fantastic fables-第9章
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
SEVERAL Political Entities were dividing the spoils。
〃I will take the management of the prisons；〃 said a Decent Respect
for Public Opinion； 〃and make a radical change。〃
〃And I；〃 said the Blotted Escutcheon； 〃will retain my present
general connection with affairs； while my friend here； the Soiled
Ermine； will remain in the Judiciary。〃
The Political Pot said it would not boil any more unless
replenished from the Filthy Pool。
The Cohesive Power of Public Plunder quietly remarked that the two
bosses would； he supposed； naturally be his share。
〃No；〃 said the Depth of Degradation； 〃they have already fallen to
me。〃
The Man and the Wart
A PERSON with a Wart on His Nose met a Person Similarly Afflicted；
and said：
〃Let me propose your name for membership in the Imperial Order of
Abnormal Proboscidians； of which I am the High Noble Toby and
Surreptitious Treasurer。 Two months ago I was the only member。
One month ago there were two。 To…day we number four Emperors of
the Abnormal Proboscis in good standing … doubles every four weeks；
see？ That's geometrical progression … you know how that piles up。
In a year and a half every man in California will have a wart on
his Nose。 Powerful Order！ Initiation； five dollars。〃
〃My friend；〃 said the Person Similarly Afflicted； 〃here are five
dollars。 Keep my name off your books。〃
〃Thank you kindly；〃 the Man with a Wart on His Nose replied；
pocketing the money； 〃it is just the same to us as if you joined。
Good…by。〃
He went away； but in a little while he was back。
〃I quite forgot to mention the monthly dues；〃 he said。
The Divided Delegation
A DELEGATION at Washington went to a New President； and said：
〃Your Excellency； we are unable to agree upon a Favourite Son to
represent us in your Cabinet。〃
〃Then；〃 said the New President； 〃I shall have to lock you up until
you do agree。〃
So the Delegation was cast into the deepest dungeon beneath the
moat； where it maintained a divided mind for many weeks； but
finally reconciled its differences and asked to be taken before the
New President。
〃My child；〃 said he； 〃nothing is so beautiful as harmony。 My
Cabinet Selections were all made before our former interview； but
you have supplied a noble instance of patriotism in subordinating
your personal preferences to the general good。 Go now to your
beautiful homes and be happy。〃
It is not recorded that the Delegation was happy。
A Forfeited Right
THE Chief of the Weather Bureau having predicted a fine day； a
Thrifty Person hastened to lay in a large stock of umbrellas； which
he exposed for sale on the sidewalk； but the weather remained
clear； and nobody would buy。 Thereupon the Thrifty Person brought
an action against the Chief of the Weather Bureau for the cost of
the umbrellas。
〃Your Honour；〃 said the defendant's attorney； when the case was
called； 〃I move that this astonishing action be dismissed。 Not
only is my client in no way responsible for the loss； but he
distinctly foreshadowed the very thing that caused it。〃
〃That is just it； your Honour；〃 replied the counsel for the
plaintiff； 〃the defendant by making a correct forecast fooled my
client in the only way that he could do so。 He has lied so much
and so notoriously that he has neither the legal nor moral right to
tell the truth。〃
Judgment for the plaintiff。
Revenge
AN Insurance Agent was trying to induce a Hard Man to Deal With to
take out a policy on his house。 After listening to him for an
hour； while he painted in vivid colours the extreme danger of fire
consuming the house； the Hard Man to Deal With said：
〃Do you really think it likely that my house will burn down inside
the time that policy will run？〃
〃Certainly；〃 replied the Insurance Agent； 〃have I not been trying
all this time to convince you that I do？〃
〃Then；〃 said the Hard Man to Deal With； 〃why are you so anxious to
have your Company bet me money that it will not？〃
The Agent was silent and thoughtful for a moment； then he drew the
other apart into an unfrequented place and whispered in his ear：
〃My friend； I will impart to you a dark secret。 Years ago the
Company betrayed my sweetheart by promise of marriage。 Under an
assumed name I have wormed myself into its service for revenge； and
as there is a heaven above us； I will have its heart's blood！〃
An Optimist
Two Frogs in the belly of a snake were considering their altered
circumstances。
〃This is pretty hard luck；〃 said one。
〃Don't jump to conclusions；〃 the other said； 〃we are out of the wet
and provided with board and lodging。〃
〃With lodging； certainly；〃 said the First Frog； 〃but I don't see
the board。〃
〃You are a croaker；〃 the other explained。 〃We are ourselves the
board。〃
A Valuable Suggestion
A BIG Nation having a quarrel with a Little Nation； resolved to
terrify its antagonist by a grand naval demonstration in the
latter's principal port。 So the Big Nation assembled all its ships
of war from all over the world； and was about to send them three
hundred and fifty thousand miles to the place of rendezvous； when
the President of the Big Nation received the following note from
the President of the Little Nation：
〃My great and good friend； I hear that you are going to show us
your navy； in order to impress us with a sense of your power。 How
needless the expense！ To prove to you that we already know all
about it； I inclose herewith a list and description of all the
ships you have。〃
The great and good friend was so struck by the hard sense of the
letter that he kept his navy at home； and saved one thousand
million dollars。 This economy enabled him to buy a satisfactory
decision when the cause of the quarrel was submitted to
arbitration。
Two Footpads
Two Footpads sat at their grog in a roadside resort； comparing the
evening's adventures。
〃I stood up the Chief of Police；〃 said the First Footpad； 〃and I
got away with what he had。〃
〃And I；〃 said the Second Footpad； 〃stood up the United States
District Attorney； and got away with … 〃
〃Good Lord！〃 interrupted the other in astonishment and admiration …
〃you got away with what that fellow had？〃
〃No；〃 the unfortunate narrator explained … 〃with a small part of
what I had。〃
Equipped for Service
DURING the Civil War a Patriot was passing through the State of
Maryland with a pass from the President to join Grant's army and
see the fighting。 Stopping a day at Annapolis； he visited the shop
of a well…known optician and ordered seven powerful telescopes； one
for every day in the week。 In recognition of this munificent
patronage of the State's languishing industries； the Governor
commissioned him a colonel。
The Basking Cyclone
A NEGRO in a boat； gathering driftwood； saw a sleeping Alligator；
and； thinking it was a log； fell to estimating the number of
shingles it would make for his new cabin。 Having satisfied his
mind on that point； he stuck his boat…hook into the beast's back to
harvest his good fortune。 Thereupon the saurian emerged from his
dream and took to the water； greatly to the surprise of the man…
and…brother。
〃I never befo' seen such a cyclone as dat；〃 he exclaimed as soon as
he had recovered his breath。 〃It done carry away de ruf of my
house！〃
At the Pole
AFTER a great expenditure of life and treasure a Daring Explorer
had succeeded in reaching the North Pole； when he was approached by
a Native Galeut who lived there。
〃Good morning；〃 said the Native Galeut。 〃I'm very glad to see you；
but why did you come here？〃
〃Glory；〃 said the Daring Explorer； curtly。
〃Yes； yes； I know；〃 the other persisted； 〃but of what benefit to
man is your discovery？ To what truths does it give access which
were inaccessible before？ … facts； I mean； having a scientific
value？〃
〃I'll be Tom scatted if I know；〃 the great man replied； frankly；
〃you will have to ask the Scientist of the Expedition。〃
But the Scientist of the Expedition explained that he had been so
engrossed with the care of his instruments and the study of his
tables that he had found no time to think of it。
The Optimist and the Cynic
A MAN who had experienced the favours of fortune and was an
Optimist； met a man who had experienced an optimist and was a
Cynic。 So the Cynic turned out of the road to let the Optimist
roll by in his gold carriage。
〃My son；〃 said the Optimist； stopping the gold carriage； 〃you look
as if you had not a friend in the world。〃
〃I don't know if I have or not；〃 replied the Cynic； 〃for you have
the world。〃
The Poet and the Editor
〃MY dear sir；〃 said the editor to the man； who had called to see
about his poem； 〃I regret to say that owing to an unfortunate
altercation in this office the greater part of your manuscript is
illegible； a bottle of ink was upset upon it； blotting out all but
the first line … that is to say … 〃
〃'The autumn leaves were falling； falling。'
〃Unluckily； not having read the poem； I was unable to supply the
incidents that followed； otherwise we could have given them in our
own words。 If the news is not stale； and has not already appeared
in the other papers； perhaps you will kindly relate what occurred；
while I make notes of it。
〃'The autumn leaves were falling； falling；'
〃Go on。〃
〃What！〃 said the poet； 〃do you expect me to reproduce the entire
poem from memory？〃
〃Only the substance of it … just the leading facts。 We will add
whatever is necessary in the way of amplification and
embellishment。 It will detain you but a moment。
〃'The autumn leaves were falling； falling … '
〃Now； then。〃
There was a sound of a slow getting up and going away。 The
chronicler of passing events sat through it； motionless； with
suspended pen； and when the movement was complete Poesy was
