fantastic fables-第7章

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appoint　my　nephew　Night　Chaplain　and　Reminder　of　Mothers　and　



Sisters。〃















Religions　of　Error















HEARING　a　sound　of　strife；　a　Christian　in　the　Orient　asked　his　



Dragoman　the　cause　of　it。







〃The　Buddhists　are　cutting　Mohammedan　throats；〃　the　Dragoman　



replied；　with　oriental　composure。







〃I　did　not　know；〃　remarked　the　Christian；　with　scientific　interest；　



〃that　that　would　make　so　much　noise。〃







〃The　Mohammedans　are　cutting　Buddhist　throats；　too；〃　added　the　



Dragoman。







〃It　is　astonishing；〃　mused　the　Christian；　〃how　violent　and　how　



general　are　religious　animosities。　　Everywhere　in　the　world　the　



devotees　of　each　local　faith　abhor　the　devotees　of　every　other；　and　



abstain　from　murder　only　so　long　as　they　dare　not　commit　it。　　And　



the　strangest　thing　about　it　is　that　all　religions　are　erroneous　



and　mischievous　excepting　mine。　　Mine；　thank　God；　is　true　and　



benign。〃







So　saying　he　visibly　smugged　and　went　off　to　telegraph　for　a　



brigade　of　cutthroats　to　protect　Christian　interests。















The　Penitent　Elector















A　PERSON　belonging　to　the　Society　for　Passing　Resolutions　of　



Respect　for　the　Memory　of　Deceased　Members　having　died　received　the　



customary　attention。







〃Good　Heavens！〃　exclaimed　a　Sovereign　Elector；　on　hearing　the　



resolutions　read；　〃what　a　loss　to　the　nation！　　And　to　think　that　I　



once　voted　against　that　angel　for　Inspector　of　Gate…latches　in　



Public　Squares！〃







In　remorse　the　Sovereign　Elector　deprived　himself　of　political　



influence　by　learning　to　read。















The　Tail　of　the　Sphinx















A　DOG　of　a　taciturn　disposition　said　to　his　Tail：







〃Whenever　I　am　angry；　you　rise　and　bristle；　when　I　am　pleased；　you　



wag；　when　I　am　alarmed；　you　tuck　yourself　in　out　of　danger。　　You　



are　too　mercurial　…　you　disclose　all　my　emotions。　　My　notion　is　



that　tails　are　given　to　conceal　thought。　　It　is　my　dearest　ambition　



to　be　as　impassive　as　the　Sphinx。〃







〃My　friend；　you　must　recognise　the　laws　and　limitations　of　your　



being；〃　replied　the　Tail；　with　flexions　appropriate　to　the　



sentiments　uttered；　〃and　try　to　be　great　some　other　way。　　The　



Sphinx　has　one　hundred　and　fifty　qualifications　for　impassiveness　



which　you　lack。〃







〃What　are　they？〃　the　Dog　asked。







〃One　hundred　and　forty…nine　tons　of　sand　on　her　tail。〃







〃And　…　？〃







〃A　stone　tail。〃















A　Prophet　of　Evil















AN　Undertaker　Who　Was　a　Member　of　a　Trust　saw　a　Man　Leaning　on　a　



Spade；　and　asked　him　why　he　was　not　at　work。







〃Because；〃　said　the　Man　Leaning　on　a　Spade；　〃I　belong　to　the　



Gravediggers'　National　Extortion　Society；　and　we　have　decided　to　



limit　the　production　of　graves　and　get　more　money　for　the　reduced　



output。　　We　have　a　corner　in　graves　and　propose　to　work　it　to　the　



best　advantage。〃







〃My　friend；〃　said　the　Undertaker　Who　Was　a　Member　of　a　Trust；　〃this　



is　a　most　hateful　and　injurious　scheme。　　If　people　cannot　be　



assured　of　graves；　I　fear　they　will　no　longer　die；　and　the　best　



interests　of　civilisation　will　wither　like　a　frosted　leaf。〃







And　blowing　his　eyes　upon　his　handkerchief；　he　walked　away　



lamenting。















The　Crew　of　the　Life…boat















THE　Gallant　Crew　at　a　life…saving　station　were　about　to　launch　



their　life…boat　for　a　spin　along　the　coast　when　they　discovered；　



but　a　little　distance　away；　a　capsized　vessel　with　a　dozen　men　



clinging　to　her　keel。







〃We　are　fortunate；〃　said　the　Gallant　Crew；　〃to　have　seen　that　in　



time。　　Our　fate　might　have　been　the　same　as　theirs。〃







So　they　hauled　the　life…boat　back　into　its　house；　and　were　spared　



to　the　service　of　their　country。















A　Treaty　of　Peace















THROUGH　massacres　of　each　other's　citizens　China　and　the　United　



States　had　been　four　times　plunged　into　devastating　wars；　when；　in　



the　year　1994；　arose　a　Philosopher　in　Madagascar；　who　laid　before　



the　Governments　of　the　two　distracted　countries　the　following　MODUS　



VIVENDI：







〃Massacres　are　to　be　sternly　forbidden　as　heretofore；　but　any　



citizen　or　subject　of　either　country　disobeying　the　injunction　is　



to　detach　the　scalps　of　all　persons　massacred　and　deposit　them　with　



a　local　officer　designated　to　receive　and　preserve　them　and　sworn　



to　keep　and　render　a　true　account　thereof。　　At　the　conclusion　of　



each　massacre　in　either　country；　or　as　soon　thereafter　as　



practicable；　or　at　stated　regular　periods；　as　may　be　provided　by　



treaty；　there　shall　be　an　exchange　of　scalps　between　the　two　



Governments；　scalp　for　scalp；　without　regard　to　sex　or　age；　the　



Government　having　the　greatest　number　is　to　be　taxed　on　the　excess　



at　the　rate　of　1000　a　scalp；　and　the　other　Government　credited　



with　the　amount。　　Once　in　every　decade　there　shall　be　a　general　



settlement；　when　the　balance　due　shall　be　paid　to　the　creditor　



nation　in　Mexican　dollars。〃







The　plan　was　adopted；　the　necessary　treaty　made；　with　legislation　



to　carry　out　its　provisions；　the　Madagascarene　Philosopher　took　his　



seat　in　the　Temple　of　Immortality；　and　Peace　spread　her　white　wings　



over　the　two　nations；　to　the　unspeakable　defiling　of　her　plumage。















The　Nightside　of　Character















A　GIFTED　and　Honourable　Editor；　who　by　practice　of　his　profession　



had　acquired　wealth　and　distinction；　applied　to　an　Old　Friend　for　



the　hand　of　his　daughter　in　marriage。







〃With　all　my　heart；　and　God　bless　you！〃　said　the　Old　Friend；　



grasping　him　by　both　hands。　　〃It　is　a　greater　honour　than　I　had　



dared　to　hope　for。〃







〃I　knew　what　your　answer　would　be；〃　replied　the　Gifted　and　



Honourable　Editor。　　〃And　yet；〃　he　added；　with　a　sly　smile；　〃I　feel　



that　I　ought　to　give　you　as　much　knowledge　of　my　character　as　I　



possess。　　In　this　scrap…book　is　such　testimony　relating　to　my　shady　



side；　as　I　have　within　the　past　ten　years　been　able　to　cut　from　the　



columns　of　my　competitors　in　the　business　of　elevating　humanity　to　



a　higher　plane　of　mind　and　morals　…　my　'loathsome　contemporaries。'〃







Laying　the　book　on　a　table；　he　withdrew　in　high　spirits　to　make　



arrangements　for　the　wedding。　　Three　days　later　he　received　the　



scrap…book　from　a　messenger；　with　a　note　warning　him　never　again　to　



darken　his　Old　Friend's　door。







〃See！〃　the　Gifted　and　Honourable　Editor　exclaimed；　pointing　to　that　



injunction　…　〃I　am　a　painter　and　grainer！〃







And　he　was　led　away　to　the　Asylum　for　the　Indiscreet。















The　Faithful　Cashier















THE　Cashier　of　a　bank　having　defaulted　was　asked　by　the　Directors　



what　he　had　done　with　the　money　taken。







〃I　am　greatly　surprised　by　such　a　question；〃　said　the　Cashier；　〃it　



sounds　as　if　you　suspected　me　of　selfishness。　　Gentlemen；　I　applied　



that　money　to　the　purpose　for　which　I　took　it；　I　paid　it　as　an　



initiation　fee　and　one　year's　dues　in　advance　to　the　Treasurer　of　



the　Cashiers'　Mutual　Defence　Association。〃







〃What　is　the　object　of　that　organisation？〃　the　Directors　inquired。







〃When　any　one　of　its　members　is　under　suspicion；〃　replied　the　



Cashier；　〃the　Association　undertakes　to　clear　his　character　by　



submitting　evidence　that　he　was　never　a　prominent　member　of　any　



church；　nor　foremost　in　Sunday…school　work。〃







Recognising　the　value　to　the　bank　of　a　spotless　reputation　for　its　



officers；　the　President　drew　his　check　for　the　amount　of　the　



shortage　and　the　Cashier　was　restored　to　favour。















The　Circular　Clew















A　DETECTIVE　searching　for　the　murderer　of　a　dead　man　was　accosted　



by　a　Clew。







〃Follow　me；〃　said　the　Clew；　〃and　there's　no　knowing　what　you　may　



discover。〃







So　the　Detective　followed　the　Clew　a　whole　year　through　a　thousand　



sinuosities；　and　at　last　found　himself　in　the　office　of　the　Morgue。







〃There！〃　said　the　Clew；　pointing　to　the　open　register。







The　Detective　eagerly　scanned　the　page；　and　found　an　official　



statement　that　the　deceased　was　dead。　　Thereupon　he　hastened　to　



Police　Headquarters　to　report　progress。　　The　Clew；　meanwhile；　



sauntered　among　the　busy　haunts　of　men；　arm　in　arm　with　an　



Ingenious　Theory。〃















The　Devoted　Widow















A　WIDOW　weeping　on　her　husband's　grave　was　approached　by　an　



Engaging　Gentleman　who；　in　a　respectful　manner；　assured　her　that　he　



had　long　entertained　for　her　the　most　tender　feelings。







〃Wretch！〃　cried　the　Widow。　　〃Leave　me　this　instant！　　Is　this　a　time　



to　talk　to　me　of　love？〃







〃I　assure　you；　madam；　that　I　had　not　intended　to　disclose　my　



affection；〃　the　Engaging　Gentleman　humbly　explained；　〃but　the　power　



of　your　beauty　has　overcome　my　discretion。〃







〃You　should　see　me　when　I　have　not　been　crying；〃　said　the　Widow。















The　Hardy　Patriots















A　DISPENSER…ELECT　of　Patronage　gave　notice　through　the　newspapers　



that　applicants　for　places　would　be　given　none　until　he　should　



assume　the　duties　of　his　office。







〃You　are　exposing　yourself　to　a　grave　danger；〃　said　a　Lawyer。







〃How　so？〃　the　Dispenser…Elect　inquired。







〃It　will　be　nearly　two　months；〃　the　Lawyer　answered；　〃before　the　



day　that　you　mention。　　Few　patriots　can　live　so　long　without　



eating；　and　some　of　the　applicants　will　be　compelled　to　go　to　work　



in　the　meantime。　　If　that　kills　them；　you　will　be　liable　to　



prosecution　for　murder。〃







〃You　underrate　their　powers　of　endurance；〃　the　official　replied。







〃What！〃　said　the　Lawyer；　〃you　think　they　can　stand　work？〃







〃No；〃　said　the　other　…　〃hunger。〃















The　Humble　Peasant















AN　Office　Seeker　whom　the　President　had　ordered　out　of　Washington　



was　watering　the　homeward　highway　with　his　tears。







〃Ah；〃　he　said；　〃how　disastrous　is　ambition！　how　unsatisfying　its　



rewards！　how　terrible　its　disappointments！　　Behold　yonder　peasant　



tilling　his　field　in　peace　and　contentment！　　He　rises　with　the　



lark；　passes　the　day　in　wholesome　toil；　and　lies　down　at　night　to　



pleasant　dreams。　　In　the　mad　struggle　for　place　and　power　he　has　no　



part；　the　roar　of　the　strife　reaches　his　ear　like　the　distant　



murmur　of　the　ocean。　　Happy；　thrice　happy　man！　　I　will　approach　him　



and　bask　in　the　sunshine　of　his　humble　felicity。　　Peasant；　all　



hail！〃







Leaning　upon　his　rake；　the　Peasant　returned　the　salutation　with　a　



nod；　but　said　nothing。







〃My　friend；〃　said　the　Office　Seeker；　〃you　see　before　you　the　wreck　



of　an　ambitious　man　…　ruined　by　the　pursui