the idle thoughts of an idle fellow[1].(一个浪子的随想)-第7章
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〃Oo naughtyoo naughty； bad unkieoo bad manme tell MAR。〃
And she did； too。
Since then； when my views have been called for I have kept my real
sentiments more to myself like； preferring to express unbounded
admiration of this young person's actions； irrespective of their actual
merits。 And she nods her head approvingly and trots off to advertise my
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
opinion to the rest of the household。 She appears to employ it as a sort of
testimonial for mercenary purposes； for I subsequently hear distant sounds
of 〃Unkie says me dood dirlme dot to have two bikkies ＇biscuits＇。〃
There she goes； now； gazing rapturously at her own toes and
murmuring 〃pittie〃two…foot…ten of conceit and vanity； to say nothing of
other wickednesses。
They are all alike。 I remember sitting in a garden one sunny afternoon
in the suburbs of London。 Suddenly I heard a shrill treble voice calling
from a top…story window to some unseen being； presumably in one of the
other gardens； 〃Gamma； me dood boy； me wery good boy； gamma； me dot
on Bob's knickiebockies。〃
Why； even animals are vain。 I saw a great Newfoundland dog the other
day sitting in front of a mirror at the entrance to a shop in Regent's Circus；
and examining himself with an amount of smug satisfaction that I have
never seen equaled elsewhere outside a vestry meeting。
I was at a farm…house once when some high holiday was being
celebrated。 I don't remember what the occasion was； but it was something
festive； a May Day or Quarter Day； or something of that sort； and they put
a garland of flowers round the head of one of the cows。 Well； that absurd
quadruped went about all day as perky as a schoolgirl in a new frock； and
when they took the wreath off she became quite sulky； and they had to put
it on again before she would stand still to be milked。 This is not a Percy
anecdote。 It is plain； sober truth。
As for cats； they nearly equal human beings for vanity。 I have known a
cat get up and walk out of the room on a remark derogatory to her species
being made by a visitor； while a neatly turned compliment will set them
purring for an hour。
I do like cats。 They are so unconsciously amusing。 There is such a
comic dignity about them； such a 〃How dare you！〃 〃Go away； don't touch
me〃 sort of air。 Now； there is nothing haughty about a dog。 They are 〃Hail；
fellow； well met〃 with every Tom； Dick； or Harry that they come across。
When I meet a dog of my acquaintance I slap his head； call him
opprobrious epithets； and roll him over on his back； and there he lies；
gaping at me； and doesn't mind it a bit。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
Fancy carrying on like that with a cat！ Why； she would never speak to
you again as long as you lived。 No； when you want to win the approbation
of a cat you must mind what you are about and work your way carefully。 If
you don't know the cat； you had best begin by saying； 〃Poor pussy。〃 After
which add 〃did 'ums〃 in a tone of soothing sympathy。 You don't know
what you mean any more than the cat does； but the sentiment seems to
imply a proper spirit on your part； and generally touches her feelings to
such an extent that if you are of good manners and passable appearance
she will stick her back up and rub her nose against you。 Matters having
reached this stage； you may venture to chuck her under the chin and tickle
the side of her head； and the intelligent creature will then stick her claws
into your legs； and all is friendship and affection； as so sweetly expressed
in the beautiful lines
〃I love little pussy； her coat is so warm； And if I don't tease her she'll
do me no harm； So I'll stroke her； and pat her； and feed her with food； And
pussy will love me because I am good。〃 The last two lines of the stanza
give us a pretty true insight into pussy's notions of human goodness。 it is
evident that in her opinion goodness consists of stroking her； and patting
her； and feeding her with food。 I fear this narrow…minded view of virtue；
though； is not confined to pussies。 We are all inclined to adopt a similar
standard of merit in our estimate of other people。 A good man is a man
who is good to us； and a bad man is a man who doesn't do what we want
him to。 The truth is； we each of us have an inborn conviction that the
whole world； with everybody and everything in it； was created as a sort of
necessary appendage to ourselves。 Our fellow men and women were made
to admire us and to minister to our various requirements。 You and I； dear
reader； are each the center of the universe in our respective opinions。 You；
as I understand it； were brought into being by a considerate Providence in
order that you might read and pay me for what I write； while I； in your
opinion； am an article sent into the world to write something for you to
read。 The starsas we term the myriad other worlds that are rushing down
beside us through the eternal silencewere put into the heavens to make
the sky look interesting for us at night； and the moon with its dark
mysteries and ever…hidden face is an arrangement for us to flirt under。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
I fear we are most of us like Mrs。 Poyser's bantam cock； who fancied
the sun got up every morning to hear him crow。 〃'Tis vanity that makes the
world go round。〃 I don't believe any man ever existed without vanity； and
if he did he would be an extremely uncomfortable person to have anything
to do with。 He would； of course； be a very good man； and we should
respect him very much。 He would be a very admirable mana man to be
put under a glass case and shown round as a specimena man to be stuck
upon a pedestal and copied； like a school exercisea man to be reverenced；
but not a man to be loved； not a human brother whose hand we should care
to grip。 Angels may be very excellent sort of folk in their way； but we；
poor mortals； in our present state； would probably find them precious slow
company。 Even mere good people are rather depressing。 It is in our faults
and failings； not in our virtues； that we touch one another and find
sympathy。 We differ widely enough in our nobler qualities。 It is in our
follies that we are at one。 Some of us are pious； some of us are generous。
Some few of us are honest； comparatively speaking； and some； fewer still；
may possibly be truthful。 But in vanity and kindred weaknesses we can all
join hands。 Vanity is one of those touches of nature that make the whole
world kin。 From the Indian hunter； proud of his belt of scalps； to the
European general； swelling beneath his row of stars and medals； from the
Chinese； gleeful at the length of his pigtail； to the 〃professional beauty；〃
suffering tortures in order that her waist may resemble a peg…top； from
draggle…tailed little Polly Stiggins； strutting through Seven Dials with a
tattered parasol over her head； to the princess sweeping through a
drawing…room with a train of four yards long； from 'Arry； winning by
vulgar chaff the loud laughter of his pals； to the statesman whose ears are
tickled by the cheers that greet his high…sounding periods； from the dark…
skinned African； bartering his rare oils and ivory for a few glass beads to
hang about his neck； to the Christian maiden selling her white body for a
score of tiny stones and an empty title to tack before her nameall march；
and fight； and bleed； and die beneath its tawdry flag。
Ay； ay； vanity is truly the motive…power that moves humanity； and it is
flattery that greases the wheels。 If you want to win affection and respect in
this world； you must flatter people。 Flatter high and low； and rich and poor；
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
and silly and wise。 You will get on famously。 Praise this man's virtues and
that man's vices。 Compliment everybody upon everything； and especially
upon what they haven't got。 Admire guys for their beauty； fools for their
wit； and boors for their breeding。 Your discernment and intelligence will
be extolled to the skies。
Every one can be got over by flattery。 The belted earl〃belted earl〃 is
the correct phrase； I believe。 I don't know what it means； unless it be an
earl that wears a belt instead of braces。 Some men do。 I don't like it myself。
You have to keep the thing so tight for it to be of any use； and that is
uncomfortable。 Anyhow； whatever particular kind of an earl a belted earl
may be； he is； I assert； get…overable by flattery； just as every other human
being is； from a duchess to a cat's…meat man； from a plow boy to a poet
and the poet far easier than the plowboy； for butter sinks better into
wheaten bread than into oaten cakes。
As for love； flattery is its very life…blood。 Fill a person with love for
themselves； and what runs over will be your share； says a certain witty and
truthful Frenchman whose name I can't for the life of me remember。
（Confound it！ I never can remember names when I want to。） Tell a girl she
is an angel； only more angelic than an angel； that she is a goddess； only
more graceful； queenly； and heavenly than the average goddess； that she is
more fairy…like than Titania； more beautiful than Venus； more enchanting
than Parthenope； more adorable； lovely； and radiant； in short； than any
other woman that ever did live； does live； or could live； and you will make
a very favorable impression upon her trusting little heart。 Sweet innocent！
she will believe every word you say。 It is so easy to deceive a womanin
this way。
Dear little souls； they hate flattery； so they tell you； and when you say；
〃Ah； darling； it isn't flattery in your case； it's plain； sober truth； you really
are； without exaggeration； the most beautiful； the most good； the most
charming； the most divine； the
