I　was　speaking　so　loud；　but　the

cars　keep　up　such　a　rattling　that　you　never　can　tell　how　loud　you　ARE

speaking。　　Did　I　understand　you　to　say　that　you　were　from　California？



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　Yes；　ma'am。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　San　Francisco？



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　Yes；　ma'am。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Thanks。　　It's　a　terribly　long　journey；　isn't　it？　　I

know　quite　how　to　feel　for　you。　　I've　a　brother　myself　coming　on。　　In

fact　we　expected　him　before　this。　　＇She　scans　his　face　as　sharply　as

the　lamp…light　will　allow；　and　continues；　after　a　brief　hesitation。＇

It's　always　such　a　silly　question　to　ask　a　person；　and　I　suppose　San

Francisco　is　a　large　place；　with　a　great　many　people　always　coming

and　going；　so　that　it　would　be　only　one　chance　in　a　thousand　if　you

did。



THE　CALIFORNIAN　（patiently）。　　Did　what；　ma'am？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Oh；　I　was　just　wondering　if　it　was　possiblebut　of

course　it　isn't；　and　it's　very　flat　to　askthat　you'd　ever　happened

to　meet　my　brother　there。　　His　name　is　Willis　Campbell。



THE　CALIFORNIAN　（with　more　interest）。　　Campbell？　　Campbell？　　Yes；　I

know　a　man　of　that　name。　　But　I　disremember　his　first　name。　　Little

low　fellowpretty　chunky？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　I　don't　know。　　Do　you　mean　short　and　stout？



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　Yes；　ma'am。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　I'm　sure　I　can't　tell。　　It's　a　great　many　years　since

he　went　out　there；　and　I've　never　seen　him　in　all　that　time。　　I

thought　if　you　DID　happen　to　know　himHe's　a　lawyer。



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　It's　quite　likely　I　know　him；　and　in　the　morning；

ma'am　…



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Oh；　excuse　me。　　I'm　very　sorry　to　have　kept　you　so

long　awake　with　my　silly　questions。



THE　MAN　IN　THE　UPPER　BERTH。　　Don't　apologize；　madam。　　I'm　not　a

Californian　myself；　but　I'm　an　orphan；　and　away　from　home；　and　I

thank　you；　on　behalf　of　all　our　fellow…passengers；　for　the　mental

refreshment　that　your　conversation　has　afforded　us。　　_I_　could　lie

here　and　listen　to　it　all　night；　but　there　are　invalids　in　some　of

these　berths；　and　perhaps　on　their　account　it　will　be　as　well　to

defer　everything　till　the　morning；　as　our　friend　suggests。　　Allow　me

to　wish　you　pleasant　dreams；　madam。



＇THE　CALIFORNIAN；　while　MRS。　ROBERTS　shrinks　back　under　the　curtain

of　her　berth　in　dismay；　and　stammers　some　inaudible　excuse；　slowly

emerges　full　length　from　his　berth。＇



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　Don't　you　mind　me；　ma'am；　I've　got　everything　but

my　boots　and　coat　on。　　Now；　then　＇standing　beside　the　berth；　and

looking　in　upon　the　man　in　the　upper　tier＇；　you；　do　you　know　that

this　is　a　lady　you're　talking　to？



THE　UPPER　BERTH。　　By　your　voice　and　your　shaggy　personal　appearance　I

shouldn't　have　taken　you　for　a　ladyno；　sir。　　But　the　light　is　very

imperfect；　you　may　be　a　bearded　lady。



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　You　never　mind　about　my　looks。　　The　question　is；　Do

you　want　your　head　rapped　up　against　the　side　of　this　car？



THE　UPPER　BERTH。　　With　all　the　frankness　of　your　own　Pacific　slope；

no。



MRS。　ROBERTS　（hastily　reappearing）。　　Oh；　no；　no；　don't　hurt　him。

He's　not　to　blame。　　I　was　wrong　to　keep　on　talking。　　Oh；　please　don't

hurt　him！



THE　CALIFORNIAN　（to　THE　UPPER　BERTH）。　　You　hear？　　Well；　now；　don't

you　speak　another　word　to　that　lady　tonight。　　Just　go　on；　ma'am；　and

free　your　mind　on　any　little　matter　you　like。　　I　don't　want　any

sleep。　　How　long　has　your　brother　been　in　California？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Oh；　don't　let's　talk　about　it　now；　I　don't　want　to

talk　about　it。　　I　thoughtI　thoughtGood…night。　　Oh；　dear！　　I

didn't　suppose　I　was　making　so　much　trouble。　　I　didn't　mean　to

disturb　anybody。　　I　…



＇MRS。　ROBERTS　gives　way　to　the　excess　of　her　confusion　and

mortification　in　a　little　sob；　and　then　hides　her　grief　behind　the

curtains　of　her　berth。　　THE　CALIFORNIAN　slowly　emerges　again　from　his

couch；　and　stands　beside　it；　looking　in　upon　the　man　in　the　berth

above。＇



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　For　half　a　cent　I　WOULD　rap　your　head　up　against

that　wall。　　Making　the　lady　cry；　and　getting　me　so　mad　I　can't　sleep！

Now　see　here；　you　just　apologize。　　You　beg　that　lady's　pardon；　or

I'll　have　you　out　of　there　before　you　know　yourself。　　＇Cries　of

〃Good！〃　〃That's　right！〃　and　〃Make　him　show　himself！〃　hail　MRS。

ROBERTS'S　champion；　and　heads；　more　or　less　dishevelled；　are　thrust

from　every　berth。　　MRS。　ROBERTS　remains　invisible　and　silent；　and　the

loud　and　somewhat　complicated　respiration　of　her　AUNT　makes　itself

heard　in　the　general　hush　of　expectancy。　　A　remark　to　the　effect　that

〃The　old　lady　seems　to　enjoy　her　rest〃　achieves　a　facile　applause。

THE　CALIFORNIAN　again　addresses　the　culprit。＇　　Come；　now；　what　do　you

say？　　I'll　give　you　just　one…half　a　minute。



MRS。　ROBERTS　（from　her　shelter）。　　Oh；　please；　PLEASE　don't　make　him

say　anything。　　It　was　very　trying　in　me　to　keep　him　awake；　and　I　know

he　didn't　mean　any　offence。　　Oh；　DO　let　him　be！



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　You　hear　that？　　You　stay　quiet　the　rest　of　the

time；　and　if　that　lady　choses　to　keep　us　all　awake　the　whole　night；

don't　YOU　say　a　word；　or　I'll　settle　with　you　in　the　morning。



＇Loud　and　continued　applause；　amidst　which　THE　CALIFORNIAN　turns　from

the　man　in　the　berth　before　him；　and　restores　order　by　marching　along

the　aisle　of　the　car　in　his　stocking　feet。　　The　heads　vanish　behind

the　curtains。　　As　the　laughter　subsides；　he　returns　to　his　berth；　and

after　a　stare　up　and　down　the　tranquillized　car；　he　is　about　to

retire。＇



A　VOICE。　　Oh；　don't　just　bow。　　Speak！



＇A　fresh　burst　of　laughter　greets　this　sally。　　THE　CALIFORNIAN　erects

himself　again　with　an　air　of　baited　wrath；　and　then　suddenly　breaks

into　a　helpless　laugh。＇



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　Gentlemen；　you're　too　many　for　ME。



＇He　gets　into　his　berth；　and　after　cries　of　〃Good　for　California！〃

〃You're　all　right；　William　Nye！〃　and　〃You're　several　ahead　yet！〃　the

occupants　of　the　different　berths　gradually　relapse　into　silence；　and

at　last；　as　the　car　lunges　onward　through　the　darkness；　nothing　is

heard　but　the　rhythmical　clank　of　the　machinery；　with　now　and　then　a

burst　of　audible　slumber　from　MRS。　ROBERTS'S　aunt　MARY。＇





II。





At　Worcester；　where　the　train　has　made　the　usual　stop；　THE　PORTER；

with　his　lantern　on　his　arm；　enters　the　car；　preceding　a　gentleman

somewhat　anxiously　smiling；　his　nervous　speech　contrasts　painfully

with　the　business…like　impassiveness　of　THE　PORTER；　who　refuses；　with

an　air　of　incredulity；　to　enter　into　the　confidences　which　the

gentleman　seems　reluctant　to　bestow。



MR。　EDWARD　ROBERTS。　　This　is　the　Governor　Marcy；　isn't　it？



THE　PORTER。　　Yes；　sah。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Came　on　from　Albany；　and　not　from　New　York？



THE　PORTER。　　Yes；　sah；　it　did。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Ah！　it　must　be　all　right。　　I　…



THE　PORTER。　　Was　your　wife　expecting　you　to　come　on　board　here？



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Well；　no；　not　exactly。　　She　was　expecting　me　to　meet

her　at　Boston。　　But　I＇struggling　to　give　the　situation　dignity；　but

failing；　and　throwing　himself；　with　self…convicted　silliness；　upon

THE　PORTER'S　mercy。＇　　The　fact　is；　I　thought　I　would　surprise　her　by

joining　her　here。



THE　PORTER　（refusing　to　have　any　mercy）。　　Oh！　　How　did　you　expect　to

find　her？



MR。　ROBERTS。　　WellwellI　don't　know。　　I　didn't　consider。　　＇He

looks　down　the　aisle　in　despair　at　the　close…drawn　curtains　of　the

berths；　and　up　at　the　dangling　hats　and　bags　and　bonnets；　and　down　at

the　chaos　of　boots　of　both　sexes　on　the　floor。＇　　I　don't　know　HOW　I

expected　to　find　her。



＇MR。　ROBERTS'S　countenance　falls；　and　he　visibly　sinks　so　low　in　his

own　esteem　and　an　imaginary　public　opinion　that　THE　PORTER　begins　to

have　a　little　compassion。＇



THE　PORTER。　　Dey's　so　many　ladies　on　board　_I_　couldn't　find　her。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Oh；　no；　no；　of　course　not。　　I　didn't　expect　that。



THE　PORTER。　　Don't　like　to　go　routing　'em　all　up；　you　know。　　I

wouldn't　be　allowed　to。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　I　don't　ask　it；　that　would　be　preposterous。



THE　PORTER。　　What　sort　of　looking　lady　was　she？



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Well；　I　don't　know；　really。　　Not　very　tall；　rather

slight；　blue　eyes。　　II　don't　know　what　you'd　call　her　nose。　　And

stop！　　Oh　yes；　she　had　a　child　with　her；　a　little　boy。　　Yes！



THE　PORTER　（thoughtfully　looking　down　the　aisle）。　　Dey　was　three

ladies　had　children。　　I　didn't　notice　whether　dey　was　boys　or　girls；

or　WHAT　dey　was。　　Didn't　have　anybody　with　her？



MR。　ROBERTS。　　No；　no。　　Only　the　child。



THE　PORTER。　　Well；　I　don't　know　what　you　are　going　to　do；　sah。　　It

won't　be　a　great　while　now　till　morning；　you　know。　　Here　comes　the

conductor。　　Maybe　he'll　know　what　to　do。



＇MR。　ROBERTS　makes　some　futile；　inarticulate　attempts　to　prevent　The

PORTER　from　laying　the　case　before　THE　CONDUCTOR；　and　then　stands

guiltily　smiling；　overwhelmed　with　the　hopeless　absurdity　of　his

position。＇



THE　CONDUCTOR　（entering　the　car；　and　stopping　before　THE　PORTER；　and

looking　at　MR。　ROBERTS）。　　Gentleman　want　a　berth？



THE　PORTER　（grinning）。　　Well；　no；　sah。　　He's　lookin'　for　his　wife。



THE　CONDUCTOR　（with　suspicion）。　　Is　she　aboard　this　car？



MR。　ROBERTS　（striving　to　propitiate　THE　CONDUCTOR　by　a　dastardly

amiability）。　　Oh；　yes；　yes。　　There's　no　mistake　about　the　carthe

Governor　Marcy。　　She　telegraphed　the　name　just　before　you　left

Albany；　so　that　I　could　find　her　at　Boston　in　the　morning。　　Ah！



THE　CONDUCTOR。　　At　Boston。　　＇Sternly。＇　　Then　what　are　you　trying　to

find　her　at　Worcester　in　the　middle　of　the　night　for？



MR。　ROBERTS。　　WhyIthat　is　…



THE　PORTER　（taking　compassion　on　MR。　ROBERTS'S　inability　to

continue）。　　Says　he　wanted　to　surprise　her。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　Hayes；　exactly。　　A　little　caprice；　you　know。



THE　CONDUCTOR。　　Well；　that　may　all　be　so。　　＇MR。　ROBERTS　continues　to

smile　in　agonized　helplessness　against　THE　CONDUCTOR'S　injurious

tone；　which　becomes　more　and　more　offensively　patronizing。＇　　But　_I_

can't　do　anything　for　you。　　Here　are　all　these　people　asleep　in　their

berths；　and　I　can't　go　round　waking　them　up　because　you　want　to

surprise　your　wife。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　No；　no；　of　course　not。　　I　never　thought　…



THE　CONDUCTOR。　　My　advice　to　YOU　is　to　have　a　berth　made　up；　and　go

to　be