sketches new and old-第40章

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waiter　for　it；　which　waiter　will　expect　you　to　pay　him　something。　　In
which　case　I　suppose　the　degraded　creatures　divide。

They　keep　always　trying　to　make　your　bed　before　you　get　up；　thus
destroying　your　rest　and　inflicting　agony　upon　you；　but　after　you　get　up；
they　don't　come　any　more　till　next　day。

They　do　all　the　mean　things　they　can　think　of；　and　they　do　them　just　out
of　pure　cussedness；　and　nothing　else。

Chambermaids　are　dead　to　every　human　instinct。

If　I　can　get　a　bill　through　the　legislature　abolishing　chambermaids；　I
mean　to　do　it。






AURELIA'S　UNFORTUNATE　YOUNG　MAN　＇Written　about　1865。＇

The　facts　in　the　following　case　came　to　me　by　letter　from　a　young　lady
who　lives　in　the　beautiful　city　of　San　Jose；　she　is　perfectly　unknown　to
me；　and　simply　signs　herself　〃Aurelia　Maria；〃　which　may　possibly　be　a
fictitious　name。　　But　no　matter；　the　poor　girl　is　almost　heartbroken　by
the　misfortunes　she　has　undergone；　and　so　confused　by　the　conflicting
counsels　of　misguided　friends　and　insidious　enemies　that　she　does　not
know　what　course　to　pursue　in　order　to　extricate　herself　from　the　web　of
difficulties　in　which　she　seems　almost　hopelessly　involved。　　In　this
dilemma　she　turns　to　me　for　help；　and　supplicates　for　my　guidance　and
instruction　with　a　moving　eloquence　that　would　touch　the　heart　of　a
statue。　　Hear　her　sad　story：

She　says　that　when　she　was　sixteen　years　old　she　met　and　loved；　with　all
the　devotion　of　a　passionate　nature；　a　young　man　from　New　Jersey；　named
Williamson　Breckinridge　Caruthers；　who　was　some　six　years　her　senior。
They　were　engaged；　with　the　free　consent　of　their　friends　and　relatives；
and　for　a　time　it　seemed　as　if　their　career　was　destined　to；　be
characterized　by　an　immunity　from　sorrow　beyond　the　usual　lot　of
humanity。　　But　at　last　the　tide　of　fortune　turned；　young　Caruthers　became
infect　with　smallpox　of　the　most　virulent　type；　and　when　he　recovered
from　his　illness　his　face　was　pitted　like　a　waffle…mold；　and　his
comeliness　gone　forever。　　Aurelia　thought　to　break　off　the　engagement　at
first；　but　pity　for　her　unfortunate　lover　caused　her　to　postpone　the
marriage…day　for　a　season；　and　give　him　another　trial。

The　very　day　before　the　wedding　was　to　have　taken　place；　Breckinridge；
while　absorbed　in　watching　the　flight　of　a　balloon；　walked　into　a　well
and　fractured　one　of　his　legs；　and　it　had　to　be　taken　off　above　the　knee。
Again　Aurelia　was　moved　to　break　the　engagement；　but　again　love
triumphed；　and　she　set　the　day　forward　and　gave　him　another　chance　to
reform。

And　again　misfortune　overtook　the　unhappy　youth。　　He　lost　one　arm　by　the
premature　discharge　of　a　Fourth　of　July　cannon；　and　within　three　months
he　got　the　other　pulled　out　by　a　carding…machine。　　Aurelia's　heart　was
almost　crushed　by　these　latter　calamities。　　She　could　not　but　be　deeply
grieved　to　see　her　lover　passing　from　her　by　piecemeal；　feeling；　as　she
did；　that　he　could　not　last　forever　under　this　disastrous　process　of
reduction；　yet　knowing　of　no　way　to　stop　its　dreadful　career；　and　in　her
tearful　despair　she　almost　regretted；　like　brokers　who　hold　on　and　lose；
that　she　had　not　taken　him　at　first；　before　he　had　suffered　such　an
alarming　depreciation。　　Still；　her　brave　soul　bore　her　up；　and　she
resolved　to　bear　with　her　friend's　unnatural　disposition　yet　a　little
longer。

Again　the　wedding…day　approached；　and　again　disappointment　overshadowed
it；　Caruthers　fell　ill　with　the　erysipelas；　and　lost　the　use　of　one　of
his　eyes　entirely。　　The　friends　and　relatives　of　the　bride；　considering
that　she　had　already　put　up　with　more　than　could　reasonably　be　expected
of　her；　now　came　forward　and　insisted　that　the　match　should　be　broken
off；　but　after　wavering　awhile；　Aurelia；　with　a　generous　spirit　which　did
her　credit；　said　she　had　reflected　calmly　upon　the　matter；　and　could　not
discover　that　Breckinridge　was　to　blame。

So　she　extended　the　time　once　more；　and　he　broke　his　other　leg。

It　was　a　sad　day　for　the　poor　girl　when；　she　saw　the　surgeons　reverently
bearing　away　the　sack　whose　uses　she　had　learned　by　previous　experience；
and　her　heart　told　her　the　bitter　truth　that　some　more　of　her　lover　was
gone。　　She　felt　that　the　field　of　her　affections　was　growing　more　and
more　circumscribed　every　day；　but　once　more　she　frowned　down　her
relatives　and　renewed　her　betrothal。

Shortly　before　the　time　set　for　the　nuptials　another　disaster　occurred。
There　was　but　one　man　scalped　by　the　Owens　River　Indians　last　year。　　That
man　was　Williamson　Breckinridge　Caruthers　of　New　Jersey。　　He　was　hurrying
home　with　happiness　in　his　heart；　when　he　lost　his　hair　forever；　and　in
that　hour　of　bitterness　he　almost　cursed　the　mistaken　mercy　that　had
spared　his　head。

At　last　Aurelia　is　in　serious　perplexity　as　to　what　she　ought　to　do。　　She
still　loves　her　Breckinridge；　she　writes；　with　truly　womanly　feelingshe
still　loves　what　is　left　of　him　but　her　parents　are　bitterly　opposed　to
the　match；　because　he　has　no　property　and　is　disabled　from　working；　and
she　has　not　sufficient　means　to　support　both　comfortably。　　〃Now；　what
should　she　do？〃　she　asked　with　painful　and　anxious　solicitude。

It　is　a　delicate　question；　it　is　one　which　involves　the　lifelong
happiness　of　a　woman；　and　that　of　nearly　two…thirds　of　a　man；　and　I　feel
that　it　would　be　assuming　too　great　a　responsibility　to　do　more　than　make
a　mere　suggestion　in　the　case。　　How　would　it　do　to　build　to　him？　　If
Aurelia　can　afford　the　expense；　let　her　furnish　her　mutilated　lover　with
wooden　arms　and　wooden　legs；　and　a　glass　eye　and　a　wig；　and　give　him
another　show；　give　him　ninety　days；　without　grace；　and　if　he　does　not
break　his　neck　in　the　mean　time；　marry　him　and　take　the　chances。　　It　does
not　seem　to　me　that　there　is　much　risk；　anyway；　Aurelia；　because　if　he
sticks　to　his　singular　propensity　for　damaging　himself　every　time　he　sees
a　good　opportunity；　his　next　experiment　is　bound　to　finish　him；　and　then
you　are　safe；　married　or　single。　　If　married；　the　wooden　legs　and　such
other　valuables　as　he　may　possess　revert　to　the　widow；　and　you　see　you
sustain　no　actual　loss　save　the　cherished　fragment　of　a　noble　but　most
unfortunate　husband；　who　honestly　strove　to　do　right；　but　whose
extraordinary　instincts　were　against　him。　　Try　it；　Maria。　I　have　thought
the　matter　over　carefully　and　well；　and　it　is　the　only　chance　I　see　for
you。　　It　would　have　been　a　happy　conceit　on　the　part　of　Caruthers　if　he
had　started　with　his　neck　and　broken　that　first；　but　since　he　has　seen
fit　to　choose　a　different　policy　and　string　himself　out　as　long　as
possible；　I　do　not　think　we　ought　to　upbraid　him　for　it　if　he　has　enjoyed
it。　　We　must　do　the　best　we　can　under　the　circumstances；　and　try　not　to
feel　exasperated　at　him。






〃AFTER〃　JENKINS

A　grand　affair　of　a　ballthe　Pioneers'came　off　at　the　Occidental　some
time　ago。　　The　following　notes　of　the　costumes　worn　by　the　belles　of　the
occasion　may　not　be　uninteresting　to　the　general　reader；　and　Jerkins　may
get　an　idea　therefrom：

Mrs。　W。　M。　was　attired　in　an　elegant　'pate　de　foie　gras；'　made　expressly
for　her；　and　was　greatly　admired。　　Miss　S。　had　her　hair　done　up。　　She　was
the　center　of　attraction　for　the　envy　of　all　the　ladies。　　Mrs。　G。　W。　was
tastefully　dressed　in　a　'tout　ensemble；'　and　was　greeted　with　deafening
applause　wherever　she　went。　　Mrs。　C。　N。　was　superbly　arrayed　in　white　kid
gloves。　　Her　modest　and　engaging　manner　accorded　well　with　the
unpretending　simplicity　of　her　costume　and　caused　her　to　be　regarded　with
absorbing　interest　by　every　one。

The　charming　Miss　M。　M。　B。　appeared　in　a　thrilling　waterfall；　whose
exceeding　grace　and　volume　compelled　the　homage　of　pioneers　and　emigrants
alike。　　How　beautiful　she　was！

The　queenly　Mrs。　L。　R。　　was　attractively　attired　in　her　new　and　beautiful
false　teeth；　and　the　'bon　jour'　effect　they　naturally　produced　was
heightened　by　her　enchanting　and　well…sustained　smile。

Miss　R。　P。；　with　that　repugnance　to　ostentation　in　dress　which　is　so
peculiar　to　her；　was　attired　in　a　simple　white　lace　collar；　fastened　with
a　neat　pearl…button　solitaire。　　The　fine　contrast　between　the　sparkling
vivacity　of　her　natural　optic；　and　the　steadfast　attentiveness　of　her
placid　glass　eye；　was　the　subject　of　general　and　enthusiastic　remark。

Miss　C。　L。　B。　　had　her　fine　nose　elegantly　enameled；　and　the　easy　grace
with　which　she　blew　it　from　time　to　time　marked　her　as　a　cultivated　and
accomplished　woman　of　the　world；　its　exquisitely　modulated　tone　excited
the　admiration　of　all　who　had　the　happiness　to　hear　it。






ABOUT　BARBERS

All　things　change　except　barbers；　the　ways　of　barbers；　and　the
surroundings　of　barbers。　　These　never　change。　　What　one　experiences　in　a
barber's　shop　the　first　time　he　enters　one　is　what　he　always　experiences
in　barbers'　shops　afterward　till　the　end　of　his　days。　　I　got　shaved　this
morning　as　usual。　　A　man　approached　the　door　from　Jones　Street　as　I
approached　it　from　Maina　thing　that　always　happens。　　I　hurried　up；　but
it　was　of　no　use；　he　entered　the　door　one　little　step　ahead　of　me；　and　I
followed　in　on　his　heels　and　saw　him　take　the　only　vacant　chair；　the　one
presided　over　by　the　best　barber。　　It　always　happens　so。　　I　sat　down；
hoping　that　I　might　fall　heir　to　the　chair　belonging　to　the　better　of　the
remaining　two　barbers；　for　he　had　already　begun　combing　his　man's　hair；
while　his　comrade　was　not　yet　quite　done　rubbing　up　and　oiling　his
customer's　locks。　　I　watched　the　probabilities　with　strong　interest。
When　I　saw　that　No。　2　was　gaining　on　No。　1　my　interest　grew　to
solicitude。　　When　No。　1　stopped　a　moment　to　make　change　on　a　bath　ticket
for　a　new…comer；　and　lost　ground　in　the　race；　my　solicitude　rose　to
anxiety。　　When　No。　1　caught　up　again；　and　both　he　and　his　comrade　were
pulling　the　towels　away　and　brushing　the　powder　from　their　customers'
cheeks；　and　it　was　about　an　even　thing　which　one　would　say　〃Next！〃　first；
my　very　breath　stood　still　with　the　suspense。　　But　when　at　the
culminating　moment　No。　1　stopped　to　pass　a　comb　a　couple　of　times　through
his　customer's　eyebrows；　I　saw　that　he　had　lost　the　race　by　a　single
instant；　and　I　rose　indignant　and　quitted　the　shop；　to　keep　from　falling
into　the　hands　of　No。　2　；　for　I　have　none　of　that　enviable　firmness　that
enables　a　man　to　look　calmly　into　the　eyes　of　a　waiting　barber　and　tell
him　he　will　wait　for　his　fellow…barber's　chair。

I　stayed　out　fifteen　minutes；　and　then　went　back；　hoping　for　better　luck。
Of　course　all　the　chairs　were　occupied　now；　and　four　men　sat　waiting；
silent；　unsociable；　distraught；　and　looking　bored；　as　men　always　do　who
are　waiting　their　turn　in　a　barber's　shop。　　I　sat　down　in　one　of　the
iron…armed　compartments　of　an　old　sofa；　and　put　in　the　time　far　a　while
reading　the　framed　advertisements　of　all　sorts　of　quack　nostrums　for
dyeing　and　coloring　the　hair。　　Then　I　read　the　greasy　names　on　the
private　bayrum　bottles；　read　the　names　and　noted　the　numbers　on　the
private　shaving…cups　in　the　pigeonholes；　studied　the　stained　and　damaged
cheap　prints　on　the　walls；　of　battles；　early　Presidents；　and　voluptuous
recumbent　sultanas；　and　the　tiresome　and　everlasting　young　girl　putting
her　grandfather's　spectacles　on；　exec