poor miss finch-第70章

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and　night；　at　least；　at　Ramsgate。

You　now　know；　from　the　narrative　of　the　surgeon's　own　proceedings；　how
seriously　he　thought　of　his　patient's　case；　and　how　firmly　he　did　his
duty　as　a　professional　man。　Having　given　you　this　necessary　information；
I　again　retire；　and　leave　Lucilla　to　take　up　the　next　link　in　the　chain
of　events。P。＇

_September_　5th。　_Six　o'clock　in　the　morning。_A　few　hours　of　restless；
broken　sleepdisturbed　by　horrid　dreams；　and　waking　over　and　over　again
with　startings　that　seemed　to　shake　me　from　head　to　foot。　I　can　bear　it
no　longer。　The　sun　is　rising。　I　have　got　upand　here　I　am　at　the
writing…table；　trying　to　finish　the　long　story　of　yesterday　still
uncompleted　in　my　Journal。

I　have　just　been　looking　at　the　view　from　my　windowand　I　notice　one
thing　which　has　struck　me。　The　mist　this　morning　is　the　thickest　mist　I
have　yet　seen　here。

The　sea…view　is　almost　invisible；　it　is　so　dim　and　dull。　Even　the　objects
about　me　in　my　room　are　nothing　like　so　plain　as　usual。　The　mist　is
stealing　in　no　doubt　through　my　open　window。　It　gets　between　me　and　my
paper；　and　obliges　me　to　bend　down　close　over　the　page　to　see　what　I　am
about。　When　the　sun　is　higher；　things　will　be　clear　again。　In　the
meantime；　I　must　do　as　well　as　I　can。

Grosse　came　back　after　his　walk　as　mysterious　as　ever。

He　was　quite　peremptory　in　ordering　me　not　to　overtask　my
eyesforbidding　reading　and　writing；　as　I　have　already　mentioned。　But；
when　I　asked　for　his　reasons；　he　had；　for　the　first　time　in　my　experience
of　him；　no　reasons　to　give。　I　have　the　less　scruple　about　disobeying　him；
on　that　account。　Still　I　am　a　little　uneasy；　I　confess；　when　I　think　of
his　strange　behavior　yesterday。　He　looked　at　me；　in　the　oddest　wayas　if
he　saw　something　in　my　face　which　he　had　never　seen　before。　Twice　he　took
his　leave；　and　twice　he　returned；　doubtful　whether　he　would　not　remain　at
Ramsgate；　and　let　his　patients　in　London　take　care　of　themselves。　His
extraordinary　indecision　was　put　an　end　to　at　last　by　the　arrival　of　a
telegram　which　had　followed　him　from　London。　An　urgent　message；　I
suppose；　from　one　of　the　patients。　He　went　away　in　a　bad　temper　and　a
violent　hurry；　and　told　me；　at　the　door；　to　expect　him　back　on　the　sixth。

When　Oscar　came　later；　there　was　another　surprise　for　me。

Like　Grosse；　he　was　not　himselfhe　too　behaved　strangely！　First；　he　was
so　cold　and　so　silent；　that　I　thought　he　was　offended。　Then　he　went
straight　to　the　other　extreme；　and　became　so　loudly　talkative；　so
obstreperously　cheerful；　that　my　aunt　asked　me　privately　whether　I　did
not　suspect　（as　she　did）　that　he　had　been　taking　too　much　wine。　It　ended
in　his　trying　to　sing　to　my　accompaniment　on　the　piano；　and　in　his
breaking　down。　He　walked　away　to　the　other　end　of　the　room　without
explanation　or　apology。　When　I　followed　him　there　a　little　while　after；
he　had　a　look　that　indescribably　distressed　mea　look　as　if　he　had　been
crying。　Towards　the　end　of　the　evening；　my　aunt　fell　asleep　over　her
book；　and　gave　us　a　chance　of　speaking　to　each　other　in　a　little　second
room　which　opens　out　of　the　drawing…room　in　this　house。　It　was　I　who　took
the　chancenot　he。　He　was　so　incomprehensibly　unwilling　to　go　into　the
room　and　speak　to　me；　that　I　had　to　do　a　very　unladylike　thing。　I　mean
that　I　had　to　take　his　arm；　and　lead　him　in　myself；　and　entreat　him　（in　a
whisper）　to　tell　me　what　was　the　matter　with　him。

〃Only　the　old　complaint；〃　he　answered。

I　made　him　sit　down　by　me　on　a　little　couch　that　just　held　two。

〃What　do　you　mean　by　the　old　complaint？〃　I　asked。

〃Oh！　you　know！〃

〃I　_don't_　know。〃

〃You　would　know　if　you　really　loved　me。〃

〃Oscar！　it　is　a　shame　to　say　that。　It　is　a　shame　to　doubt　that　I　love
you！〃

〃Is　it？　Ever　since　I　have　been　here；　I　have　doubted　that　you　love　me。　It
is　getting　to　be　an　old　complaint　of　mine　now。　I　still　suffer　a　little
sometimes。　Don't　notice　it！〃

He　was　so　cruel　and　so　unjust；　that　I　got　up　to　leave　him；　without　saying
a　word　more。　But；　oh！　he　looked　so　forlorn　and　so　submissivesitting
with　his　head　down；　and　his　hands　crossed　listlessly　over　his　kneesthat
I　could　not　find　it　in　my　heart　to　treat　him　harshly。　Was　I　wrong？　I
don't　know！　I　have　no　idea　how　to　manage　menand　no　Madame　Pratolungo
now　to　teach　me。　Right　or　wrong；　it　ended　in　my　sitting　down　by　him　again
in　the　place　which　I　had　just　left。

〃You　ought　to　beg　my　pardon；〃　I　said；　〃for　thinking　of　me　as　you　think；
and　talking　to　me　as　you　talk。〃

〃I　do　beg　your　pardon；〃　he　answered　humbly。　〃I　am　sorry　if　I　have
offended　you。〃

How　could　I　resist　that？　I　put　my　hand　on　his　shoulder；　and　tried　to　make
him　lift　up　his　head　and　look　at　me。

〃You　will　always　believe　in　me　in　the　future？〃　I　went　on。　〃Promise　me
that。〃

〃I　can　promise　to　try；　Lucilla。　As　things　are　now　I　can　promise　no　more。〃

〃As　things　are　now？　You　are　speaking　in　riddles　to…night。　Explain
yourself。〃

〃I　explained　myself　this　morning　on　the　pier。〃

Surely；　this　was　hard　on　meafter　he　had　promised　to　give　me　till　the
end　of　the　week　to　consider　his　proposal？　I　took　my　hand　off　his
shoulder。　Hewho　never　used　to　displease　or　disappoint　me　when　I　was
blindhad　displeased　and　disappointed　me　for　the　second　time　in　a　few
minutes！

〃Do　you　wish　to　force　me？〃　I　asked；　〃after　telling　me　this　morning　that
you　would　give　me　time　to　reflect？〃

He　rose；　on　his　sidelanguidly　and　mechanically；　like　a　man　who　neither
knew　nor　cared　what　he　was　doing。

〃Force　you？〃　he　repeated。　〃Did　I　say　that？　I　don't　know　what　I　am　talking
about；　I　don't　know　what　I　am　doing。　You　are　right　and　I　am　wrong。　I　am　a
miserable　wretch；　LucillaI　am　utterly　unworthy　of　you。　It　would　be
better　for　you　if　you　never　saw　me　again！〃　He　paused；　and　taking　me　by
both　hands；　looked　earnestly　and　sadly　into　my　face。　〃Good　night；　my
dear！〃　he　saidand　suddenly　dropped　my　hands；　and　turned　away　to　go　out。

I　stopped　him。　〃Going　already？〃　I　said。　〃It　is　not　late　yet。

〃It　is　best　for　me　to　go。〃

〃Why？〃

〃I　am　in　wretched　spirits。　It　is　better　for　me　to　be　by　myself。〃

〃Don't　say　that！　It　sounds　like　a　reproach　to　me。〃

〃On　the　contrary；　it　is　all　my　fault。　Good　night！〃

I　refused　to　say　good　nightI　refused　to　let　him　go。　His　wanting　to　go
was　in　itself　a　reproach　to　me。　He　had　never　done　it　before。　I　asked　him
to　sit　down　again。

He　shook　his　head。

〃For　ten　minutes！〃

He　shook　his　head　again。

〃For　five　minutes！〃

Instead　of　answering；　he　gently　lifted　a　long　lock　of　my　hair；　which　hung
at　the　side　of　my　neck。　（My　head；　I　should　add；　had　been　dressed　that
evening　on　the　old…fashioned　plan；　by　my　aunt's　maidto　please　my　aunt。）

〃If　I　stay　for　five　minutes　longer；〃　he　said；　〃I　shall　ask　for
something。〃

〃For　what？〃

〃You　have　beautiful　hair；　Lucilla。〃

〃You　can't　want　a　lock　of　my　hair；　surely？〃

〃Why　not？〃

〃I　gave　you　a　keepsake　of　that　sortages　ago。　Have　you　forgotten　it？〃

＇Note。The　keepsake　had　of　course　been　given　to　the　true　Oscar；　and　was
then；　as　it　is　now；　still　in　his　possession。　Notice；　when　he　recovers
himself；　how　quickly　the　false　Oscar　infers　this；　and　how　cleverly　he
founds　his　excuse　upon　it。P。＇

His　face　flushed　deep；　his　eyes　dropped　before　mine。　I　could　see　that　he
was　ashamed　of　himselfI　could　only　conclude　that　he　_had_　forgotten　it！
A　morsel　of　_his_　hair　was；　at　that　moment；　in　a　locket　which　I　wore
round　my　neck。　I　had　more　I　think；　to　doubt　him　than　he　had　to　doubt　me。
I　was　so　mortified　that　I　stepped　aside；　and　made　way　for　him　to　go　out。

〃You　wish　to　go　away；〃　I　said；　〃I　won't　keep　you　any　longer。

It　was　his　turn　now　to　plead　with　_me。_

〃Suppose　I　have　been　deprived　of　your　keepsake？〃　he　said。　〃Suppose
somebody　whom　I　would　rather　not　mention；　has　taken　it　away　from　me？〃

I　instantly　understood　him。　His　miserable　brother　had　taken　it。　My
work…basket　was　close　by。　I　cut　off　a　lock　of　my　hair；　and　tied　it　at
each　end　with　a　morsel　of　my　favorite　light…blue　ribbon。

〃Are　we　friends　again；　Oscar？〃　was　all　I　said　as　I　put　it　into　his　hand。

He　caught　me　in　his　arms　in　a　kind　of　frenzyholding　me　to　him　so
violently　that　he　hurt　me；　kissing　me　so　fiercely　that　he　frightened　me。
Before　I　had　recovered　breath　enough　to　speak　to　him；　he　had　released　me；
and　had　gone　out　in　such　headlong　haste　that　he　knocked　down　a　little
round　table　with　books　on　it；　and　woke　my　aunt。

The　old　lady　called　for　me　in　her　most　formidable　voice；　and　showed　me
the　family　temper　in　its　sourest　aspect。　Grosse　had　gone　back　to　London
without　making　any　apology　to　her；　and　Oscar　had　knocked　down　her　books。
The　indignation　aroused　by　these　two　outrages　called　loudly　for　a
victimand　（no　one　else　being　near　at　the　moment）　selected　Me。　Miss
Batchford　discovered　for　the　first　time　that　she　had　undertaken　too　much
in　assuming　the　sole　charge　of　her　niece　at　Ramsgate。

〃I　decline　to　accept　the　entire　responsibility；〃　said　my　aunt。　〃At　my
age；　the　entire　responsibility　is　too　much　for　me。　I　shall　write　to　your
father；　Lucilla。　I　always　did；　and　always　shall；　detest　him；　as　you　know。
His　views　on　politics　and　religion　are　（in　a　clergyman）　simply
detestable。　Still　he　is　your　father；　and　it　is　a　duty　on　my　part；　after
what　that　rude　foreigner　has　said　about　your　health；　to　offer　to　restore
you　to　your　father's　roofor；　at　least；　to　obtain　your　father's　sanction
to　your　continuing　to　remain　under　my　care。　This　course；　in　either　case
you　will　observe；　relieves　me　from　the　entire　responsibility。　I　am　doing
nothing　to　compromise　my　position。　My　position　is　quite　plain　to　me。　I
should　have　formally　accepted　your　father's　hospitality　on　the　occasion
of　your　weddingif　I　had　been　well　enough　and　if　the　wedding　had　taken
place。　It　follows　as　a　matter　of　course　that　I　may　formally　report　to
your　father　what　the　medical　opinion　is　of　your　health。　However　brutally
it　may　have　been　given；　it　is　a　medical　opinionand　as　such　I　am　bound
to　communicate　it。

Knowing　but　too　well　how　bitterly　my　aunt's　aversion　to　him　is
reciprocated　by　my　father；　I　did　my　best　to　combat　Miss　Batchford's
resolutionwithout　making　matters　worse　by　telling　her　what　my　motives
really　were。　With　some　difficulty　I　prevailed　on　her　to　defer　the
proposed　report　of　me　for　a　day　or　twoand　we　parted　for　the　night　（the
old　lady's　fits　of　temper　are　soon　over）　as　good　friends　as　usual。

This　little　episode　in　my　narrative　of　events　diverted　my　mind　for　the
time　from　Oscar's　strange　conduct　yesterday　evening。　But　once　up　here　by
myself　in　my　own　room；　I　have　been　thinking　of　it；　or　dreaming　of　it
（such　horrid　dreamsI　cannot　write　them　down！）　almost　incessantly　from
that　time　to　this。　When　we　meet　again　to…dayhow　will　he　look？　what　will
he　say？

He　was　right　yesterday。　I　_am_　cold　to　him；　there　is　some　change　in　me
towards　him；　which　I　don't　understand　myself。　My　conscience　accuses　me；
now　I　am　aloneand　yet；　God　knows；　it　is　not　my　fault。　Poor　Oscar！　Poor
me！　I　have　never　longed　to　see　himsince　we　met　at　this　placeas　I　long
now。　He　sometimes　comes　to　breakfast。　Will　he　come　to　breakfast　to…day？
Oh；　how　my　eyes　ache！　and　how　obstinately　the　mist　stops　in　the　room！
Suppose　I　close　the　window；　and　go　back　to　bed　again　for　a　little　while？

_N