sketches new and old-第36章

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〃Oh；　Mary；　my　own　darling；　we　are　savedbut　I'll　swear　I　don't　know　why
nor　how！〃



CHAPTER　V

＇Scene…A　Roman　Caf？＇

One　of　a　group　of　American　gentlemen　reads　and　translates　from　the　weekly
edition　of　'Il　Slangwhanger　di　Roma'　as　follows：

WONDERFUL　DISCOVERYSome　six　months　ago　Signor　John　Smitthe；　an　American
gentleman　now　some　years　a　resident　of　Rome；　purchased　for　a　trifle　a
small　piece　of　ground　in　the　Campagna；　just　beyond　the　tomb　of　the　Scipio
family；　from　the　owner；　a　bankrupt　relative　of　the　Princess　Borghese。
Mr。　Smitthe　afterward　went　to　the　Minister　of　the　Public　Records　and　had
the　piece　of　ground　transferred　to　a　poor　American　artist　named　George
Arnold；　explaining　that　he　did　it　as　payment　and　satisfaction　for
pecuniary　damage　accidentally　done　by　him　long　since　upon　property
belonging　to　Signor　Arnold；　and　further　observed　that　he　would　make
additional　satisfaction　by　improving　the　ground　for　Signor　A。；　at　his　own
charge　and　cost。　　Four　weeks　ago；　while　making　some　necessary　excavations
upon　the　property；　Signor　Smitthe　unearthed　the　most　remarkable　ancient
statue　that　has　ever　bees　added　to　the　opulent　art　treasures　of　Rome。
It　was　an　exquisite　figure　of　a　woman；　and　though　sadly　stained　by　the
soil　and　the　mold　of　ages；　no　eye　can　look　unmoved　upon　its　ravishing
beauty。　　The　nose；　the　left　leg　from　the　knee　down；　an　ear；　and　also　the
toes　of　the　right　foot　and　two　fingers　of　one　of　the　hands　were　gone；
but　otherwise　the　noble　figure　was　in　a　remarkable　state　of　preservation。
The　government　at　once　took　military　possession　of　the　statue；　and
appointed　a　commission　of　art…critics；　antiquaries；　and　cardinal　princes
of　the　church　to　assess　its　value　and　determine　the　remuneration　that
must　go　to　the　owner　of　the　ground　in　which　it　was　found。　　The　whole
affair　was　kept　a　profound　secret　until　last　night。　　In　the　mean　time　the
commission　sat　with　closed　doors　and　deliberated。　　Last　night　they
decided　unanimously　that　the　statue　is　a　Venus；　and　the　work　of　some
unknown　but　sublimely　gifted　artist　of　the　third　century　before　Christ。
They　consider　it　the　most　faultless　work　of　art　the　world　has　any
knowledge　of。

At　midnight　they　held　a　final　conference　and；　decided　that　the　Venus　was
worth　the　enormous　sum　of　ten　million　francs！　　In　accordance　with　Roman
law　and　Roman　usage；　the　government　being　half…owner　in　all　works　of　art
found　in　the　Campagna；　the　State　has　naught　to　do　but　pay　five　million
francs　to　Mr。　　Arnold　and　take　permanent　possession　of　the　beautiful
statue。　　This　morning　the　Venus　will　be　removed　to　the　Capitol；　there　to
remain；　and　at　noon　the　commission　will　wait　upon　Signor　Arnold　with　His
Holiness　the　Pope's　order　upon　the　Treasury　for　the　princely　sum　of　five
million　francs　is　gold！

Chorus　of　Voices。〃Luck！　　It's　no　name　for　it！〃

Another　Voice。〃　Gentlemen；　I　propose　that　we　immediately　form　an
American　joint…stock　company　for　the　purchase　of　lands　and　excavations　of
statues　here；　with　proper　connections　in　Wall　Street　to　bull　and　bear　the
stock。〃

All。〃Agreed。〃



CHAPTER　VI

＇SceneThe　Roman　Capitol　Ten　Years　Later。＇

〃Dearest　Mary；　this　is　the　most　celebrated　statue　in　the　world。　　This　is
the　renowned　'Capitoline　Venus'　you've　heard　so　much　about。　　Here　she　is
with　her　little　blemishes　'restored'　（that　is；　patched）　by　the　most　noted
Roman　artistsand　the　mere　fact　that　they　did　the　humble　patching　of　so
noble　a　creation　will　make　their　names　illustrious　while　the　world
stands。　　How　strange　it　seems　this　place！　　The　day　before　I　last　stood
here；　ten　happy　years　ago；　I　wasn't　a　rich　man　bless　your　soul；　I　hadn't
a　cent。　　And　yet　I　had　a　good　deal　to　do　with　making　Rome　mistress　of
this　grandest　work　of　ancient　art　the　world　contains。〃

〃The　worshiped；　the　illustrious　Capitoline　Venusand　what　a　sum　she　is
valued　at！　　Ten　millions　of　francs！〃

〃Yesnow　she　is。〃

〃And　oh；　Georgy；　how　divinely　beautiful　she　is！〃

〃Ah；　yes　but　nothing　to　what　she　was　before　that　blessed　John　Smith　broke
her　leg　and　battered　her　nose。　　Ingenious　Smith！gifted　Smith！noble
Smith！　　Author　of　all　our　bliss！　　Hark！　　Do　you　know　what　that　wheeze
means？　　Mary；　that　cub　has　got　the　whooping…cough。　　Will　you　never　learn
to　take　care　of　the　children！〃

THE　END


The　Capitoline　Venus　is　still　in　the　Capitol　at　Rome；　and　is　still　the
most　charming　and　most　illustrious　work　of　ancient　art　the　world　can
boast　of。　　But　if　ever　it　shall　be　your　fortune　to　stand　before　it　and　go
into　the　customary　ecstasies　over　it；　don't　permit　this　true　and　secret
history　of　its　origin　to　mar　your　blissand　when　you　read　about　a
gigantic　Petrified　man　being　dug　up　near　Syracuse；　in　the　State　of　New
York；　or　near　any　other　place；　keep　your　own　counseland　if　the　Barnum
that　buried　him　there　offers　to　sell　to　you　at　an　enormous　sum；　don't　you
buy。　　Send　him　to　the　Pope！


＇NOTE。The　above　sketch　was　written　at　the　time　the　famous　swindle　of
the
〃Petrified　Giant〃　was　the　sensation　of　the　day　in　the　United　States＇






SPEECH　ON　ACCIDENT　INSURANCE

DELIVERED　IN　HARTFORD；　AT　A　DINNER　TO　CORNELIUS　WALFORD；　OF　LONDON

GENTLEMEN：　I　am　glad；　indeed；　to　assist　in　welcoming　the　distinguished
guest　of　this　occasion　to　a　city　whose　fame　as　an　insurance　center　has
extended　to　all　lands；　and　given　us　the　name　of　being　a　quadruple　band　of
brothers　working　sweetly　hand　in　handthe　Colt's　Arms　Company　making　the
destruction　of　our　race　easy　and　convenient；　our　life　insurance　citizens
paying　for　the　victims　when　they　pass　away；　Mr。　Batterson　perpetuating
their　memory　with　his　stately　monuments；　and　our　fire…insurance　comrades
taking　care　of　their　hereafter。　　I　am　glad　to　assist　in　welcoming　our
guest　first；　because　he　is　an　Englishman；　and　I　owe　a　heavy　debt　of
hospitality　to　certain　of　his　fellow…countrymen；　and　secondly；　because　he
is　in　sympathy　with　insurance　and　has　been　the　means　of　making　may　other
men　cast　their　sympathies　in　the　same　direction。

Certainly　there　is　no　nobler　field　for　human　effort　than　the　insurance
line　of　businessespecially　accident　insurance。　　Ever　since　I　have　been
a　director　in　an　accident…insurance　company　I　have　felt　that　I　am　a
better　man。　　Life　has　seemed　more　precious。　　Accidents　have　assumed　a
kindlier　aspect。　　Distressing　special　providences　have　lost　half　their
horror。　　I　look　upon　a　cripple　now　with　affectionate　interestas　an
advertisement。　　I　do　not　seem　to　care　for　poetry　any　more。　　I　do　not　care
for　politicseven　agriculture　does　not　excite　me。　　But　to　me　now　there
is　a　charm　about　a　railway　collision　that　is　unspeakable。

There　is　nothing　more　beneficent　than　accident　insurance。　　I　have　seen　an
entire　family　lifted　out　of　poverty　and　into　affluence　by　the　simple　boon
of　a　broken　leg。　　I　have　had　people　come　to　me　on　crutches；　with　tears　in
their　eyes；　to　bless　this　beneficent　institution。　　In　all　my　experience
of　life；　I　have　seen　nothing　so　seraphic　as　the　look　that　comes　into　a
freshly　mutilated　man's　face　when　he　feels　in　his　vest　pocket　with　his
remaining　hand　and　finds　his　accident　ticket　all　right。　　And　I　have　seen
nothing　so　sad　as　the　look　that　came　into　another　splintered　customer's
face　when　he　found　he　couldn't　collect　on　a　wooden　leg。

I　will　remark　here；　by　way　of　advertisement；　that　that　noble　charity
which　we　have　named　the　HARTFORD　ACCIDENT　INSURANCE　COMPANY　＇The
speaker　is　a　director　of　the　company　named。＇is　an　institution　which　is
peculiarly　to　be　depended　upon。　　A　man　is　bound　to　prosper　who　gives　it
his　custom。

No　man　can　take　out　a　policy　in　it　and　not　get　crippled　before　the　year
is　out。　　Now　there　was　one　indigent　man　who　had　been　disappointed　so
often　with　other　companies　that　he　had　grown　disheartened；　his　appetite
left　him；　he　ceased　to　smile　life　was　but　a　weariness。　　Three　weeks　ago
I　got　him　to　insure　with　us；　and　now　he　is　the　brightest；　happiest　spirit
in　this　land　has　a　good　steady　income　and　a　stylish　suit　of　new　bandages
every　day；　and　travels　around　on　a　shutter。

I　will　say；　in　conclusion；　that　my　share　of　the　welcome　to　our　guest　is
none　the　less　hearty　because　I　talk　so　much　nonsense；　and　I　know　that　I
can　say　the　same　for　the　rest　of　the　speakers。






JOHN　CHINAMAN　IN　NEW　YORK

As　I　passed　along　by　one　of　those　monster　American　tea　stores　in　New
York；　I　found　a　Chinaman　sitting　before　it　acting　in　the　capacity　of　a
sign。　　Everybody　that　passed　by　gave　him　a　steady　stare　as　long　as　their
heads　would　twist　over　their　shoulders　without　dislocating　their　necks；
and　a　group　had　stopped　to　stare　deliberately。

Is　it　not　a　shame　that　we；　who　prate　so　much　about　civilization　and
humanity；　are　content　to　degrade　a　fellow…being　to　such　an　office　as
this？　　Is　it　not　time　for　reflection　when　we　find　ourselves　willing　to
see　in　such　a　being　matter　for　frivolous　curiosity　instead　of　regret　and
grave　reflection？　　Here　was　a　poor　creature　whom　hard　fortune　had　exiled
from　his　natural　home　beyond　the　seas；　and　whose　troubles　ought　to　have
touched　these　idle　strangers　that　thronged　about　him；　but　did　it？
Apparently　not。　　Men　calling　themselves　the　superior　race；　the　race　of
culture　and　of　gentle　blood；　scanned　his　quaint　Chinese　hat；　with　peaked
roof　and　ball　on　top；　and　his　long　queue　dangling　down　his　back；　his
short　silken　blouse；　curiously　frogged　and　figured　（and；　like　the　rest　of
his　raiment；　rusty；　dilapidated；　and　awkwardly　put　on）；　his　blue　cotton；
tight…legged　pants；　tied　close　around　the　ankles；　and　his　clumsy　blunt…
toed　shoes　with　thick　cork　soles；　and　having　so　scanned　him　from　head　to
foot；　cracked　some　unseemly　joke　about　his　outlandish　attire　or　his
melancholy　face；　and　passed　on。　　In　my　heart　I　pitied　the　friendless
Mongol。　　I　wondered　what　was　passing　behind　his　sad　face；　and　what
distant　scene　his　vacant　eye　was　dreaming　of。　　Were　his　thoughts　with　his
heart；　ten　thousand　miles　away；　beyond　the　billowy　wastes　of　the　Pacific？
among　the　ricefields　and　the　plumy　palms　of　China？　under　the　shadows　of
remembered　mountain　peaks；　or　in　groves　of　bloomy　shrubs　and　strange
forest　trees　unknown　to　climes　like　ours？　　And　now　and　then；　rippling
among　his　visions　and　his　dreams；　did　he　hear　familiar　laughter　and　half…
forgotten　voices；　and　did　he　catch　fitful　glimpses　of　the　friendly　faces
of　a　bygone　time？　　A　cruel　fate　it　is；　I　said；　that　is　befallen　this
bronzed　wanderer。　　In　order　that　the　group　of　idlers　might　be　touched　at
least　by　the　words　of　the　poor　fellow；　since　the　appeal　of　his　pauper
dress　and　his　dreary　exile　was　lost　upon　them；　I　touched　him　on　the
shoulder　and　said：

〃Cheer　updon't　be　downhearted。　　It　is　not　America　that　treats　you　in
this　way；　it　is　merely　one　citizen；　whose　greed　of　gain　has　eaten　the
humanity　out　of　his　heart。　　America　has　a　broader　hospitality　for　the
exiled　and　oppressed。　　America　and　Americans　are　always　ready　to　help　the
unfortunate。　　Money　shall　be　raisedyou　shall　go　back　to　China　you　shall
see　your　friends　again。　　What　wages　do　they　pay　you　here？〃

〃Divil　a　cint　but　four　dollars　a　week　and　find　meself；　but　it's　aisy；
barrin'　the　troublesome　furrin　clothes　that's　so　expinsive。〃

The　exile　remains　at　his　post。　　The　New　York　tea　merchants　who　need
picturesque　signs