sketches new and old-第42章

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General　Lee　and　his　comrades　in　arms；　but　that　I　could　not　approve　of　his
method　of　fighting　the　Indians　on　the　Plains。　　I　said　he　fought　too
scattering。　　He　ought　to　get　the　Indians　more　togetherget　them　together
in　some　convenient　place；　where　he　could　have　provisions　enough　for　both
parties；　and　then　have　a　general　massacre。　　I　said　there　was　nothing　so
convincing　to　an　Indian　as　a　general　massacre。　　If　he　could　not　approve
of　the　massacre；　I　said　the　next　surest　thing　for　an　Indian　was　soap　and
education。　　Soap　and　education　are　not　as　sudden　as　a　massacre；　but　they
are　more　deadly　in　the　long　run；　because　a　half…massacred　Indian　may
recover；　but　if　you　educate　him　and　wash　him；　it　is　bound　to　finish　him
some　time　or　other。　　It　undermines　his　constitution；　it　strikes　at　the
foundation　of　his　being。　　〃Sir；〃　I　said；　〃the　time　has　come　when　blood…
curdling　cruelty　has　become　necessary。　　Inflict　soap　and　a　spelling…book
on　every　Indian　that　ravages　the　Plains；　and　let　them　die！〃

The　Secretary　of　War　asked　me　if　I　was　a　member　of　the　Cabinet；　and　I
said　I　was。　　He　inquired　what　position　I　held；　and　I　said　I　was　clerk　of
the　Senate　Committee　on　Conchology。　　I　was　then　ordered　under　arrest　for
contempt　of　court；　and　restrained　of　my　liberty　for　the　best　part　of　the
day。

I　almost　resolved　to　be　silent　thenceforward；　and　let　the　Government　get
along　the　best　way　it　could。　　But　duty　called；　and　I　obeyed。　　I　called　on
the　Secretary　of　the　Treasury。　　He　said：

〃What　will　you　have？〃

The　question　threw　me　off　my　guard。　　I　said；　〃Rum　punch。〃

He　said：　〃If　you　have　got　any　business　here；　sir；　state　itand　in　as　few
words　as　possible。〃

I　then　said　that　I　was　sorry　he　had　seen　fit　to　change　the　subject　so
abruptly；　because　such　conduct　was　very　offensive　to　me；　but　under　the
circumstances　I　would　overlook　the　matter　and　come　to　the　point。　　I　now
went　into　an　earnest　expostulation　with　him　upon　the　extravagant　length
of　his　report。　　I　said　it　was　expensive；　unnecessary；　and　awkwardly
constructed；　there　were　no　descriptive　passages　in　it；　no　poetry；　no
sentiment　no　heroes；　no　plot；　no　picturesnot　even　wood…cuts。　　Nobody
would　read　it；　that　was　a　clear　case。　　I　urged　him　not　to　ruin　his
reputation　by　getting　out　a　thing　like　that。　　If　he　ever　hoped　to　succeed
in　literature　he　must　throw　more　variety　into　his　writings。　　He　must
beware　of　dry　detail。　　I　said　that　the　main　popularity　of　the　almanac　was
derived　from　its　poetry　and　conundrums；　and　that　a　few　conundrums
distributed　around　through　his　Treasury　report　would　help　the　sale　of　it
more　than　all　the　internal　revenue　he　could　put　into　it。　　I　said　these
things　in　the　kindest　spirit；　and　yet　the　Secretary　of　the　Treasury　fell
into　a　violent　passion。　　He　even　said　I　was　an　ass。　　He　abused　me　in　the
most　vindictive　manner；　and　said　that　if　I　came　there　again　meddling　with
his　business　he　would　throw　me　out　of　the　window。　　I　said　I　would　take　my
hat　and　go；　if　I　could　not　be　treated　with　the　respect　due　to　my　office；
and　I　did　go。　　It　was　just　like　a　new　author。　　They　always　think　they
know　more　than　anybody　else　when　they　are　getting　out　their　first　book。
Nobody　can　tell　them　anything。

During　the　whole　time　that　I　was　connected　with　the　government　it　seemed
as　if　I　could　not　do　anything　in　an　official　capacity　without　getting
myself　into　trouble。　　And　yet　I　did　nothing；　attempted　nothing；　but　what
I　conceived　to　be　for　the　good　of　my　country。　　The　sting　of　my　wrongs　may
have　driven　me　to　unjust　and　harmful　conclusions；　but　it　surely　seemed　to
me　that　the　Secretary　of　State；　the　Secretary　of　War；　the　Secretary　of
the　Treasury；　and　others　of　my　confreres　had　conspired　from　the　very
beginning　to　drive　me　from　the　Administration。　　I　never　attended　but　one
Cabinet　meeting　while　I　was　connected　with　the　government。　　That　was
sufficient　for　me。　　The　servant　at　the　White　House　door　did　not　seem
disposed　to　make　way　for　me　until　I　asked　if　the　other　members　of　the
Cabinet　had　arrived。　　He　said　they　had；　and　I　entered。　　They　were　all
there；　but　nobody　offered　me　a　seat。　　They　stared　at　me　as　if　I　had　been
an　intruder。　　The　President　said：

〃Well；　sir；　who　are　you？〃

I　handed　him　my　card；　and　he　read：　〃The　HON。　　MARK　TWAIN；　Clerk　of　the
Senate　Committee　on　Conchology。〃　　Then　he　looked　at　me　from　head　to　foot；
as　if　he　had　never　heard　of　me　before。　　The　Secretary　of　the　Treasury
said：

〃This　is　the　meddlesome　ass　that　came　to　recommend　me　to　put　poetry　and
conundrums　in　my　report；　as　if　it　were　an　almanac。〃

The　Secretary　of　War　said：　〃It　is　the　same　visionary　that　came　to　me
yesterday　with　a　scheme　to　educate　a　portion　of　the　Indians　to　death；
and　massacre　the　balance。〃

The　Secretary　of　the　Navy　said：　〃I　recognize　this　youth　as　the　person　who
has　been　interfering　with　my　business　time　and　again　during　the　week。　　He
is　distressed　about　Admiral　Farragut's　using　a　whole　fleet　for　a　pleasure
excursion；　as　he　terms　it。　　His　proposition　about　some　insane　pleasure
excursion　on　a　raft　is　too　absurd　to　repeat。〃

I　said：　〃　Gentlemen；　I　perceive　here　a　disposition　to　throw　discredit
upon　every　act　of　my　official　career；　I　perceive；　also；　a　disposition　to
debar　me　from　all　voice　in　the　counsels　of　the　nation。　　No　notice
whatever　was　sent　to　me　to…day。　　It　was　only　by　the　merest　chance　that　I
learned　that　there　was　going　to　be　a　Cabinet　meeting。　　But　let　these
things　pass。　　All　I　wish　to　know　is；　is　this　a　Cabinet　meeting　or　is　it
not？〃

The　President　said　it　was。

〃Then；〃　I　said；　〃let　us　proceed　to　business　at　once；　and　not　fritter　away
valuable　time　in　unbecoming　fault…findings　with　each　other's　official
conduct。〃

The　Secretary　of　State　now　spoke　up；　in　his　benignant　way；　and　said；
〃Young　man；　you　are　laboring　under　a　mistake。　　The　clerks　of　the
Congressional　committees　are　not　members　of　the　Cabinet。　　Neither　are　the
doorkeepers　of　the　Capitol；　strange　as　it　may　seem。　　Therefore；　much　as
we　could　desire　your　more　than　human　wisdom　in　our　deliberations；　we
cannot　lawfully　avail　ourselves　of　it。　　The　counsels　of　the　nation　must
proceed　without　you；　if　disaster　follows；　as　follow　full　well　it　may；　be
it　balm　to　your　sorrowing　spirit　that　by　deed　and　voice　you　did　what　in
you　lay　to　avert　it。　　You　have　my　blessing。　　Farewell。〃

These　gentle　words　soothed　my　troubled　breast；　and　I　went　away。　　But　the
servants　of　a　nation　can　know　no　peace。　　I　had　hardly　reached　my　den　in
the　Capitol；　and　disposed　my　feet　on　the　table　like　a　representative；
when　one　of　the　Senators　on　the　Conchological　Committee　came　in　in　a
passion　and　said：

〃Where　have　you　been　all　day？〃

I　observed　that；　if　that　was　anybody's　affair　but　my　own；　I　had　been　to　a
Cabinet　meeting。

〃To　a　Cabinet　meeting？　　I　would　like　to　know　what　business　you　had　at　a
Cabinet　meeting？〃

I　said　I　went　there　to　consultallowing　for　the　sake　of　argument　that　he
was　in　any　wise　concerned　in　the　matter。　　He　grew　insolent　then；　and
ended　by　saying　he　had　wanted　me　for　three　days　past　to　copy　a　report　on
bomb…shells；　egg…shells；　clamshells；　and　I　don't　know　what　all；　connected
with　conchology；　and　nobody　had　been　able　to　find　me。

This　was　too　much。　　This　was　the　feather　that　broke　the　clerical　camel's
back。　　I　said；　〃Sir；　do　you　suppose　that　I　am　going　to　work　for　six
dollars　a　day？　　If　that　is　the　idea；　let　me　recommend　the　Senate
Committee　on　Conchology　to　hire　somebody　else。　　I　am　the　slave　of　no
faction！　　Take　back　your　degrading　commission。　　Give　me　liberty；　or　give
me　death！〃

From　that　hour　I　was　no　longer　connected　with　the　government。　　Snubbed　by
the　department；　snubbed　by　the　Cabinet；　snubbed　at　last　by　the　chairman
of　a　committee　I　was　endeavoring　to　adorn；　I　yielded　to　persecution；　cast
far　from　me　the　perils　and　seductions　of　my　great　office；　and　forsook　my
bleeding　country　in　the　hour　of　her　peril。

But　I　had　done　the　state　some　service；　and　I　sent　in　my　bill：

　　　　　The　United　States　of　America　in　account　with
　　　　　the　Hon。　Clerk　of　the　Senate　Committee　on　Conchology；　　　Dr。
　　　　　　　　　　To　consultation　with　Secretary　of　War　。。。。。。。。。。。。　50
　　　　　　　　　　To　consultation　with　Secretary　of　Navy　。。。。。。。。。。。　50
　　　　　　　　　　To　consultation　with　Secretary　of　the　Treasury　。。。　50
　　　　　　　　　　Cabinet　consultation　。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。No　charge。
　　　　　　　　　　To　mileage　to　and　from　Jerusalem；　via　Egypt；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Algiers；　Gibraltar；　and　Cadiz；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　14；000　miles；　at　20c。　a　mile　。。。。。。。。。。。。。　2；800
　　　　　　　　　　To　salary　as　Clerk　of　Senate　Committee
　　　　　　　　　　on　Conchology；　six　days；　at　6　per　day　。。。。。。。。。。。　36

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Total　。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。　2；986

＇Territorial　delegates　charge　mileage　both　ways；　although　they　never　go
back　when　they　get　here　once。　　Why　my　mileage　is　denied　me　is　more　than　I
can　understand。＇

Not　an　item　of　this　bill　has　been　paid；　except　that　trifle　of　thirty…six
dollars　for　clerkship　salary。　　The　Secretary　of　the　Treasury；　pursuing　me
to　the　last；　drew　his　pen　through　all　the　other　items；　and　simply　marked
in　the　margin　〃Not　allowed。〃　　So；　the　dread　alternative　is　embraced　at
last。　　Repudiation　has　begun！　　The　nation　is　lost。

I　am　done　with　official　life　for　the　present。　　Let　those　clerks　who　are
willing　to　be　imposed　on　remain。　　I　know　numbers　of　them　in　the
departments　who　are　never　informed　when　there　is　to　be　a　Cabinet　meeting；
whose　advice　is　never　asked　about　war；　or　finance；　or　commerce；　by　the
heads　of　the　nation；　any　more　than　if　they　were　not　connected　with　the
government；　and　who　actually　stay　in　their　offices　day　after　day　and
work！　　They　know　their　importance　to　the　nation；　and　they　unconsciously
show　it　in　their　bearing；　and　the　way　they　order　their　sustenance　at　the
restaurantbut　they　work。　　I　know　one　who　has　to　paste　all　sorts　of
little　scraps　from　the　newspapers　into　a　scrapbooksometimes　as　many　as
eight　or　ten　scraps　a　day。　　He　doesn't　do　it　well；　but　he　does　it　as　well
as　he　can。　　It　is　very　fatiguing。　　It　is　exhausting　to　the　intellect。
Yet　he　only　gets　eighteen　hundred　dollars　a　year。　　With　a　brain　like　his；
that　young　man　could　amass　thousands　and　thousands　of　dollars　in　some
other　pursuit；　if　he　chose　to　do　it。　　But　nohis　heart　is　with　his
country；　and　he　will　serve　her　as　long　as　she　has　got　a　scrapbook　left。
And　I　know　clerks　that　don't　know　how　to　write　very　well；　but　such
knowledge　as　they　possess　they　nobly　lay　at　the　feet　of　their　country；
and　toil　on　and　suffer　for　twenty…five　hundred　dollars　a　year。　　What　they
write　has　to　be　written　over　again　by　other　clerks　sometimes；　but　when　a
man　has　done　his　best　for　his　country；　should　his　country　complain？　　Then
there　are　clerks　that　have　no　clerkships；　and　are　waiting；　and　waiting；
and　waiting　for　a　vacancywaiting　patiently　for　a　chance　to　help　their
country　outand　while　they；　are　waiting；　they　only　get　barely　two
thousand　dollars　a　year　for　it。　　It　is　sad　it　is　very；　very　sad。　　When　a
member　of　Congress　has　a　friend　who　is　gifted；　but　has　no　employment
wherein　his　great　powers　may　be　brought　to　bear；　he　confers　him　upon　his
country；　and　gives　him　a　clerkship　in　a　department。　　And　there　that　man
has　to　slave　his　life　out；　fighting　documents　for　the　benefit　of　a　nation