the idle thoughts of an idle fellow[1].(一个浪子的随想)-第6章
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Robinson Crusoe for a patch on his trousers？ Did he wear trousers？ I
forget； or did he go about as he does in the pantomimes？ What did it
matter to him if his toes did stick out of his boots？ and what if his
umbrella was a cotton one； so long as it kept the rain off？ His shabbiness
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
did not trouble him； there was none of his friends round about to sneer
him。
Being poor is a mere trifle。 It is being known to be poor that is the
sting。 It is not cold that makes a man without a great…coat hurry along so
quickly。 It is not all shame at telling lieswhich he knows will not be
believedthat makes him turn so red when he informs you that he
considers great…coats unhealthy and never carries an umbrella on principle。
It is easy enough to say that poverty is no crime。 No； if it were men
wouldn't be ashamed of it。 It's a blunder； though； and is punished as such。
A poor man is despised the whole world over； despised as much by a
Christian as by a lord； as much by a demagogue as by a footman； and not
all the copy…book maxims ever set for ink stained youth will make him
respected。 Appearances are everything； so far as human opinion goes； and
the man who will walk down Piccadilly arm in arm with the most
notorious scamp in London； provided he is a well…dressed one； will slink
up a back street to say a couple of words to a seedy…looking gentleman。
And the seedy…looking gentleman knows thisno one betterand will go a
mile round to avoid meeting an acquaintance。 Those that knew him in his
prosperity need never trouble themselves to look the other way。 He is a
thousand times more anxious that they should not see him than they can be；
and as to their assistance； there is nothing he dreads more than the offer of
it。 All he wants is to be forgotten； and in this respect he is generally
fortunate enough to get what he wants。
One becomes used to being hard up； as one becomes used to
everything else； by the help of that wonderful old homeopathic doctor；
Time。 You can tell at a glance the difference between the old hand and the
novice； between the case…hardened man who has been used to shift and
struggle for years and the poor devil of a beginner striving to hide his
misery； and in a constant agony of fear lest he should be found out。
Nothing shows this difference more clearly than the way in which each
will pawn his watch。 As the poet says somewhere： 〃True ease in pawning
comes from art； not chance。〃 The one goes into his 〃uncle's〃 with as much
composure as he would into his tailor'svery likely with more。 The
assistant is even civil and attends to him at once； to the great indignation
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
of the lady in the next box； who； however； sarcastically observes that she
don't mind being kept waiting 〃if it is a regular customer。〃 Why； from the
pleasant and businesslike manner in which the transaction is carried out； it
might be a large purchase in the three per cents。 Yet what a piece of work a
man makes of his first 〃pop。〃 A boy popping his first question is
confidence itself compared with him。 He hangs about outside the shop
until he has succeeded in attracting the attention of all the loafers in the
neighborhood and has aroused strong suspicions in the mind of the
policeman on the beat。 At last； after a careful examination of the contents
of the windows； made for the purpose of impressing the bystanders with
the notion that he is going in to purchase a diamond bracelet or some such
trifle； he enters； trying to do so with a careless swagger； and giving
himself really the air of a member of the swell mob。 When inside he
speaks in so low a voice as to be perfectly inaudible； and has to say it all
over again。 When； in the course of his rambling conversation about a
〃friend〃 of his； the word 〃lend〃 is reached； he is promptly told to go up the
court on the right and take the first door round the corner。 He comes out of
the shop with a face that you could easily light a cigarette at； and firmly
under the impression that the whole population of the district is watching
him。 When he does get to the right place he has forgotten his name and
address and is in a general condition of hopeless imbecility。 Asked in a
severe tone how he came by 〃this；〃 he stammers and contradicts himself；
and it is only a miracle if he does not confess to having stolen it that very
day。 He is thereupon informed that they don't want anything to do with his
sort； and that he had better get out of this as quickly as possible； which he
does； recollecting nothing more until he finds himself three miles off；
without the slightest knowledge how he got there。
By the way； how awkward it is； though； having to depend on public…
houses and churches for the time。 The former are generally too fast and the
latter too slow。 Besides which； your efforts to get a glimpse of the public
house clock from the outside are attended with great difficulties。 If you
gently push the swing…door ajar and peer in you draw upon yourself the
contemptuous looks of the barmaid； who at once puts you down in the
same category with area sneaks and cadgers。 You also create a certain
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
amount of agitation among the married portion of the customers。 You don't
see the clock because it is behind the door； and in trying to withdraw
quietly you jam your head。 The only other method is to jump up and down
outside the window。 After this latter proceeding； however； if you do not
bring out a banjo and commence to sing； the youthful inhabitants of the
neighborhood； who have gathered round in expectation； become
disappointed。
I should like to know； too； by what mysterious law of nature it is that
before you have left your watch 〃to be repaired〃 half an hour； some one is
sure to stop you in the street and conspicuously ask you the time。 Nobody
even feels the slightest curiosity on the subject when you've got it on。
Dear old ladies and gentlemen who know nothing about being hard up…
…and may they never； bless their gray old headslook upon the pawn…shop
as the last stage of degradation； but those who know it better （and my
readers have no doubt； noticed this themselves） are often surprised； like
the little boy who dreamed he went to heaven； at meeting so many people
there that they never expected to see。 For my part； I think it a much more
independent course than borrowing from friends； and I always try to
impress this upon those of my acquaintance who incline toward 〃wanting
a couple of pounds till the day after to…morrow。〃 But they won't all see it。
One of them once remarked that he objected to the principle of the thing。 I
fancy if he had said it was the interest that he objected to he would have
been nearer the truth： twenty…five per cent。 certainly does come heavy。
There are degrees in being hard up。 We are all hard up； more or less
most of us more。 Some are hard up for a thousand pounds； some for a
shilling。 Just at this moment I am hard up myself for a fiver。 I only want it
for a day or two。 I should be certain of paying it back within a week at the
outside； and if any lady or gentleman among my readers would kindly
lend it me； I should be very much obliged indeed。 They could send it to
me under cover to Messrs。 Field & Tuer； only； in such case； please let the
envelope be carefully sealed。 I would give you my I。O。U。 as security。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
ON VANITY AND VANITIES。
All is vanity and everybody's vain。 Women are terribly vain。 So are
menmore so； if possible。 So are children； particularly children。 One of
them at this very moment is hammering upon my legs。 She wants to know
what I think of her new shoes。 Candidly I don't think much of them。 They
lack symmetry and curve and possess an indescribable appearance of
lumpiness （I believe； too； they've put them on the wrong feet）。 But I don't
say this。 It is not criticism； but flattery that she wants； and I gush over
them with what I feel to myself to be degrading effusiveness。 Nothing else
would satisfy this self…opinionated cherub。 I tried the conscientious…friend
dodge with her on one occasion； but it was not a success。 She had
requested my judgment upon her general conduct and behavior； the exact
case submitted being； 〃Wot oo tink of me？ Oo peased wi' me？〃 and I had
thought it a good opportunity to make a few salutary remarks upon her late
moral career； and said： 〃No； I am not pleased with you。〃 I recalled to her
mind the events of that very morning； and I put it to her how she； as a
Christian child； could expect a wise and good uncle to be satisfied with the
carryings on of an infant who that very day had roused the whole house at
five AM。； had upset a water…jug and tumbled downstairs after it at seven；
had endeavored to put the cat in the bath at eight； and sat on her own
father's hat at nine thirty…five。
What did she do？ Was she grateful to me for my plain speaking？ Did
she ponder upon my words and determine to profit by them and to lead
from that hour a better and nobler life？
No！ she howled。
That done； she became abusive。 She said：
〃Oo naughtyoo naughty； bad unkieoo bad manme tell MAR。〃
And she did； too。
Since then； when
