sketches new and old-第39章

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table　in　the　〃Eagle　Restaurant；〃　and；　as　I　unfolded　the　shred　they　used
to　call　a　napkin　in　that　establishment；　I　saw　at　the　next　table　two
stalwart　innocents　with　that　sort　of　vegetable　dandruff　sprinkled　about
their　clothing　which　was　the　sign　and　evidence　that　they　were　in　from　the
Truckee　with　a　load　of　hay。　　The　one　facing　me　had　the　morning　paper
folded　to　a　long；　narrow　strip；　and　I　knew；　without　any　telling；　that
that　strip　represented　the　column　that　contained　my　pleasant　financial
satire。　　From　the　way　he　was　excitedly　mumbling；　I　saw　that　the　heedless
son　of　a　hay…mow　was　skipping　with　all　his　might；　in　order　to　get　to　the
bloody　details　as　quickly　as　possible；　and　so　he　was　missing　the　guide…
boards　I　had　set　up　to　warn　him　that　the　whole　thing　was　a　fraud。
Presently　his　eyes　spread　wide　open；　just　as　his　jaws　swung　asunder　to
take　in　a　potato　approaching　it　on　a　fork；　the　potato　halted；　the　face
lit　up　redly；　and　the　whole　man　was　on　fire　with　excitement。　　Then　he
broke　into　a　disjointed　checking　off　of　the　particularshis　potato
cooling　in　mid…air　meantime；　and　his　mouth　making　a　reach　for　it
occasionally；　but　always　bringing　up　suddenly　against　a　new　and　still
more　direful　performance　of　my　hero。　　At　last　he　looked　his　stunned　and
rigid　comrade　impressively　in　the　face；　and　said；　with　an　expression　of
concentrated　awe：

〃Jim；　he　b'iled　his　baby；　and　he　took　the　old　'oman's　skelp。　　Cuss'd　if　I
want　any　breakfast！〃

And　he　laid　his　lingering　potato　reverently　down；　and　he　and　his　friend
departed　from　the　restaurant　empty　but　satisfied。

He　never　got　down　to　where　the　satire　part　of　it　began。　　Nobody　ever　did。
They　found　the　thrilling　particulars　sufficient。　　To　drop　in　with　a　poor
little　moral　at　the　fag…end　of　such　a　gorgeous　massacre　was　like
following　the　expiring　sun　with　a　candle　and　hope　to　attract　the　world's
attention　to　it。

The　idea　that　anybody　could　ever　take　my　massacre　for　a　genuine
occurrence　never　once　suggested　itself　to　me；　hedged　about　as　it　was　by
all　those　telltale　absurdities　and　impossibilities　concerning　the　〃great
pine　forest；〃　the　〃dressed…stone　mansion；〃　etc。　　But　I　found　out　then；
and　never　have　forgotten　since；　that　we　never　read　the　dull　explanatory
surroundings　of　marvelously　exciting　things　when　we　have　no　occasion　to
suppose　that　some　irresponsible　scribbler　is　trying　to　defraud　us；　we
skip　all　that；　and　hasten　to　revel　in　the　blood…curdling　particulars　and
be　happy。







THE　UNDERTAKER'S　CHAT

〃Now　that　corpse；〃　said　the　undertaker；　patting　the　folded　hands　of
deceased　approvingly；　was　a　brick…every　way　you　took　him　he　was　a　brick。
He　was　so　real　accommodating；　and　so　modest…like　and　simple　in　his　last
moments。　　Friends　wanted　metallic　burial…casenothing　else　would　do。
I　couldn't　get　it。　　There　warn't　going　to　be　timeanybody　could　see
that。

〃Corpse　said　never　mind；　shake　him　up　some　kind　of　a　box　he　could　stretch
out　in　comfortable；　he　warn't　particular　'bout　the　general　style　of　it。
Said　he　went　more　on　room　than　style；　anyway　in　a　last　final　container。

〃Friends　wanted　a　silver　door…plate　on　the　coffin；　signifying　who　he　was
and　wher'　he　was　from。　　Now　you　know　a　fellow　couldn't　roust　out　such　a
gaily　thing　as　that　in　a　little　country…town　like　this。　　What　did　corpse
say？

〃Corpse　said；　whitewash　his　old　canoe　and　dob　his　address　and　general
destination　onto　it　with　a　blacking…brush　and　a　stencil…plate；　'long　with
a　verse　from　some　likely　hymn　or　other；　and　pint　him　for　the　tomb；　and
mark　him　C。　O。　D。；　and　just　let　him　flicker。　　He　warn't　distressed　any
more　than　you　beon　the　contrary；　just　as　ca；'m　and　collected　as　a
hearse…horse；　said　he　judged　that　wher'　he　was　going　to　a　body　would　find
it　considerable　better　to　attract　attention　by　a　picturesque　moral
character　than　a　natty　burial…case　with　a　swell　door…plate　on　it。

〃Splendid　man；　he　was。　　I'd　druther　do　for　a　corpse　like　that　'n　any　I've
tackled　in　seven　year。　　There's　some　satisfaction　in　buryin'　a　man　like
that。　　You　feel　that　what　you're　doing　is　appreciated。　　Lord　bless　you；
so's　he　got　planted　before　he　sp'iled；　he　was　perfectly　satisfied；　said
his　relations　meant　well；　perfectly　well；　but　all　them　preparations　was
bound　to　delay　the　thing　more　or　less；　and　he　didn't　wish　to　be　kept
layin'　around。　　You　never　see　such　a　clear　head　as　what　he　hadand　so
ca；'m　and　so　cool。　　Jist　a　hunk　of　brainsthat　is　what　he　was。
Perfectly　awful。　　It　was　a　ripping　distance　from　one　end　of　that　man's
head　to　t'other。　　Often　and　over　again　he's　had　brain…fever　a…raging　in
one　place；　and　the　rest　of　the　pile　didn't　know　anything　about　itdidn't
affect　it　any　more　than　an　Injun　Insurrection　in　Arizona　affects　the
Atlantic　States。　　〃Well；　the　relations　they　wanted　a　big　funeral；　but
corpse　said　he　was　down　on　flummerydidn；'t　want　any　processionfill
the　hearse　full　of　mourners；　and　get　out　a　stern　line　and　tow　him　behind。
He　was　the　most　down　on　style　of　any　remains　I　ever　struck。　　A　beautiful；
simpleminded　creature　it　was　what　he　was；　you　can　depend　on　that。　　He　was
just　set　on　having　things　the　way　he　wanted　them；　and　he　took　a　solid
comfort　in　laying　his　little　plans。　　He　had　me　measure　him　and　take　a
whole　raft　of　directions；　then　he　had　the　minister　stand　up　behind　along
box　with　a　tablecloth　over　it；　to　represent　the　coffin；　and　read　his
funeral　sermon；　saying　'Angcore；　angcore！'　at　the　good　places；　and　making
him　scratch　out　every　bit　of　brag　about　him；　and　all　the　hifalutin；　and
then　he　made　them　trot　out　the　choir；　so's　he　could　help　them　pick　out
the　tunes　for　the　occasion；　and　he　got　them　to　sing　'Pop　Goes　the
Weasel；'　because　he'd　always　liked　that　tune　when　he　was　downhearted；　and
solemn　music　made　him　sad；　and　when　they　sung　that　with　tears　in　their
eyes　（because　they　all　loved　him）；　and　his　relations　grieving　around；　he
just　laid　there　as　happy　as　a　bug；　and　trying　to　beat　time　and　showing
all　over　how　much　he　enjoyed　it；　and　presently　he　got　worked　up　and
excited；　and　tried　to　join　in；　for；　mind　you；　he　was　pretty　proud　of　his
abilities　in　the　singing　line；　but　the　first　time　he　opened　his　mouth　and
was　just　going　to　spread　himself　his　breath　took　a　walk。

〃I　never　see　a　man　snuffed　out　so　sudden。　　Ah；　it　was　a　great　lossa；
powerful　loss　to　this　poor　little　one…horse　town。　　Well；　well；　well；　I
hain't　got　time　to　be　palavering　along　heregot　to　nail　on　the　lid　and
mosey　along　with　him；　and　if　you'll　just　give　me　a　lift　we'll　skeet　him
into　the　hearse　and　meander　along。　　Relations　bound　to　have　it　sodon't
pay　no　attention　to　dying　injunctions；　minute　a　corpse's　gone；　but；　if　I
had　my　way；　if　I　didn't　respect　his　last　wishes　and　tow　him　behind　the
hearse　I'll　be　cuss'd。　　I　consider　that　whatever　a　corpse　wants　done　for
his　comfort　is　little　enough　matter；　and　a　man　hain't　got　no　right　to
deceive　him　or　take　advantage　of　him；　and　whatever　a　corpse　trusts　me　to
do　I'm　a…going　to　do；　you　know；　even　if　it's　to　stuff　him　and　paint　him
yaller　and　keep　him　for　a　keepsakeyou　hear　me！〃

He　cracked　his　whip　and　went　lumbering　away　with　his　ancient　ruin　of　a
hearse；　and　I　continued　my　walk　with　a　valuable　lesson　learnedthat　a
healthy　and　wholesome　cheerfulness　is　not　necessarily　impossible　to　any
occupation。　　The　lesson　is　likely　to　be　lasting；　for　it　will　take　many
months　to　obliterate　the　memory　of　the　remarks　and　circumstances　that
impressed　it。






CONCERNING　CHAMBERMAIDS

Against　all　chambermaids；　of　whatsoever　age　or　nationality；　I　launch　the
curse　of　bachelordom！　　Because：

They　always　put　the　pillows　at　the　opposite　end　of　the　bed　from　the　gas…
burner；　so　that　while　you　read　and　smoke　before　sleeping　（as　is　the
ancient　and　honored　custom　of　bachelors）；　you　have　to　hold　your　book
aloft；　in　an　uncomfortable　position；　to　keep　the　light　from　dazzling　your
eyes。

When　they　find　the　pillows　removed　to　the　other　end　of　the　bed　in　the
morning；　they　receive　not　the　suggestion　in　a　friendly　spirit；　but；
glorying　in　their　absolute　sovereignty；　and　unpitying　your　helplessness；
they　make　the　bed　just　as　it　was　originally；　and　gloat　in　secret　over　the
pang　their　tyranny　will　cause　you。

Always　after　that；　when　they　find　you　have　transposed　the　pillows；　they
undo　your　work；　and　thus　defy　and　seek　to　embitter　the　life　that　God　has
given　you。

If　they　cannot　get　the　light　in　an　inconvenient　position　any　other　way；
they　move　the　bed。

If　you　pull　your　trunk　out　six　inches　from　the　wall；　so　that　the　lid　will
stay　up　when　you　open　it；　they　always　shove　that　trunk　back　again。　　They
do　it　on　purpose。

If　you　want　the　spittoon　in　a　certain　spot；　where　it　will　be　handy；　they
don't；　and　so　they　move　it。

They　always　put　your　other　boots　into　inaccessible　places。　　They　chiefly
enjoy　depositing　them　as　far　under　the　bed　as　the　wall　will　permit。　　It
is　because　this　compels　you　to　get　down　in　an　undignified　attitude　and
make　wild　sweeps　for　them　in　the　dark　with　the　bootjack；　and　swear。

They　always　put　the　matchbox　in　some　other　place。　　They　hunt　up　a　new
place　for　it　every　day；　and　put　up　a　bottle；　or　other　perishable　glass
thing；　where　the　box　stood　before。　　This　is　to　cause　you　to　break　that
glass　thing；　groping　in　the　dark；　and　get　yourself　into　trouble。

They　are　for　ever　and　ever　moving　the　furniture。　　When　you　come　in　in　the
night　you　can　calculate　on　finding　the　bureau　where　the　wardrobe　was　in
the　morning。　　And　when　you　go　out　in　the　morning；　if　you　leave　the　slop…
bucket　by　the　door　and　rocking…chair　by　the　window；　when　you　come　in　at
midnight　or　thereabout；　you　will　fall　over　that　rocking…chair；　and　you
will　proceed　toward　the　window　and　sit　down　in　that　slop…tub。　　This　will
disgust　you。　　They　like　that。

No　matter　where　you　put　anything；　they　are　not　going　to　let　it　stay
there。　　They　will　take　it　and　move　it　the　first　chance　they　get。　　It　is
their　nature。　　And；　besides；　it　gives　them　pleasure　to　be　mean　and
contrary　this　way。　　They　would　die　if　they　couldn't　be　villains。

They　always　save　up　all　the　old　scraps　of　printed　rubbish　you　throw　on
the　floor；　and　stack　them　up　carefully　on　the　table；　and　start　the　fire
with　your　valuable　manuscripts。　　If　there　is　any　one　particular　old　scrap
that　you　are　more　down　on　than　any　other；　and　which　you　are　gradually
wearing　your　life　out　trying　to　get　rid　of；　you　may　take　all　the　pains
you　possibly　can　in　that　direction；　but　it　won't　be　of　any　use；　because
they　will　always　fetch　that　old　scrap　back　and　put　it　in　the　same　old
place　again　every　time。　　It　does　them　good。

And　they　use　up　more　hair…oil　than　any　six　men。　　If　charged　with
purloining　the　same；　they　lie　about　it。　　What　do　they　care　about　a
hereafter？　　Absolutely　nothing。

If　you　leave　the　key　in　the　door　for　convenience'　sake；　they　will　carry
it　down　to　the　office　and　give　it　to　the　clerk。　　They　do　this　under　the
vile　pretense　of　trying　to　protect　your　property　from　thieves；　but
actually　they　do　it　because　they　want　to　make　you　tramp　back　down…stairs
after　it　when　you　come　home　tired；　or　put　you　to　the　trouble　of　sending　a
waiter　for　it；　which　waiter　will　expect　you　to　pay　him　something。　　In
which　case　I　suppose　the　degraded　creatures　divide。

They　keep　always　tr