sketches new and old-第25章

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John　Wagner　is　two　years　older　than　the　Rhode　Island　veteran；　and　yet　has
never　tasted　a　drop　of　liquor　in　his　lifeunless…unless　you　count
whisky。






SCIENCE　V。S。　LUCK　＇Written　about　1867。＇

At　that　time；　in　Kentucky　（said　the　Hon。　Mr。　K…）；　the　law　was　very
strict　against　what　is　termed　〃games　of　chance。〃　　About　a　dozen　of　the
boys　were　detected　playing　〃seven　up〃　or　〃old　sledge〃　for　money；　and　the
grand　jury　found　a　true　bill　against　them。　　Jim　Sturgis　was　retained　to
defend　them　when　the　case　came　up；　of　course。　The　more　he　studied　over
the　matter；　and　looked　into　the　evidence；　the　plainer　it　was　that　he　must
lose　a　case　at　lastthere　was　no　getting　around　that　painful　fact。
Those　boys　had　certainly　been　betting　money　on　a　game　of　chance。　　Even
public　sympathy　was　roused　in　behalf　of　Sturgis。　　People　said　it　was　a
pity　to　see　him　mar　his　successful　career　with　a　big　prominent　case　like
this；　which　must　go　against　him。

But　after　several　restless　nights　an　inspired　idea　flashed　upon　Sturgis；
and　he　sprang　out　of　bed　delighted。　　He　thought　he　saw　his　way　through。
The　next　day　he　whispered　around　a　little　among　his　clients　and　a　few
friends；　and　then　when　the　case　came　up　in　court　he　acknowledged　the
seven…up　and　the　betting；　and；　as　his　sole　defense；　had　the　astounding
effrontery　to　put　in　the　plea　that　old　sledge　was　not　a　game　of　chance！
There　was　the　broadest　sort　of　a　smile　all　over　the　faces　of　that
sophisticated　audience。　　The　judge　smiled　with　the　rest。　　But　Sturgis
maintained　a　countenance　whose　earnestness　was　even　severe。　　The　opposite
counsel　tried　to　ridicule　him　out　of　his　position；　and　did　not　succeed。
The　judge　jested　in　a　ponderous　judicial　way　about　the　thing；　but　did　not
move　him。　　The　matter　was　becoming　grave。　　The　judge　lost　a　little　of　his
patience；　and　said　the　joke　had　gone　far　enough。　　Jim　Sturgis　said　he
knew　of　no　joke　in　the　matterhis　clients　could　not　be　punished　for
indulging　in　what　some　people　chose　to　consider　a　game　of　chance　until　it
was　proven　that　it　was　a　game　of　chance。　　Judge　and　counsel　said　that
would　be　an　easy　matter；　and　forthwith　called　Deacons　Job；　Peters；　Burke；
and　Johnson；　and　Dominies　Wirt　and　Miggles；　to　testify；　and　they
unanimously　and　with　strong　feeling　put　down　the　legal　quibble　of　Sturgis
by　pronouncing　that　old　sledge　was　a　game　of　chance。

〃What　do　you　call　it　now？〃　said　the　judge。

〃I　call　it　a　game　of　science！〃　retorted　Sturgis；　〃and　I'll　prove　it；
too！〃

They　saw　his　little　game。

He　brought　in　a　cloud　of　witnesses；　and　produced　an　overwhelming　mass　of
testimony；　to　show　that　old　sledge　was　not　a　game　of　chance　but　a　game　of
science。

Instead　of　being　the　simplest　case　in　the　world；　it　had　somehow　turned
out　to　be　an　excessively　knotty　one。　　The　judge　scratched　his　head　over
it　awhile；　and　said　there　was　no　way　of　coming　to　a　determination；
because　just　as　many　men　could　be　brought　into　court　who　would　testify　on
one　side　as　could　be　found　to　testify　on　the　other。　　But　he　said　he　was
willing　to　do　the　fair　thing　by　all　parties；　and　would　act　upon　any
suggestion　Mr。　Sturgis　would　make　for　the　solution　of　the　difficulty。

Mr。　Sturgis　was　on　his　feet　in　a　second。

〃Impanel　a　jury　of　six　of　each；　Luck　versus　Science。　　Give　them　candles
and　a　couple　of　decks　of　cards。　　Send　them　into　the　jury…room；　and　just
abide　by　the　result！〃

There　was　no　disputing　the　fairness　of　the　proposition。　　The　four　deacons
and　the　two　dominies　were　sworn　in　as　the　〃chance〃　jurymen；　and　six
inveterate　old　seven…up　professors　were　chosen　to　represent　the　〃science〃
side　of　the　issue。　　They　retired　to　the　jury…room。

In　about　two　hours　Deacon　Peters　sent　into　court　to　borrow　three　dollars
from　a　friend。　　＇Sensation。＇　　In　about　two　hours　more　Dominie　Miggles
sent　into　court　to　borrow　a　〃stake〃　from　a　friend。　　＇Sensation。＇　　During
the　next　three　or　four　hours　the　other　dominie　and　the　other　deacons　sent
into　court　for　small　loans。　　And　still　the　packed　audience　waited；　for　it
was　a　prodigious　occasion　in　Bull's　Corners；　and　one　in　which　every
father　of　a　family　was　necessarily　interested。

The　rest　of　the　story　can　be　told　briefly。　　About　daylight　the　jury　came
in；　and　Deacon　Job；　the　foreman；　read　the　following：

　　　　　VERDICT：

　　　　　We；　the　jury　in　the　case　of　the　Commonwealth　of　Kentucky　vs。　John
　　　　　Wheeler　et　al。；　have　carefully　considered　the　points　of　the　case；
　　　　　and　tested　the　merits　of　the　several　theories　advanced；　and　do
　　　　　hereby　unanimously　decide　that　the　game　commonly　known　as　old　sledge
　　　　　or　seven…up　is　eminently　a　game　of　science　and　not　of　chance。　　In
　　　　　demonstration　whereof　it　is　hereby　and　herein　stated；　iterated；
　　　　　reiterated；　set　forth；　and　made　manifest　that；　during　the　entire
　　　　　night；　the　〃chance〃　men　never　won　a　game　or　turned　a　jack；　although
　　　　　both　feats　were　common　and　frequent　to　the　opposition；　and
　　　　　furthermore；　in　support　of　this　our　verdict；　we　call　attention　to
　　　　　the　significant　fact　that　the　〃chance〃　men　are　all　busted；　and　the
　　　　　〃science〃　men　have　got　the　money。　　It　is　the　deliberate　opinion　of
　　　　　this　jury；　that　the　〃chance〃　theory　concerning　seven…up　is　a
　　　　　pernicious　doctrine；　and　calculated　to　inflict　untold　suffering　and
　　　　　pecuniary　loss　upon　any　community　that　takes　stock　in　it。

〃That　is　the　way　that　seven…up　came　to　be　set　apart　and　particularized　in
the　statute…books　of　Kentucky　as　being　a　game　not　of　chance　but　of
science；　and　therefore　not　punishable　under　the　law；〃　said　Mr。　K…。
〃That　verdict　is　of　record；　and　holds　good　to　this　day。〃






THE　LATE　BENJAMIN　FRANKLIN　＇Written　about　1870。＇

＇〃Never　put　off　till　to…morrow　what　you　can　do　day　after　to…morrow　just
as　well。〃B。　F。＇

This　party　was　one　of　those　persons　whom　they　call　Philosophers。　　He　was
twins；　being　born　simultaneously　in　two　different　houses　in　the　city　of
Boston。　　These　houses　remain　unto　this　day；　and　have　signs　upon　them
worded　in　accordance　with　the　facts。　　The　signs　are　considered　well
enough　to　have；　though　not　necessary；　because　the　inhabitants　point　out
the　two　birthplaces　to　the　stranger　anyhow；　and　sometimes　as　often　as
several　times　in　the　same　day。　　The　subject　of　this　memoir　was　of　a
vicious　disposition；　and　early　prostituted　his　talents　to　the　invention
of　maxims　and　aphorisms　calculated　to　inflict　suffering　upon　the　rising
generation　of　all　subsequent　ages。　　His　simplest　acts；　also；　were
contrived　with　a　view　to　their　being　held　up　for　the　emulation　of　boys
foreverboys　who　might　otherwise　have　been　happy。　　It　was　in　this　spirit
that　he　became　the　son　of　a　soap…boiler；　and　probably　for　no　other　reason
than　that　the　efforts　of　all　future　boys　who　tried　to　be　anything　might
be　looked　upon　with　suspicion　unless　they　were　the　sons　of　soap…boilers。
With　a　malevolence　which　is　without　parallel　in　history；　he　would　work
all　day；　and　then　sit　up　nights；　and　let　on　to　be　studying　algebra　by　the
light　of　a　smoldering　fire；　so　that　all　other　boys　might　have　to　do　that
also；　or　else　have　Benjamin　Franklin　thrown　up　to　them。　　Not　satisfied
with　these　proceedings；　he　had　a　fashion　of　living　wholly　on　bread　and
water；　and　studying　astronomy　at　meal…timea　thing　which　has　brought
affliction　to　millions　of　boys　since；　whose　fathers　had　read　Franklin's
pernicious　biography。

His　maxims　were　full　of　animosity　toward　boys。　　Nowadays　a　boy　cannot
follow　out　a　single　natural　instinct　without　tumbling　over　some　of　those
everlasting　aphorisms　and　hearing　from　Franklin；　on　the　spot。　　If　he　buys
two　cents'　worth　of　peanuts；　his　father　says；　〃Remember　what　Franklin　has
said；　my　son'A　grout　a　day's　a　penny　a　year〃'；　and　the　comfort　is　all
gone　out　of　those　peanuts。　　If　he　wants　to　spin　his　top　when　he　has　done
work；　his　father　quotes；　〃Procrastination　is　the　thief　of　time。〃　　If　he
does　a　virtuous　action；　he　never　gets　anything　for　it；　because　〃Virtue　is
its　own　reward。〃　　And　that　boy　is　hounded　to　death　and　robbed　of　his
natural　rest；　because　Franklin；　said　once；　in　one　of　his　inspired　flights
of　malignity：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Early　to　bed　and　early　to　rise
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Makes　a　man　healthy　and　wealthy　and　wise。

As　if　it　were　any　object　to　a　boy　to　be　healthy　and　wealthy　and　wise　on
such　terms。　　The　sorrow　that　that　maxim　has　cost　me；　through　my　parents；
experimenting　on　me　with　it；　tongue　cannot　tell。　The　legitimate　result　is
my　present　state　of　general　debility；　indigence；　and　mental　aberration。
My　parents　used　to　have　me　up　before　nine　o'clock　in　the　morning
sometimes　when　I　was　a　boy。　　If　they　had　let　me　take　my　natural　rest
where　would　I　have　been　now？　　Keeping　store；　no　doubt；　and　respected　by
all。

And　what　an　adroit　old　adventurer　the　subject　of　this　memoir　was！
In　order　to　get　a　chance　to　fly　his　kite　on　Sunday　he　used　to　hang　a　key
on　the　string　and　let　on　to　be　fishing　for　lightning。　　And　a　guileless
public　would　go　home　chirping　about　the　〃wisdom〃　and　the　〃genius〃　of　the
hoary　Sabbath…breaker。　　If　anybody　caught　him　playing　〃mumblepeg〃　by
himself；　after　the　age　of　sixty；　he　would　immediately　appear　to　be
ciphering　out　how　the　grass　grewas　if　it　was　any　of　his　business。
My　grandfather　knew　him　well；　and　he　says　Franklin　was　always
fixedalways　ready。　　If　a　body；　during　his　old　age；　happened　on　him
unexpectedly　when　he　was　catching　flies；　or　making　mud…pies；　or　sliding
on　a　cellar　door；　he　would　immediately　look　wise；　and　rip　out　a　maxim；
and　walk　off　with　his　nose　in　the　air　and　his　cap　turned　wrong　side
before；　trying　to　appear　absent…minded　and　eccentric。　　He　was　a　hard　lot。

He　invented　a　stove　that　would　smoke　your　head　off　in　four　hours　by　the
clock。　　One　can　see　the　almost　devilish　satisfaction　he　took　in　it　by　his
giving　it　his　name。

He　was　always　proud　of　telling　how　he　entered　Philadelphia　for　the　first
time；　with　nothing　in　the　world　but　two　shillings　in　his　pocket　and　four
rolls　of　bread　under　his　arm。　　But　really；　when　you　come　to　examine　it
critically；　it　was　nothing。　　Anybody　could　have　done　it。

To　the　subject　of　this　memoir　belongs　the　honor　of　recommending　the　army
to　go　back　to　bows　and　arrows　in　place　of　bayonets　and　muskets。
He　observed；　with　his　customary　force；　that　the　bayonet　was　very　well
under　some　circumstances；　but　that　he　doubted　whether　it　could　be　used
with　accuracy　at　a　long　range。

Benjamin　Franklin　did　a　great　many　notable　things　for　his　country；
and　made　her　young　name　to　be　honored　in　many　lands　as　the　mother　of　such
a　son。　　It　is　not　the　idea　of　this　memoir　to　ignore　that　or　cover　it　up。
No；　the　simple　idea　of　it　is　to　snub　those　pretentious　maxims　of　his；
which　he　worked　up　with　a　great　show　of　originality　out　of　truisms　that
had　become　wearisome　platitudes　as　early　as　the　dispersion　from　Babel；
and　also　to　snub　his　stove；　and　his　military　inspirations；　his　unseemly
endeavor　to　make　himself　conspicuous　when　he　entered　Philadelphia；　and
his　flying　his　kite　and　fooling　away　his　time　in　all　sorts　of　such　ways
when　he　ought　to　have　been　foraging　for　soap…fat；　or　constructing
candles。　　I　merely　desired　to　do　away　with　somewhat　of　the　prevalent
calamitous　idea　among　heads　of　families　that　Franklin　acquired　his　great
genius　by　working　for