fantastic fables-第2章
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〃Search this man；〃 he said； 〃and report how many pockets he has。〃
〃Forty…three； Sire；〃 said the Great Head Factotum； completing the
scrutiny。
〃May it please your Majesty；〃 cried the Ingenious Patriot； in
terror； 〃one of them contains tobacco。〃
〃Hold him up by the ankles and shake him；〃 said the King； 〃then
give him a check for forty…two million tumtums and put him to
death。 Let a decree issue declaring ingenuity a capital offence。〃
Two Kings
THE King of Madagao； being engaged in a dispute with the King of
Bornegascar； wrote him as follows：
〃Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of
your Minister from my capital。〃
Greatly enraged by this impossible demand； the King of Bornegascar
replied：
〃I shall not recall my Minister。 Moreover； if you do not
immediately retract your demand I shall withdraw him！〃
This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that in hastening to
comply he fell over his own feet； breaking the Third Commandment。
An Officer and a Thug
A CHIEF of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very
indignant； and said he must not do so any more on pain of
dismissal。
〃Don't be too hard on me；〃 said the Officer； smiling； 〃I was
beating him with a stuffed club。〃
〃Nevertheless；〃 persisted the Chief of Police； 〃it was a liberty
that must have been very disagreeable； though it may not have hurt。
Please do not repeat it。〃
〃But；〃 said the Officer； still smiling； 〃it was a stuffed Thug。〃
In attempting to express his gratification； the Chief of Police
thrust out his right hand with such violence that his skin was
ruptured at the arm…pit and a stream of sawdust poured from the
wound。 He was a stuffed Chief of Police。
The Conscientious Official
WHILE a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely
to his business of placing obstructions on the track and tampering
with the switches he received word that the President of the road
was about to discharge him for incompetency。
〃Good Heavens！〃 he cried； 〃there are more accidents on my division
than on all the rest of the line。〃
〃The President is very particular；〃 said the Man who brought him
the news； 〃he thinks the same loss of life might be effected with
less damage to the company's property。〃
〃Does he expect me to shoot passengers through the car windows？〃
exclaimed the indignant official； spiking a loose tie across the
rails。 〃Does he take me for an assassin？〃
How Leisure Came
A MAN to Whom Time Was Money； and who was bolting his breakfast in
order to catch a train； had leaned his newspaper against the sugar…
bowl and was reading as he ate。 In his haste and abstraction he
stuck a pickle…fork into his right eye； and on removing the fork
the eye came with it。 In buying spectacles the needless outlay for
the right lens soon reduced him to poverty； and the Man to Whom
Time Was Money had to sustain life by fishing from the end of a
wharf。
The Moral Sentiment
A PUGILIST met the Moral Sentiment of the Community； who was
carrying a hat…box。 〃What have you in the hat…box； my friend？〃
inquired the Pugilist。
〃A new frown；〃 was the answer。 〃I am bringing it from the frownery
… the one over there with the gilded steeple。〃
〃And what are you going to do with the nice new frown？〃 the
Pugilist asked。
〃Put down pugilism … if I have to wear it night and day；〃 said the
Moral Sentiment of the Community； sternly。
〃That's right；〃 said the Pugilist； 〃that is right； my good friend；
if pugilism had been put down yesterday； I wouldn't have this kind
of Nose to…day。 I had a rattling hot fight last evening with … 〃
〃Is that so？〃 cried the Moral Sentiment of the Community； with
sudden animation。 〃Which licked？ Sit down here on the hat…box and
tell me all about it！〃
The Politicians
AN Old Politician and a Young Politician were travelling through a
beautiful country； by the dusty highway which leads to the City of
Prosperous Obscurity。 Lured by the flowers and the shade and
charmed by the songs of birds which invited to woodland paths and
green fields； his imagination fired by glimpses of golden domes and
glittering palaces in the distance on either hand； the Young
Politician said：
〃Let us； I beseech thee； turn aside from this comfortless road
leading； thou knowest whither； but not I。 Let us turn our backs
upon duty and abandon ourselves to the delights and advantages
which beckon from every grove and call to us from every shining
hill。 Let us； if so thou wilt； follow this beautiful path； which；
as thou seest； hath a guide…board saying； 'Turn in here all ye who
seek the Palace of Political Distinction。'〃
〃It is a beautiful path； my son；〃 said the Old Politician； without
either slackening his pace or turning his head； 〃and it leadeth
among pleasant scenes。 But the search for the Palace of Political
Distinction is beset with one mighty peril。〃
〃What is that？〃 said the Young Politician。
〃The peril of finding it；〃 the Old Politician replied； pushing on。
The Thoughtful Warden
THE Warden of a Penitentiary was one day putting locks on the doors
of all the cells when a mechanic said to him：
〃Those locks can all be opened from the inside … you are very
imprudent。〃
The Warden did not look up from his work； but said：
〃If that is called imprudence； I wonder what would be called a
thoughtful provision against the vicissitudes of fortune。〃
The Treasury and the Arms
A PUBLIC Treasury； feeling Two Arms lifting out its contents；
exclaimed：
〃Mr。 Shareman； I move for a division。〃
〃You seem to know something about parliamentary forms of speech；〃
said the Two Arms。
〃Yes；〃 replied the Public Treasury； 〃I am familiar with the hauls
of legislation。〃
The Christian Serpent
A RATTLESNAKE came home to his brood and said： 〃My children； gather
about and receive your father's last blessing； and see how a
Christian dies。〃
〃What ails you； Father？〃 asked the Small Snakes。
〃I have been bitten by the editor of a partisan journal；〃 was the
reply； accompanied by the ominous death…rattle。
The Broom of the Temple
THE city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capital of
the province of Ukwuk； the Wampog issued a proclamation convening
all the male residents in council in the Temple of Ul to devise
means of defence。 The first speaker thought the best policy would
be to offer a fried jackass to the gods。 The second suggested a
public procession； headed by the Wampog himself； bearing the Holy
Poker on a cushion of cloth…of…brass。 Another thought that a
scarlet mole should be buried alive in the public park and a
suitable incantation chanted over the remains。 The advice of the
fourth was that the columns of the capitol be rubbed with oil of
dog by a person having a moustache on the calf of his leg。 When
all the others had spoken an Aged Man rose and said：
〃High and mighty Wampog and fellow…citizens； I have listened
attentively to all the plans proposed。 All seem wise； and I do not
suffer myself to doubt that any one of them would be efficacious。
Nevertheless； I cannot help thinking that if we would put an
improved breed of polliwogs in our drinking water； construct
shallower roadways； groom the street cows； offer the stranger
within our gates a free choice between the poniard and the potion；
and relinquish our private system of morals； the other measures of
public safety would be needless。〃
The Aged Man was about to speak further； but the meeting informally
adjourned in order to sweep the floor of the temple … for the men
of Gakwak are the tidiest housewives in all that province。 The
last speaker was the broom。
The Critics
WHILE bathing； Antinous was seen by Minerva； who was so enamoured
of his beauty that； all armed as she happened to be； she descended
from Olympus to woo him； but； unluckily displaying her shield； with
the head of Medusa on it； she had the unhappiness to see the
beautiful mortal turn to stone from catching a glimpse of it。 She
straightway ascended to ask Jove to restore him； but before this
could be done a Sculptor and a Critic passed that way and espied
him。
〃This is a very bad Apollo；〃 said the Sculptor： 〃the chest is too
narrow； and one arm is at least a half…inch shorter than the other。
The attitude is unnatural； and I may say impossible。 Ah！ my
friend； you should see my statue of Antinous。〃
〃In my judgment； the figure；〃 said the Critic； 〃is tolerably good；
though rather Etrurian； but the expression of the face is decidedly
Tuscan； and therefore false to nature。 By the way； have you read
my work on 'The Fallaciousness of the Aspectual in Art'？〃
The Foolish Woman
A MARRIED Woman； whose lover was about to reform by running away；
procured a pistol and shot him dead。
〃Why did you do that； Madam？〃 inquired a Policeman； sauntering by。
〃Because；〃 replied the Married Woman； 〃he was a wicked man； and had
purchased a ticket to Chicago。〃
〃My sister；〃 said an adjacent Man of God； solemnly； 〃you cannot
stop the wicked from going to Chicago by killing them。〃
Father and Son
〃MY boy；〃 said an aged Father to his fiery and disobedient Son； 〃a
hot temper is the soil of remorse。 Promise me that when next you
are angry you will count one hundred before you move or speak。〃
No sooner had the Son promised than he received a stinging blow
from the paternal walking…stick； and by the time he had counted to
seventy…five had the unhappiness to see the old man jump into a
waiting cab and whirl away。
The Discontented Malefactor
A JUDGE having sentenced a Malefactor to the penitentiary was
proceeding to point out to him the disadvantages of crime and the
profit of reformation。
〃Your Honour；〃 said the Malefactor； interrupting； 〃would you be
kind enough to alter my punishment to ten yea
