sketches new and old-第38章

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agriculture　as　a　temporary　reprieve　from　the　poorhouse。　　You　try　to　tell
me　anything　about　the　newspaper　business！　　Sir；　I　have　been　through　it
from　Alpha　to　Omaha；　and　I　tell　you　that　the　less　a　man　knows　the　bigger
the　noise　he　makes　and　the　higher　the　salary　he　commands。　　Heaven　knows
if　I　had　but　been　ignorant　instead　of　cultivated；　and　impudent　instead　of
diffident；　I　could　have　made　a　name　for　myself　in　this　cold；　selfish
world。　　I　take　my　leave；　sir。　　Since　I　have　been　treated　as　you　have
treated　me；　I　am　perfectly　willing　to　go。　　But　I　have　done　my　duty。　　I
have　fulfilled　my　contract　as　far　as　I　was　permitted　to　do　it。　　I　said　I
could　make　your　paper　of　interest　to　all　classesand　I　have。　　I　said　I
could　run　your　circulation　up　to　twenty　thousand　copies；　and　if　I　had　had
two　more　weeks　I'd　have　done　it。　　And　I'd　have　given　you　the　best　class
of　readers　that　ever　an　agricultural　paper　hadnot　a　farmer　in　it；　nor　a
solitary　individual　who　could　tell　a　watermelon…tree　from　a　peach…vine　to
save　his　life。　　You　are　the　loser　by　this　rupture；　not　me；　Pie…plant。
Adios。〃

I　then　left。






THE　PETRIFIED　MAN

Now；　to　show　how　really　hard　it　is　to　foist　a　moral　or　a　truth　upon　an
unsuspecting　public　through　a　burlesque　without　entirely　and　absurdly
missing　one's　mark；　I　will　here　set　down　two　experiences　of　my　own　in
this　thing。　　In　the　fall　of　1862；　in　Nevada　and　California；　the　people
got　to　running　wild　about　extraordinary　petrifactions　and　other　natural
marvels。　　One　could　scarcely　pick　up　a　paper　without　finding　in　it　one　or
two　glorified　discoveries　of　this　kind。　　The　mania　was　becoming　a　little
ridiculous。　　I　was　a　brand…new　local　editor　in　Virginia　City；　and　I　felt
called　upon　to　destroy　this　growing　evil；　we　all　have　our　benignant；
fatherly　moods　at　one　time　or　another；　I　suppose。　　I　chose　to　kill　the
petrifaction　mania　with　a　delicate；　a　very　delicate　satire。　　But　maybe　it
was　altogether　too　delicate；　for　nobody　ever　perceived　the　satire　part　of
it　at　all。　　I　put　my　scheme　in　the　shape　of　the　discovery　of　a　remarkably
petrified　man。

I　had　had　a　temporary　falling　out　with　Mr。；　the　new　coroner　and
justice　of　the　peace　of　Humboldt；　and　thought　I　might　as　well　touch　him
up　a　little　at　the　same　time　and　make　him　ridiculous；　and　thus　combine
pleasure　with　business。　　So　I　told；　in　patient；　belief…compelling　detail；
all　about　the　finding　of　a　petrified…man　at　Gravelly　Ford　（exactly　a
hundred　and　twenty　miles；　over　a　breakneck　mountain　trail　from　where　
lived）；　how　all　the　savants　of　the　immediate　neighborhood　had　been　to
examine　it　（it　was　notorious　that　there　was　not　a　living　creature　within
fifty　miles　of　there；　except　a　few　starving　Indians；　some　crippled
grasshoppers；　and　four　or　five　buzzards　out　of　meat　and　too　feeble　to　get
away）；　how　those　savants　all　pronounced　the　petrified　man　to　have　been　in
a　state　of　complete　petrifaction　for　over　ten　generations；　and　then；　with
a　seriousness　that　I　ought　to　have　been　ashamed　to　assume；　I　stated　that
as　soon　as　Mr。　heard　the　news　he　summoned　a　jury；　mounted　his　mule；
and　posted　off；　with　noble　reverence　for　official　duty；　on　that　awful
five　days'　journey；　through　alkali；　sage　brush；　peril　of　body；　and
imminent　starvation；　to　hold　an　inquest　on　this　man　that　had　been　dead
and　turned　to　everlasting　stone　for　more　than　three　hundred　years！
And　then；　my　hand　being　〃in；〃　so　to　speak；　I　went　on；　with　the　same
unflinching　gravity；　to　state　that　the　jury　returned　a　verdict　that
deceased　came　to　his　death　from　protracted　exposure。　　This　only　moved　me
to　higher　flights　of　imagination；　and　I　said　that　the　jury；　with　that
charity　so　characteristic　of　pioneers；　then　dug　a　grave；　and　were　about
to　give　the　petrified　man　Christian　burial；　when　they　found　that　for　ages
a　limestone　sediment　had　been　trickling　down　the　face　of　the　stone
against　which　he　was　sitting；　and　this　stuff　had　run　under　him　and
cemented　him　fast　to　the　〃bed…rock〃；　that　the　jury　（they　were　all　silver…
miners）　canvassed　the　difficulty　a　moment；　and　then　got　out　their　powder
and　fuse；　and　proceeded　to　drill　a　hole　under　him；　in　order　to　blast　him
from　his　position；　when　Mr。；　〃with　that　delicacy　so　characteristic　of
him；　forbade　them；　observing　that　it　would　be　little　less　than　sacrilege
to　do　such　a　thing。〃

From　beginning　to　end　the　〃Petrified　Man〃　squib　was　a　string　of　roaring
absurdities；　albeit　they　were　told　with　an　unfair　pretense　of　truth　that
even　imposed　upon　me　to　some　extent；　and　I　was　in　some　danger　of
believing　in　my　own　fraud。　　But　I　really　had　no　desire　to　deceive
anybody；　and　no　expectation　of　doing　it。　　I　depended　on　the　way　the
petrified　man　was　sitting　to　explain　to　the　public　that　he　was　a　swindle。
Yet　I　purposely　mixed　that　up　with　other　things；　hoping　to　make　it
obscureand　I　did。　　I　would　describe　the　position　of　one　foot；　and　then
say　his　right　thumb　was　against　the　side　of　his　nose；　then　talk　about　his
other　foot；　and　presently　come　back　and　say　the　fingers　of　his　right　hand
were　spread　apart；　then　talk　about　the　back　of　his　head　a　little；　and
return　and　say　the　left　thumb　was　hooked　into　the　right　little　finger；
then　ramble　off　about　something　else；　and　by　and　by　drift　back　again　and
remark　that　the　fingers　of　the　left　hand　were　spread　like　those　of　the
right。　　But　I　was　too　ingenious。　　I　mixed　it　up　rather　too　much；　and　so
all　that　description　of　the　attitude；　as　a　key　to　the　humbuggery　of　the
article；　was　entirely　lost；　for　nobody　but　me　ever　discovered　and
comprehended　the　peculiar　and　suggestive　position　of　the　petrified　man's
hands。

As　a　satire　on　the　petrifaction　mania；　or　anything　else；　my　petrified　Man
was　a　disheartening　failure；　for　everybody　received　him　in　innocent　good
faith；　and　I　was　stunned　to　see　the　creature　I　had　begotten　to　pull　down
the　wonder…business　with；　and　bring　derision　upon　it；　calmly　exalted　to
the　grand　chief　place　in　the　list　of　the　genuine　marvels　our　Nevada　had
produced。　　I　was　so　disappointed　at　the　curious　miscarriage　of　my　scheme；
that　at　first　I　was　angry；　and　did　not　like　to　think　about　it；　but　by　and
by；　when　the　exchanges　began　to　come　in　with　the　Petrified　Man　copied　and
guilelessly　glorified；　I　began　to　feel　a　soothing　secret　satisfaction；
and　as　my　gentleman's　field　of　travels　broadened；　and　by　the　exchanges　I
saw　that　he　steadily　and　implacably　penetrated　territory　after　territory；
state　after　state；　and　land　after　land；　till　he　swept　the　great　globe　and
culminated　in　sublime　and　unimpeached　legitimacy　in　the　august　London
Lancet；　my　cup　was　full；　and　I　said　I　was　glad　I　had　done　it。　　I　think
that　for　about　eleven　months；　as　nearly　as　I　can　remember；　Mr。's
daily　mail…bag　continued　to　be　swollen　by　the　addition　of　half　a　bushel
of　newspapers　hailing　from　many　climes　with　the　Petrified　Man　in　them；
marked　around　with　a　prominent　belt　of　ink。　　I　sent　them　to　him。　　I　did
it　for　spite；　not　for　fun。

He　used　to　shovel　them　into　his　back　yard　and　curse。　　And　every　day
during　all　those　months　the　miners；　his　constituents　（for　miners　never
quit　joking　a　person　when　they　get　started）；　would　call　on　him　and　ask　if
he　could　tell　them　where　they　could　get　hold　of　a　paper　with　the
Petrified　Man　in　it。　　He　could　have　accommodated　a　continent　with　them。
I　hated　…　in　those　days；　and　these　things　pacified　me　and　pleased　me。
I　could　not　have　gotten　more　real　comfort　out　of　him　without　killing　him。






MY　BLOODY　MASSACRE

The　other　burlesque　I　have　referred　to　was　my　fine　satire　upon　the
financial　expedients　of　〃cooking　dividends；〃　a　thing　which　became
shamefully　frequent　on　the　Pacific　coast　for　a　while。　　Once　more；　in　my
self…complacent　simplicity　I　felt　that　the　time　had　arrived　for　me　to
rise　up　and　be　a　reformer。　　I　put　this　reformatory　satire；　in　the　shape
of　a　fearful　〃Massacre　at　Empire　City。〃　　The　San　Francisco　papers　were
making　a　great　outcry　about　the　iniquity　of　the　Daney　Silver…Mining
Company；　whose　directors　had　declared　a　〃cooked〃　or　false　dividend；　for
the　purpose　of　increasing　the　value　of　their　stock；　so　that　they　could
sell　out　at　a　comfortable　figure；　and　then　scramble　from　under　the
tumbling　concern。　　And　while　abusing　the　Daney；　those　papers　did　not
forget　to　urge　the　public　to　get　rid　of　all　their　silver　stocks　and
invest　in；　sound　and　safe　San　Francisco　stocks；　such　as　the　Spring　Valley
Water　Company；　etc。　　But　right　at　this　unfortunate　juncture；　behold　the
Spring　Valley　cooked　a　dividend　too！　　And　so；　under　the　insidious　mask　of
an　invented　〃bloody　massacre；〃　I　stole　upon　the　public　unawares　with　my
scathing　satire　upon　the　dividend　cooking　system。　　In　about　half　a　column
of　imaginary　human　carnage　I　told　how　a　citizen　hard　murdered　his　wife
and　nine　children；　and　then　committed　suicide。　　And　I　said　slyly；　at　the
bottom；　that　the　sudden　madness　of　which　this　melancholy　massacre　was　the
result　had　been　brought　about　by　his　having　allowed　himself　to　be
persuaded　by　the　California　papers　to　sell　his　sound　and　lucrative　Nevada
silver　stocks；　and　buy　into　Spring　Valley　just　in　time　to　get　cooked
along　with　that　company's　fancy　dividend；　and　sink　every　cent　he　had　in
the　world。

Ah；　it　was　a　deep；　deep　satire；　and　most　ingeniously　contrived。　　But　I
made　the　horrible　details　so　carefully　and　conscientiously　interesting
that　the　public　devoured　them　greedily；　and　wholly　overlooked　the
following　distinctly　stated　facts；　to　wit：　The　murderer　was　perfectly
well　known　to　every　creature　in　the　land　as　a　bachelor；　and　consequently
he　could　not　murder　his　wife　and　nine　children；　he　murdered　them　〃in　his
splendid　dressed…stone　mansion　just　in　the　edge　of　the　great　pine　forest
between　Empire　City　and　Dutch　Nick's；〃　when　even　the　very　pickled　oysters
that　came　on　our　tables　knew　that　there　was　not　a　〃dressed…stone　mansion〃
in　all　Nevada　Territory；　also　that；　so　far　from　there　being　a　〃great　pine
forest　between　Empire　City　and　Dutch　Nick's；〃　there　wasn't　a　solitary
tree　within　fifteen　miles　of　either　place；　and；　finally；　it　was　patent
and　notorious　that　Empire　City　and　Dutch　Nick's　were　one　and　the　same
place；　and　contained　only　six　houses　anyhow；　and　consequently　there　could
be　no　forest　between　them；　and　on　top　of　all　these　absurdities　I　stated
that　this　diabolical　murderer；　after　inflicting　a　wound　upon　himself　that
the　reader　ought　to　have　seen　would　kill　an　elephant　in　the　twinkling　of
an　eye；　jumped　on　his　horse　and　rode　four　miles；　waving　his　wife's
reeking　scalp　in　the　air；　and　thus　performing　entered　Carson　City　with
tremendous　eclat；　and　dropped　dead　in　front　of　the　chief　saloon；　the　envy
and　admiration　of　all　beholders。

Well；　in　all　my　life　I　never　saw　anything　like　the　sensation　that　little
satire　created。　　It　was　the　talk　of　the　town；　it　was　the　talk　of　the
territory。　　Most　of　the　citizens　dropped　gently　into　it　at　breakfast；　and
they　never　finished　their　meal。　　There　was　something　about　those　minutely
faithful　details　that　was　a　sufficing　substitute　for　food。　　Few　people
that　were　able　to　read　took　food　that　morning。　　Dan　and　I　（Dan　was　my
reportorial　associate）　took　our　seats　on　either　side　of　our　customary
table　in　the　〃Eagle　Restaurant；〃　and；　as　I　unfolded　the　shred　they　used
to　call　a　na