letters of two brides-第12章

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married；　and　Iin　love！　Four　little　months；　and　those　two　doves；
whose　wings　erst　bore　them　so　high；　have　fluttered　down　upon　the　flat
stretches　of　real　life！

Sunday。

Yesterday；　at　the　Italian　Opera；　I　could　feel　some　one　was　looking　at
me；　my　eyes　were　drawn；　as　by　a　magnet；　to　two　wells　of　fire；　gleaming
like　carbuncles　in　a　dim　corner　of　the　orchestra。　Henarez　never　moved
his　eyes　from　me。　The　wretch　had　discovered　the　one　spot　from　which　he
could　see　meand　there　he　was。　I　don't　know　what　he　may　be　as　a
politician；　but　for　love　he　has　a　genius。

　　Behold；　my　fair　Renee；　where　our　business　now　stands；

as　the　great　Corneille　has　said。



XIII

MME。　DE　L'ESTORADE　TO　MLLE。　DE　CHAULIEU
LA　CRAMPADE；　February。

My　dear　Louise；I　was　bound　to　wait　some　time　before　writing　to　you；
but　now　I　know；　or　rather　I　have　learned；　many　things　which；　for　the
sake　of　your　future　happiness；　I　must　tell　you。　The　difference　between
a　girl　and　a　married　woman　is　so　vast；　that　the　girl　can　no　more
comprehend　it　than　the　married　woman　can　go　back　to　girlhood　again。

I　chose　to　marry　Louis　de　l'Estorade　rather　than　return　to　the
convent；　that　at　least　is　plain。　So　soon　as　I　realized　that　the
convent　was　the　only　alternative　to　marrying　Louis；　I　had；　as　girls
say；　to　〃submit；〃　and　my　submission　once　made；　the　next　thing　was　to
examine　the　situation　and　try　to　make　the　best　of　it。

The　serious　nature　of　what　I　was　undertaking　filled　me　at　first　with
terror。　Marriage　is　a　matter　concerning　the　whole　of　life；　whilst　love
aims　only　at　pleasure。　On　the　other　hand；　marriage　will　remain　when
pleasures　have　vanished；　and　it　is　the　source　of　interests　far　more
precious　than　those　of　the　man　and　woman　entering　on　the　alliance。
Might　it　not　therefore　be　that　the　only　requisite　for　a　happy　marriage
was　friendshipa　friendship　which；　for　the　sake　of　these　advantages；
would　shut　its　eyes　to　many　of　the　imperfections　of　humanity？　Now
there　was　no　obstacle　to　the　existence　of　friendship　between　myself
and　Louis　de　l'Estorade。　Having　renounced　all　idea　of　finding　in
marriage　those　transports　of　love　on　which　our　minds　used　so　often；
and　with　such　perilous　rapture；　to　dwell；　I　found　a　gentle　calm
settling　over　me。　〃If　debarred　from　love；　why　not　seek　for　happiness？〃
I　said　to　myself。　〃Moreover；　I　am　loved；　and　the　love　offered　me　I
shall　accept。　My　married　life　will　be　no　slavery；　but　rather　a
perpetual　reign。　What　is　there　to　say　against　such　a　situation　for　a
woman　who　wishes　to　remain　absolute　mistress　of　herself？〃

The　important　point　of　separating　marriage　from　marital　rights　was
settled　in　a　conversation　between　Louis　and　me；　in　the　course　of　which
he　gave　proof　of　an　excellent　temper　and　a　tender　heart。　Darling；　my
desire　was　to　prolong　that　fair　season　of　hope　which；　never
culminating　in　satisfaction；　leaves　to　the　soul　its　virginity。　To
grant　nothing　to　duty　or　the　law；　to　be　guided　entirely　by　one's　own
will；　retaining　perfect　independencewhat　could　be　more　attractive；
more　honorable？

A　contract　of　this　kind；　directly　opposed　to　the　legal　contract；　and
even　to　the　sacrament　itself；　could　be　concluded　only　between　Louis
and　me。　This　difficulty；　the　first　which　has　arisen；　is　the　only　one
which　has　delayed　the　completion　of　our　marriage。　Although；　at　first；
I　may　have　made　up　my　mind　to　accept　anything　rather　than　return　to
the　convent；　it　is　only　in　human　nature；　having　got　an　inch；　to　ask
for　an　ell；　and　you　and　I；　sweet　love；　are　of　those　who　would　have　it
all。

I　watched　Louis　out　of　the　corner　of　my　eye；　and　put　it　to　myself；
〃Has　suffering　had　a　softening　or　a　hardening　effect　on　him？〃　By　dint
of　close　study；　I　arrived　at　the　conclusion　that　his　love　amounted　to
a　passion。　Once　transformed　into　an　idol；　whose　slightest　frown　would
turn　him　white　and　trembling；　I　realized　that　I　might　venture
anything。　I　drew　him　aside　in　the　most　natural　manner　on　solitary
walks；　during　which　I　discreetly　sounded　his　feelings。　I　made　him
talk；　and　got　him　to　expound　to　me　his　ideas　and　plans　for　our　future。
My　questions　betrayed　so　many　preconceived　notions；　and　went　so
straight　for　the　weak　points　in　this　terrible　dual　existence；　that
Louis　has　since　confessed　to　me　the　alarm　it　caused　him　to　find　in　me
so　little　of　the　ignorant　maiden。

Then　I　listened　to　what　he　had　to　say　in　reply。　He　got　mixed　up　in　his
arguments；　as　people　do　when　handicapped　by　fear；　and　before　long　it
became　clear　that　chance　had　given　me　for　adversary　one　who　was　the
less　fitted　for　the　contest　because　he　was　conscious　of　what　you
magniloquently　call　my　〃greatness　of　soul。〃　Broken　by　sufferings　and
misfortune；　he　looked　on　himself　as　a　sort　of　wreck；　and　three　fears
in　especial　haunted　him。

First；　we　are　aged　respectively　thirty…seven　and　seventeen；　and　he
could　not　contemplate　without　quaking　the　twenty　years　that　divide　us。
In　the　next　place；　he　shares　our　views　on　the　subject　of　my　beauty；
and　it　is　cruel　for　him　to　see　how　the　hardships　of　his　life　have
robbed　him　of　youth。　Finally；　he　felt　the　superiority　of　my　womanhood
over　his　manhood。　The　consciousness　of　these　three　obvious　drawbacks
made　him　distrustful　of　himself；　he　doubted　his　power　to　make　me
happy；　and　guessed　that　he　had　been　chosen　as　the　lesser　of　two　evils。

One　evening　he　tentatively　suggested　that　I　only　married　him　to　escape
the　convent。

〃I　cannot　deny　it；〃　was　my　grave　reply。

My　dear；　it　touched　me　to　the　heart　to　see　the　two　great　tears　which
stood　in　his　eyes。　Never　before　had　I　experienced　the　shock　of　emotion
which　a　man　can　impart　to　us。

〃Louis；〃　I　went　on；　as　kindly　as　I　could；　〃it　rests　entirely　with　you
whether　this　marriage　of　convenience　becomes　one　to　which　I　can　give
my　whole　heart。　The　favor　I　am　about　to　ask　from　you　will　demand
unselfishness　on　your　part；　far　nobler　than　the　servitude　to　which　a
man's　love；　when　sincere；　is　supposed　to　reduce　him。　The　question　is；
Can　you　rise　to　the　height　of　friendship　such　as　I　understand　it？

〃Life　gives　us　but　one　friend；　and　I　wish　to　be　yours。　Friendship　is
the　bond　between　a　pair　of　kindred　souls；　united　in　their　strength；
and　yet　independent。　Let　us　be　friends　and　comrades　to　bear　jointly
the　burden　of　life。　Leave　me　absolutely　free。　I　would　put　no　hindrance
in　the　way　of　your　inspiring　me　with　a　love　similar　to　your　own；　but　I
am　determined　to　be　yours　only　of　my　own　free　gift。　Create　in　me　the
wish　to　give　up　my　freedom；　and　at　once　I　lay　it　at　your　feet。

〃Infuse　with　passion；　then；　if　you　will；　this　friendship；　and　let　the
voice　of　love　disturb　its　calm。　On　my　part　I　will　do　what　I　can　to
bring　my　feelings　into　accord　with　yours。　One　thing；　above　all；　I
would　beg　of　you。　Spare　me　the　annoyances　to　which　the　strangeness　of
our　mutual　position　might　give　rise　to　our　relations　with　others。　I　am
neither　whimsical　nor　prudish；　and　should　be　sorry　to　get　that
reputation；　but　I　feel　sure　that　I　can　trust　to　your　honor　when　I　ask
you　to　keep　up　the　outward　appearance　of　wedded　life。〃

Never；　dear；　have　I　seen　a　man　so　happy　as　my　proposal　made　Louis。　The
blaze　of　joy　which　kindled　in　his　eyes　dried　up　the　tears。

〃Do　not　fancy；〃　I　concluded；　〃that　I　ask　this　from　any　wish　to　be
eccentric。　It　is　the　great　desire　I　have　for　your　respect　which
prompts　my　request。　If　you　owe　the　crown　of　your　love　merely　to　the
legal　and　religious　ceremony；　what　gratitude　could　you　feel　to　me
later　for　a　gift　in　which　my　goodwill　counted　for　nothing？　If　during
the　time　that　I　remained　indifferent　to　you　（yielding　only　a　passive
obedience；　such　as　my　mother　has　just　been　urging　on　me）　a　child　were
born　to　us；　do　you　suppose　that　I　could　feel　towards　it　as　I　would
towards　one　born　of　our　common　love？　A　passionate　love　may　not　be
necessary　in　marriage；　but；　at　least；　you　will　admit　that　there　should
be　no　repugnance。　Our　position　will　not　be　without　its　dangers；　in　a
country　life；　such　as　ours　will　be；　ought　we　not　to　bear　in　mind　the
evanescent　nature　of　passion？　Is　it　not　simple　prudence　to　make
provision　beforehand　against　the　calamities　incident　to　change　of
feeling？〃

He　was　greatly　astonished　to　find　me　at　once　so　reasonable　and　so　apt
at　reasoning；　but　he　made　me　a　solemn　promise；　after　which　I　took　his
hand　and　pressed　it　affectionately。

We　were　married　at　the　end　of　the　week。　Secure　of　my　freedom；　I　was
able　to　throw　myself　gaily　into　the　petty　details　which　always
accompany　a　ceremony　of　the　kind；　and　to　be　my　natural　self。　Perhaps　I
may　have　been　taken　for　an　old　bird；　as　they　say　at　Blois。　A　young
girl；　delighted　with　the　novel　and　hopeful　situation　she　had　contrived
to　make　for　herself；　and　may　have　passed　for　a　strong…minded　female。

Dear；　the　difficulties　which　would　beset　my　life　had　appeared　to　me
clearly　as　in　a　vision；　and　I　was　sincerely　anxious　to　make　the
happiness　of　the　man　I　married。　Now；　in　the　solitude　of　a　life　like
ours；　marriage　soon　becomes　intolerable　unless　the　woman　is　the
presiding　spirit。　A　woman　in　such　a　case　needs　the　charm　of　a
mistress；　combined　with　the　solid　qualities　of　a　wife。　To　introduce　an
element　of　uncertainty　into　pleasure　is　to　prolong　illusion；　and
render　lasting　those　selfish　satisfactions　which　all　creatures　hold；
and　should　shroud　a　woman　in　expectancy；　crown　her　sovereign；　and
invest　her　with　an　exhaustless　power；　a　redundancy　of　life；　that　makes
everything　blossom　around　her。　The　more　she　is　mistress　of　herself；
the　more　certainly　will　the　love　and　happiness　she　creates　be　fit　to
weather　the　storms　of　life。

But；　above　all；　I　have　insisted　on　the　greatest　secrecy　in　regard　to
our　domestic　arrangements。　A　husband　who　submits　to　his　wife's　yoke　is
justly　held　an　object　of　ridicule。　A　woman's　influence　ought　to　be
entirely　concealed。　The　charm　of　all　we　do　lies　in　its
unobtrusiveness。　If　I　have　made　it　my　task　to　raise　a　drooping　courage
and　restore　their　natural　brightness　to　gifts　which　I　have　dimly
descried；　it　must　all　seem　to　spring　from　Louis　himself。

Such　is　the　mission　to　which　I　dedicate　myself；　a　mission　surely　not
ignoble；　and　which　might　well　satisfy　a　woman's　ambition。　Why；　I　could
glory　in　this　secret　which　shall　fill　my　life　with　interest；　in　this
task　towards　which　my　every　energy　shall　be　bent；　while　it　remains
concealed　from　all　but　God　and　you。

I　am　very　nearly　happy　now；　but　should　I　be　so　without　a　friendly
heart　in　which　to　pour　the　confession？　For　how　make　a　confidant　of
him？　My　happiness　would　wound　him；　and　has　to　be　concealed。　He　is
sensitive　as　a　woman；　like　all　men　who　have　suffered　much。

For　three　months　we　remained　as　we　were　before　marriage。　As　you　may
imagine；　during　this　time　I　made　a　close　study　of　many　small　personal
matters；　which　have　more　to　do　with　love　than　is　generally　supposed。
In　spite　of　my　coldness；　Louis　grew　bolder；　and　his　nature　expanded。　I
saw　on　his　face　a　new　expression；　a　look　of　youth。　The　greater
refinement　which　I　introduced　into　the　house　was　reflected　in　his
person。　Insensibly　I　became　accustomed　to　his　presence；　and　made
another　self　of　him。　By　dint　of　constant　watching　I　discovered　how　his
mind　and　countenance　harmonize。　〃The　animal　that　we　call　a　husband；〃
to　quote　your　words；　disappeare