fantastic fables-第4章
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his essay on the circularity of the political horizon。
〃One hundred and sixty dollars；〃 replied the man who had discovered
the moon。
〃Not half enough；〃 was the Editor's comment。
〃Generous man！〃 cried the Astronomer； glowing with warm and
elevated sentiments； 〃pay me； then； what you will。〃
〃Great and good friend；〃 said the Editor； blandly； looking up from
his work； 〃we are far asunder； it seems。 The paying is to be done
by you。〃
The Director of the Observatory gathered up the manuscript and went
away； explaining that it needed correction； he had neglected to dot
an m。
The Lion and the Rattlesnake
A MAN having found a Lion in his path undertook to subdue him by
the power of the human eye； and near by was a Rattlesnake engaged
in fascinating a small bird。
〃How are you getting on； brother？〃 the Man called out to the other
reptile； without removing his eyes from those of the Lion。
〃Admirably；〃 replied the serpent。 〃My success is assured； my
victim draws nearer and nearer in spite of her efforts。〃
〃And mine；〃 said the Man； 〃draws nearer and nearer in spite of
mine。 Are you sure it is all right？〃
〃If you don't think so；〃 the reptile replied as well as he then
could； with his mouth full of bird； 〃you better give it up。〃
A half…hour later； the Lion； thoughtfully picking his teeth with
his claws； told the Rattlesnake that he had never in all his varied
experience in being subdued； seen a subduer try so earnestly to
give it up。 〃But；〃 he added； with a wide； significant smile； 〃I
looked him into countenance。〃
The Man with No Enemies
AN Inoffensive Person walking in a public place was assaulted by a
Stranger with a Club； and severely beaten。
When the Stranger with a Club was brought to trial； the complainant
said to the Judge：
〃I do not know why I was assaulted； I have not an enemy in the
world。〃
〃That；〃 said the defendant； 〃is why I struck him。〃
〃Let the prisoner be discharged；〃 said the Judge； 〃a man who has no
enemies has no friends。 The courts are not for such。〃
The Alderman and the Raccoon
〃I SEE quite a number of rings on your tail；〃 said an Alderman to a
Raccoon that he met in a zoological garden。
〃Yes；〃 replied the Raccoon； 〃and I hear quite a number of tales on
your ring。〃
The Alderman； being of a sensitive； retiring disposition； shrank
from further comparison； and； strolling to another part of the
garden； stole the camel。
The Flying…Machine
AN Ingenious Man who had built a flying…machine invited a great
concourse of people to see it go up。 At the appointed moment；
everything being ready； he boarded the car and turned on the power。
The machine immediately broke through the massive substructure upon
which it was builded； and sank out of sight into the earth； the
aeronaut springing out barely in time to save himself。
〃Well；〃 said he； 〃I have done enough to demonstrate the correctness
of my details。 The defects；〃 he added； with a look at the ruined
brick…work； 〃are merely basic and fundamental。〃
Upon this assurance the people came forward with subscriptions to
build a second machine。
The Angel's Tear
AN Unworthy Man who had laughed at the woes of a Woman whom he
loved； was bewailing his indiscretion in sack…cloth…of…gold and
ashes…of…roses； when the Angel of Compassion looked down upon him；
saying：
〃Poor mortal！ … how unblest not to know the wickedness of laughing
at another's misfortune！〃
So saying； he let fall a great tear； which； encountering in its
descent a current of cold air； was congealed into a hail…stone。
This struck the Unworthy Man on the head and set him rubbing that
bruised organ vigorously with one hand while vainly attempting to
expand an umbrella with the other。
Thereat the Angel of Compassion did most shamelessly and wickedly
laugh。
The City of Political Distinction
JAMRACH the Rich； being anxious to reach the City of Political
Distinction before nightfall； arrived at a fork of the road and was
undecided which branch to follow； so he consulted a Wise…Looking
Person who sat by the wayside。
〃Take THAT road；〃 said the Wise…Looking Person； pointing it out；
〃it is known as the Political Highway。〃
〃Thank you；〃 said Jamrach； and was about to proceed。
〃About how much do you thank me？〃 was the reply。 〃Do you suppose I
am here for my health？〃
As Jamrach had not become rich by stupidity； he handed something to
his guide and hastened on； and soon came to a toll…gate kept by a
Benevolent Gentleman； to whom he gave something； and was suffered
to pass。 A little farther along he came to a bridge across an
imaginary stream； where a Civil Engineer （who had built the bridge）
demanded something for interest on his investment； and it was
forthcoming。 It was growing late when Jamrach came to the margin
of what appeared to be a lake of black ink； and there the road
terminated。 Seeing a Ferryman in his boat he paid something for
his passage and was about to embark。
〃No；〃 said the Ferryman。 〃Put your neck in this noose； and I will
tow you over。 It is the only way；〃 he added； seeing that the
passenger was about to complain of the accommodations。
In due time he was dragged across； half strangled； and dreadfully
beslubbered by the feculent waters。 〃There；〃 said the Ferryman；
hauling him ashore and disengaging him； 〃you are now in the City of
Political Distinction。 It has fifty millions of inhabitants； and
as the colour of the Filthy Pool does not wash off； they all look
exactly alike。〃
〃Alas！〃 exclaimed Jamrach； weeping and bewailing the loss of all
his possessions； paid out in tips and tolls； 〃I will go back with
you。〃
〃I don't think you will；〃； said the Ferryman； pushing off； 〃this
city is situated on the Island of the Unreturning。〃
The Party Over There
A MAN in a Hurry； whose watch was at his lawyer's； asked a Grave
Person the time of day。
〃I heard you ask that Party Over There the same question；〃 said the
Grave Person。 〃What answer did he give you？〃
〃He said it was about three o'clock；〃 replied the Man in a Hurry；
〃but he did not look at his watch； and as the sun is nearly down； I
think it is later。〃
〃The fact that the sun is nearly down；〃 the Grave Person said； 〃is
immaterial； but the fact that he did not consult his timepiece and
make answer after due deliberation and consideration is fatal。 The
answer given；〃 continued the Grave Person； consulting his own
timepiece； 〃is of no effect； invalid； and absurd。〃
〃What； then；〃 said the Man in a Hurry； eagerly； 〃is the time of
day？〃
〃The question is remanded to the Party Over There for a new
answer；〃 replied the Grave Person； returning his watch to his
pocket and moving away with great dignity。
He was a Judge of an Appellate Court。
The Poetess of Reform
ONE pleasant day in the latter part of eternity； as the Shades of
all the great writers were reposing upon beds of asphodel and moly
in the Elysian fields； each happy in hearing from the lips of the
others nothing but copious quotation from his own works （for so
Jove had kindly bedeviled their ears）； there came in among them
with triumphant mien a Shade whom none knew。 She （for the newcomer
showed such evidences of sex as cropped hair and a manly stride）
took a seat in their midst； and smiling a superior smile explained：
〃After centuries of oppression I have wrested my rights from the
grasp of the jealous gods。 On earth I was the Poetess of Reform；
and sang to inattentive ears。 Now for an eternity of honour and
glory。〃
But it was not to be so； and soon she was the unhappiest of
mortals； vainly desirous to wander again in gloom by the infernal
lakes。 For Jove had not bedeviled her ears； and she heard from the
lips of each blessed Shade an incessant flow of quotation from his
own works。 Moreover； she was denied the happiness of repeating her
poems。 She could not recall a line of them； for Jove had decreed
that the memory of them abide in Pluto's painful domain； as a part
of the apparatus。
The Unchanged Diplomatist
THE republic of Madagonia had been long and well represented at the
court of the King of Patagascar by an officer called a Dazie； but
one day the Madagonian Parliament conferred upon him the superior
rank of Dandee。 The next day after being apprised of his new
dignity he hastened to inform the King of Patagascar。
〃Ah； yes； I understand；〃 said the King； 〃you have been promoted and
given increased pay and allowances。 There was an appropriation？〃
〃Yes； your Majesty。〃
〃And you have now two heads； have you not？〃
〃Oh； no； your Majesty … only one； I assure you。〃
〃Indeed？ And how many legs and arms？〃
〃Two of each； Sire … only two of each。〃
〃And only one body？〃
〃Just a single body； as you perceive。〃
Thoughtfully removing his crown and scratching the royal head； the
monarch was silent a moment； and then he said：
〃I fancy that appropriation has been misapplied。 You seem to be
about the same kind of idiot that you were before。〃
An Invitation
A PIOUS Person who had overcharged his paunch with dead bird by way
of attesting his gratitude for escaping the many calamities which
Heaven had sent upon others； fell asleep at table and dreamed。 He
thought he lived in a country where turkeys were the ruling class；
and every year they held a feast to manifest their sense of
Heaven's goodness in sparing their lives to kill them later。 One
day； about a week before one of these feasts； he met the Supreme
Gobbler； who said：
〃You will please get yourself into good condition for the
Thanksgiving dinner。〃
〃Yes； your Excellency；〃 replied the Pious Person； delighted； 〃I
shall come hungry； I assure you。 It is no small privilege to dine
with your Excellency。〃
The Supreme Gobbler eyed him for a moment in silence； then he said：
〃As one of the lower domestic animals； you cannot be expected to
know much； but
