the legacy of cain-第25章

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humiliating　to　let　_you_　see　an　honest　woman　in　tears。　Your
sister　has　a　spirit　of　her　own；　thank　God！　She　won't　inhabit　the
same　room　with　you；　she　never　desires　to　see　your　false　face
again。　I　take　the　poor　soul's　dresses　and　things　awayand　as　a
religious　person　I　wait；　confidently　wait；　for　the　judgment　that
will　fall　on　you！〃

She　caught　up　the　dresses　all　together；　some　of　them　were　in　her
arms；　some　of　them　fell　on　her　shoulders；　and　one　of　them　towered
over　her　head。　Smothered　in　gowns；　she　bounced　out　of　the　room
like　a　walking　milliner's　shop。　I　have　to　thank　the　wretched　old
creature　for　a　moment　of　genuine　amusement；　at　a　time　of
devouring　anxiety。　The　meanest　insect；　they　say；　has　its　use　in
this　worldand　why　not　Miss　Jillgall？

In　half　an　hour　more；　an　unexpected　event　raised　my　spirits。　I
heard　from　Philip。

On　his　return　to　the　hotel　he　had　found　a　telegram　waiting　for
him。　Mr。　Dunboyne　the　elder　had　arrived　in　London；　and　Philip　had
arranged　to　join　his　father　by　the　next　train。　He　sent　me　the
address；　and　begged　that　I　would　write　and　tell　him　my　news　from
home　by　the　next　day's　post。

Welcome；　thrice　welcome；　to　Mr。　Dunboyne　the　elder！　If　Philip　can
manage；　under　my　advice；　to　place　me　favorably　in　the　estimation
of　this　rich　old　man；　his　presence　and　authority　may　do　for　us
what　we　cannot　do　for　ourselves。　Here　is　surely　an　influence　to
which　my　father　must　submit；　no　matter　how　unreasonable　or　how
angry　he　may　be　when　he　hears　what　has　happened。　I　begin　already
to　feel　hopeful　of　the　future。


CHAPTER　XXX。

EUNICE'S　DIARY。


THROUGH　the　day；　and　through　the　night；　I　feel　a　misery　that
never　leaves　meI　mean　the　misery　of　fear。

I　am　trying　to　find　out　some　harmless　means　of　employing　myself；
which　will　keep　evil　remembrances　from　me。　If　I　don't　succeed；　my
fear　tells　me　what　will　happen。　I　shall　be　in　danger　of　going
mad。

I　dare　not　confide　in　any　living　creature。　I　don't　know　what
other　persons　might　think　of　me；　or　how　soon　I　might　find　myself
perhaps　in　an　asylum。　In　this　helpless　condition；　doubt　and
fright　seem　to　be　driving　me　back　to　my　Journal。　I　wonder　whether
I　shall　find　harmless　employment　here。

I　have　heard　of　old　people　losing　their　memories。　What　would　I
not　give　to　be　old！　I　remember！　oh；　how　I　remember！　One　day　after
another　I　see　Philip；　I　see　Helena；　as　I　first　saw　them　when　I
was　among　the　trees　in　the　park。　My　sweetheart's　arms；　that　once
held　me；　hold　my　sister　now。　She　kisses　him；　kisses　him；　kisses
him。

Is　there　no　way　of　making　myself　see　something　else？　I　want　to
get　back　to　remembrances　that　don't　burn　in　my　head　and　tear　at
my　heart。　How　is　it　to　be　done？

I　have　tried　booksno！　I　have　tried　going　out　to　look　at　the
shopsno！　I　have　tried　saying　my　prayersno！　And　now　I　am
making　my　last　effort；　trying　my　pen。　My　black　letters　fall　from
it；　and　take　their　places　on　the　white　paper。　Will　my　black
letters　help　me？　Where　can　I　find　something　consoling　to　write
down？　Where？　Where？

Selinapoor　Selina；　so　fond　of　me；　so　sorry　for　me。　When　I　was
happy；　she　was　happy；　too。　It　was　always　amusing　to　hear　her
talk。　Oh；　my　memory；　be　good　to　me！　Save　me　from　Philip　and
Helena。　I　want　to　remember　the　pleasant　days　when　my　kind　little
friend　and　I　used　to　gossip　in　the　garden。

No：　the　days　in　the　garden　won't　come　back。　What　else　can　I　think
of？

。　。　。　。　。　。　。

The　recollections　that　I　try　to　encourage　keep　away　from　me。　The
other　recollections　that　I　dread；　come　crowding　back。　Still
Philip！　Still　Helena！

But　Selina　mixes　herself　up　with　them。　Let　me　try　again　if　I　can
think　of　Selina。

How　delightfully　good　to　me　and　patient　with　me　she　was；　on　our
dismal　way　home　from　the　park！　And　how　affectionately　she　excused
herself　for　not　having　warned　me　of　it；　when　she　first　suspected
that　my　own　sister　and　my　worst　enemy　were　one　and　the　same！

〃I　know　I　was　wrong；　my　dear；　to　let　my　love　and　pity　close　my
lips。　But　remember　how　happy　you　were　at　the　time。　The　thought　of
making　you　miserable　was　more　than　I　could　endureI　am　so　fond
of　you！　Yes；　I　began　to　suspect　them；　on　the　day　when　they　first
met　at　the　station。　And；　I　am　afraid；　I　thought　it　just　likely
that　you　might　be　as　cunning　as　I　was；　and　have　noticed　them；
too。〃

Oh；　how　ignorant　she　must　have　been　of　my　true　thoughts　and
feelings！　How　strangely　people　seem　to　misunderstand　their
dearest　friends！　knowing；　as　I　did；　that　I　could　never　love　any
man　but　Philip；　could　I　be　wicked　enough　to　suppose　that　Philip
would　love　any　woman　but　me？

I　explained　to　Selina　how　he　had　spoken　to　me；　when　we　were
walking　together　on　the　bank　of　the　river。　Shall　I　ever　forget
those　exquisite　words？　〃I　wish　I　was　a　better　man；　Eunice；　I　wish
I　was　good　enough　to　be　worthy　of　you。〃　I　asked　Selina　if　she
thought　he　was　deceiving　me　when　he　said　that。　She　comforted　me
by　owning　that　he　must　have　been　in　earnest；　at　the　timeand
then　she　distressed　me　by　giving　the　reason　why。

〃My　love；　you　must　have　innocently　said　something　to　him；　when
you　and　he　were　alone；　which　touched　his　conscience　（when　he
_had_　a　conscience）；　and　made　him　ashamed　of　himself。　Ah；　you
were　too　fond　of　him　to　see　how　he　　changed　for　the　worse；　when　yo
ur　vile　sister　joined　you；　and　took　possession　of　him　again。　It
made　my　heart　ache　to　see　you　so　unsuspicious　of　them。　You　asked
me；　my　poor　dear；　if　they　had　quarreledyou　believed　they　were
tired　of　walking　by　the　river；　when　it　was　you　they　were　tired
ofand　you　wondered　why　Helena　took　him　to　see　the　school。　My
child！　she　was　the　leading　spirit　at　the　school；　and　you　were
nobody。　Her　vanity　saw　the　chance　of　making　him　compare　you　at　a
disadvantage　with　your　clever　sister。　I　declare；　Euneece；　I　lose
my　head　if　I　only　think　of　it！　All　the　strong　points　in　my
character　seem　to　slip　away　from　me。　Would　you　believe　it？I
have　neglected　that　sweet　infant　at　the　cottage；　I　have　even　let
Mrs。　Molly　have　her　baby　back　again。　If　I　had　the　making　of　the
laws；　Philip　Dunboyne　and　Helena　Gracedieu　should　be　hanged
together　on　the　same　gallows。　I　see　I　shock　you。　Don't　let　us
talk　of　it！　Oh；　don't　let　us　talk　of　it！〃

And　here　am　I　writing　of　it！　What　I　had　determined　not　to　do；　is
what　I　have　done。　Am　I　losing　my　senses　already？　The　very　names
that　I　was　most　anxious　to　keep　out　of　my　memory　stare　me　in　the
face　in　the　lines　that　I　have　just　written。　Philip　again！　Helena
again！

。　。　。　。　。　。　。

Another　day；　and　something　new　that　must　and　will　be　remembered；
shrink　from　it　as　I　may。　This　afternoon；　I　met　Helena　on　the
stairs。

She　stopped；　and　eyed　me　with　a　wicked　smile；　she　held　out　her
hand。　〃We　are　likely　to　meet　often；　while　we　are　in　the　same
house；〃　she　said；　〃hadn't　we　better　consult　appearances；　and
pretend　to　be　as　fond　of　each　other　as　ever？〃

I　took　no　notice　of　her　hand；　I　took　no　notice　of　her　shameless
proposal。　She　tried　again：　〃After　all；　it　isn't　my　fault　if
Philip　likes　me　better　than　he　likes　you。　Don't　you　see　that？〃　I
still　refused　to　speak　to　her。　She　still　persisted。　〃How　black
you　look；　Eunice！　Are　you　sorry　you　didn't　kill　me；　when　you　had
your　hands　on　my　throat？〃

I　said：　〃Yes。〃

She　laughed；　and　left　me。　I　was　obliged　to　sit　down　on　the
stairI　trembled　so。　My　own　reply　frightened　me。　I　tried　to　find
out　why　I　had　said　Yes。　I　don't　remember　being　conscious　of
meaning　anything。　It　was　as　if　somebody　else　had　said　Yesnot　I。
Perhaps　I　was　provoked；　and　the　word　escaped　me　before　I　could
stop　it。　Could　I　have　stopped　it？　I　don't　know。

。　。　。　。　。　。　。

Another　sleepless　night。

Did　I　pass　the　miserable　hours　in　writing　letters　to　Philip　and
then　tearing　them　up？　Or　did　I　only　fancy　that　I　wrote　to　him？　I
have　just　looked　at　the　fireplace。　The　torn　paper　in　it　tells　me
that　I　did　write。　Why　did　I　destroy　my　letters？　I　might　have　sent
one　of　them　to　Philip。　After　what　has　happened？　Oh；　no！　no！

Having　been　many　days　away　from　the　Girls'　Scripture　Class；　it
seemed　to　be　possible　that　going　back　to　the　school　and　the
teaching　might　help　me　to　escape　from　myself。

Nothing　succeeds　with　me。　I　found　it　impossible　to　instruct　the
girls　as　usual；　their　stupidity　soon　reached　the　limit　of　my
patiencesuffocated　me　with　rage。　One　of　them；　a　poor；　fat；
feeble　creature；　began　to　cry　when　I　scolded　her。　I　looked　with
envy　at　the　tears　rolling　over　her　big　round　cheeks。　If　I　could
only　cry；　I　might　perhaps　bear　my　hard　fate　with　submission。

I　walked　toward　home　by　a　roundabout　way；　feeling　as　if　want　of
sleep　was　killing　me　by　inches。

In　the　High　Street；　I　saw　Helena；　she　was　posting　a　letter；　and
was　not　aware　that　I　was　near　her。　Leaving　the　post…office；　she
crossed　the　street；　and　narrowly　escaped　being　run　over。　Suppose
the　threatened　accident　had　really　taken　placehow　should　I　have
felt；　if　it　had　ended　fatally？　What　a　fool　I　am　to　be　putting
questions　to　myself　about　things　that　have　not　happened！

The　walking　tired　me；　I　went　straight　home。

Before　I　could　ring　the　bell；　the　house　door　opened；　and　the
doctor　came　out。　He　stopped　to　speak　to　me。　While　I　had　been　away
（he　said）；　something　had　happened　at　home　（he　neither　knew　nor
wished　to　know　what）　which　had　thrown　my　father　into　a　state　of
violent　agitation。　The　doctor　had　administered　composing
medicine。　〃My　patient　is　asleep　now；〃　he　told　me；　〃but　remember
what　I　said　to　you　the　last　time　we　met；　a　longer　rest　than　any
doctor's　prescription　can　give　him　is　what　he　wants。　You　are　not
looking　well　yourself；　my　dear。　What　is　the　matter？〃

I　told　him　of　my　wretched　restless　nights；　and　asked　if　I　might
take　some　of　the　composing　medicine　which　he　had　given　to　my
father。　He　forbade　me　to　touch　a　drop　of　it。　〃What　is　physic　for
your　father；　you　foolish　child；　is　not　physic　for　a　young
creature　like　you；〃　he　said。　〃Count　a　thousand；　if　you　can't
sleep　to…night；　or　turn　your　pillow。　I　wish　you　pleasant　dreams。〃
He　went　away；　amused　at　his　own　humor。

I　found　Selina　waiting　to　speak　with　me；　on　the　subject　of　poor
papa。

She　had　been　startled　on　hearing　his　voice；　loud　in　anger。　In　the
fear　that　something　serious　had　happened；　she　left　her　room　to
make　inquiries；　and　saw　Helena　on　the　landing　of　the　flight　of
stairs　beneath；　leaving　the　study。　After　waiting　till　my　sister
was　out　of　the　way；　Selina　ventured　to　present　herself　at　the
study　door；　and　to　ask　if　she　could　be　of　any　use。　My　father；
walking　excitedly　up　and　down　the　room；　declared　that　both　his
daughters　had　behaved　infamously；　and　that　he　would　not　suffer
them　to　speak　to　him　again　until　they　had　come　to　their　senses；
on　the　subject　of　Mr。　Dunboyne。　He　would　enter　into　no　further
explanation；　and　he　had　ordered；　rather　than　requested；　Selina　to
leave　him。　Having　obeyed；　she　tried　next　to　find　me；　and　had　just
looked　into　the　dining…room　to　see　if　I　was　there；　when　she　was
frightened　by　the　sound　of　a　fall　in　the　room　abovethat　is　to
say；　in　the　study。　Running　upstairs　again；　she　had　found　him
insensible　on　the　floor　and　had　sent　for　the　doctor。

〃And　mind　this；〃　Selina　continued；　〃the　person　who　has　done　the
mischief　is　the　person　whom　I　saw　leaving　the　study。　What　your
unnatural　sister　said　to　provoke　her　father〃