fantastic fables-第5章
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〃As one of the lower domestic animals； you cannot be expected to
know much； but you might know something。 Since you do not； you
will permit me to point out that being asked to dinner is one
thing； being asked to dine is another and a different thing。〃
With this significant remark the Supreme Gobbler left him； and
thenceforward the Pious Person dreamed of himself as white meat and
dark until rudely awakened by decapitation。
The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky
THE two brightest lights of Theosophy being in the same place at
once in company with the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky； an Inquiring
Soul thought the time propitious to learn something worth while。
So he sat at the feet of one awhile； and then he sat awhile at the
feet of the other； and at last he applied his ear to the keyhole of
the casket containing the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky。 When the
Inquiring Soul had completed his course of instruction he declared
himself the Ahkoond of Swat； fell into the baleful habit of
standing on his head； and swore that the mother who bore him was a
pragmatic paralogism。 Wherefore he was held in high reverence； and
when the two other gentlemen were hanged for lying the Theosophists
elected him to the leadership of their Disastral Body； and after a
quiet life and an honourable death by the kick of a jackass he was
reincarnated as a Yellow Dog。 As such he ate the Ashes of Madame
Blavatsky； and Theosophy was no more。
The Opossum of the Future
ONE day an Opossum who had gone to sleep hanging from the highest
branch of a tree by the tail； awoke and saw a large Snake wound
about the limb； between him and the trunk of the tree。
〃If I hold on；〃 he said to himself； 〃I shall be swallowed； if I let
go I shall break my neck。〃
But suddenly he bethought himself to dissemble。
〃My perfected friend；〃 he said； 〃my parental instinct recognises in
you a noble evidence and illustration of the theory of development。
You are the Opossum of the Future； the ultimate Fittest Survivor of
our species； the ripe result of progressive prehensility … all
tail！〃
But the Snake； proud of his ancient eminence in Scriptural history；
was strictly orthodox； and did not accept the scientific view。
The Life…Savers
SEVENTY…FIVE Men presented themselves before the President of the
Humane Society and demanded the great gold medal for life…saving。
〃Why； yes；〃 said the President； 〃by diligent effort so many men
must have saved a considerable number of lives。 How many did you
save？〃
〃Seventy…five； sir；〃 replied their Spokesman。
〃Ah； yes； that is one each … very good work … very good work；
indeed；〃 the President said。 〃You shall not only have the
Society's great gold medal； but its recommendation for employment
at the various life…boat stations along the coast。 But how did you
save so many lives？〃
The Spokesman of the Men replied：
〃We are officers of the law； and have just returned from the
pursuit of two murderous outlaws。〃
The Australian Grasshopper
A DISTINGUISHED Naturalist was travelling in Australia； when he saw
a Kangaroo in session and flung a stone at it。 The Kangaroo
immediately adjourned； tracing against the sunset sky a parabolic
curve spanning seven provinces； and evanished below the horizon。
The Distinguished Naturalist looked interested； but said nothing
for an hour； then he said to his native Guide：
〃You have pretty wide meadows here； I suppose？〃
〃No； not very wide；〃 the Guide answered； 〃about the same as in
England and America。〃
After another long silence the Distinguished Naturalist said：
〃The hay which we shall purchase for our horses this evening … I
shall expect to find the stalks about fifty feet long。 Am I
right？〃
〃Why； no；〃 said the Guide； 〃a foot or two is about the usual length
of our hay。 What can you be thinking of？〃
The Distinguished Naturalist made no immediate reply； but later； as
in the shades of night they journeyed through the desolate vastness
of the Great Lone Land； he broke the silence：
〃I was thinking；〃 he said； 〃of the uncommon magnitude of that
grass…hopper。〃
The Pavior
AN Author saw a Labourer hammering stones into the pavement of a
street； and approaching him said：
〃My friend； you seem weary。 Ambition is a hard taskmaster。〃
〃I'm working for Mr。 Jones； sir；〃 the Labourer replied。
〃Well； cheer up；〃 the Author resumed； 〃fame comes at the most
unexpected times。 To…day you are poor； obscure； and disheartened；
and to…morrow the world may be ringing with your name。〃
〃What are you giving me？〃 the Labourer said。 〃Cannot an honest
pavior perform his work in peace； and get his money for it； and his
living by it； without others talking rot about ambition and hopes
of fame？〃
〃Cannot an honest writer？〃 said the Author。
The Tried Assassin
AN Assassin being put upon trial in a New England court； his
Counsel rose and said： 〃Your Honour； I move for a discharge on the
ground of 'once in jeopardy'： my client has been already tried for
that murder and acquitted。〃
〃In what court？〃 asked the Judge。
〃In the Superior Court of San Francisco；〃 the Counsel replied。
〃Let the trial proceed … your motion is denied；〃 said the Judge。
〃An Assassin is not in jeopardy when tried in California。〃
The Bumbo of Jiam
THE Pahdour of Patagascar and the Gookul of Madagonia were
disputing about an island which both claimed。 Finally； at the
suggestion of the International League of Cannon Founders； which
had important branches in both countries； they decided to refer
their claims to the Bumbo of Jiam； and abide by his judgment。 In
settling the preliminaries of the arbitration they had； however；
the misfortune to disagree； and appealed to arms。 At the end of a
long and disastrous war； when both sides were exhausted and
bankrupt； the Bumbo of Jiam intervened in the interest of peace。
〃My great and good friends；〃 he said to his brother sovereigns； 〃it
will be advantageous to you to learn that some questions are more
complex and perilous than others； presenting a greater number of
points upon which it is possible to differ。 For four generations
your royal predecessors disputed about possession of that island；
without falling out。 Beware； oh； beware the perils of
international arbitration！ … against which I feel it my duty to
protect you henceforth。〃
So saying； he annexed both countries； and after a long； peaceful；
and happy reign was poisoned by his Prime Minister。
The Two Poets
Two Poets were quarrelling for the Apple of Discord and the Bone of
Contention； for they were very hungry。
〃My sons；〃 said Apollo； 〃I will part the prizes between you。 You；〃
he said to the First Poet； 〃excel in Art … take the Apple。 And
you；〃 he said to the Second Poet； 〃in Imagination … take the Bone。〃
〃To Art the best prize！〃 said the First Poet； triumphantly； and
endeavouring to devour his award broke all his teeth。 The Apple
was a work of Art。
〃That shows our Master's contempt for mere Art；〃 said the Second
Poet； grinning。
Thereupon he attempted to gnaw his Bone； but his teeth passed
through it without resistance。 It was an imaginary Bone。
The Thistles upon the Grave
A MIND Reader made a wager that he would be buried alive and remain
so for six months； then be dug up alive。 In order to secure the
grave against secret disturbance； it was sown with thistles。 At
the end of three months； the Mind Reader lost his money。 He had
come up to eat the thistles。
The Shadow of the Leader
A POLITICAL Leader was walking out one sunny day； when he observed
his Shadow leaving him and walking rapidly away。
〃Come back here； you scoundrel；〃 he cried。
〃If I had been a scoundrel；〃 answered the Shadow； increasing its
speed； 〃I should not have left you。〃
The Sagacious Rat
A RAT that was about to emerge from his hole caught a glimpse of a
Cat waiting for him； and descending to the colony at the bottom of
the hole invited a Friend to join him in a visit to a neighbouring
corn…bin。 〃I would have gone alone；〃 he said； 〃but could not deny
myself the pleasure of such distinguished company。〃
〃Very well；〃 said the Friend； 〃I will go with you。 Lead on。〃
〃Lead？〃 exclaimed the other。 〃What！ I precede so great and
illustrious a rat as you？ No； indeed … after you； sir； after you。〃
Pleased with this great show of deference； the Friend went ahead；
and； leaving the hole first； was caught by the Cat； who immediately
trotted away with him。 The other then went out unmolested。
The Member and the Soap
A MEMBER of the Kansas Legislature meeting a Cake of Soap was
passing it by without recognition； but the Cake of Soap insisted on
stopping and shaking hands。 Thinking it might possibly be in the
enjoyment of the elective franchise； he gave it a cordial and
earnest grasp。 On letting it go he observed that a portion of it
adhered to his fingers； and running to a brook in great alarm he
proceeded to wash it off。 In doing so he necessarily got some on
the other hand； and when he had finished washing； both were so
white that he went to bed and sent for a physician。
Alarm and Pride
〃GOOD…MORNING； my friend；〃 said Alarm to Pride； 〃how are you this
morning？〃
〃Very tired；〃 replied Pride； seating himself on a stone by the
wayside and mopping his steaming brow。 〃The politicians are
wearing me out by pointing to their dirty records with ME； when
they could as well use a stick。〃
Alarm sighed sympathetically； and said：
〃It is pretty much the same way here。 Instead of using an opera…
glass they view the acts of their opponents with ME！〃
As these patient drudges were mingling their tears； they were
notified that they must go on duty again； for one of the political
parties had nominated a thief and was about to hold a gratification
meeting。
A Causeway
A RI
