fantastic fables-第8章
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〃My friend；〃 said the Office Seeker； 〃you see before you the wreck
of an ambitious man … ruined by the pursuit of place and power。
This morning when I set out from the national capital … 〃
〃Stranger；〃 the Peasant interrupted； 〃if you're going back there
soon maybe you wouldn't mind using your influence to make me
Postmaster at Smith's Corners。〃
The traveller passed on。
The Various Delegation
THE King of Wideout having been offered the sovereignty of Wayoff；
sent for the Three Persons who had made the offer； and said to
them：
〃I am extremely obliged to you； but before accepting so great a
responsibility I must ascertain the sentiments of the people of
Wayoff。〃
〃Sire；〃 said the Spokesman of the Three Persons； 〃they stand before
you。〃
〃Indeed！〃 said the King； 〃are you； then； the people of Wayoff？〃
〃Yes； your Majesty。〃
〃There are not many of you；〃 the King said； attentively regarding
them with the royal eye； 〃and you are not so very large； I hardly
think you are a quorum。 Moreover； I never heard of you until you
came here； whereas Wayoff is noted for the quality of its pork and
contains hogs of distinction。 I shall send a Commissioner to
ascertain the sentiments of the hogs。〃
The Three Persons； bowing profoundly； backed out of the presence；
but soon afterward they desired another audience； and； on being
readmitted； said； through their Spokesman：
〃May it please your Majesty； we are the hogs。〃
The No Case
A STATESMAN who had been indicted by an unfeeling Grand Jury was
arrested by a Sheriff and thrown into jail。 As this was abhorrent
to his fine spiritual nature； he sent for the District Attorney and
asked that the case against him be dismissed。
〃Upon what grounds？〃 asked the District Attorney。
〃Lack of evidence to convict；〃 replied the accused。
〃Do you happen to have the lack with you？〃 the official asked。 〃I
should like to see it。〃
〃With pleasure；〃 said the other； 〃here it is。〃
So saying he handed the other a check； which the District Attorney
carefully examined； and then pronounced it the most complete
absence of both proof and presumption that he had ever seen。 He
said it would acquit the oldest man in the world。
A Harmless Visitor
AT a meeting of the Golden League of Mystery a Woman was
discovered； writing in a note…book。 A member directed the
attention of the Superb High Chairman to her； and she was asked to
explain her presence there； and what she was doing。
〃I came in for my own pleasure and instruction；〃 she said； 〃and was
so struck by the wisdom of the speakers that I could not help
making a few notes。〃
〃Madam；〃 said the Superb High Chairman； 〃we have no objection to
visitors if they will pledge themselves not to publish anything
they hear。 Are you … on your honour as a lady； now； madam … are
you not connected with some newspaper？〃
〃Good gracious； no！〃 cried the Woman； earnestly。 〃Why； sir； I am
an officer of the Women's Press Association！〃
She was permitted to remain； and presented with resolutions of
apology。
The Judge and the Rash Act
A JUDGE who had for years looked in vain for an opportunity for
infamous distinction； but whom no litigant thought worth bribing；
sat one day upon the Bench； lamenting his hard lot； and threatening
to put an end to his life if business did not improve。 Suddenly he
found himself confronted by a dreadful figure clad in a shroud；
whose pallor and stony eyes smote him with a horrible apprehension。
〃Who are you；〃 he faltered； 〃and why do you come here？〃
〃I am the Rash Act；〃 was the sepulchral reply； 〃you may commit me。〃
〃No；〃 the judge said； thoughtfully； 〃no； that would be quite
irregular。 I do not sit to…day as a committing magistrate。〃
The Prerogative of Might
A SLANDER travelling rapidly through the land upon its joyous
mission was accosted by a Retraction and commanded to halt and be
killed。
〃Your career of mischief is at an end；〃 said the Retraction；
drawing his club； rolling up his sleeves； and spitting on his
hands。
〃Why should you slay me？〃 protested the Slander。 〃Whatever my
intentions were； I have been innocuous； for you have dogged my
strides and counteracted my influence。〃
〃Dogged your grandmother！〃 said the Retraction； with contemptuous
vulgarity of speech。 〃In the order of nature it is appointed that
we two shall never travel the same road。〃
〃How then；〃 the Slander asked； triumphantly； 〃have you overtaken
me？〃
〃I have not；〃 replied the Retraction； 〃we have accidentally met。 I
came round the world the other way。〃
But when he tried to execute his fell purpose he found that in the
order of nature it was appointed that he himself perish miserably
in the encounter。
An Inflated Ambition
THE President of a great Corporation went into a dry…goods shop and
saw a placard which read：
〃If You Don't See What You Want； Ask For It。〃
Approaching the shopkeeper； who had been narrowly observing him as
he read the placard； he was about to speak； when the shopkeeper
called to a salesman：
〃John； show this gentleman the world。〃
Rejected Services
A HEAVY Operator overtaken by a Reverse of Fortune was bewailing
his sudden fall from affluence to indigence。
〃Do not weep；〃 said the Reverse of Fortune。 〃You need not suffer
alone。 Name any one of the men who have opposed your schemes； and
I will overtake HIM。〃
〃It is hardly worth while；〃 said the victim； earnestly。 〃Not a
soul of them has a cent！〃
The Power of the Scalawag
A FORESTRY Commissioner had just felled a giant tree when； seeing
an honest man approaching； he dropped his axe and fled。 The next
day when he cautiously returned to get his axe； he found the
following lines pencilled on the stump：
〃What nature reared by centuries of toil；
A scalawag in half a day can spoil；
An equal fate for him may Heaven provide …
Damned in the moment of his tallest pride。〃
At Large … One Temper
A TURBULENT Person was brought before a Judge to be tried for an
assault with intent to commit murder； and it was proved that he had
been variously obstreperous without apparent provocation； had
affected the peripheries of several luckless fellow…citizens with
the trunk of a small tree； and subsequently cleaned out the town。
While trying to palliate these misdeeds； the defendant's Attorney
turned suddenly to the Judge； saying：
〃Did your Honour ever lose your temper？〃
〃I fine you twenty…five dollars for contempt of court！〃 roared the
Judge； in wrath。 〃How dare you mention the loss of my temper in
connection with this case？〃
After a moment's silence the Attorney said； meekly：
〃I thought my client might perhaps have found it。〃
The Seeker and the Sought
A POLITICIAN seeing a fat Turkey which he wanted for dinner； baited
a hook with a grain of corn and dragged it before the fowl at the
end of a long and almost invisible line。 When the Turkey had
swallowed the hook； the Politician ran； drawing the creature after
him。
〃Fellow…citizens；〃 he cried； addressing some turkey…breeders whom
he met； 〃you observe that the man does not seek the bird； but the
bird seeks the man。 For this unsolicited and unexpected dinner I
thank you with all my heart。〃
His Fly…Speck Majesty
A DISTINGUISHED Advocate of Republican Institutions was seen
pickling his shins in the ocean。
〃Why don't you come out on dry land？〃 said the Spectator。 〃What
are you in there for？〃
〃Sir；〃 replied the Distinguished Advocate of Republican
Institutions； 〃a ship is expected； bearing His Majesty the King of
the Fly…Speck Islands； and I wish to be the first to grasp the
crowned hand。〃
〃But；〃 said the Spectator； 〃you said in your famous speech before
the Society for the Prevention of the Protrusion of Nail Heads from
Plank Sidewalks that Kings were blood…smeared oppressors and hell…
bound loafers。〃
〃My dear sir；〃 said the Distinguished Advocate of Republican
Institutions； without removing his eyes from the horizon； 〃you
wander away into the strangest irrelevancies！ I spoke of Kings in
the abstract。〃
The Pugilist's Diet
THE Trainer of a Pugilist consulted a Physician regarding the
champion's diet。
〃Beef…steaks are too tender；〃 said the Physician； 〃have his meat
cut from the neck of a bull。〃
〃I thought the steaks more digestible；〃 the Trainer explained。
〃That is very true；〃 said the Physician； 〃but they do not
sufficiently exercise the chin。〃
The Old Man and the Pupil
A BEAUTIFUL Old Man； meeting a Sunday…school Pupil； laid his hand
tenderly upon the lad's head； saying： 〃Listen； my son； to the words
of the wise and heed the advice of the righteous。〃
〃All right；〃 said the Sunday…school Pupil； 〃go ahead。〃
〃Oh； I haven't anything to do with it myself；〃 said the Beautiful
Old Man。 〃I am only observing one of the customs of the age。 I am
a pirate。〃
And when he had taken his hand from the lad's head； the latter
observed that his hair was full of clotted blood。 Then the
Beautiful Old Man went his way； instructing other youth。
The Deceased and his Heirs
A MAN died leaving a large estate and many sorrowful relations who
claimed it。 After some years； when all but one had had judgment
given against them； that one was awarded the estate； which he asked
his Attorney to have appraised。
〃There is nothing to appraise；〃 said the Attorney； pocketing his
last fee。
〃Then；〃 said the Successful Claimant； 〃what good has all this
litigation done me？〃
〃You have been a good client to me；〃 the Attorney replied；
gathering up his books and papers； 〃but I must say you betray a
surprising ignorance of the purpose of litigation。〃
The Politicians and the Plunder
SEVERAL Political Entities were dividing the spoil
