sketches new and old-第43章

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has　to　slave　his　life　out；　fighting　documents　for　the　benefit　of　a　nation
that　never　thinks　of　him；　never　sympathizes　with　himand　all　for　two
thousand　or　three　thousand　dollars　a　year。　　When　I　shall　have　completed
my　list　of　all　the　clerks　in　the　several　departments；　with　my　statement
of　what　they　have　to　do；　and　what　they　get　for　it；　you　will　see　that
there　are　not　half　enough　clerks；　and　that　what　there　are　do　not　get　half
enough　pay。






HISTORY　REPEATS　ITSELF

The　following　I　find　in　a　Sandwich　Island　paper　which　some　friend　has
sent　me　from　that　tranquil　far…off　retreat。　　The　coincidence　between　my
own　experience　and　that　here　set　down　by　the　late　Mr。　Benton　is　so
remarkable　that　I　cannot　forbear　publishing　and　commenting　upon　the
paragraph。　　The　Sandwich　Island　paper　says：

How　touching　is　this　tribute　of　the　late　Hon。　T。　H。　Benton　to　his
mother's　influence：'My　mother　asked　me　never　to　use　tobacco；　I　have
never　touched　it　from　that　time　to　the　present　day。　　She　asked　me　not　to
gamble；　and　I　have　never　gambled。　　I　cannot　tell　who　is　losing　in　games
that　are　being　played。　　She　admonished　me；　too；　against　liquor…drinking；
and　whatever　capacity　for　endurance　I　have　at　present；　and　whatever
usefulness　I　may　have　attained　through　life；　I　attribute　to　having
complied　with　her　pious　and　correct　wishes。　　When　I　was　seven　years　of
age　she　asked　me　not　to　drink；　and　then　I　made　a　resolution　of　total
abstinence；　and　that　I　have　adhered　to　it　through　all　time　I　owe　to　my
mother。〃

I　never　saw　anything　so　curious。　　It　is　almost　an　exact　epitome　of　my　own
moral　careerafter　simply　substituting　a　grandmother　for　a　mother。　　How
well　I　remember　my　grandmother's　asking　me　not　to　use　tobacco；　good　old
soul！　　She　said；　〃You're　at　it　again；　are　you；　you　whelp？　　Now　don't　ever
let　me　catch　you　chewing　tobacco　before　breakfast　again；　or　I　lay　I'll
blacksnake　you　within　an　inch　of　your　life！〃　　I　have　never　touched　it　at
that　hour　of　the　morning　from　that　time　to　the　present　day。

She　asked　me　not　to　gamble。　　She　whispered　and　said；　〃Put　up　those　wicked
cards　this　minute！two　pair　and　a　jack；　you　numskull；　and　the　other
fellow's　got　a　flush！〃

I　never　have　gambled　from　that　day　to　thisnever　oncewithout　a　〃cold
deck〃　in　my　pocket。　　I　cannot　even　tell　who　is　going　to　lose　in　games
that　are　being　played　unless　I　deal　myself。

When　I　was　two　years　of　age　she　asked　me　not　to　drink；　and　then　I　made　a
resolution　of　total　abstinence。　　That　I　have　adhered　to　it　and　enjoyed
the　beneficent　effects　of　it　through　all　time；　I　owe　to　my　grandmother。
I　have　never　drunk　a　drop　from　that　day　to　this　of　any　kind　of　water。






HONORED　AS　A　CURIOSITY

If　you　get　into　conversation　with　a　stranger　in　Honolulu；　and　experience
that　natural　desire　to　know　what　sort　of　ground　you　are　treading　on　by
finding　out　what　manner　of　man　your　stranger　is；　strike　out　boldly　and
address　him　as　〃Captain。〃　　Watch　him　narrowly；　and　if　you　see　by　his
countenance　that　you　are　on　the　wrong　track；　ask　him　where　he　preaches。
It　is　a　safe　bet　that　he　is　either　a　missionary　or　captain　of　a　whaler。
I　became　personally　acquainted　with　seventy…two　captains　and　ninety…six
missionaries。　　The　captains　and　ministers　form　one…half　of　the
population；　the　third　fourth　is　composed　of　common　Kanakas　and　mercantile
foreigners　and　their　families；　and　the　final　fourth　is　made　up　of　high
officers　of　the　Hawaiian　Government。　　And　there　are　just　about　cats
enough　for　three　apiece　all　around。

A　solemn　stranger　met　me　in　the　suburbs　one　day；　and　said：

〃Good　morning；　your　reverence。　　Preach　in　the　stone　church　yonder；　no
doubt！〃

〃No；　I　don't。　　I'm　not　a　preacher。〃

〃Really；　I　beg　your　pardon；　captain。　　I　trust　you　had　a　good　season。　　How
much　oil〃

〃Oil！　　Why；　what　do　you　take　me　for？　　I'm　not　a　whaler。〃

〃Oh！　　I　beg　a　thousand　pardons；　your　Excellency。　　Major…General　in　the
household　troops；　no　doubt？　　Minister　of　the　Interior；　likely？　　Secretary
of　War？　　First　Gentleman　of　the　Bedchamber？　　Commissioner　of　the　Royal〃

〃Stuff；　man！　　I'm　not　connected　in　any　way　with　the　government。〃

〃Bless　my　life！　　Then　who　the　mischief　are　you？　what　the　mischief　are
you？　and　how　the　mischief　did　you　get　here？　and　where　in　thunder　did　you
come　from？〃

〃I'm　only　a　private　personagean　unassuming　strangerlately　arrived
from　America。〃

〃　No！　　Not　a　missionary！　not　a　whaler！　not　a　member　of　his　Majesty's
government！　not　even　a　Secretary　of　the　Navy！　　Ah！　　Heaven！　it　is　too
blissful　to　be　true；　alas！　I　do　but　dream。　　And　yet　that　noble；　honest
countenancethose　oblique；　ingenuous　eyesthat　massive　head；　incapable
ofof　anything；　your　hand；　give　me　your　hand；　bright　waif。　　Excuse　these
tears。　　For　sixteen　weary　years　I　have　yearned　for　a　moment　like　this；
and〃

Here　his　feelings　were　too　much　for　him；　and　he　swooned　away。　　I　pitied
this　poor　creature　from　the　bottom　of　my　heart。　　I　was　deeply　moved。
I　shed　a　few　tears　on　him；　and　kissed　him　for　his　mother。　　I　then　took
what　small　change　he　had；　and　〃shoved。〃






FIRST　INTERVIEW　WITH　ARTEMUS　WARD　＇Written　about　1870。＇

I　had　never　seen　him　before。　　He　brought　letters　of　introduction　from
mutual　friends　in　San　Francisco；　and　by　invitation　I　breakfasted　with
him。　　It　was　almost　religion；　there　in　the　silver…mines；　to　precede　such
a　meal　with　whisky　cocktails。　　Artemus；　with　the　true　cosmopolitan
instinct；　always　deferred　to　the　customs　of　the　country　he　was　in；　and　so
he　ordered　three　of　those　abominations。　　Hingston　was　present。　　I　said　I
would　rather　not　drink　a　whisky　cocktail。　　I　said　it　would　go　right　to　my
head；　and　confuse　me　so　that　I　would　be　in　a　helpless　tangle　in　ten
minutes。　　I　did　not　want　to　act　like　a　lunatic　before　strangers。　　But
Artemus　gently　insisted；　and　I　drank　the　treasonable　mixture　under
protest；　and　felt　all　the　time　that　I　was　doing　a　thing　I　might　be　sorry
for。　　In　a　minute　or　two　I　began　to　imagine　that　my　ideas　were　clouded。
I　waited　in　great　anxiety　for　the　conversation　to　open；　with　a　sort　of
vague　hope　that　my　understanding　would　prove　clear；　after　all；　and　my
misgivings　groundless。

Artemus　dropped　an　unimportant　remark　or　two；　and　then　assumed　a　look　of
superhuman　earnestness；　and　made　the　following　astounding　speech。　　He
said：

〃Now　there　is　one　thing　I　ought　to　ask　you　about　before　I　forget　it。　　You
have　been　here　in　Silver　landhere　in　Nevadatwo　or　three　years；　and；
of　course；　your　position　on　the　daily　press　has　made　it　necessary　for　you
to　go　down　in　the　mines　and　examine　them　carefully　in　detail；　and
therefore　you　know　all　about　the　silver…mining　business。　　Now　what　I　want
to　get　at　isis；　well；　the　way　the　deposits　of　ore　are　made；　you　know。
For　instance。　　Now；　as　I　understand　it；　the　vein　which　contains　the
silver　is　sandwiched　in　between　casings　of　granite；　and　runs　along　the
ground；　and　sticks　up　like　a　curb　stone。　　Well；　take　a　vein　forty　feet
thick；　for　example；　or　eighty；　for　that　matter；　or　even　a　hundredsay
you　go　down　on　it　with　a　shaft；　straight　down；　you　know；　or　with　what　you
call　'incline'　maybe　you　go　down　five　hundred　feet；　or　maybe　you　don't　go
down　but　two　hundredanyway；　you　go　down；　and　all　the　time　this　vein
grows　narrower；　when　the　casings　come　nearer　or　approach　each　other；　you
may　saythat　is；　when　they　do　approach；　which；　of　course；　they　do　not
always　do；　particularly　in　cases　where　the　nature　of　the　formation　is
such　that　they　stand　apart　wider　than　they　otherwise　would；　and　which
geology　has　failed　to　account　for；　although　everything　in　that　science
goes　to　prove　that；　all　things　being　equal；　it　would　if　it　did　not；　or
would　not　certainly　if　it　did；　and　then；　of　course；　they　are。　　Do　not　you
think　it　is？〃

I　said　to　myself：

〃Now　I　just　knew　how　it　would　bethat　whisky　cocktail　has　done　the
business　for　me；　I　don't　understand　any　more　than　a　clam。〃

And　then　I　said　aloud：

〃IIthat　isif　you　don't　mind；　would　youwould　you　say　that　over
again？　　I　ought〃

〃Oh；　certainly；　certainly！　　You　see　I　am　very　unfamiliar　with　the
subject；　and　perhaps　I　don't　present　my　case　clearly；　but　I〃

〃No；　no…no；　no…you　state　it　plain　enough；　but　that　cocktail　has　muddled
me　a　little。　　But　I　will　no；　I　do　understand　for　that　matter；　but　I　would
get　the　hang　of　it　all　the　better　if　you　went　over　it　again…and　I'll　pay
better　attention　this　time。

He　said；　〃Why；　what　I　was　after　was　this。〃

＇Here　he　became　even　more　fearfully　impressive　than　ever；　and　emphasized
each　particular　point　by　checking　it　off　on　his　finger…ends。＇

〃This　vein；　or　lode；　or　ledge；　or　whatever　you　call　it；　runs　along
between　two　layers　of　granite；　just　the　same　as　if　it　were　a　sandwich。
Very　well。　　Now　suppose　you　go　down　on　that；　say　a　thousand　feet；　or
maybe　twelve　hundred　（it　don't　really　matter）　before　you　drift；　and　then
you　start　your　drifts；　some　of　them　across　the　ledge；　and　others　along
the　length　of　it；　where　the　sulphuretsI　believe　they　call　them
sulphurets；　though　why　they　should；　considering　that；　so　far　as　I　can
see；　the　main　dependence　of　a　miner　does　not　so　lie；　as　some　suppose；　but
in　which　it　cannot　be　successfully　maintained；　wherein　the　same　should
not　continue；　while　part　and　parcel　of　the　same　ore　not　committed　to
either　in　the　sense　referred　to；　whereas；　under　different　circumstances；
the　most　inexperienced　among　us　could　not　detect　it　if　it　were；　or　might
overlook　it　if　it　did；　or　scorn　the　very　idea　of　such　a　thing；　even
though　it　were　palpably　demonstrated　as　such。　　Am　I　not　right？〃

I　said；　sorrowfully：　〃I　feel　ashamed　of　myself；　Mr。　　Ward。　　I　know　I
ought　to　understand　you　perfectly　well；　but　you　see　that　treacherous
whisky　cocktail　has　got　into　my　head；　and　now　I　cannot　understand　even
the　simplest　proposition。　　I　told　you　how　it　would　be。〃

〃Oh；　don't　mind　it；　don't　mind　it；　the　fault　was　my　own；　no　doubtthough
I　did　think　it　clear　enough　for〃

〃Don't　say　a　word。　　Clear！　　Why；　you　stated　it　as　clear　as　the　sun　to
anybody　but　an　abject　idiot；　but　it's　that　confounded　cocktail　that　has
played　the　mischief。〃

〃No；　now　don't　say　that。　　I'll　begin　it　all　over　again；　and〃

〃Don't　nowfor　goodness'　sake；　don't　do　anything　of　the　kind；　because　I
tell　you　my　head　is　in　such　a　condition　that　I　don't　believe　I　could
understand　the　most　trifling　question　a　man　could　ask　me。

〃Now　don't　you　be　afraid。　　I'll　put　it　so　plain　this　time　that　you　can't
help　but　get　the　hang　of　it。　　We　will　begin　at　the　very　beginning。〃
＇Leaning　far　across　the　table；　with　determined　impressiveness　wrought
upon　his　every　feature；　and　fingers　prepared　to　keep　tally　of　each　point
enumerated；　and　I；　leaning　forward　with　painful　interest；　resolved　to
comprehend　or　perish。＇　　〃You　know　the　vein；　the　ledge；　the　thing　that
contains　the　metal；　whereby　it　constitutes　the　medium　between　all　other
forces；　whether　of　present　or　remote　agencies；　so　brought　to　bear　in
favor　of　the　former　against　the　latter；　or　the　latter　against　the　former
or　all；　or　both；　or　compromising　the　relative　differences　existing　within
the　radius　whence　culminate　the　several　degrees　of　similarity　to　which〃

I　said：　〃Oh；　hang　my　wooden　head；　it　ain't　any　use！it　ain't　any　use　to
tryI　can't　understand　anything。　　The　pla