sketches new and old-第24章

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　　　　　subject；　from　time　to　time；　as　you　may　desire　it　and　the　Post…office
　　　　　Department　be　enabled　to　furnish　it　to　me。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃'Very　truly；　etc。；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃'MARK　TWAIN；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃'For　James　W。　N…；　U。　S。　Senator。'


〃Therenow　what　do　you　think　of　that？〃

〃Well；　I　don't　know；　sir。　　Itwell；　it　appears　to　meto　be　dubious
enough。〃

〃Du　leave　the　house！　　I　am　a　ruined　man。　Those　Humboldt　savages　never
will　forgive　me　for　tangling　their　brains　up　with　this　inhuman　letter。
I　have　lost　the　respect　of　the　Methodist　Church；　the　board　of　aldermen〃

〃Well；　I　haven't　anything　to　say　about　that；　because　I　may　have　missed　it
a　little　in　their　cases；　but　I　was　too　many　for　the　Baldwin's　Ranch
people；　General！〃

〃Leave　the　house！　　Leave　it　forever　and　forever；　too。〃

I　regarded　that　as　a　sort　of　covert　intimation　that　my　service　could　be
dispensed　with；　and　so　I　resigned。　　I　never　will　be　a　private　secretary
to　a　senator　again。　　You　can't　please　that　kind　of　people。　　They　don't
know　anything。　　They　can't　appreciate　a　party's　efforts。






A　FASHION　ITEM　＇Written　about　1867。＇

At　General　G's　reception　the　other　night；　the　most　fashionably
dressed　lady　was　Mrs。　G。　C。　　She　wore　a　pink　satin　dress；　plain　in　front
but　with　a　good　deal　of　rake　to　itto　the　train；　I　mean；　it　was　said　to
be　two　or　three　yards　long。　　One　could　see　it　creeping　along　the　floor
some　little　time　after　the　woman　was　gone。　　Mrs。　C。　wore　also　a　white
bodice；　cut　bias；　with　Pompadour　sleeves；　flounced　with　ruches；　low　neck；
with　the　inside　handkerchief　not　visible；　with　white　kid　gloves。　　She　had
on　a　pearl　necklace；　which　glinted　lonely；　high　up　the　midst　of　that
barren　waste　of　neck　and　shoulders。　　Her　hair　was　frizzled　into　a　tangled
chaparral；　forward　of　her　ears；　aft　it　was　drawn　together；　and　compactly
bound　and　plaited　into　a　stump　like　a　pony's　tail；　and　furthermore　was
canted　upward　at　a　sharp　angle；　and　ingeniously　supported　by　a　red　velvet
crupper；　whose　forward　extremity　was　made　fast　with　a　half…hitch　around　a
hairpin　on　the　top　of　her　head。　　Her　whole　top　hamper　was　neat　and
becoming。　　She　had　a　beautiful　complexion　when　she　first　came；　but　it
faded　out　by　degrees　in　an　unaccountable　way。　　However；　it　is　not　lost
for　good。　　I　found　the　most　of　it　on　my　shoulder　afterward。　　（I　stood
near　the　door　when　she　squeezed　out　with　the　throng。）　　There　were　other
ladies　present；　but　I　only　took　notes　of　one　as　a　specimen。　　I　would
gladly　enlarge　upon　the　subject　were　I　able　to　do　it　justice。






RILEY…NEWSPAPER　CORRESPONDENT

One　of　the　best　men　in　Washingtonor　elsewhereis　RILEY；　correspondent
of　one　of　the　great　San　Francisco　dailies。

Riley　is　full　of　humor；　and　has　an　unfailing　vein　of　irony；　which　makes
his　conversation　to　the　last　degree　entertaining　（as　long　as　the　remarks
are　about　somebody　else）。　　But　notwithstanding　the　possession　of　these
qualities；　which　should　enable　a　man　to　write　a　happy　and　an　appetizing
letter；　Riley's　newspaper　letters　often　display　a　more　than　earthly
solemnity；　and　likewise　an　unimaginative　devotion　to　petrified　facts；
which　surprise　and　distress　all　men　who　know　him　in　his　unofficial
character。　　He　explains　this　curious　thing　by　saying　that　his　employers
sent　him　to　Washington　to　write　facts；　not　fancy；　and　that　several　times
he　has　come　near　losing　his　situation　by　inserting　humorous　remarks
which；　not　being　looked　for　at　headquarters；　and　consequently　not
understood；　were　thought　to　be　dark　and　bloody　speeches　intended　to
convey　signals　and　warnings　to　murderous　secret　societies；　or　something
of　that　kind；　and　so　were　scratched　out　with　a　shiver　and　a　prayer　and
cast　into　the　stove。　　Riley　says　that　sometimes　he　is　so　afflicted　with
a　yearning　to　write　a　sparkling　and　absorbingly　readable　letter　that　he
simply　cannot　resist　it；　and　so　he　goes　to　his　den　and　revels　in　the
delight　of　untrammeled　scribbling；　and　then；　with　suffering　such　as　only
a　mother　can　know；　he　destroys　the　pretty　children　of　his　fancy　and
reduces　his　letter　to　the　required　dismal　accuracy。　　Having　seen　Riley　do
this　very　thing　more　than　once；　I　know　whereof　I　speak。　　Often　I　have
laughed　with　him　over　a　happy　passage；　and　grieved　to　see　him　plow　his
pen　through　it。　　He　would　say；　〃I　had　to　write　that　or　die；　and　I've　got
to　scratch　it　out　or　starve。　　They　wouldn't　stand　it；　you　know。〃

I　think　Riley　is　about　the　most　entertaining　company　I　ever　saw。　　We
lodged　together　in　many　places　in　Washington　during　the　winter　of　'67…8；
moving　comfortably　from　place　to　place；　and　attracting　attention　by
paying　our　boarda　course　which　cannot　fail　to　make　a　person　conspicuous
in　Washington。　　Riley　would　tell　all　about　his　trip　to　California　in　the
early　days；　by　way　of　the　Isthmus　and　the　San　Juan　River；　and　about　his
baking　bread　in　San　Francisco　to　gain　a　living；　and　setting　up　tenpins；
and　practising　law；　and　opening　oysters；　and　delivering　lectures；　and
teaching　French；　and　tending　bar；　and　reporting　for　the　newspapers；　and
keeping　dancing…schools；　and　interpreting　Chinese　in　the　courtswhich
latter　was　lucrative；　and　Riley　was　doing　handsomely　and　laying　up　a
little　money　when　people　began　to　find　fault　because　his　translations
were　too　〃free；〃　a　thing　for　which　Riley　considered　he　ought　not　to　be
held　responsible；　since　he　did　not　know　a　word　of　the　Chinese　tongue；　and
only　adopted　interpreting　as　a　means　of　gaining　an　honest　livelihood。
Through　the　machinations　of　enemies　he　was　removed　from　the　position　of
official　interpreter；　and　a　man　put　in　his　place　who　was　familiar　with
the　Chinese　language；　but　did　not　know　any　English。　　And　Riley　used　to
tell　about　publishing　a　newspaper　up　in　what　is　Alaska　now；　but　was　only
an　iceberg　then；　with　a　population　composed　of　bears；　walruses；　Indians；
and　other　animals；　and　how　the　iceberg　got　adrift　at　last；　and　left　all
his　paying　subscribers　behind；　and　as　soon　as　the　commonwealth　floated
out　of　the　jurisdiction　of　Russia　the　people　rose　and　threw　off　their
allegiance　and　ran　up　the　English　flag；　calculating　to　hook　on　and　become
an　English　colony　as　they　drifted　along　down　the　British　Possessions；　but
a　land　breeze　and　a　crooked　current　carried　them　by；　and　they　ran　up　the
Stars　and　Stripes　and　steered　for　California；　missed　the　connection　again
and　swore　allegiance　to　Mexico；　but　it　wasn't　any　use；　the　anchors　came
home　every　time；　and　away　they　went　with　the　northeast　trades　drifting
off　sideways　toward　the　Sandwich　Islands；　whereupon　they　ran　up　the
Cannibal　flag　and　had　a　grand　human　barbecue　in　honor　of　it；　in　which　it
was　noticed　that　the　better　a　man　liked　a　friend　the　better　he　enjoyed
him；　and　as　soon　as　they　got　fairly　within　the　tropics　the　weather　got　so
fearfully　hot　that　the　iceberg　began　to　melt；　and　it　got　so　sloppy　under
foot　that　it　was　almost　impossible　for　ladies　to　get　about　at　all；　and　at
last；　just　as　they　came　in　sight　of　the　islands；　the　melancholy　remnant
of　the　once　majestic　iceberg　canted　first　to　one　side　and　then　to　the
other；　and　then　plunged　under　forever；　carrying　the　national　archives
along　with　itand　not　only　the　archives　and　the　populace；　but　some
eligible　town　lots　which　had　increased　in　value　as　fast　as　they
diminished　in　size　in　the　tropics；　and　which　Riley　could　have　sold　at
thirty　cents　a　pound　and　made　himself　rich　if　he　could　have　kept　the
province　afloat　ten　hours　longer　and　got　her　into　port。

Riley　is　very　methodical；　untiringly　accommodating；　never　forgets
anything　that　is　to　be　attended　to；　is　a　good　son；　a　stanch　friend；　and　a
permanent　reliable　enemy。　　He　will　put　himself　to　any　amount　of　trouble
to　oblige　a　body；　and　therefore　always　has　his　hands　full　of　things　to　be
done　for　the　helpless　and　the　shiftless。　　And　he　knows　how　to　do　nearly
everything；　too。　　He　is　a　man　whose　native　benevolence　is　a　well…spring
that　never　goes　dry。　　He　stands　always　ready　to　help　whoever　needs　help；
as　far　as　he　is　ableand　not　simply　with　his　money；　for　that　is　a　cheap
and　common　charity；　but　with　hand　and　brain；　and　fatigue　of　limb　and
sacrifice　of　time。　　This　sort　of　men　is　rare。

Riley　has　a　ready　wit；　a　quickness　and　aptness　at　selecting　and　applying
quotations；　and　a　countenance　that　is　as　solemn　and　as　blank　as　the　back
side　of　a　tombstone　when　he　is　delivering　a　particularly　exasperating
joke。　　One　night　a　negro　woman　was　burned　to　death　in　a　house　next　door
to　us；　and　Riley　said　that　our　landlady　would　be　oppressively　emotional
at　breakfast；　because　she　generally　made　use　of　such　opportunities　as
offered；　being　of　a　morbidly　sentimental　turn；　and　so　we　should　find　it
best　to　let　her　talk　along　and　say　nothing　backit　was　the　only　way　to
keep　her　tears　out　of　the　gravy。　　Riley　said　there　never　was　a　funeral　in
the　neighborhood　but　that　the　gravy　was　watery　for　a　week。

And；　sure　enough；　at　breakfast　the　landlady　was　down　in　the　very　sloughs
of　woeentirely　brokenhearted。　　Everything　she　looked　at　reminded　her　of
that　poor　old　negro　woman；　and　so　the　buckwheat　cakes　made　her　sob；　the
coffee　forced　a　groan；　and　when　the　beefsteak　came　on　she　fetched　a　wail
that　made　our　hair　rise。　　Then　she　got　to　talking　about　deceased；　and
kept　up　a　steady　drizzle　till　both　of　us　were　soaked　through　and　through。
Presently　she　took　a　fresh　breath　and　said；　with　a　world　of　sobs：

〃Ah；　to　think　of　it；　only　to　think　of　it！the　poor　old　faithful
creature。　　For　she　was　so　faithful。　　Would　you　believe　it；　she　had　been　a
servant　in　that　selfsame　house　and　that　selfsame　family　for　twenty　seven
years　come　Christmas；　and　never　a　cross　word　and　never　a　lick！　　And；　oh；
to　think　she　should　meet　such　a　death　at　last！a…sitting　over　the　red
hot　stove　at　three　o'clock　in　the　morning　and　went　to　sleep　and　fell　on
it　and　was　actually　roasted！　　Not　just　frizzled　up　a　bit；　but　literally
roasted　to　a　crisp！　　Poor　faithful　creature；　how　she　was　cooked！　　I　am
but　a　poor　woman；　but　even　if　I　have　to　scrimp　to　do　it；　I　will　put　up　a
tombstone　over　that　lone　sufferer's　graveand　Mr。　Riley　if　you　would
have　the　goodness　to　think　up　a　little　epitaph　to　put　on　it　which　would
sort　of　describe　the　awful　way　in　which　she　met　her〃

〃Put　it；　'Well　done；　good　and　faithful　servant；'〃　said　Riley；　and　never
smiled。






A　FINE　OLD　MAN

John　Wagner；　the　oldest　man　in　Buffaloone　hundred　and　four　years　old
recently　walked　a　mile　and　a　half　in　two　weeks。

He　is　as　cheerful　and　bright　as　any　of　these　other　old　men　that　charge
around　so　persistently　and　tiresomely　in　the　newspapers；　and　in　every　way
as　remarkable。

Last　November　he　walked　five　blocks　in　a　rainstorm；　without　any　shelter
but　an　umbrella；　and　cast　his　vote　for　Grant；　remarking　that　he　had　voted
for　forty…seven　presidentswhich　was　a　lie。

His　〃second　crop〃　of　rich　brown　hair　arrived　from　New　York　yesterday；　and
he　has　a　new　set　of　teeth　coming　from　Philadelphia。

He　is　to　be　married　next　week　to　a　girl　one　hundred　and　two　years　old；
who　still　takes　in　washing。

They　have　been　engaged　eighty　years；　but　their　parents　persistently
refused　their　consent　until　three　days　ago。

John　Wagner　is　two　years　older　than　the　Rhode　Island　veteran；