letters of two brides-第17章

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　　this　talisman；　might　I　not　say？since　your　blue　eyes　sparkle　with
　　life　as　I　look；　and　paint　passes　into　flesh　and　blood。　If　I　have
　　delayed　writing；　it　is　because　I　could　not　tear　myself　away　from
　　your　presence；　which　wrung　from　me　all　that　I　was　bound　to　keep
　　most　secret。

　　〃Yes；　closeted　with　you　all　last　night　and　to…day；　I　have；　for　the
　　first　time　in　my　life；　given　myself　up　to　full；　complete；　and
　　boundless　happiness。　Could　you　but　see　yourself　where　I　have
　　placed　you；　between　the　Virgin　and　God；　you　might　have　some　idea
　　of　the　agony　in　which　the　night　has　passed。　But　I　would　not　offend
　　you　by　speaking　of　it；　for　one　glance　from　your　eyes；　robbed　of
　　the　tender　sweetness　which　is　my　life；　would　be　full　of　torture
　　for　me；　and　I　implore　your　clemency　therefore　in　advance。　Queen　of
　　my　life　and　of　my　soul；　oh！　that　you　could　grant　me　but　one…
　　thousandth　part　of　the　love　I　bear　you！

　　〃This　was　the　burden　of　my　prayer；　doubt　worked　havoc　in　my　soul
　　as　I　oscillated　between　belief　and　despair；　between　life　and
　　death；　darkness　and　light。　A　criminal　whose　verdict　hangs　in　the
　　balance　is　not　more　racked　with　suspense　than　I；　as　I　own　to　my
　　temerity。　The　smile　imaged　on　your　lips；　to　which　my　eyes　turned
　　ever　and　again；　and　alone　able　to　calm　the　storm　roused　by　the
　　dread　of　displeasing　you。　From　my　birth　no　one；　not　even　my
　　mother；　has　smiled　on　me。　The　beautiful　young　girl　who　was
　　designed　for　me　rejected　my　heart　and　gave　hers　to　my　brother。
　　Again；　in　politics　all　my　efforts　have　been　defeated。　In　the　eyes
　　of　my　king　I　have　read　only　thirst　for　vengeance；　from　childhood
　　he　has　been　my　enemy；　and　the　vote　of　the　Cortes　which　placed　me
　　in　power　was　regarded　by　him　as　a　personal　insult。

　　〃Less　than　this　might　breed　despondency　in　the　stoutest　heart。
　　Besides；　I　have　no　illusion；　I　know　the　gracelessness　of　my
　　person；　and　am　well　aware　how　difficult　it　is　to　do　justice　to　the
　　heart　within　so　rugged　a　shell。　To　be　loved　had　ceased　to　be　more
　　than　a　dream　to　me　when　I　met　you。　Thus　when　I　bound　myself　to
　　your　service　I　knew　that　devotion　alone　could　excuse　my　passion。

　　〃But；　as　I　look　upon　this　portrait　and　listen　to　your　smile　that
　　whispers　of　rapture；　the　rays　of　a　hope　which　I　had　sternly
　　banished　pierced　the　gloom；　like　the　light　of　dawn；　again　to　be
　　obscured　by　rising　mists　of　doubt　and　fear　of　your　displeasure；　if
　　the　morning　should　break　to　day。　No；　it　is　impossible　you　should
　　love　me　yetI　feel　it；　but　in　time；　as　you　make　proof　of　the
　　strength；　the　constancy；　and　depth　of　my　affection；　you　may　yield
　　me　some　foothold　in　your　heart。　If　my　daring　offends　you；　tell　me
　　so　without　anger；　and　I　will　return　to　my　former　part。　But　if　you
　　consent　to　try　and　love　me；　be　merciful　and　break　it　gently　to　one
　　who　has　placed　the　happiness　of　his　life　in　the　single　thought　of
　　serving　you。〃

My　dear；　as　I　read　these　last　words；　he　seemed　to　rise　before　me；　pale
as　the　night　when　the　camellias　told　their　story　and　he　knew　his
offering　was　accepted。　These　words；　in　their　humility；　were　clearly
something　quite　different　from　the　usual　flowery　rhetoric　of　lovers；
and　a　wave　of　feeling　broke　over　me；　it　was　the　breath　of　happiness。

The　weather　has　been　atrocious；　impossible　to　go　to　the　Bois　without
exciting　all　sorts　of　suspicions。　Even　my　mother；　who　often　goes　out；
regardless　of　rain；　remains　at　home；　and　alone。

Wednesday　evening。

I　have　just　seen　/him/　at　the　Opera；　my　dear；　he　is　another　man。　He
came　to　our　box；　introduced　by　the　Sardinian　ambassador。

Having　read　in　my　eyes　that　this　audacity　was　taken　in　good　part；　he
seemed　awkwardly　conscious　of　his　limbs；　and　addressed　the　Marquise
d'Espard　as　〃mademoiselle。〃　A　light　far　brighter　than　the　glare　of　the
chandeliers　flashed　from　his　eyes。　At　last　he　went　out　with　the　air　of
a　man　who　didn't　know　what　he　might　do　next。

〃The　Baron　de　Macumer　is　in　love！〃　exclaimed　Mme。　de　Maufrigneuse。

〃Strange；　isn't　it；　for　a　fallen　minister？〃　replied　my　mother。

I　had　sufficient　presence　of　mind　myself　to　regard　with　curiosity
Mmes。　de　Maufrigneuse　and　d'Espard　and　my　mother；　as　though　they　were
talking　a　foreign　language　and　I　wanted　to　know　what　it　was　all　about；
but　inwardly　my　soul　sank　in　the　waves　of　an　intoxicating　joy。　There
is　only　one　word　to　express　what　I　felt；　and　that　is：　rapture。　Such
love　as　Felipe's　surely　makes　him　worthy　of　mine。　I　am　the　very　breath
of　his　life；　my　hands　hold　the　thread　that　guides　his　thoughts。　To　be
quite　frank；　I　have　a　mad　longing　to　see　him　clear　every　obstacle　and
stand　before　me；　asking　boldly　for　my　hand。　Then　I　should　know　whether
this　storm　of　love　would　sink　to　placid　calm　at　a　glance　from　me。

Ah！　my　dear；　I　stopped　here；　and　I　am　still　all　in　a　tremble。　As　I
wrote；　I　heard　a　slight　noise　outside；　and　rose　to　see　what　it　was。
From　my　window　I　could　see　him　coming　along　the　ridge　of　the　wall　at
the　risk　of　his　life。　I　went　to　the　bedroom　window　and　made　him　a
sign；　it　was　enough；　he　leaped　from　the　wallten　feetand　then　ran
along　the　road；　as　far　as　I　could　see　him；　in　order　to　show　me　that　he
was　not　hurt。　That　he　should　think　of　my　fear　at　the　moment　when　he
must　have　been　stunned　by　his　fall；　moved　me　so　much　that　I　am　still
crying；　I　don't　know　why。　Poor　ungainly　man！　what　was　he　coming　for？
what　had　he　to　say　to　me？

I　dare　not　write　my　thoughts；　and　shall　go　to　bed　joyful；　thinking　of
all　that　we　would　say　if　we　were　together。　Farewell；　fair　silent　one。
I　have　not　time　to　scold　you　for　not　writing；　but　it　is　more　than　a
month　since　I　have　heard　from　you！　Does　this　mean　that　you　are　at　last
happy？　Have　you　lost　the　〃complete　independence〃　which　you　were　so
proud　of；　and　which　to…night　has　so　nearly　played　me　false？



XX

RENEE　DE　L'ESTORADE　TO　LOUISE　DE　CHAULIEU
May。

If　love　be　the　life　of　the　world；　why　do　austere　philosophers　count　it
for　nothing　in　marriage？　Why　should　Society　take　for　its　first　law
that　the　woman　must　be　sacrificed　to　the　family；　introducing　thus　a
note　of　discord　into　the　very　heart　of　marriage？　And　this　discord　was
foreseen；　since　it　was　to　meet　the　dangers　arising　from　it　that　men
were　armed　with　new…found　powers　against　us。　But　for　these；　we　should
have　been　able　to　bring　their　whole　theory　to　nothing；　whether　by　the
force　of　love　or　of　a　secret；　persistent　aversion。

I　see　in　marriage；　as　it　at　present　exists；　two　opposing　forces　which
it　was　the　task　of　the　lawgiver　to　reconcile。　〃When　will　they　be
reconciled？〃　I　said　to　myself；　as　I　read　your　letter。　Oh！　my　dear；　one
such　letter　alone　is　enough　to　overthrow　the　whole　fabric　constructed
by　the　sage　of　Aveyron；　under　whose　shelter　I　had　so　cheerfully
ensconced　myself！　The　laws　were　made　by　old　menany　woman　can　see
thatand　they　have　been　prudent　enough　to　decree　that　conjugal　love；
apart　from　passion；　is　not　degrading；　and　that　a　woman　in　yielding
herself　may　dispense　with　the　sanction　of　love；　provided　the　man　can
legally　call　her　his。　In　their　exclusive　concern　for　the　family　they
have　imitated　Nature；　whose　one　care　is　to　propagate　the　species。

Formerly　I　was　a　person；　now　I　am　a　chattel。　Not　a　few　tears　have　I
gulped　down；　alone　and　far　from　every　one。　How　gladly　would　I　have
exchanged　them　for　a　consoling　smile！　Why　are　our　destinies　so
unequal？　Your　soul　expands　in　the　atmosphere　of　a　lawful　passion。　For
you；　virtue　will　coincide　with　pleasure。　If　you　encounter　pain；　it
will　be　of　your　own　free　choice。　Your　duty；　if　you　marry　Felipe；　will
be　one　with　the　sweetest；　freest　indulgence　of　feeling。　Our　future　is
big　with　the　answer　to　my　question；　and　I　look　for　it　with　restless
eagerness。

You　love　and　are　adored。　Oh！　my　dear；　let　this　noble　romance；　the　old
subject　of　our　dreams；　take　full　possession　of　your　soul。　Womanly
beauty；　refined　and　spiritualized　in　you；　was　created　by　God；　for　His
own　purposes；　to　charm　and　to　delight。　Yes；　my　sweet；　guard　well　the
secret　of　your　heart；　and　submit　Felipe　to　those　ingenious　devices　of
ours　for　testing　a　lover's　metal。　Above　all；　make　trial　of　your　own
love；　for　this　is　even　more　important。　It　is　so　easy　to　be　misled　by
the　deceptive　glamour　of　novelty　and　passion；　and　by　the　vision　of
happiness。

Alone　of　the　two　friends；　you　remain　in　your　maiden　independence；　and
I　beseech　you；　dearest；　do　not　risk　the　irrevocable　step　of　marriage
without　some　guarantee。　It　happens　sometimes；　when　two　are　talking
together；　apart　from　the　world；　their　souls　stripped　of　social
disguise；　that　a　gesture；　a　word；　a　look　lights　up；　as　by　a　flash；
some　dark　abyss。　You　have　courage　and　strength　to　tread　boldly　in
paths　where　others　would　be　lost。

You　have　no　conception　in　what　anxiety　I　watch　you。　Across　all　this
space　I　see　you；　my　heart　beats　with　yours。　Be　sure；　therefore；　to
write　and　tell　me　everything。　Your　letters　create　an　inner　life　of
passion　within　my　homely；　peaceful　household；　which　reminds　me　of　a
level　highroad　on　a　gray　day。　The　only　event　here；　my　sweet；　is　that　I
am　playing　cross…purposes　with　myself。　But　I　don't　want　to　tell　you
about　it　just　now；　it　must　wait　for　another　day。　With　dogged
obstinacy；　I　pass　from　despair　to　hope；　now　yielding；　now　holding
back。　It　may　be　that　I　ask　from　life　more　than　we　have　a　right　to
claim。　In　youth　we　are　so　ready　to　believe　that　the　ideal　and　the　real
will　harmonize！

I　have　been　pondering　alone；　seated　beneath　a　rock　in　my　park；　and　the
fruit　of　my　pondering　is　that　love　in　marriage　is　a　happy　accident　on
which　it　is　impossible　to　base　a　universal　law。　My　Aveyron　philosopher
is　right　in　looking　on　the　family　as　the　only　possible　unit　in
society；　and　in　placing　woman　in　subjection　to　the　family；　as　she　has
been　in　all　ages。　The　solution　of　this　greatfor　us　almost　awful
question　lies　in　our　first　child。　For　this　reason；　I　would　gladly　be　a
mother；　were　it　only　to　supply　food　for　the　consuming　energy　of　my
soul。

Louis'　temper　remains　as　perfect　as　ever；　his　love　is　of　the　active；
my　tenderness　of　the　passive；　type。　He　is　happy；　plucking　the　flowers
which　bloom　for　him；　without　troubling　about　the　labor　of　the　earth
which　has　produced　them。　Blessed　self…absorption！　At　whatever　cost　to
myself；　I　fall　in　with　his　illusions；　as　a　mother；　in　my　idea　of　her；
should　be　ready　to　spend　herself　to　satisfy　a　fancy　of　her　child。　The
intensity　of　his　joy　blinds　him；　and　even　throws　its　reflection　upon
me。　The　smile　or　look　of　satisfaction　which　the　knowledge　of　his
content　brings　to　my　face　is　enough　to　satisfy　him。　And　so；　〃my　child〃
is　the　pet　name　which　I　give　him　when　we　are　alone。

And　I　wait　for　the　fruit　of　all　these　sacrifices　which　remain　a　secret
between　God；　myself；　and　you。　On　motherhood　I　have　staked　enormously；
my　credit　account　is　now　too　large；　I　fear　I　shall　never　receive　full
payment。　To　it　I　look　for　employment　of　my　energy；　expansion　of　my
heart；　and　the　compensation　of　a　world　of　joys。　Pray　Heaven　I　be　not
deceived！　It　is　a　question　of　all　my　future　and；　horrible　thought；　of
my　virtue。



XXI

LOUISE　DE　CHAULIEU　TO　RENEE　DE　L'ESTORADE
June。

Dear　wedded　sweetheart；Your　letter　has　arrived　at　the　very　moment　to
hearten　me