the legacy of cain-第24章

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by　the　formidable　interruption　which　brought　our　talk　to　an　end。

But　among　other　things；　I　remember　that　I　showed　him　no　mercy　at
the　outset。　At　one　time　I　was　indignant；　at　another　I　was
scornful。　I　declared；　in　regard　to　my　object　in　meeting　him；　that
I　had　changed　my　mind；　And　had　decided　to　shorten　a　disagreeable
interview　by　waiving　my　right　to　an　explanation；　and　bidding　him
farewell。　Eunice；　as　I　pointed　out；　had　the　first　claim　to　him；
Eunice　was　much　more　likely　to　suit　him；　as　a　companion　for　life；
than　I　was。　〃In　short；〃　I　said；　in　conclusion；　〃my　inclination
for　once　takes　sides　with　my　duty；　and　leaves　my　sister　in
undisturbed　possession　of　young　Mr。　Dunboyne。〃　With　this
satirical　explanation；　I　rose　to　say　good…by。

I　had　merely　intended　to　irritate　him。　He　showed　a　superiority　to
anger　for　which　I　was　not　prepared。

〃Be　so　kind　as　to　sit　down　again；〃　he　said　quietly。

He　took　my　letter　from　his　pocket；　and　pointed　to　that　part　of　it
which　alluded　to　his　conduct；　when　we　had　met　in　my　father　's
study。

〃You　have　offered　me　the　opportunity　of　saying　a　word　in　my　own
defense；〃　he　went　on。　〃I　prize　that　privilege　far　too　highly　to
consent　to　your　withdrawing　it；　merely　because　you　have　changed
your　mind。　Let　me　at　least　tell　you　what　my　errand　was；　when　I
called　on　your　father。　Loving　you；　and　you　only；　I　had　forced
myself　to　make　a　last　effort　to　be　true　to　your　sister。　Remember
that；　Helena；　and　then　sayis　it　wonderful　if　I　was　beside
myself；　when　I　found　You　in　the　study？〃

〃When　you　tell　me　you　were　beside　yourself；〃　I　said；　〃do　you
mean；　ashamed　of　yourself？〃

That　touched　him。　〃I　mean　nothing　of　the　kind；〃　he　burst　out。
〃After　the　hell　on　earth　in　which　I　have　been　living　between　you
two　sisters；　a　man　hasn't　virtue　enough　left　in　him　to　be
ashamed。　He's　half　madthat's　what　he　is。　Look　at　my　position！　I
had　made　up　my　mind　never　to　see　you　again；　I　had　made　up　my　mind
（if　I　married　Eunice）　to　rid　myself　of　my　own　miserable　life　when
I　could　endure　it　no　longer。　In　that　state　of　feeling；　when　my
sense　of　duty　depended　on　my　speaking　with　Mr。　Gracedieu　alone；
whose　was　the　first　face　I　saw　when　I　entered　the　room？　If　I　had
dared　to　look　at　you；　or　to　speak　to　you；　what　do　you　think　would
have　become　of　my　resolution　to　sacrifice　myself？〃

〃What　has　become　of　it　now？〃　I　asked。

〃Tell　me　first　if　I　am　forgiven；〃　he　said　〃and　you　shall　know。〃

〃Do　you　deserve　to　be　forgiven？〃

It　has　been　discovered　by　wiser　heads　than　mine　that　weak　people
are　always　in　extremes。　So　far；　I　had　seen　Philip　in　the　vain　and
violent　extreme。　He　now　shifted　suddenly　to　the　sad　and
submissive　extreme。　When　I　asked　him　if　he　deserved　to　be
forgiven；　he　made　the　humblest　of　all　replieshe　sighed　and　said
nothing。

〃If　I　did　my　duty　to　my　sister；〃　I　reminded　him；　〃I　should　refuse
to　forgive　you；　and　send　you　back　to　Eunice。〃

〃Your　father's　language　and　your　father's　conduct；〃　he　answered；
〃have　released　me　from　that　entanglement。　I　can　never　go　back　to
Eunice。　If　you　refuse　to　forgive　me；　neither　you　nor　she　will　see
anything　more　of　Philip　Dunboyne；　I　promise　you　that。　Are　you
satisfied　now？〃

After　holding　out　against　him　resolutely；　I　felt　myself　beginning
to　yield。　When　a　man　has　once　taken　their　fancy；　what　helplessly
weak　creatures　women　are！　I　saw　through　his　vacillating
weaknessand　yet　I　trusted　him；　with　both　eyes　open。　My
looking…glass　is　opposite　to　me　while　I　write。　It　shows　me　a
contemptible　Helena。　I　lied；　and　said　I　was　satisfiedto　please
_him。_

〃Am　I　forgiven？〃　he　asked。

It　is　absurd　to　put　it　on　record。　Of　course；　I　forgave　him。　What
a　good　Christian　I　am；　after　all！

He　took　my　willing　hand。　〃My　lovely　darling；〃　he　said；　〃our
marriage　rests　with　you。　Whether　your　father　approves　of　it　or
not；　say　the　word；　claim　me；　and　I　am　yours　for　life。〃

I　must　have　been　infatuated　by　his　voice　and　his　look；　my　heart
must　have　been　burning　under　the　pressure　of　his　hand　on　mine。
Was　it　my　modesty　or　my　self…control　that　deserted　me？　I　let　him
take　me　in　his　arms。　Again；　and　again；　and　again　I　kissed　him。　We
were　deaf　to　what　we　ought　to　have　heard；　we　were　blind　to　what
we　ought　to　have　seen。　Before　we　were　conscious　of　a　movement
among　the　trees；　we　were　discovered。　My　sister　flew　at　me　like　a
wild　animal。　Her　furious　hands　fastened　themselves　on　my　throat。
Philip　started　to　his　feet。　When　he　touched　her；　in　the　act　of
forcing　her　back　from　me；　Eunice's　raging　strength　became　utter
weakness　in　an　instant。　Her　arms　fell　helpless　at　her　sidesher
head　droopedshe　looked　at　him　in　silence　which　was　dreadful；　at
such　a　moment　as　that。　He　shrank　from　the　unendurable　reproach　in
those　tearless　eyes。　Meanly；　he　turned　away　from　her。　Meanly；　I
followed　him。　Looking　back　for　an　instant；　I　saw　her　step
forward；　perhaps　to　stop　him；　perhaps　to　speak　to　him。　The　effort
was　too　much　for　her　strength；　she　staggered　back　against　the
trunk　of　a　tree。　Like　strangers；　walking　separate　one　from　the
other；　we　left　her　to　her　companionthe　hideous　traitress　who
was　my　enemy　and　her　friend。


CHAPTER　XXIX。

HELENA'S　DIARY。


ON　reaching　the　street　which　led　to　Philip's　hotel；　we　spoke　to
each　other　for　the　first　time。

〃What　are　we　to　do？〃　I　said。

〃Leave　this　place；〃　he　answered。

〃Together？〃　I　asked。

〃Yes。〃

To　leave　us　（for　a　while）；　after　what　had　happened；　might　be　the
wisest　thing　which　a　man；　in　Philip's　critical　position；　could
do。　But　if　I　went　with　himunprovided　as　I　was　with　any　friend
of　my　own　sex；　whose　character　and　presence　might　sanction　the
step　I　had　takenI　should　be　lost　beyond　redemption。　Is　any　man
that　ever　lived　worth　that　sacrifice？　I　thought　of　my　father's
house　closed　to　me；　and　of　our　friends　ashamed　of　me。　I　have
owned；　in　some　earlier　part　of　my　Journal；　that　I　am　not　very
patient　under　domestic　cares。　But　the　possibility　of　Eunice　being
appointed　housekeeper；　with　my　power；　in　my　place；　was　more　than
I　could　calmly　contemplate。　〃No；〃　I　said　to　Philip。　〃Your
absence；　at　such　a　time　as　this；　may　help　us　both；　but；　come　what
may　of　it；　I　must　remain　at　home。〃

He　yielded；　without　an　attempt　to　make　me　alter　my　mind。　There
was　a　sullen　submission　in　his　manner　which　it　was　not　pleasant
to　see。　Was　he　despairing　already　of　himself　and　of　me？　Had
Eunice　aroused　the　watchful　demons　of　shame　and　remorse？

〃Perhaps　you　are　right；〃　he　said；　gloomily。　〃Good…by。〃

My　anxiety　put　the　all…important　question　to　him　without
hesitation。

〃Is　it　good…by　forever；　Philip？〃

His　reply　instantly　relieved　me：　〃God　forbid！〃

But　I　wanted　more：　〃You　still　love　me？〃　I　persisted。

〃More　dearly　than　ever！〃

〃And　yet　you　leave　me！〃

He　turned　pale。　〃I　leave　you　because　I　am　afraid。〃

〃Afraid　of　what？〃

〃Afraid　to　face　Eunice　again。〃

The　only　possible　way　out　of　our　difficulty　that　I　could　see；　now
occurred　to　me。　〃Suppose　my　sister　can　be　prevailed　on　to　give
you　up？〃　I　suggested。　〃Would　you　come　back　to　us　in　that　case？〃

〃Certainly！〃

〃And　you　would　ask　my　father　to　consent　to　our　marriage？〃

〃On　the　day　of　my　return；　if　you　like。〃

〃Suppose　obstacles　get　in　our　way；〃　I　said〃suppose　time　passes
and　tries　your　patiencewill　you　still　consider　yourself　engaged
to　me？〃

〃Engaged　to　you；〃　he　answered；　〃in　spite　of　obstacles　and　in
spite　of　time。〃

〃And　while　you　are　away　from　me；〃　I　ventured　to　add；　〃we　shall
write　to　each　other？〃

〃Go　where　I　may；〃　he　said；　〃you　shall　always　hear　from　me。〃

I　could　ask　no　more；　and　he　could　concede　no　more。　The　impression
evidently　left　on　him　by　Eunice's　terrible　outbreak；　was　far　more
serious　than　I　had　anticipated。　I　was　myself　depressed　and　ill　at
ease。　No　expressions　of　tenderness　were　exchanged　between　us。
There　was　something　horrible　in　our　barren　farewell。　We　merely
clasped　hands；　at　parting。　He　went　his　wayand　I　went　mine。

There　are　some　occasions　when　women　set　an　example　of　courage　to
men。　I　was　ready　to　endure　whatever　might　happen　to　me；　when　I
got　home。　What　a　desperate　wretch！　some　people　might　say；　if　they
could　look　into　this　di　ary！

Maria　opened　the　door；　she　told　me　that　my　sister　had　already
returned；　accompanied　by　Miss　Jillgall。　There　had　been　apparently
some　difference　of　opinion　between　them；　before　they　entered　the
house。　Eunice　had　attempted　to　go　on　to　some　other　place；　and
Miss　Jillgall　had　remonstrated。　Maria　had　heard　her　say：　〃No；　you
would　degrade　yourself〃and；　with　that；　she　had　led　Eunice
indoors。　I　understood；　of　course；　that　my　sister　had　been
prevented　from　following　Philip　to　the　hotel。　There　was　probably
a　serious　quarrel　in　store　for　me。　I　went　straight　to　the
bedroom；　expecting　to　find　Eunice　there；　and　prepared　to　brave
the　storm　that　might　burst　on　me。　There　was　a　woman　at　Eunice's
end　of　the　room；　removing　dresses　from　the　wardrobe。　I　could　only
see　her　back；　but　it　was　impossible　to　mistake　_that_
figureMiss　Jillgall。

She　laid　the　dresses　on　Eunice's　bed；　without　taking　the
slightest　notice　of　me。　In　significant　silence　I　pointed　to　the
door。　She　went　on　as　coolly　with　her　occupation　as　if　the　room
had　been；　not　mine　but　hers；　I　stepped　up　to　her；　and　spoke
plainly。

〃You　oblige　me　to　remind　you；〃　I　said；　〃that　you　are　not　in　your
own　room。〃　There；　I　waited　a　little；　and　found　that　I　had
produced　no　effect。　〃With　every　disposition；〃　I　resumed；　〃to　make
allowance　for　the　disagreeable　peculiarities　of　your　character；　I
cannot　consent　to　overlook　an　act　of　intrusion；　committed　by　a
Spy。　Now；　do　you　understand　me？〃

She　looked　round　her。　〃I　see　no　third　person　here；〃　she　said。
〃May　I　ask　if　you　mean　me？〃

〃I　mean　you。〃

〃Will　you　be　so　good；　Miss　Helena；　as　to　explain　yourself？〃

Moderation　of　language　would　have　been　thrown　away　on　this　woman。
〃You　followed　me　to　the　park；〃　I　said。　〃It　was　you　who　found　me
with　Mr。　Dunboyne；　and　betrayed　me　to　my　sister。　You　are　a　Spy；
and　you　know　it。　At　this　very　moment　you　daren't　look　me　in　the
face。〃

Her　insolence　forced　its　way　out　of　her　at　last。　Let　me　record
itand　repay　it；　when　the　time　comes。

〃Quite　true；〃　she　replied。　〃If　I　ventured　to　look　you　in　the
face；　I　am　afraid　I　might　forget　myself。　I　have　always　been
brought　up　like　a　lady；　and　I　wish　to　show　it　even　in　the　company
of　such　a　wretch　as　you　are。　There　is　not　one　word　of　truth　in
what　you　have　said　of　me。　I　went　to　the　hotel　to　find　Mr。
Dunboyne。　Ah；　you　may　sneer！　I　haven't　got　your　good　looksand　a
vile　use　you　have　made　of　them。　My　object　was　to　recall　that　base
young　man　to　his　duty　to　my　dear　charming　injured　Euneece。　The
hotel　servant　told　me　that　Mr。　Dunboyne　had　gone　out。　Oh；　I　had
the　means　of　persuasion　in　my　pocket！　The　man　directed　me　to　the
park；　as　he　had　already　directed　Mr。　Dunboyne。　It　was　only　when　I
had　found　the　place；　that　I　heard　some　one　behind　me。　Poor
innocent　Euneece　had　followed　me　to　the　hotel；　and　had　got　her
directions；　as　I　had　got　mine。　God　knows　how　hard　I　tried　to
persuade　her　to　go　back；　and　how　horribly　frightened　I　wasNo！　I
won't　distress　myself　by　saying　a　word　more。　It　would　be　too
humiliating　to　let　_you_　see　an　honest　woman　in　tears。　Your
sister　has　a　spirit　of　her　own；　thank　God！　She　won't　inhabi