sketches new and old-第37章

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The　exile　remains　at　his　post。　　The　New　York　tea　merchants　who　need
picturesque　signs　are　not　likely　to　run　out　of　Chinamen。






HOW　I　EDITED　AN　AGRICULTURAL　PAPER　＇Written　abort　1870。＇

I　did　not　take　temporary　editorship　of　an　agricultural　paper　without
misgivings。　　Neither　would　a　landsman　take　command　of　a　ship　without
misgivings。　　But　I　was　in　circumstances　that　made　the　salary　an　object。
The　regular　editor　of　the　paper　was　going　off　for　a　holiday；　and　I
accepted　the　terms　he　offered；　and　took　his　place。

The　sensation　of　being　at　work　again　was　luxurious；　and　I　wrought　all　the
week　with　unflagging　pleasure。　　We　went　to　press；　and　I　waited　a　day　with
some　solicitude　to　see　whether　my　effort　was　going　to　attract　any　notice。
As　I　left　the　office；　toward　sundown；　a　group　of　men　and　boys　at　the　foot
of　the　stairs　dispersed　with　one　impulse；　and　gave　me　passageway；　and　I
heard　one　or　two　of　them　say：　〃That's　him！〃　　I　was　naturally　pleased　by
this　incident。　　The　next　morning　I　found　a　similar　group　at　the　foot　of
the　stairs；　and　scattering　couples　and　individuals　standing　here　and
there　in　the　street　and　over　the　way；　watching　me　with　interest。　　The
group　separated　and　fell　back　as　I　approached；　and　I　heard　a　man　say；
〃Look　at　his　eye！〃　　I　pretended　not　to　observe　the　notice　I　was
attracting；　but　secretly　I　was　pleased　with　it；　and　was　purposing　to
write　an　account　of　it　to　my　aunt。　　I　went　up　the　short　flight　of　stairs；
and　heard　cheery　voices　and　a　ringing　laugh　as　I　drew　near　the　door；
which　I　opened；　and　caught　a　glimpse　of　two　young　rural…looking　men；
whose　faces　blanched　and　lengthened　when　they　saw　me；　and　then　they　both
plunged　through　the　window　with　a　great　crash。　　I　was　surprised。

In　about　half　an　hour　an　old　gentleman；　with　a　flowing　beard　and　a　fine
but　rather　austere　face；　entered；　and　sat　down　at　my　invitation。　　He
seemed　to　have　something　on　his　mind。　　He　took　off　his　hat　and　set　it　on
the　floor；　and　got　out　of　it　a　red　silk　handkerchief　and　a　copy　of　our
paper。

He　put　the　paper　on　his　lap；　and　while　he　polished　his　spectacles　with
his　handkerchief　he　said；　〃Are　you　the　new　editor？〃

I　said　I　was。

〃Have　you　ever　edited　an　agricultural　paper　before？〃

〃No；〃　I　said；　〃this　is　my　first　attempt。〃

〃Very　likely。　　Have　you　had　any　experience　in　agriculture　practically？〃

〃No；　I　believe　I　have　not。〃

〃Some　instinct　told　me　so；〃　said　the　old　gentleman；　putting　on　his
spectacles；　and　looking　over　them　at　me　with　asperity；　while　he　folded
his　paper　into　a　convenient　shape。　　〃I　wish　to　read　you　what　must　have
made　me　have　that　instinct。　　It　was　this　editorial。　　Listen；　and　see　if
it　was　you　that　wrote　it：

　　　　　〃'Turnips　should　never　be　pulled；　it　injures　them。　　It　is　much
　　　　　better　to　send　a　boy　up　and　let　him　shake　the　tree。'

〃Now；　what　do　you　think　of　that？　　for　I　really　suppose　you　wrote　it？〃

〃Think　of　it？　　Why；　I　think　it　is　good。　　I　think　it　is　sense。　　I　have　no
doubt　that　every　year　millions　and　millions　of　bushels　of　turnips　are
spoiled　in　this　township　alone　by　being　pulled　in　a　half…ripe　condition；
when；　if　they　had　sent　a　boy　up　to　shake　the　tree〃

〃Shake　your　grandmother！　　Turnips　don't　grow　on　trees！〃

〃Oh；　they　don't；　don't　they？　　Well；　who　said　they　did？　　The　language　was
intended　to　be　figurative；　wholly　figurative。　　Anybody　that　knows
anything　will　know　that　I　meant　that　the　boy　should　shake　the　vine。〃

Then　this　old　person　got　up　and　tore　his　paper　all　into　small　shreds；　and
stamped　on　them；　and　broke　several　things　with　his　cane；　and　said　I　did
not　know　as　much　as　a　cow；　and　then　wentout　and　banged　the　door　after
him；　and；　in　short；　acted　in　such　a　way　that　I　fancied　he　was　displeased
about　something。　　But　not　knowing　what　the　trouble　was；　I　could　not　be
any　help　to　him。

Pretty　soon　after　this　a　long；　cadaverous　creature；　with　lanky　locks
hanging　down　to　his　shoulders；　and　a　week's　stubble　bristling　from　the
hills　and　valleys　of　his　face；　darted　within　the　door；　and　halted；
motionless；　with　finger　on　lip；　and　head　and　body　bent　in　listening
attitude。　　No　sound　was　heard。

Still　he　listened。　　No　sound。　　Then　he　turned　the　key　in　the　door；　and
came　elaborately　tiptoeing　toward　me　till　he　was　within　long　reaching
distance　of　me；　when　he　stopped　and；　after　scanning　my　face　with　intense
interest　for　a　while；　drew　a　folded　copy　of　our　paper　from　his　bosom；　and
said：

〃There；　you　wrote　that。　　Read　it　to　mequick！　　Relieve　me。　　I　suffer。〃

I　read　as　follows；　and　as　the　sentences　fell　from　my　lips　I　could　see　the
relief　come；　I　could　see　the　drawn　muscles　relax；　and　the　anxiety　go　out
of　the　face；　and　rest　and　peace　steal　over　the　features　like　the　merciful
moonlight　over　a　desolate　landscape：

　　　　　The　guano　is　a　fine　bird；　but　great　care　is　necessary　in　rearing　it。
　　　　　It　should　not　be　imported　earlier　than　June　or　later　than　September。
　　　　　In　the　winter　it　should　be　kept　in　a　warm　place；　where　it　can　hatch
　　　　　out　its　young。

　　　　　It　is　evident　that　we　are　to　have　a　backward　season　for　grain。
　　　　　Therefore　it　will　be　well　for　the　farmer　to　begin　setting　out　his
　　　　　corn…stalks　and　planting　his　buckwheat　cakes　in　July　instead　of
　　　　　August。

　　　　　Concerning　the　pumpkin。　　This　berry　is　a　favorite　with　the　natives
　　　　　of　the　interior　of　New　England；　who　prefer　it　to　the　gooseberry　for
　　　　　the　making　of　fruit…cake；　and　who　likewise　give　it　the　preference
　　　　　over　the　raspberry　for　feeding　cows；　as　being　more　filling　and　fully
　　　　　as　satisfying。　　The　pumpkin　is　the　only　esculent　of　the　orange
　　　　　family　that　will　thrive　in　the　North；　except　the　gourd　and　one　or
　　　　　two　varieties　of　the　squash。　　But　the　custom　of　planting　it　in　the
　　　　　front　yard　with　the　shrubbery　is　fast　going　out　of　vogue；　for　it　is
　　　　　now　generally　conceded　that；　the　pumpkin　as　a　shade　tree　is　a
　　　　　failure。

　　　　　Now；　as　the　warm　weather　approaches；　and　the　ganders　begin　to
　　　　　spawn


The　excited　listener　sprang　toward　me　to　shake　hands；　and　said：

〃There；　therethat　will　do。　　I　know　I　am　all　right　now；　because　you　have
read　it　just　as　I　did；　word；　for　word。　　But；　stranger；　when　I　first　read
it　this　morning；　I　said　to　myself；　I　never；　never　believed　it　before；
notwithstanding　my　friends　kept　me　under　watch　so　strict；　but　now　I
believe　I　am　crazy；　and　with　that　I　fetched　a　howl　that　you　might　have
heard　two　miles；　and　started　out　to　kill　somebodybecause；　you　know；
I　knew　it　would　come　to　that　sooner　or　later；　and　so　I　might　as　well
begin。　　I　read　one　of　them　paragraphs　over　again；　so　as　to　be　certain；
and　then　I　burned　my　house　down　and　started。　　I　have　crippled　several
people；　and　have　got　one　fellow　up　a　tree；　where　I　can　get　him　if　I　want
him。　　But　I　thought　I　would　call　in　here　as　I　passed　along　and　make　the
thing　perfectly　certain；　and　now　it　is　certain；　and　I　tell　you　it　is
lucky　for　the　chap　that　is　in　the　tree。　　I　should　have　killed　him　sure；
as　I　went　back。　　Good…by；　sir；　good…by；　you　have　taken　a　great　load　off
my　mind。　　My　reason　has　stood　the　strain　of　one　of　your　agricultural
articles；　and　I　know　that　nothing　can　ever　unseat　it　now。　　Good…by；　sir。〃

I　felt　a　little　uncomfortable　about　the　cripplings　and　arsons　this　person
had　been　entertaining　himself　with；　for　I　could　not　help　feeling　remotely
accessory　to　them。　　But　these　thoughts　were　quickly　banished；　for　the
regular　editor　walked　in！　　＇I　thought　to　myself；　Now　if　you　had　gone　to
Egypt　as　I　recommended　you　to；　I　might　have　had　a　chance　to　get　my　hand
in；　but　you　wouldn't　do　it；　and　here　you　are。　　I　sort　of　expected　you。＇

The　editor　was　looking　sad　and　perplexed　and　dejected。

He　surveyed　the　wreck　which　that　old　rioter　and　those　two　young　farmers
had　made；　and　then　said　〃This　is　a　sad　businessa　very　sad　business。
There　is　the　mucilage…bottle　broken；　and　six　panes　of　glass；　and　a
spittoon；　and　two　candlesticks。　　But　that　is　not　the　worst。　　The
reputation　of　the　paper　is　injuredand　permanently；　I　fear。　　True；　there
never　was　such　a　call　for　the　paper　before；　and　it　never　sold　such　a
large　edition　or　soared　to　such　celebrity；　but　does　one　want　to　be　famous
for　lunacy；　and　prosper　upon　the　infirmities　of　his　mind？　　My　friend；　as
I　am　an　honest　man；　the　street　out　here　is　full　of　people；　and　others　are
roosting　on　the　fences；　waiting　to　get　a　glimpse　of　you；　because　they
think　you　are　crazy。　　And　well　they　might　after　reading　your　editorials。
They　are　a　disgrace　to　journalism。　　Why；　what　put　it　into　your　head　that
you　could　edit　a　paper　of　this　nature？　　You　do　not　seem　to　know　the　first
rudiments　of　agriculture。　　You　speak　of　a　furrow　and　a　harrow　as　being
the　same　thing；　you　talk　of　the　moulting　season　for　cows；　and　you
recommend　the　domestication　of　the　pole…cat　on　account　of　its　playfulness
and　its　excellence　as　a　ratter！　　Your　remark　that　clams　will　lie　quiet　if
music　be　played　to　them　was　superfluousentirely　superfluous。　　Nothing
disturbs　clams。　　Clams　always　lie　quiet。　　Clams　care　nothing　whatever
about　music。　　Ah；　heavens　and　earth；　friend！　if　you　had　made　the
acquiring　of　ignorance　the　study　of　your　life；　you　could　not　have
graduated　with　higher　honor　than　you　could　to…day。　　I　never　saw　anything
like　it。　　Your　observation　that　the　horse…chestnut　as　an　article　of
commerce　is　steadily　gaining　in　favor　is　simply　calculated　to　destroy
this　journal。　　I　want　you　to　throw　up　your　situation　and　go。　　I　want　no
more　holidayI　could　not　enjoy　it　if　I　had　it。　　Certainly　not　with　you
in　my　chair。　　I　would　always　stand　in　dread　of　what　you　might　be　going　to
recommend　next。　　It　makes　me　lose　all　patience　every　time　I　think　of　your
discussing　oyster…beds　under　the　head　of　'Landscape　Gardening。'　　I　want
you　to　go。　　Nothing　on　earth　could　persuade　me　to　take　another　holiday。
Oh！　why　didn't　you　tell　me　you　didn't　know　anything　about　agriculture？〃

〃Tell　you；　you　corn…stalk；　you　cabbage；　you　son　of　a　cauliflower？　　It's
the　first　time　I　ever　heard　such　an　unfeeling　remark。　　I　tell　you　I　have
been　in　the　editorial　business　going　on　fourteen　years；　and　it　is　the
first　time　I　ever　heard　of　a　man's　having　to　know　anything　in　order　to
edit　a　newspaper。　　You　turnip！　　Who　write　the　dramatic　critiques　for　the
second…rate　papers？　　Why；　a　parcel　of　promoted　shoemakers　and　apprentice
apothecaries；　who　know　just　as　much　about　good　acting　as　I　do　about　good
farming　and　no　more。　　Who　review　the　books？　　People　who　never　wrote　one。
Who　do　up　the　heavy　leaders　on　finance？　　Parties　who　have　had　the　largest
opportunities　for　knowing　nothing　about　it。　　Who　criticize　the　Indian
campaigns？　　Gentlemen　who　do　not　know　a　war…whoop　from　a　wigwam；　and　who
never　have　had　to　run　a　foot…race　with　a　tomahawk；　or　pluck　arrows　out　of
the　several　members　of　their　families　to　build　the　evening　camp…fire
with。　　Who　write　the　temperance　appeals；　and　clamor　about　the　flowing
bowl？　　Folks　who　will　never　draw　another　sober　breath　till　they　do　it　in
the　grave。　　Who　edit　the　agricultural　papers；　youyam？　　Men；　as　a
general　thing；　who　fail　in　the　poetry　line；　yellow…colored　novel　line；
sensation；　drama　line；　city…editor　line；　and　finally　fall　back　on
agriculture　as　a　temporary　reprieve　from　the　poorhouse。　　You　try　to　tell
me　anythi