sketches new and old-第41章

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recumbent　sultanas；　and　the　tiresome　and　everlasting　young　girl　putting
her　grandfather's　spectacles　on；　execrated　in　my　heart　the　cheerful
canary　and　the　distracting　parrot　that　few　barbers'　shops　are　without。
Finally；　I　searched　out　the　least　dilapidated　of　last　year's　illustrated
papers　that　littered　the　foul　center…table；　and　conned　their
unjustifiable　misrepresentations　of　old　forgotten　events。

At　last　my　turn　came。　　A　voice　said　〃Next！〃　and　I　surrendered　toNo。　　2；
of　course。　　It　always　happens　so。　　I　said　meekly　that　I　was　in　a　hurry；
and　it　affected　him　as　strongly　as　if　he　had　never　heard　it。　　He　shoved
up　my　head；　and　put　a　napkin　under　it。　　He　plowed　his　fingers　into　my
collar　and　fixed　a　towel　there。　　He　explored　my　hair　with　his　claws　and
suggested　that　it　needed　trimming。　　I　said　I　did　not　want　it　trimmed。　　He
explored　again　and　said　it　was　pretty　long　for　the　present　stylebetter
have　a　little　taken　off；　it　needed　it　behind　especially。　　I　said　I　had
had　it　cut　only　a　week　before。　　He　yearned　over　it　reflectively　a　moment；
and　then　asked　with　a　disparaging　manner；　who　cut　it？　　I　came　back　at　him
promptly　with　a　〃You　did！〃　I　had　him　there。　　Then　he　fell　to　stirring　up
his　lather　and　regarding　himself　in　the　glass；　stopping　now　and　then　to
get　close　and　examine　his　chin　critically　or　inspect　a　pimple。　　Then　he
lathered　one　side　of　my　face　thoroughly；　and　was　about　to　lather　the
other；　when　a　dog…fight　attracted　his　attention；　and　he　ran　to　the　window
and　stayed　and　saw　it　out；　losing　two　shillings　on　the　result　in　bets
with　the　other　barbers；　a　thing　which　gave　me　great　satisfaction。　　He
finished　lathering；　and　then　began　to　rub　in　the　suds　with　his　hand。

He　now　began　to　sharpen　his　razor　on　an　old　suspender；　and　was　delayed　a
good　deal　on　account　of　a　controversy　about　a　cheap　masquerade　ball　he
had　figured　at　the　night　before；　in　red　cambric　and　bogus　ermine；　as　some
kind　of　a　king。　　He　was　so　gratified　with　being　chaffed　about　some　damsel
whom　he　had　smitten　with　his　charms　that　he　used　every　means　to　continue
the　controversy　by　pretending　to　be　annoyed　at　the　chaffings　of　his
fellows。　　This　matter　begot　more　surveyings　of　himself　in　the　glass；　and
he　put　down　his　razor　and　brushed　his　hair　with　elaborate　care；
plastering　an　inverted　arch　of　it　down　on　his　forehead；　accomplishing　an
accurate　〃Part〃　behind；　and　brushing　the　two　wings　forward　over　his　ears
with　nice　exactness。　　In　the　mean　time　the　lather　was　drying　on　my　face；
and　apparently　eating　into　my　vitals。

Now　he　began　to　shave；　digging　his　fingers　into　my　countenance　to　stretch
the　skin　and　bundling　and　tumbling　my　head　this　way　and　that　as
convenience　in　shaving　demanded。　　As　long　as　he　was　on　the　tough　sides　of
my　face　I　did　not　suffer；　but　when　he　began　to　rake；　and　rip；　and　tug　at
my　chin；　the　tears　came。　　He　now　made　a　handle　of　my　nose；　to　assist　him
shaving　the　corners　of　my　upper　lip；　and　it　was　by　this　bit　of
circumstantial　evidence　that　I　discovered　that　a　part　of　his　duties　in
the　shop　was　to　clean　the　kerosene…lamps。　　I　had　often　wondered　in　an
indolent　way　whether　the　barbers　did　that；　or　whether　it　was　the　boss。

About　this　time　I　was　amusing　myself　trying　to　guess　where　he　would　be
most　likely　to　cut　me　this　time；　but　he　got　ahead　of　me；　and　sliced　me　on
the　end　of　the　chin　before　I　had　got　my　mind　made　up。　　He　immediately
sharpened　his　razorhe　might　have　done　it　before。　　I　do　not　like　a　close
shave；　and　would　not　let　him　go　over　me　a　second　time。　　I　tried　to　get
him　to　put　up　his　razor；　dreading　that　he　would　make　for　the　side　of　my
chin；　my　pet　tender　spot；　a　place　which　a　razor　cannot　touch　twice
without　making　trouble；　but　he　said　he　only　wanted　to　just　smooth　off　one
little　roughness；　and　in　the　same　moment　he　slipped　his　razor　along　the
forbidden　ground；　and　the　dreaded　pimple…signs　of　a　close　shave　rose　up
smarting　and　answered　to　the　call。　　Now　he　soaked　his　towel　in　bay　rum；
and　slapped　it　all　over　my　face　nastily；　slapped　it　over　as　if　a　human
being　ever　yet　washed　his　face　in　that　way。　　Then　he　dried　it　by　slapping
with　the　dry　part　of　the　towel；　as　if　a　human　being　ever　dried　his　face
in　such　a　fashion；　but　a　barber　seldom　rubs　you　like　a　Christian。　　Next
he　poked　bay　ruin　into　the　cut　place　with　his　towel；　then　choked　the
wound　with　powdered　starch；　then　soaked　it　with　bay　rum　again；　and　would
have　gone　on　soaking　and　powdering　it　forevermore；　no　doubt；　if　I　had　not
rebelled　and　begged　off。　　He　powdered　my　whole　face　now；　straightened　me
up；　and　began　to　plow　my　hair　thoughtfully　with　his　hands。　　Then　he
suggested　a　shampoo；　and　said　my　hair　needed　it　badly；　very　badly。
I　observed　that　I　shampooed　it　myself　very　thoroughly　in　the　bath
yesterday。　　I　〃had　him〃　again。　　He　next　recommended　some　of　〃Smith's　Hair
Glorifier；〃　and　offered　to　sell　me　a　bottle。　　I　declined。　　He　praised　the
new　perfume；　〃Jones's　Delight　of　the　Toilet；〃　and　proposed　to　sell　me
some　of　that。　　I　declined　again。　　He　tendered　me　a　tooth…wash　atrocity　of
his　own　invention；　and　when　I　declined　offered　to　trade　knives　with　me。

He　returned　to　business　after　the　miscarriage　of　this　last　enterprise；
sprinkled　me　all　over；　legs　and　all；　greased　my　hair　in　defiance　of　my
protest　against　it；　rubbed　and　scrubbed　a　good　deal　of　it　out　by　the
roots；　and　combed　and　brushed　the　rest；　parting　it　behind；　and　plastering
the　eternal　inverted　arch　of　hair　down　on　my　forehead；　and　then；　while
combing　my　scant　eyebrows　and　defiling　them　with　pomade；　strung　out　an
account　of　the　achievements　of　a　six…ounce　black…and…tan　terrier　of　his
till　I　heard　the　whistles　blow　for　noon；　and　knew　I　was　five　minutes　too
late　for　the　train。　　Then　he　snatched　away　the　towel；　brushed　it　lightly
about　my　face；　passed　his　comb　through　my　eyebrows　once　more；　and　gaily
sang　out　〃　Next！〃

This　barber　fell　down　and　died　of　apoplexy　two　hours　later。　　I　am　waiting
over　a　day　for　my　revengeI　am　going　to　attend　his　funeral。






〃PARTY　CRIES〃　IN　IRELAND

Belfast　is　a　peculiarly　religious　community。　　This　may　be　said　of　the
whole　of　the　North　of　Ireland。　　About　one…half　of　the　people　are
Protestants　and　the　other　half　Catholics。　　Each　party　does　all　it　can　to
make　its　own　doctrines　popular　and　draw　the　affections　of　the　irreligious
toward　them。　　One　hears　constantly　of　the　most　touching　instances　of　this
zeal。　　A　week　ago　a　vast　concourse　of　Catholics　assembled　at　Armagh　to
dedicate　a　new　Cathedral；　and　when　they　started　home　again　the　roadways
were　lined　with　groups　of　meek　and　lowly　Protestants　who　stoned　them　till
all　the　region　round　about　was　marked　with　blood。　　I　thought　that　only
Catholics　argued　in　that　way；　but　it　seems　to　be　a　mistake。

Every　man　in　the　community　is　a　missionary　and　carries　a　brick　to
admonish　the　erring　with。　　The　law　has　tried　to　break　this　up；　but　not
with　perfect　success。　　It　has　decreed　that　irritating　〃party　cries〃　shall
not　be　indulged　in；　and　that　persons　uttering　them　shall　be　fined　forty
shillings　and　costs。　　And　so；　in　the　police　court　reports　every　day；　one
sees　these　fines　recorded。　　Last　week　a　girl　of　twelve　years　old　was
fined　the　usual　forty　shillings　and　costs　for　proclaiming　in　the　public
streets　that　she　was　〃a　Protestant。〃　　The　usual　cry　is；　〃To　hell　with　the
Pope！〃　or　〃To　hell　with　the　Protestants！〃　according　to　the　utterer's
system　of　salvation。

One　of　Belfast's　local　jokes　was　very　good。　　It　referred　to　the　uniform
and　inevitable　fine　of　forty　shillings　and　costs　for　uttering　a　party
cryand　it　is　no　economical　fine　for　a　poor　man；　either；　by　the　way。
They　say　that　a　policeman　found　a　drunken　man　lying　on　the　ground；　up　a
dark　alley；　entertaining　himself　with　shouting；　〃To　hell　with！〃　　〃To　hell
with！〃　　The　officer　smelt　a　fineinformers　get　half。

〃What's　that　you　say？〃

〃To　hell　with！〃

〃To　hell　with　who？　　To　hell　with　what？〃

〃Ah；　bedad；　ye　can　finish　it　yourselfit's　too　expansive　for　me！〃

I　think　the　seditious　disposition；　restrained　by　the　economical　instinct；
is　finely　put　in　that。






THE　FACTS　CONCERNING　THE　RECENT　RESIGNATION

WASHINGTON；　December；　1867。

I　have　resigned。　　The　government　appears　to　go　on　much　the　same；　but
there　is　a　spoke　out　of　its　wheel；　nevertheless。　　I　was　clerk　of　the
Senate　Committee　on　Conchology；　and　I　have　thrown　up　the　position。
I　could　see　the　plainest　disposition　on　the　part　of　the　other　members　of
the　government　to　debar　me　from　having　any　voice　in　the　counsels　of　the
nation；　and　so　I　could　no　longer　hold　office　and　retain　my　self…respect。
If　I　were　to　detail　all　the　outrages　that　were　heaped　upon　me　during　the
six　days　that　I　was　connected　with　the　government　in　an　official
capacity；　the　narrative　would　fill　a　volume。　　They　appointed　me　clerk　of
that　Committee　on　Conchology　and　then　allowed　me　no　amanuensis　to　play
billiards　with。　　I　would　have　borne　that；　lonesome　as　it　was；　if　I　had
met　with　that　courtesy　from　the　other　members　of　the　Cabinet　which　was　my
due。　　But　I　did　not。　　Whenever　I　observed　that　the　head　of　a　department
was　pursuing　a　wrong　course；　I　laid　down　everything　and　went　and　tried　to
set　him　right；　as　it　was　my　duty　to　do；　and　I　never　was　thanked　for　it　in
a　single　instance。　　I　went；　with　the　best　intentions　in　the　world；　to　the
Secretary　of　the　Navy；　and　said：

〃Sir；　I　cannot　see　that　Admiral　Farragut　is　doing　anything　but
skirmishing　around　there　in　Europe；　having　a　sort　of　picnic。　　Now；　that
may　be　all　very　well；　but　it　does　not　exhibit　itself　to　me　in　that　light。
If　there　is　no　fighting　for　him　to　do；　let　him　come　home。　　There　is　no
use　in　a　man　having　a　whole　fleet　for　a　pleasure　excursion。　　It　is　too
expensive。　　Mind；　I　do　not　object　to　pleasure　excursions　for　the　naval
officerspleasure　excursions　that　are　in　reasonpleasure　excursions
that　are　economical。　　Now；　they　might　go　down　the　Mississippi
on　a　raft〃

You　ought　to　have　heard　him　storm！　　One　would　have　supposed　I　had
committed　a　crime　of　some　kind。　　But　I　didn't　mind。　　I　said　it　was　cheap；
and　full　of　republican　simplicity；　and　perfectly　safe。　　I　said　that；　for
a　tranquil　pleasure　excursion；　there　was　nothing　equal　to　a　raft。

Then　the　Secretary　of　the　Navy　asked　me　who　I　was；　and　when　I　told　him　I
was　connected　with　the　government；　he　wanted　to　know　in　what　capacity。　　I
said　that；　without　remarking　upon　the　singularity　of　such　a　question；
coming；　as　it　did；　from　a　member　of　that　same　government；　I　would　inform
him　that　I　was　clerk　of　the　Senate　Committee　on　Conchology。　　Then　there
was　a　fine　storm！　　He　finished　by　ordering　me　to　leave　the　premises；　and
give　my　attention　strictly　to　my　own　business　in　future。　　My　first
impulse　was　to　get　him　removed。　　However；　that　would　harm　others　besides
himself；　and　do　me　no　real　good；　and　so　I　let　him　stay。

I　went　next　to　the　Secretary　of　War；　who　was　not　inclined　to　see　me　at
all　until　he　learned　that　I　was　connected　with　the　government。　　If　I　had
not　been　on　important　business；　I　suppose　I　could　not　have　got　in。
I　asked　him　for　alight　（he　was　smoking　at　the　time）；　and　then　I　told　him
I　had　no　fault　to　find　with　his　defending　the　parole　stipulations　of
General　Lee　and　his　comrades　in　arms；　but　that　I　could　not　approve　of　hi