the club of queer trades-第7章

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ficult　to　keep　my　countenance。〃

〃Difficult　to　keep　your　countenance；〃　cried　Mr　Wimpole；　with　an　air　of　alarm；　〃oh；　do　keep　your　countenance！　Keep　it　in　the　British　Museum。〃

Every　one　laughed　uproariously；　as　they　always　do　at　an　already　admitted　readiness；　and　Sir　Walter；　turning　suddenly　purple；　shouted　out：

〃Do　you　know　who　you　are　talking　to；　with　your　confounded　tomfooleries？〃

〃I　never　talk　tomfooleries；〃　said　the　other；　〃without　first　knowing　my　audience。〃

Grant　walked　across　the　room　and　tapped　the　red…moustached　secretary　on　the　shoulder。　That　gentleman　was　leaning　against　the　wall　regarding　the　whole　scene　with　a　great　deal　of　gloom；　but；　I　fancied；　with　very　particular　gloom　when　his　eyes　fell　on　the　young　lady　of　the　house　rapturously　listening　to　Wimpole。

〃May　I　have　a　word　with　you　outside；　Drummond？〃　asked　Grant。　〃It　is　about　business。　Lady　Beaumont　will　excuse　us。〃

I　followed　my　friend；　at　his　own　request；　greatly　wondering；　to　this　strange　external　interview。　We　passed　abruptly　into　a　kind　of　side　room　out　of　the　hall。

〃Drummond；〃　said　Basil　sharply；　〃there　are　a　great　many　good　people；　and　a　great　many　sane　people　here　this　afternoon。　Unfortunately；　by　a　kind　of　coincidence；　all　the　good　people　are　mad；　and　all　the　sane　people　are　wicked。　You　are　the　only　person　I　know　of　here　who　is　honest　and　has　also　some　common　sense。　What　do　you　make　of　Wimpole？〃

Mr　Secretary　Drummond　had　a　pale　face　and　red　hair；　but　at　this　his　face　became　suddenly　as　red　as　his　moustache。

〃I　am　not　a　fair　judge　of　him；〃　he　said。

〃Why　not？〃　asked　Grant。

〃Because　I　hate　him　like　hell；〃　said　the　other；　after　a　long　pause　and　violently。

Neither　Grant　nor　I　needed　to　ask　the　reason；　his　glances　towards　Miss　Beaumont　and　the　stranger　were　sufficiently　illuminating。　Grant　said　quietly：

〃But　beforebefore　you　came　to　hate　him；　what　did　you　really　think　of　him？〃

〃I　am　in　a　terrible　difficulty；〃　said　the　young　man；　and　his　voice　told　us；　like　a　clear　bell；　that　he　was　an　honest　man。　〃If　I　spoke　about　him　as　I　feel　about　him　now；　I　could　not　trust　myself。　And　I　should　like　to　be　able　to　say　that　when　I　first　saw　him　I　thought　he　was　charming。　But　again；　the　fact　is　I　didn't。　I　hate　him；　that　is　my　private　affair。　But　I　also　disapprove　of　himreally　I　do　believe　I　disapprove　of　him　quite　apart　from　my　private　feelings。　When　first　he　came；　I　admit　he　was　much　quieter；　but　I　did　not　like；　so　to　speak；　the　moral　swell　of　him。　Then　that　jolly　old　Sir　Walter　Cholmondeliegh　got　introduced　to　us；　and　this　fellow；　with　his　cheap…jack　wit；　began　to　score　off　the　old　man　in　the　way　he　does　now。　Then　I　felt　that　he　must　be　a　bad　lot；　it　must　be　bad　to　fight　the　old　and　the　kindly。　And　he　fights　the　poor　old　chap　savagely；　unceasingly；　as　if　he　hated　old　age　and　kindliness。　Take；　if　you　want　it；　the　evidence　of　a　prejudiced　witness。　I　admit　that　I　hate　the　man　because　a　certain　person　admires　him。　But　I　believe　that　apart　from　that　I　should　hate　the　man　because　old　Sir　Walter　hates　him。〃

This　speech　affected　me　with　a　genuine　sense　of　esteem　and　pity　for　the　young　man；　that　is；　of　pity　for　him　because　of　his　obviously　hopeless　worship　of　Miss　Beaumont；　and　of　esteem　for　him　because　of　the　direct　realistic　account　of　the　history　of　Wimpole　which　he　had　given。　Still；　I　was　sorry　that　he　seemed　so　steadily　set　against　the　man；　and　could　not　help　referring　it　to　an　instinct　of　his　personal　relations；　however　nobly　disguised　from　himself。

In　the　middle　of　these　meditations；　Grant　whispered　in　my　ear　what　was　perhaps　the　most　startling　of　all　interruptions。

〃In　the　name　of　God；　let's　get　away。〃

I　have　never　known　exactly　in　how　odd　a　way　this　odd　old　man　affected　me。　I　only　know　that　for　some　reason　or　other　he　so　affected　me　that　I　was；　within　a　few　minutes；　in　the　street　outside。

〃This；〃　he　said；　〃is　a　beastly　but　amusing　affair。〃

〃What　is？〃　I　asked；　baldly　enough。

〃This　affair。　Listen　to　me；　my　old　friend。　Lord　and　Lady　Beaumont　have　just　invited　you　and　me　to　a　grand　dinner…party　this　very　night；　at　which　Mr　Wimpole　will　be　in　all　his　glory。　Well；　there　is　nothing　very　extraordinary　about　that。　The　extraordinary　thing　is　that　we　are　not　going。〃

〃Well；　really；〃　I　said；　〃it　is　already　six　o'clock　and　I　doubt　if　we　could　get　home　and　dress。　I　see　nothing　extraordinary　in　the　fact　that　we　are　not　going。〃

〃Don't　you？〃　said　Grant。　〃I'll　bet　you'll　see　something　extraordinary　in　what　we're　doing　instead。〃

I　looked　at　him　blankly。

〃Doing　instead？〃　I　asked。　〃What　are　we　doing　instead？〃

〃Why；〃　said　he；　〃we　are　waiting　for　one　or　two　hours　outside　this　house　on　a　winter　evening。　You　must　forgive　me；　it　is　all　my　vanity。　It　is　only　to　show　you　that　I　am　right。　Can　you；　with　the　assistance　of　this　cigar；　wait　until　both　Sir　Walter　Cholmondeliegh　and　the　mystic　Wimpole　have　left　this　house？〃

〃Certainly；〃　I　said。　〃But　I　do　not　know　which　is　likely　to　leave　first。　Have　you　any　notion？〃

〃No；〃　he　said。　〃Sir　Walter　may　leave　first　in　a　glow　of　rage。　Or　again；　Mr　Wimpole　may　leave　first；　feeling　that　his　last　epigram　is　a　thing　to　be　flung　behind　him　like　a　firework。　And　Sir　Walter　may　remain　some　time　to　analyse　Mr　Wimpole's　character。　But　they　will　both　have　to　leave　within　reasonable　time；　for　they　will　both　have　to　get　dressed　and　come　back　to　dinner　here　tonight。〃

As　he　spoke　the　shrill　double　whistle　from　the　porch　of　the　great　house　drew　a　dark　cab　to　the　dark　portal。　And　then　a　thing　happened　that　we　really　had　not　expected。　Mr　Wimpole　and　Sir　Walter　Cholmondeliegh　came　out　at　the　same　moment。

They　paused　for　a　second　or　two　opposite　each　other　in　a　natural　doubt；　then　a　certain　geniality；　fundamental　perhaps　in　both　of　them；　made　Sir　Walter　smile　and　say：　〃The　night　is　foggy。　Pray　take　my　cab。〃

Before　I　could　count　twenty　the　cab　had　gone　rattling　up　the　street　with　both　of　them。　And　before　I　could　count　twenty…three　Grant　had　hissed　in　my　ear：

〃Run　after　the　cab；　run　as　if　you　were　running　from　a　mad　dog　run。〃

We　pelted　on　steadily；　keeping　the　cab　in　sight；　through　dark　mazy　streets。　God　only；　I　thought；　knows　why　we　are　running　at　all；　but　we　are　running　hard。　Fortunately　we　did　not　run　far。　The　cab　pulled　up　at　the　fork　of　two　streets　and　Sir　Walter　paid　the　cabman；　who　drove　away　rejoicing；　having　just　come　in　contact　with　the　more　generous　among　the　rich。　Then　the　two　men　talked　together　as　men　do　talk　together　after　giving　and　receiving　great　insults；　the　talk　which　leads　either　to　forgiveness　or　a　duelat　least　so　it　seemed　as　we　watched　it　from　ten　yards　off。　Then　the　two　men　shook　hands　heartily；　and　one　went　down　one　fork　of　the　road　and　one　down　another。

Basil；　with　one　of　his　rare　gestures；　flung　his　arms　forward。

〃Run　after　that　scoundrel；〃　he　cried；　〃let　us　catch　him　now。〃

We　dashed　across　the　open　space　and　reached　the　juncture　of　two　paths。

〃Stop！〃　I　shouted　wildly　to　Grant。　〃That's　the　wrong　turning。〃

He　ran　on。

〃Idiot！〃　I　howled。　〃Sir　Walter's　gone　down　there。　Wimpole　has　slipped　us。　He's　half　a　mile　down　the　other　road。　You're　wrong　。　。　。　Are　you　deaf？　You're　wrong！〃

〃I　don't　think　I　am；〃　he　panted；　and　ran　on。

〃But　I　saw　him！〃　I　cried。　〃Look　in　front　of　you。　Is　that　Wimpole？　It's　the　old　man　。　。　。　What　are　you　doing？　What　are　we　to　do？〃

〃Keep　running；〃　said　Grant。

Running　soon　brought　us　up　to　the　broad　back　of　the　pompous　old　baronet；　whose　white　whiskers　shone　silver　in　the　fitful　lamplight。　My　brain　was　utterly　bewildered。　I　grasped　nothing。

〃Charlie；〃　said　Basil　hoarsely；　〃can　you　believe　in　my　common　sense　for　four　minutes？〃

〃Of　course；〃　I　said；　panting。

〃Then　help　me　to　catch　that　man　in　front　and　hold　him　down。　Do　it　at　once　when　I　say　‘Now'。　Now！〃

We　sprang　on　Sir　Walter　Cholmondeliegh；　and　rolled　that　portly　old　gentleman　on　his　back。　He　fought　with　a　commendable　valour；　but　we　got　him　tight。　I　had　not　the　remotest　notion　why。　He　had　a　splendid　and　full…blooded　vigour；　when　he　could　not　box　he　kicked；　and　we　bound　him；　when　he　could　not　kick　he　shouted；　and　we　gagged　him。　Then；　by　Basil's　arrangement；　we　dragged　him　into　a　small　court　by　the　street　side　and　waited。　As　I　say；　I　had　no　notion　why。

〃I　am　sorry　to　incommode　you；〃　said　Basil　calmly　out　of　the　darkness；　〃but　I　have　made　an　appointment　here。〃

〃An　appointment！〃　I　said　blankly。

〃Yes；〃　he　said；　glancing　calmly　at　the　apoplectic　old　aristocrat　　gagged　on　the　ground；　whose　eyes　were　starting　impotently　from　his　head。　　〃I　have　made　an　appointment　here　with　a　thoroughly　nice　young　fellow。　　An　old　friend。　Jasper　Drummond　his　name　isyou　may　have　met　him　this　　afternoon　at　the　Beaumonts。　He　can　scarcely　come　though　till　the　　Beaumonts'　dinner　is　over。〃

For　I　do　not　know　how　many　hours　we　stood　there　calmly　in　the　darkness。　　By　the　time　those　hours　were　over　I　had　thoroughly　made　up　my　mind　　that　the　same　thing　had　happened　which　had　happened　long　ago　on　the　　bench　of　a　British　Court　of　Justice。　Basil　Grant　had　gone　mad。　I　could　　imagine　no　other　explanation　of　the　facts；　with　the　portly；　purple…faced　　old　country　gentleman　flung　there　strangled　on　the　floor　like　a　bundle　　of　wood。

After　about　four　hours　a　lean　figure　in　evening　dress　rushed　into　the　court。　A　glimpse　of　gaslight　showed　the　red　moustache　and　white　face　of　Jasper　Drummond。

〃Mr　Grant；〃　he　said　blankly；　〃the　thing　is　incredible。　You　were　right；　but　what　did　you　mean？　All　through　this　dinner…party；　where　dukes　and　duchesses　and　editors　of　Quarterlies　had　come　especially　to　hear　him；　that　extraordinary　Wimpole　kept　perfectly　silent。　He　didn't　say　a　funny　thing。　He　didn't　say　anything　at　all。　What　does　it　mean？〃

Grant　pointed　to　the　portly　old　gentleman　on　the　ground。

〃That　is　what　it　means；〃　he　said。

Drummond；　on　observing　a　fat　gentleman　lying　so　calmly　about　the　place；　jumped　back；　as　from　a　mouse。

〃What？〃　he　said　weakly；　〃。　。　。　what？〃

Basil　bent　suddenly　down　and　tore　a　paper　out　of　Sir　Walter's　breastpocket；　a　paper　which　the　baronet；　even　in　his　hampered　state；　seemed　to　make　some　effort　to　retain。

It　was　a　large　loose　piece　of　white　wrapping　paper；　which　Mr　Jasper　Drummond　read　with　a　vacant　eye　and　undisguised　astonishment。　As　far　as　he　could　make　out；　it　consisted　of　a　series　of　questions　and　answers；　or　at　least　of　remarks　and　replies；　arranged　in　the　manner　of　a　catechism。　The　greater　part　of　the　document　had　been　torn　and　obliterated　in　the　struggle；　but　the　termination　remained。　It　ran　as　follows：

C。　Says　。　。　。　Keep　countenance。

W。　Keep　。　。　。　British　Museum。

C。　Know　whom　talk　。　。　。　absurdities。

W。　Never　talk　absurdities　without

〃What　is　it？〃　cried　Drummond；　flinging　the　paper　down　in　a　sort　of　final　fury。

〃What　is　it？〃　replied　Grant；　his　voice　rising　into　a　kind　of　splendid　chant。　〃What　is　it？　It　is　a　great　new　profession。　A　great　new　trade。　A　trifle　immoral；　I　admit；　but　still　great；　like　piracy。〃

〃A　new　profession！〃　said　the　young　man　with　the　red　moustache　vaguely；　〃a　new　trade！〃

〃A　new　trade；〃　repeated　Grant；　with　a　strange　exultation；　〃a　new　profession！　What　a　pity　it　is　immoral。〃

〃But　what　the　deuce　is　it？〃　cried　Drummond　and　I　in　a　breath　of　blasphemy。

〃It　is；〃　said　Grant　calmly；　〃the　great　new　trade　of　the　Organizer　of　Repartee。　T