letters of two brides-第18章

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XXI

LOUISE　DE　CHAULIEU　TO　RENEE　DE　L'ESTORADE
June。

Dear　wedded　sweetheart；Your　letter　has　arrived　at　the　very　moment　to
hearten　me　for　a　bold　step　which　I　have　been　meditating　night　and　day。
I　feel　within　me　a　strange　craving　for　the　unknown；　or；　if　you　will；
the　forbidden；　which　makes　me　uneasy　and　reveals　a　conflict　in
progress　in　my　soul　between　the　laws　of　society　and　of　nature。　I
cannot　tell　whether　nature　in　me　is　the　stronger　of　the　two；　but　I
surprise　myself　in　the　act　of　meditating　between　the　hostile　powers。

In　plain　words；　what　I　wanted　was　to　speak　with　Felipe；　alone；　at
night；　under　the　lime…trees　at　the　bottom　of　our　garden。　There　is　no
denying　that　this　desire　beseems　the　girl　who　has　earned　the　epithet
of　an　〃up…to…date　young　lady；〃　bestowed　on　me　by　the　Duchess　in　jest；
and　which　my　father　has　approved。

Yet　to　me　there　seems　a　method　in　this　madness。　I　should　recompense
Felipe　for　the　long　nights　he　has　passed　under　my　window；　at　the　same
time　that　I　should　test　him；　by　seeing　what　he　thinks　of　my　escapade
and　how　he　comports　himself　at　a　critical　moment。　Let　him　cast　a　halo
round　my　follybehold　in　him　my　husband；　let　him　show　one　iota　less
of　the　tremulous　respect　with　which　he　bows　to　me　in　the　Champs…
Elyseesfarewell；　Don　Felipe。

As　for　society；　I　run　less　risk　in　meeting　my　lover　thus　than　when　I
smile　to　him　in　the　drawing…rooms　of　Mme。　de　Maufrigneuse　and　the　old
Marquise　de　Beauseant；　where　spies　now　surround　us　on　every　side；　and
Heaven　only　knows　how　people　stare　at　the　girl；　suspected　of　a
weakness　for　a　grotesque；　like　Macumer。

I　cannot　tell　you　to　what　a　state　of　agitation　I　am　reduced　by
dreaming　of　this　idea；　and　the　time　I　have　given　to　planning　its
execution。　I　wanted　you　badly。　What　happy　hours　we　should　have
chattered　away；　lost　in　the　mazes　of　uncertainty；　enjoying　in
anticipation　all　the　delights　and　horrors　of　a　first　meeting　in　the
silence　of　night；　under　the　noble　lime…trees　of　the　Chaulieu　mansion；
with　the　moonlight　dancing　through　the　leaves！　As　I　sat　alone；　every
nerve　tingling；　I　cried；　〃Oh！　Renee；　where　are　you？〃　Then　your　letter
came；　like　a　match　to　gunpowder；　and　my　last　scruples　went　by　the
board。

Through　the　window　I　tossed　to　my　bewildered　adorer　an　exact　tracing
of　the　key　of　the　little　gate　at　the　end　of　the　garden；　together　with
this　note：

　　〃Your　madness　must　really　be　put　a　stop　to。　If　you　broke　your
　　neck；　you　would　ruin　the　reputation　of　the　woman　you　profess　to
　　love。　Are　you　worthy　of　a　new　proof　of　regard；　and　do　you　deserve
　　that　I　should　talk　with　you　under　the　limes　at　the　foot　of　the
　　garden　at　the　hour　when　the　moon　throws　them　into　shadow？〃

Yesterday　at　one　o'clock；　when　Griffith　was　going　to　bed；　I　said　to
her：

〃Take　your　shawl；　dear；　and　come　out　with　me。　I　want　to　go　to　the
bottom　of　the　garden　without　anyone　knowing。〃

Without　a　word；　she　followed　me。　Oh！　my　Renee；　what　an　awful　moment
when；　after　a　little　pause　full　of　delicious　thrills　of　agony；　I　saw
him　gliding　along　like　a　shadow。　When　he　had　reached　the　garden
safely；　I　said　to　Griffith：

〃Don't　be　astonished；　but　the　Baron　de　Macumer　is　here；　and；　indeed；
it　is　on　that　account　I　brought　you　with　me。〃

No　reply　from　Griffith。

〃What　would　you　have　with　me？〃　said　Felipe；　in　a　tone　of　such
agitation　that　it　was　easy　to　see　he　was　driven　beside　himself　by　the
noise；　slight　as　it　was；　of　our　dresses　in　the　silence　of　the　night
and　of　our　steps　upon　the　gravel。

〃I　want　to　say　to　you　what　I　could　not　write；〃　I　replied。

Griffith　withdrew　a　few　steps。　It　was　one　of　those　mild　nights；　when
the　air　is　heavy　with　the　scent　of　flowers。　My　head　swam　with　the
intoxicating　delight　of　finding　myself　all　but　alone　with　him　in　the
friendly　shade　of　the　lime…trees；　beyond　which　lay　the　garden；　shining
all　the　more　brightly　because　the　white　facade　of　the　house　reflected
the　moonlight。　The　contrast　seemed；　as　it　were；　an　emblem　of　our
clandestine　love　leading　up　to　the　glaring　publicity　of　a　wedding。
Neither　of　us　could　do　more　at　first　than　drink　in　silently　the
ecstasy　of　a　moment；　as　new　and　marvelous　for　him　as　for　me。　At　last　I
found　tongue　to　say；　pointing　to　the　elm…tree：

〃Although　I　am　not　afraid　of　scandal；　you　shall　not　climb　that　tree
again。　We　have　long　enough　played　schoolboy　and　schoolgirl；　let　us
rise　now　to　the　height　of　our　destiny。　Had　that　fall　killed　you；　I
should　have　died　disgraced　。　。　。〃

I　looked　at　him。　Every　scrap　of　color　had　left　his　face。

〃And　if　you　had　been　found　there；　suspicion　would　have　attached　either
to　my　mother　or　to　me　。　。　。〃

〃Forgive　me；〃　he　murmured。

〃If　you　walk　along　the　boulevard；　I　shall　hear　your　step；　and　when　I
want　to　see　you；　I　will　open　my　window。　But　I　would　not　run　such　a
risk　unless　some　emergency　arose。　Why　have　you　forced　me　by　your　rash
act　to　commit　another；　and　one　which　may　lower　me　in　your　eyes？〃

The　tears　which　I　saw　in　his　eyes　were　to　me　the　most　eloquent　of
answers。

〃What　I　have　done　to…night；〃　I　went　on　with　a　smile；　〃must　seem　to　you
the　height　of　madness　。　。　。〃

After　we　had　walked　up　and　down　in　silence　more　than　once；　he
recovered　composure　enough　to　say：

〃You　must　think　me　a　fool；　and；　indeed；　the　delirium　of　my　joy　has
robbed　me　of　both　nerve　and　wits。　But　of　this　at　least　be　assured；
whatever　you　do　is　sacred　in　my　eyes　from　the　very　fact　that　it　seemed
right　to　you。　I　honor　you　as　I　honor　only　God　besides。　And　then；　Miss
Griffith　is　here。〃

〃She　is　here　for　the　sake　of　the　others；　not　for　us；〃　I　put　in
hastily。

My　dear；　he　understood　me　at　once。

〃I　know　very　well；〃　he　said；　with　the　humblest　glance　at　me；　〃that
whether　she　is　there　or　not　makes　no　difference。　Unseen　of　men；　we　are
still　in　the　presence　of　God；　and　our　own　esteem　is　not　less　important
to　us　than　that　of　the　world。〃

〃Thank　you；　Felipe；〃　I　said；　holding　out　my　hand　to　him　with　a　gesture
which　you　ought　to　see。　〃A　woman；　and　I　am　nothing；　if　not　a　woman；　is
on　the　road　to　loving　the　man　who　understands　her。　Oh！　only　on　the
road；〃　I　went　on；　with　a　finger　on　my　lips。　〃Don't　let　your　hopes
carry　you　beyond　what　I　say。　My　heart　will　belong　only　to　the　man　who
can　read　it　and　know　its　every　turn。　Our　views；　without　being
absolutely　identical；　must　be　the　same　in　their　breadth　and　elevation。
I　have　no　wish　to　exaggerate　my　own　merits；　doubtless　what　seem
virtues　in　my　eyes　have　their　corresponding　defects。　All　I　can　say　is；
I　should　be　heartbroken　without　them。〃

〃Having　first　accepted　me　as　your　servant；　you　now　permit　me　to　love
you；〃　he　said；　trembling　and　looking　in　my　face　at　each　word。　〃My
first　prayer　has　been　more　than　answered。〃

〃But；〃　I　hastened　to　reply；　〃your　position　seems　to　me　a　better　one
than　mine。　I　should　not　object　to　change　places；　and　this　change　it
lies　with　you　to　bring　about。〃

〃In　my　turn；　I　thank　you；〃　he　replied。　〃I　know　the　duties　of　a
faithful　lover。　It　is　mine　to　prove　that　I　am　worthy　of　you；　the
trials　shall　be　as　long　as　you　choose　to　make　them。　If　I　belie　your
hopes；　you　have　onlyGod！　that　I　should　say　itto　reject　me。〃

〃I　know　that　you　love　me；〃　I　replied。　〃/So　far/；〃　with　a　cruel
emphasis　on　the　words；　〃you　stand　first　in　my　regard。　Otherwise　you
would　not　be　here。〃

Then　we　began　to　walk　up　and　down　as　we　talked；　and　I　must　say　that　so
soon　as　my　Spaniard　had　recovered　himself　he　put　forth　the　genuine
eloquence　of　the　heart。　It　was　not　passion　it　breathed；　but　a
marvelous　tenderness　of　feeling　which　he　beautifully　compared　to　the
divine　love。　His　thrilling　voice；　which　lent　an　added　charm　to
thoughts；　in　themselves　so　exquisite；　reminded　me　of　the　nightingale's
note。　He　spoke　low；　using　only　the　middle　tones　of　a　fine　instrument；
and　words　flowed　upon　words　with　the　rush　of　a　torrent。　It　was　the
overflow　of　the　heart。

〃No　more；〃　I　said；　〃or　I　shall　not　be　able　to　tear　myself　away。〃

And　with　a　gesture　I　dismissed　him。

〃You　have　committed　yourself　now；　mademoiselle；〃　said　Griffith。

〃In　England　that　might　be　so；　but　not　in　France；〃　I　replied　with
nonchalance。　〃I　intend　to　make　a　love　match；　and　am　feeling　my　way
that　is　all。〃

You　see；　dear；　as　love　did　not　come　to　me；　I　had　to　do　as　Mahomet　did
with　the　mountain。

Friday。

Once　more　I　have　seen　my　slave。　He　has　become　very　timid；　and　puts　on
an　air　of　pious　devotion；　which　I　like；　for　it　seems　to　say　that　he
feels　my　power　and　fascination　in　every　fibre。　But　nothing　in　his　look
or　manner　can　rouse　in　these　society　sibyls　any　suspicion　of　the
boundless　love　which　I　see。　Don't　suppose　though；　dear；　that　I　am
carried　away；　mastered；　tamed；　on　the　contrary；　the　taming；　mastering；
and　carrying　away　are　on　my　side　。　。　。

In　short；　I　am　quite　capable　of　reason。　Oh！　to　feel　again　the　terror
of　that　fascination　in　which　I　was　held　by　the　schoolmaster；　the
plebeian；　the　man　I　kept　at　a　distance！

The　fact　is　that　love　is　of　two　kindsone　which　commands；　and　one
which　obeys。　The　two　are　quite　distinct；　and　the　passion　to　which　the
one　gives　rise　is　not　the　passion　of　the　other。　To　get　her　full　of
life；　perhaps　a　woman　ought　to　have　experience　of　both。　Can　the　two
passions　ever　co…exist？　Can　the　man　in　whom　we　inspire　love　inspire　it
in　us？　Will　the　day　ever　come　when　Felipe　is　my　master？　Shall　I
tremble　then；　as　he　does　now？　These　are　questions　which　make　me
shudder。

He　is　very　blind！　In　his　place　I　should　have　thought　Mlle。　de
Chaulieu；　meeting　me　under　the　limes；　a　cold；　calculating　coquette；
with　starched　manners。　No；　that　is　not　love；　it　is　playing　with　fire。
I　am　still　fond　of　Felipe；　but　I　am　calm　and　at　my　ease　with　him　now。
No　more　obstacles！　What　a　terrible　thought！　It　is　all　ebb…tide　within；
and　I　fear　to　question　my　heart。　His　mistake　was　in　concealing　the
ardor　of　his　love；　he　ought　to　have　forced　my　self…control。

In　a　word；　I　was　naughty；　and　I　have　not　got　the　reward　such
naughtiness　brings。　No；　dear；　however　sweet　the　memory　of　that　half…
hour　beneath　the　trees；　it　is　nothing　like　the　excitement　of　the　old
time　with　its：　〃Shall　I　go？　Shall　I　not　go？　Shall　I　write　to　him？
Shall　I　not　write？〃

Is　it　thus　with　all　our　pleasures？　Is　suspense　always　better　than
enjoyment？　Hope　than　fruition？　Is　it　the　rich　who　in　very　truth　are
the　poor？　Have　we　not　both　perhaps　exaggerated　feeling　by　giving　to
imagination　too　free　a　rein？　There　are　times　when　this　thought　freezes
me。　Shall　I　tell　you　why？　Because　I　am　meditating　another　visit　to　the
bottom　of　the　gardenwithout　Griffith。　How　far　could　I　go　in　this
direction？　Imagination　knows　no　limit；　but　it　is　not　so　with　pleasure。
Tell　me；　dear　be…furbelowed　professor；　how　can　one　reconcile　the　two
goals　of　a　woman's　existence？



XXII

LOUISE　TO　FELIPE

I　am　not　pleased　with　you。　If　you　did　not　cry　over　Racine's
/Berenice/；　and　feel　it　to　be　the　most　terrible　of　tragedies；　there　is
no　kinship　in　our　souls；　we　shall　never　get　on　together；　and　had
better　break　off　at　once。　Let　us　meet　no　more。　Forget　me；　for　if　I　do
not　have　a　satisfactory　reply；　I　shall　forget　you。　You　will　become　M。
le　Baron　de　Macumer　for　me；　or　rather　you　will　cease　to　be　at　all。

Yesterday　at　Mme。　d'Espard's　you　had　a　self…satisfied　air　which
disg