the dwelling place of ligh-第65章

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〃Oh；　do　you　think　I　believe　that？〃　she　exclaimed。

〃I　swear　itI'll　prove　it！〃　he　protested。　　Still　under　the　influence　of
an　acute　anxiety；　he　was　finding　it　difficult　to　gather　his　wits；　to
present　his　case。　　〃When　you　left　me　that　day　the　strike　beganwhen　you
left　me　without　giving　me　a　chanceyou'll　never　know　how　that　hurt　me。〃

〃You'll　never　know　how　it　hurt　me！〃　she　interrupted。

〃Then　why；　in　God's　name；　did　you　do　it？　　I　wasn't　myself；　then；　you
ought　to　have　seen　that。　　And　when　I　heard　from　Caldwell　here　that　you'd
joined　those　anarchists〃

〃They're　no　worse　than　you　arethey　only　want　what　you've　got；〃　she
said。

He　waved　this　aside。　　〃I　couldn't　believe　itI　wouldn't　believe　it　until
somebody　saw　you　walking　with　one　of　them　to　their　Headquarters。　　Why　did
you　do　it？〃

〃Because　I　know　how　they　feel；　I　sympathize　with　the　strikers；　I　want
them　to　winagainst　you！〃　　She　lifted　her　head　and　looked　at　him；　and　in
spite　of　the　state　of　his　feelings　he　felt　a　twinge　of　admiration　at　her
defiance。

〃Because　you　love　me！〃　he　said。

〃Because　I　hate　you；〃　she　answered。

And　yet　a　spark　of　exultation　leaped　within　him　at　the　thought　that　love
had　caused　this　apostasy。　　He　had　had　that　suspicion　before；　though　it
was　a　poor　consolation　when　he　could　not　reach　her。　　Now　she　had　made　it
vivid。　　A　woman's　logic；　or　lack　of　logicher　logic。

〃Listen！〃　he　pleaded。　　〃I　tried　to　forget　youI　tried　to　keep　myself
going　all　the　time　that　I　mightn't　think　of　you；　but　I　couldn't　help
thinking　of　you；　wanting　you；　longing　for　you。　　I　never　knew　why　you　left
me；　except　that　you　seemed　to　believe　I　was　unkind　to　you；　and　that
something　had　happened。　　It　wasn't　my　fault〃　he　pulled　himself　up
abruptly。

〃I　found　out　what　men　were　like；〃　she　said。　　〃A　man　made　my　sister　a
woman　of　the　streetsthat's　what　you've　done　to　me。〃

He　winced。　　And　the　calmness　she　had　regained；　which　was　so
characteristic　of　her；　struck　him　with　a　new　fear。

〃I'm　not　that　kind　of　a　man；〃　he　said。

But　she　did　not　answer。　　His　predicament　became　more　trying。

〃I'll　take　care　of　you；〃　he　assured　her；　after　a　moment。　　〃If　you'll　only
trust　me；　if　you'll　only　come　to　me　I'll　see　that　no　harm　comes　to　you。〃

She　regarded　him　with　a　sort　of　wondera　look　that　put　a　fine　edge　of
dignity　and　scorn　to　her　words　when　they　came。

〃I　told　you　I　didn't　want　to　be　taken　care　ofI　wanted　to　kill　you；　and
kill　myself。　　I　don't　know　why　I　can't　what　prevents　me。〃　　She　rose。
〃But　I'm　not　going　to　trouble　you　any　moreyou'll　never　hear　of　me
again。〃

She　would　not　trouble　him；　she　was　going　away；　he　would　never　hear　of　her
again！　　Suddenly；　with　the　surge　of　relief　he　experienced；　came　a　pang。
He　could　not　let　her　goit　was　impossible。　　It　seemed　that　he　had　never
understood　his　need　of　her；　his　love　for　her；　until　now　that　he　had
brought　her　to　this　supreme　test　of　self…revelation。　　She　had　wanted　to
kill　him；　yes；　to　kill　herselfbut　how　could　he　ever　have　believed　that
she　would　stoop　to　another　method　of　retaliation？　　As　she　stood　before
him　the　light　in　her　eyes　　still　wet　with　tearstransfigured　her。

〃I　love　you；　Janet；〃　he　said。　　〃I　want　you　to　marry　me。〃

〃You　don't　understand；〃　she　answered。　　〃You　never　did。　　If　I　had　married
you；　I'd　feel　just　the　samebut　it　isn't　really　as　bad　as　if　we　had　been
married。〃

〃Not　as　bad！〃　he　exclaimed。

〃If　we　were　married；　you'd　think　you　had　rights　over　me；〃　she　explained；
slowly。　　〃Now　you　haven't　any；　I　can　go　away。　　I　couldn't　live　with　you。
I　know　what　happened　to　me；　I've　thought　it　all　out；　I　wanted　to　get　away
from　the　life　I　was　leadingI　hated　it　so；　I　was　crazy　to　have　a　chance；
to　see　the　world；　to　get　nearer　some　of　the　beautiful　things　I　knew　were
there；　but　couldn't　reach。。。。　　And　you　came　along。　　I　did　love　you；　I
would　have　done　anything　for　youit　was　only　when　I　saw　that　you　didn't
really　love　me　that　I　began　to　hate　you；　that　I　wanted　to　get　away　from
you；　when　I　saw　that　you　only　wanted　me　until　you　should　get　tired　of　me。
That's　your　nature；　you　can't　help　it。　　And　it　would　have　been　the　same
if　we　were　married；　only　worse；　I　couldn't　have　stood　it　any　more　than　I
can　nowI'd　have　left　you。　　You　say　you'll　marry　me　now；　but　that's
because　you're　sorry　for　mesince　I've　said　I'm　not　going　to　trouble　you
any　more。　　You'll　be　glad　I've　gone。　　You　maywant　me　now；　but　that
isn't　love。　　When　you　say　you　love　me；　I　can't　believe　you。〃

〃You　must　believe　me！　　And　the　child；　Janet；our　child〃

〃If　the　world　was　right；〃　she　said；　〃I　could　have　this　child　and　nobody
would　say　anything。　　I　could　support　itI　guess　I　can　anyway。　　And　when
I'm　not　half　crazy　I　want　it。　　Maybe　that's　the　reason　I　couldn't　do　what
I　tried　to　do　just　now。　　It's　natural　for　a　woman　to　want　a　child
especially　a　woman　like　me；　who　hasn't　anybody　or　anything。〃

Ditmar's　state　of　mind　was　too　complicated　to　be　wholly　described。　　As
the　fact　had　been　gradually　brought　home　to　him　that　she　had　not　come　as
a　supplicant；　that　even　in　her　misery　she　was　free；　and　he　helpless；
there　revived　in　him　wild　memories　of　her　body；　of　the　kisses　he　had
wrung　from　herand　yet　this　physical　desire　was　accompanied　by　a
realization　of　her　personality　never　before　achieved。　　And　because　he　had
hitherto　failed　to　achieve　it；　she　had　escaped　him。　　This　belated；
surpassing　glimpse　of　what　she　essentially　was；　and　the　thought　of　the
child　their　childpermeating　his　passion；　transformed　it　into　a　feeling
hitherto　unexperienced　and　unimagined。　　He　hovered　over　her；　pitifully；
his　hands　feeling　for　her；　yet　not　daring　to　touch　her。

〃Can't　you　see　that　I　love　you？〃　he　cried；　〃that　I'm　ready　to　marry　you
now；　to…night。　　You　must　love　me；　I　won't　believe　that　you　don't　after
after　all　we　have　been　to　each　other。〃

But　even　then　she　could　not　believe。　　Something　in　her；　made　hard　by　the
intensity　of　her　suffering；　refused　to　melt。　　And　her　head　was　throbbing；
and　she　scarcely　heard　him。

〃I　can't　stay　any　longer；〃　she　said；　getting　to　her　feet。　　〃I　can't　bear
it。〃

〃Janet；　I　swear　I'll　care　for　you　as　no　woman　was　ever　cared　for。　　For
God's　sake　listen　to　me；　give　me　a　chance；　forgive　me！〃　　He　seized　her
arm；　she　struggled；　gently　but　persistently；　to　free　herself　from　his
hold。

〃Let　me　go；　please。〃　　All　the　passionate　anger　had　gone　out　of　her；　and
she　spoke　in　a　monotone；　as　one　under　hypnosis；　dominated　by　a　resolution
which；　for　the　present　at　least；　he　was　powerless　to　shake。

〃But　to…morrow？〃　he　pleaded。　　〃You'll　let　me　see　you　to…morrow；　when
you've　had　time　to　think　it　over；　when　you　realize　that　I　love　you　and
want　you；　that　I　haven't　meant　to　be　cruelthat　you've　misjudged　me
thought　I　was　a　different　kind　of　a　man。　　I　don't　blame　you　for　that；　I
guess　something　happened　to　make　you　believe　it。　　I've　got　enemies。　　For
the　sake　of　the　child；　Janet；　if　for　nothing　else；　you'll　come　back　to
me！　　You'reyou're　tired　tonight；　you're　not　yourself。　　I　don't　wonder；
after　all　you've　been　through。　　If　you'd　only　come　to　me　before！　　God
knows　what　I've　suffered；　too！〃

〃Let　me　go；　please；〃　she　repeated；　and　this　time；　despairingly；　he　obeyed
her；　a　conviction　of　her　incommuy　nica；bility　overwhelming　him。　　He
turned　and；　fumbling　with　the　key；　unlocked　the　door　and　opened　it。
〃I'll　see　you　to…morrow；〃　he　faltered　once　more；　and　watched　her　as　she
went　through　the　darkened　outer　room　until　she　gained　the　lighted　hallway
beyond　and　disappeared。　　Her　footsteps　died　away　into　silence。　　He　was
trembling。　　For　several　minutes　he　stood　where　she　had　left　him；　tortured
by　a　sense　of　his　inability　to　act；　to　cope　with　this；　the　great　crisis
of　his　life；　when　suddenly　the　real　significance　of　that　strange　last
look　in　her　eyes　was　borne　home　to　him。　　And　he　had　allowed　her　to　go　out
into　the　streets　alone！　　Seizing　his　hat　and　coat；　he　fairly　ran　out　of
the　office　and　down　the　stairs　and　across　the　bridge。

〃Which　way　did　that　young　lady　go？〃　he　demanders　of　the　sergeant。

〃Whyug　West　Street；　Mr。　Ditmar。〃

He　remembered　where　Filhnore　Street　was；　he　had；　indeed；　sought　it　out
one　evening　in　the　hope　of　meeting　her。　　He　hurried　toward　it　now；　his
glance　strained　ahead　to　catch　sight　of　her　figure　under　a　lamp。　　But　he
reached　Fillmore　Street　without　overtaking　her；　and　in　the　rain　he　stood
gazing　at　the　mean　houses　there；　wondering　in　which　of　them　she　lived；
and　whether　she　had　as　yet　come　home。。。。

After　leaving　Ditmar　Janet；　probably　from　force　of　habit；　had　indeed　gone
through　West　Street；　and　after　that　she　walked　on　aimlessly。　　It　was
better　to　walk　than　to　sit　alone　in　torment；　to　be　gnawed　by　that　Thing
from　which　she　had　so　desperately　attempted　to　escape；　and　failed。　　She
tried　to　think　why　she　had　failed。。。。　　Though　the　rain　fell　on　her
cheeks；　her　mouth　was　parched；　and　this　dryness　of　her　palate；　this
physical　sense　of　lightness；　almost　of　dizziness；　were　intimately　yet
incomprehensibly　part　and　parcel　of　the　fantastic　moods　into　which　she
floated。　　It　was　as　though；　in　trying　to　solve　a　problem；　she　caught
herself　from　time　to　time　falling　off　to　sleep。　　In　her　waking　moments
she　was　terror…stricken。　　Scarce　an　hour　had　passed　since；　in　a　terrible
exaltation　at　having　found　a　solution；　she　had　gone　to　Ditmar's　office　in
the　mill。　　What　had　happened　to　stay　her？　　It　was　when　she　tried　to　find
the　cause　of　the　weakness　that　so　abruptly　had　overtaken　her；　or　to　cast
about　for　a　plan　to　fit　the　new　predicament　to　which　her　failure　had
sentenced　her；　that　the　fantasies　intruded。　　She　heard　Ditmar　speaking；
the　arguments　were　curiously　familiarbut　they　were　not　Ditmar's！　　They
were　her　father's；　and　now　it　was　Edward's　voice　to　which　she　listened；
he　was　telling　her　how　eminently　proper　it　was　that　she　should　marry
Ditmar；　because　of　her　Bumpus　blood。　　And　this　made　her　laugh。。。。　　Again；
Ditmar　was　kissing　her　hair。　　He　had　often　praised　it。　　She　had　taken　it
down　and　combed　it　out　for　him；　it　was　like　a　cloud；　he　saidso　fine；
its　odour　made　him　faintand　then　the　odour　changed；　became　that　of　the
detested　perfume　of　Miss　Lottie　Myers！　　Even　that　made　Janet　smile！　　But
Ditmar　was　strong；　he　was　powerful；　he　was　a　Fact；　why　not　go　back　to　him
and　let　him　absorb　and　destroy　her？　　That　annihilation　would　be　joy。。。。

It　could　not　have　been　much　later　than　seven　o'clock　when　she　found
herself　opposite　the　familiar；　mulberry…shingled　Protestant　church。　　The
light　from　its　vestibule　made　a　gleaming　square　on　the　wet　sidewalk；　and
into　this　area；　from　the　surrounding　darkness；　came　silhouetted　figures
of　men　and　women　holding　up　umbrellas；　some　paused　for　a　moment's　chat；
their　voices　subdued　by　an　awareness　of　the　tabernacle。　　At　the　sight　of
this　tiny　congregation　something　stirred　within　her。　　She　experienced　a
twinge　of　surprise　at　the　discovery　that　other　people　in　the　world；　in
Hampton；　were　still　leading　tranquil；　untormented　existences。　　They　were
contented；　prosperous；　stupid；　beyond　any　need　of　help　from　God；　and　yet
they　were　going　to　prayer…meeting　to　ask　something！　　He　refused　to　find
her　in　the　dark　streets。　　Would　she　find　Him　if　she　went　in　there？　　and
would　He　help　her？

The　bell　in　the　tower　began　to　clang；　with　hea