the club of queer trades-第8章

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〃But　what　the　deuce　is　it？〃　cried　Drummond　and　I　in　a　breath　of　blasphemy。

〃It　is；〃　said　Grant　calmly；　〃the　great　new　trade　of　the　Organizer　of　Repartee。　This　fat　old　gentleman　lying　on　the　ground　strikes　you；　as　I　have　no　doubt；　as　very　stupid　and　very　rich。　Let　me　clear　his　character。　He　is；　like　ourselves；　very　clever　and　very　poor。　He　is　also　not　really　at　all　fat；　all　that　is　stuffing。　He　is　not　particularly　old；　and　his　name　is　not　Cholmondeliegh。　He　is　a　swindler；　and　a　swindler　of　a　perfectly　delightful　and　novel　kind。　He　hires　himself　out　at　dinner…parties　to　lead　up　to　other　people's　repartees。　According　to　a　preconcerted　scheme　（which　you　may　find　on　that　piece　of　paper）；　he　says　the　stupid　things　he　has　arranged　for　himself；　and　his　client　says　the　clever　things　arranged　for　him。　In　short；　he　allows　himself　to　be　scored　off　for　a　guinea　a　night。〃

〃And　this　fellow　Wimpole〃　began　Drummond　with　indignation。

〃This　fellow　Wimpole；〃　said　Basil　Grant；　smiling；　〃will　not　be　an　intellectual　rival　in　the　future。　He　had　some　fine　things；　elegance　and　silvered　hair；　and　so　on。　But　the　intellect　is　with　our　friend　on　the　floor。〃

〃That　fellow；〃　cried　Drummond　furiously；　〃that　fellow　ought　to　be　in　gaol。〃

〃Not　at　all；〃　said　Basil　indulgently；　〃he　ought　to　be　in　the　Club　of　Queer　Trades。〃



Chapter　3

The　Awful　Reason　of　the　Vicar's　Visit

The　revolt　of　Matter　against　Man　（which　I　believe　to　exist）　has　now　been　reduced　to　a　singular　condition。　It　is　the　small　things　rather　than　the　large　things　which　make　war　against　us　and；　I　may　add；　beat　us。　The　bones　of　the　last　mammoth　have　long　ago　decayed；　a　mighty　wreck；　the　tempests　no　longer　devour　our　navies；　nor　the　mountains　with　hearts　of　fire　heap　hell　over　our　cities。　But　we　are　engaged　in　a　bitter　and　eternal　war　with　small　things；　chiefly　with　microbes　and　with　collar　studs。　The　stud　with　which　I　was　engaged　（on　fierce　and　equal　terms）　as　I　made　the　above　reflections；　was　one　which　I　was　trying　to　introduce　into　my　shirt　collar　when　a　loud　knock　came　at　the　door。

My　first　thought　was　as　to　whether　Basil　Grant　had　called　to　fetch　me。　He　and　I　were　to　turn　up　at　the　same　dinner…party　（for　which　I　was　in　the　act　of　dressing）；　and　it　might　be　that　he　had　taken　it　into　his　head　to　come　my　way；　though　we　had　arranged　to　go　separately。　It　was　a　small　and　confidential　affair　at　the　table　of　a　good　but　unconventional　political　lady；　an　old　friend　of　his。　She　had　asked　us　both　to　meet　a　third　guest；　a　Captain　Fraser；　who　had　made　something　of　a　name　and　was　an　authority　on　chimpanzees。　As　Basil　was　an　old　friend　of　the　hostess　and　I　had　never　seen　her；　I　felt　that　it　was　quite　possible　that　he　（with　his　usual　social　sagacity）　might　have　decided　to　take　me　along　in　order　to　break　the　ice。　The　theory；　like　all　my　theories；　was　complete；　but　as　a　fact　it　was　not　Basil。

I　was　handed　a　visiting　card　inscribed：　〃Rev。　Ellis　Shorter〃；　and　underneath　was　written　in　pencil；　but　in　a　hand　in　which　even　hurry　could　not　conceal　a　depressing　and　gentlemanly　excellence；　〃Asking　the　favour　of　a　few　moments'　conversation　on　a　most　urgent　matter。〃！

I　had　already　subdued　the　stud；　thereby　proclaiming　that　the　image　of　God　has　supremacy　over　all　matters　（a　valuable　truth）；　and　throwing　on　my　dress…coat　and　waistcoat；　hurried　into　the　drawing…room。　He　rose　at　my　entrance；　flapping　like　a　seal；　I　can　use　no　other　description。　He　flapped　a　plaid　shawl　over　his　right　arm；　he　flapped　a　pair　of　pathetic　black　gloves；　he　flapped　his　clothes；　I　may　say；　without　exaggeration；　that　he　flapped　his　eyelids；　as　he　rose。　He　was　a　bald…browed；　white…haired；　white…whiskered　old　clergyman；　of　a　flappy　and　floppy　type。　He　said：

〃I　am　so　sorry。　I　am　so　very　sorry。　I　am　so　extremely　sorry。　I　come　I　can　only　sayI　can　only　say　in　my　defence；　that　I　comeupon　an　important　matter。　Pray　forgive　me。〃

I　told　him　I　forgave　perfectly　and　waited。

〃What　I　have　to　say；〃　he　said　brokenly；　〃is　so　dreadfulit　is　so　dreadfulI　have　lived　a　quiet　life。〃

I　was　burning　to　get　away；　for　it　was　already　doubtful　if　I　should　be　in　time　for　dinner。　But　there　was　something　about　the　old　man's　honest　air　of　bitterness　that　seemed　to　open　to　me　the　possibilities　of　life　larger　and　more　tragic　than　my　own。

I　said　gently：　〃Pray　go　on。〃

Nevertheless　the　old　gentleman；　being　a　gentleman　as　well　as　old；　noticed　my　secret　impatience　and　seemed　still　more　unmanned。

〃I'm　so　sorry；〃　he　said　meekly；　〃I　wouldn't　have　comebut　for　your　friend　Major　Brown　recommended　me　to　come　here。〃

〃Major　Brown！〃　I　said；　with　some　interest。

〃Yes；〃　said　the　Reverend　Mr　Shorter；　feverishly　flapping　his　plaid　shawl　about。　〃He　told　me　you　helped　him　in　a　great　difficultyand　my　difficulty！　Oh；　my　dear　sir；　it's　a　matter　of　life　and　death。〃

I　rose　abruptly；　in　an　acute　perplexity。　〃Will　it　take　long；　Mr　Shorter？〃　I　asked。　〃I　have　to　go　out　to　dinner　almost　at　once。〃

He　rose　also；　trembling　from　head　to　foot；　and　yet　somehow；　with　all　his　moral　palsy；　he　rose　to　the　dignity　of　his　age　and　his　office。

〃I　have　no　right；　Mr　SwinburneI　have　no　right　at　all；〃　he　said。　〃If　you　have　to　go　out　to　dinner；　you　have　of　coursea　perfect　rightof　course　a　perfect　right。　But　when　you　come　backa　man　will　be　dead。〃

And　he　sat　down；　quaking　like　a　jelly。

The　triviality　of　the　dinner　had　been　in　those　two　minutes　dwarfed　and　drowned　in　my　mind。　I　did　not　want　to　go　and　see　a　political　widow；　and　a　captain　who　collected　apes；　I　wanted　to　hear　what　had　brought　this　dear；　doddering　old　vicar　into　relation　with　immediate　perils。

〃Will　you　have　a　cigar？〃　I　said。

〃No；　thank　you；〃　he　said；　with　indescribable　embarrassment；　as　if　not　smoking　cigars　was　a　social　disgrace。

〃A　glass　of　wine？〃　I　said。

〃No；　thank　you；　no；　thank　you；　not　just　now；〃　he　repeated　with　that　hysterical　eagerness　with　which　people　who　do　not　drink　at　all　often　try　to　convey　that　on　any　other　night　of　the　week　they　would　sit　up　all　night　drinking　rum…punch。　〃Not　just　now；　thank　you。〃

〃Nothing　else　I　can　get　for　you？〃　I　said；　feeling　genuinely　sorry　for　the　well…mannered　old　donkey。　〃A　cup　of　tea？〃

I　saw　a　struggle　in　his　eye　and　I　conquered。　When　the　cup　of　tea　came　he　drank　it　like　a　dipsomaniac　gulping　brandy。　Then　he　fell　back　and　said：

〃I　have　had　such　a　time；　Mr　Swinburne。　I　am　not　used　to　these　excitements。　As　Vicar　of　Chuntsey；　in　Essex'he　threw　this　in　with　an　indescribable　airiness　of　vanity'I　have　never　known　such　things　happen。〃

〃What　things　happen？〃　I　asked。

He　straightened　himself　with　sudden　dignity。

〃As　Vicar　of　Chuntsey；　in　Essex；〃　he　said；　〃I　have　never　been　forcibly　dressed　up　as　an　old　woman　and　made　to　take　part　in　a　crime　in　the　character　of　an　old　woman。　Never　once。　My　experience　may　be　small。　It　may　be　insufficient。　But　it　has　never　occurred　to　me　before。〃

〃I　have　never　heard　of　it；〃　I　said；　〃as　among　the　duties　of　a　clergyman。　But　I　am　not　well　up　in　church　matters。　Excuse　me　if　perhaps　I　failed　to　follow　you　correctly。　Dressed　upas　what？〃

〃As　an　old　woman；〃　said　the　vicar　solemnly；　〃as　an　old　woman。〃

I　thought　in　my　heart　that　it　required　no　great　transformation　to　make　an　old　woman　of　him；　but　the　thing　was　evidently　more　tragic　than　comic；　and　I　said　respectfully：

〃May　I　ask　how　it　occurred？〃

〃I　will　begin　at　the　beginning；〃　said　Mr　Shorter；　〃and　I　will　tell　my　story　with　the　utmost　possible　precision。　At　seventeen　minutes　past　eleven　this　morning　I　left　the　vicarage　to　keep　certain　appointments　and　pay　certain　visits　in　the　village。　My　first　visit　was　to　Mr　Jervis；　the　treasurer　of　our　League　of　Christian　Amusements；　with　whom　I　concluded　some　business　touching　the　claim　made　by　Parkes　the　gardener　in　the　matter　of　the　rolling　of　our　tennis　lawn。　I　then　visited　Mrs　Arnett；　a　very　earnest　churchwoman；　but　permanently　bedridden。　She　is　the　author　of　several　small　works　of　devotion；　and　of　a　book　of　verse；　entitled　（unless　my　memory　misleads　me）　Eglantine。〃

He　uttered　all　this　not　only　with　deliberation；　but　with　something　that　can　only　be　called；　by　a　contradictory　phrase；　eager　deliberation。　He　had；　I　think；　a　vague　memory　in　his　head　of　the　detectives　in　the　detective　stories；　who　always　sternly　require　that　nothing　should　be　kept　back。

〃I　then　proceeded；〃　he　went　on；　with　the　same　maddening　conscientiousness　of　manner；　〃to　Mr　Carr　（not　Mr　James　Carr；　of　course；　Mr　Robert　Carr）　who　is　temporarily　assisting　our　organist；　and　having　consulted　with　him　（on　the　subject　of　a　choir　boy　who　is　accused；　I　cannot　as　yet　say　whether　justly　or　not；　of　cutting　holes　in　the　organ　pipes）；　I　finally　dropped　in　upon　a　Dorcas　meeting　at　the　house　of　Miss　Brett。　The　Dorcas　meetings　are　usually　held　at　the　vicarage；　but　my　wife　being　unwell；　Miss　Brett；　a　newcomer　in　our　village；　but　very　active　in　church　work；　had　very　kindly　consented　to　hold　them。　The　Dorcas　society　is　entirely　under　my　wife's　management　as　a　rule；　and　except　for　Miss　Brett；　who；　as　I　say；　is　very　active；　I　scarcely　know　any　members　of　it。　I　had；　however；　promised　to　drop　in　on　them；　and　I　did　so。

〃When　I　arrived　there　were　only　four　other　maiden　ladies　with　Miss　Brett；　but　they　were　sewing　very　busily。　It　is　very　difficult；　of　course；　for　any　person；　however　strongly　impressed　with　the　necessity　in　these　matters　of　full　and　exact　exposition　of　the　facts；　to　remember　and　repeat　the　actual　details　of　a　conversation；　particularly　a　conversation　which　（though　inspired　with　a　most　worthy　and　admirable　zeal　for　good　work）　was　one　which　did　not　greatly　impress　the　hearer's　mind　at　the　time　and　was　in　factermostly　about　socks。　I　can；　however；　remember　distinctly　that　one　of　the　spinster　ladies　（she　was　a　thin　person　with　a　woollen　shawl；　who　appeared　to　feel　the　cold；　and　I　am　almost　sure　she　was　introduced　to　me　as　Miss　James）　remarked　that　the　weather　was　very　changeable。　Miss　Brett　then　offered　me　a　cup　of　tea；　which　I　accepted；　I　cannot　recall　in　what　words。　Miss　Brett　is　a　short　and　stout　lady　with　white　hair。　The　only　other　figure　in　the　group　that　caught　my　attention　was　a　Miss　Mowbray；　a　small　and　neat　lady　of　aristocratic　manners；　silver　hair；　and　a　high　voice　and　colour。　She　was　the　most　emphatic　member　of　the　party；　and　her　views　on　the　subject　of　pinafores；　though　expressed　with　a　natural　deference　to　myself；　were　in　themselves　strong　and　advanced。　Beside　her　（although　all　five　ladies　were　dressed　simply　in　black）　it　could　not　be　denied　that　the　others　looked　in　some　way　what　you　men　of　the　world　would　call　dowdy。

〃After　about　ten　minutes'　conversation　I　rose　to　go；　and　as　I　did　so　I　heard　something　whichI　cannot　describe　itsomething　which　seemed　tobut　I　really　cannot　describe　it。〃

〃What　did　you　hear？〃　I　asked；　with　some　impatience。

〃I　heard；〃　said　the　vicar　solemnly；　〃I　heard　Miss　Mowbray　（the　lady　with　the　silver　hair）　say　to　Miss　James　（the　lady　with　the　woollen　shawl）；　the　following　extraordinary　words。　I　committed　them　to　memory　on　the　spot；　and　as　soon　as　circumstances　set　me　free　to　do　so；　I　noted　them　down　on　a　piece　of　paper。　I　believe　I　have　it　here。〃　He　fumbled　in　his　breast…pocket；　bringing　out　mild　things；　note…books；　circulars　and　programmes　of　village　concerts。　〃I　heard　Miss　Mowbray　say　to　Miss　James；　the　following　words：　‘Now's　your