fantastic fables-第3章

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kind　enough　to　alter　my　punishment　to　ten　years　in　the　penitentiary　



and　nothing　else？〃







〃Why；〃　said　the　Judge；　surprised；　〃I　have　given　you　only　three　



years！〃







〃Yes；　I　know；〃　assented　the　Malefactor　…　〃three　years'　imprisonment　



and　the　preaching。　　If　you　please；　I　should　like　to　commute　the　



preaching。〃















A　Call　to　Quit















SEEING　that　his　audiences　were　becoming　smaller　every　Sunday；　a　



Minister　of　the　Gospel　broke　off　in　the　midst　of　a　sermon；　



descended　the　pulpit　stairs；　and　walked　on　his　hands　down　the　



central　aisle　of　the　church。　　He　then　remounted　his　feet；　ascended　



to　the　pulpit；　and　resumed　his　discourse；　making　no　allusion　to　the　



incident。







〃Now；〃　said　he　to　himself；　as　he　went　home；　〃I　shall　have；　



henceforth；　a　large　attendance　and　no　snoring。〃







But　on　the　following　Friday　he　was　waited　upon　by　the　Pillars　of　



the　Church；　who　informed　him　that　in　order　to　be　in　harmony　with　



the　New　Theology　and　get　full　advantage　of　modern　methods　of　Gospel　



interpretation　they　had　deemed　it　advisable　to　make　a　change。　　They　



had　therefore　sent　a　call　to　Brother　Jowjeetum…Fallal；　the　World…



Renowned　Hindoo　Human　Pin…Wheel；　then　holding　forth　in　Hoopitup's　





circus。　　They　were　happy　to　say　that　the　reverend　gentleman　had　



been　moved　by　the　Spirit　to　accept　the　call；　and　on　the　ensuing　



Sabbath　would　break　the　bread　of　life　for　the　brethren　or　break　his　



neck　in　the　attempt。















The　Man　and　the　Lightning















A　MAN　Running　for　Office　was　overtaken　by　Lightning。







〃You　see；〃　said　the　Lightning；　as　it　crept　past　him　inch　by　inch；　



〃I　can　travel　considerably　faster　than　you。〃







〃Yes；〃　the　Man　Running　for　Office　replied；　〃but　think　how　much　



longer　I　keep　going！〃















The　Lassoed　Bear















A　HUNTER　who　had　lassoed　a　Bear　was　trying　to　disengage　himself　



from　the　rope；　but　the　slip…knot　about　his　wrist　would　not　yield；　



for　the　Bear　was　all　the　time　pulling　in　the　slack　with　his　paws。　　



In　the　midst　of　his　trouble　the　Hunter　saw　a　Showman　passing　by；　



and　managed　to　attract　his　attention。







〃What　will　you　give　me；〃　he　said；　〃for　my　Bear？〃







〃It　will　be　some　five　or　ten　minutes；〃　said　the　Showman；　〃before　I　



shall　want　a　fresh　Bear；　and　it　looks　to　me　as　if　prices　would　fall　



during　that　time。　　I　think　I'll　wait　and　watch　the　market。〃







〃The　price　of　this　animal；〃　the　Hunter　replied；　〃is　down　to　bed…



rock；　you　can　have　him　for　nothing　a　pound；　spot　cash；　and　I'll　



throw　in　the　next　one　that　I　lasso。　　But　the　purchaser　must　remove　



the　goods　from　the　premises　forthwith；　to　make　room　for　three　man…



eating　tigers；　a　cat…headed　gorilla；　and　an　armful　of　



rattlesnakes。〃







But　the　Showman　passed　on；　in　maiden　meditation；　fancy　free；　and　



being　joined　soon　afterward　by　the　Bear；　who　was　absently　picking　



his　teeth；　it　was　inferred　that　they　were　not　unacquainted。















The　Ineffective　Rooter















A　DRUNKEN　Man　was　lying　in　the　road　with　a　bleeding　nose；　upon　



which　he　had　fallen；　when　a　Pig　passed　that　way。







〃You　wallow　fairly　well；〃　said　the　Pig；　〃but；　my　fine　fellow；　you　



have　much　to　learn　about　rooting。〃















A　Protagonist　of　Silver















SOME　Financiers　who　were　whetting　their　tongues　on　their　teeth　



because　the　Government　had　〃struck　down〃　silver；　and　were　about　to　



〃inaugurate〃　a　season　of　sweatshed；　were　addressed　as　follows　by　a　



Member　of　their　honourable　and　warlike　body：







〃Comrades　of　the　thunder　and　companions　of　death；　I　cannot　but　



regard　it　as　singularly　fortunate　that　we　who　by　conviction　and　



sympathy　are　designated　by　nature　as　the　champions　of　that　fairest　



of　her　products；　the　white　metal；　should　also；　by　a　happy　chance；　



be　engaged　mostly　in　the　business　of　mining　it。　　Nothing　could　be　



more　appropriate　than　that　those　who　from　unselfish　motives　and　



elevated　sentiments　are　doing　battle　for　the　people's　rights　and　



interests；　should　themselves　be　the　chief　beneficiaries　of　success。　　



Therefore；　O　children　of　the　earthquake　and　the　storm；　let　us　stand　



shoulder　to　shoulder；　heart　to　heart；　and　pocket　to　pocket！〃







This　speech　so　pleased　the　other　Members　of　the　convention　that；　



actuated　by　a　magnanimous　impulse；　they　sprang　to　their　feet　and　



left　the　hall。　　It　was　the　first　time　they　had　ever　been　known　to　



leave　anything　having　value。















The　Holy　Deacon















AN　Itinerant　Preacher　who　had　wrought　hard　in　the　moral　vineyard　



for　several　hours　whispered　to　a　Holy　Deacon　of　the　local　church：







〃Brother；　these　people　know　you；　and　your　active　support　will　bear　



fruit　abundantly。　　Please　pass　the　plate　for　me；　and　you　shall　have　



one　fourth。〃







The　Holy　Deacon　did　so；　and　putting　the　money　into　his　pocket　



waited　till　the　congregation　was　dismissed　and　said　goodnight。







〃But　the　money；　brother；　the　money　that　you　collected！〃　said　the　



Itinerant　Preacher。







〃Nothing　is　coming　to　you；〃　was　the　reply；　〃the　Adversary　has　



hardened　their　hearts；　and　one　fourth　is　all　they　gave。〃















A　Hasty　Settlement















〃YOUR　Honour；〃　said　an　Attorney；　rising；　〃what　is　the　present　



status　of　this　case　…　as　far　as　it　has　gone？〃







〃I　have　given　a　judgment　for　the　residuary　legatee　under　the　will；〃　



said　the　Court；　〃put　the　costs　upon　the　contestants；　decided　all　



questions　relating　to　fees　and　other　charges；　and；　in　short；　the　



estate　in　litigation　has　been　settled；　with　all　controversies；　



disputes；　misunderstandings；　and　differences　of　opinion　thereunto　



appertaining。〃







〃Ah；　yes；　I　see；〃　said　the　Attorney；　thoughtfully；　〃we　are　making　



progress　…　we　are　getting　on　famously。〃







〃Progress？〃　echoed　the　Judge　…　〃progress？　　Why；　sir；　the　matter　is　



concluded！〃







〃Exactly；　exactly；　it　had　to　be　concluded　in　order　to　give　



relevancy　to　the　motion　that　I　am　about　to　make。　　Your　Honour；　I　



move　that　the　judgment　of　the　Court　be　set　aside　and　the　case　



reopened。〃







〃Upon　what　ground；　sir？〃　the　Judge　asked　in　surprise。







〃Upon　the　ground；〃　said　the　Attorney；　〃that　after　paying　all　fees　



and　expenses　of　litigation　and　all　charges　against　the　estate　there　



will　still　be　something　left。〃







〃There　may　have　been　an　error；〃　said　His　Honour；　thoughtfully　…　



〃the　Court　may　have　underestimated　the　value　of　the　estate。　　The　



motion　is　taken　under　advisement。〃















The　Wooden　Guns















AN　Artillery　Regiment　of　a　State　Militia　applied　to　the　Governor　



for　wooden　guns　to　practise　with。







〃Those；〃　they　explained；　〃will　be　cheaper　than　real　ones。〃







〃It　shall　not　be　said　that　I　sacrificed　efficiency　to　economy；〃　



said　the　Governor。　　〃You　shall　have　real　guns。〃







〃Thank　you；　thank　you；〃　cried　the　warriors；　effusively。　　〃We　will　



take　good　care　of　them；　and　in　the　event　of　war　return　them　to　the　



arsenal。〃















The　Reform　School　Board















THE　members　of　the　School　Board　in　Doosnoswair　being　suspected　of　



appointing　female　teachers　for　an　improper　consideration；　the　



people　elected　a　Board　composed　wholly　of　women。　　In　a　few　years　



the　scandal　was　at　an　end；　there　were　no　female　teachers　in　the　



Department。















The　Poet's　Doom















AN　Object　was　walking　along　the　King's　highway　wrapped　in　



meditation　and　with　little　else　on；　when　he　suddenly　found　himself　



at　the　gates　of　a　strange　city。　　On　applying　for　admittance；　he　was　



arrested　as　a　necessitator　of　ordinances；　and　taken　before　the　



King。







〃Who　are　you；〃　said　the　King；　〃and　what　is　your　business　in　life？〃







〃Snouter　the　Sneak；〃　replied　the　Object；　with　ready　invention；　



〃pick…pocket。〃







The　King　was　about　to　command　him　to　be　released　when　the　Prime　



Minister　suggested　that　the　prisoner's　fingers　be　examined。　　They　



were　found　greatly　flattened　and　calloused　at　the　ends。







〃Ha！〃　cried　the　King；　〃I　told　you　so！　…　he　is　addicted　to　counting　



syllables。　　This　is　a　poet。　　Turn　him　over　to　the　Lord　High　



Dissuader　from　the　Head　Habit。〃







〃My　liege；〃　said　the　Inventor…in…Ordinary　of　Ingenious　Penalties；　



〃I　venture　to　suggest　a　keener　affliction。







〃Name　it；〃　the　King　said。







〃Let　him　retain　that　head！〃







It　was　so　ordered。















The　Noser　and　the　Note















THE　Head　Rifler　of　an　insolvent　bank；　learning　that　it　was　about　to　



be　visited　by　the　official　Noser　into　Things；　placed　his　own　



personal　note　for　a　large　amount　among　its　resources；　and；　gaily　



touching　his　guitar；　awaited　the　inspection。　　When　the　Noser　came　



to　the　note　he　asked；　〃What's　this？〃







〃That；〃　said　the　Assistant　Pocketer　of　Deposits；　〃is　one　of　our　



liabilities。〃







〃A　liability？〃　exclaimed　the　Noser。　　〃Nay；　nay；　an　asset。　　That　is　



what　you　mean；　doubtless。〃







〃Therein　you　err；〃　the　Pocketer　explained；　〃that　note　was　written　



in　the　bank　with　our　own　pen；　ink；　and　paper；　and　we　have　not　paid　



a　stationery　bill　for　six　months。〃







〃Ah；　I　see；〃　the　Noser　said；　thoughtfully；　〃it　is　a　liability。　　May　



I　ask　how　you　expect　to　meet　it？〃







〃With　fortitude；　please　God；〃　answered　the　Assistant　Pocketer；　his　



eyes　to　Heaven　raising　…　〃with　fortitude　and　a　firm　reliance　on　the　



laxity　of　the　law。〃







〃Enough；　enough；〃　exclaimed　the　faithful　servant　of　the　State；　



choking　with　emotion；　〃here　is　a　certificate　of　solvency。〃







〃And　here　is　a　bottle　of　ink；〃　the　grateful　financier　said；　



slipping　it　into　the　other's　pocket；　〃it　is　all　that　we　have。〃















The　Cat　and　the　King















A　CAT　was　looking　at　a　King；　as　permitted　by　the　proverb。







〃Well；〃　said　the　monarch；　observing　her　inspection　of　the　royal　



person；　〃how　do　you　like　me？〃







〃I　can　imagine　a　King；〃　said　the　Cat；　〃whom　I　should　like　better。〃







〃For　example？〃







〃The　King　of　the　Mice。〃







The　sovereign　was　so　pleased　with　the　wit　of　the　reply　that　he　gave　



her　permission　to　scratch　his　Prime　Minister's　eyes　out。















The　Literary　Astronomer















THE　Director　of　an　Observatory；　who；　with　a　thirty…six…inch　



refractor；　had　discovered　the　moon；　hastened　to　an　Editor；　with　a　



four…column　account　of　the　event。







〃How　much？〃　said　the　Editor；　sententiously；　without　looking　up　from　



his　essay　on　the　circularity　of　the　political　horizon。







〃One　hundred　and　sixty　dollars；〃　replied　the　man　who　had　discover