grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第12章
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s； and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour； condemn； lay guilt upon； and also add continual affliction and shame upon my soul。 THE DREAD OF THEM WAS UPON ME； AND I TREMBLED AT GOD'S SAMUELS。 1 Sam。 xvi。 4。
184。 Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way； saying； THAT CHRIST INDEED DID PITY MY CASE； AND WAS SORRY FOR MY LOSS； BUT FORASMUCH AS I HAD SINNED AND TRANSGRESSED AS I HAD DONE； HE COULD BY NO MEANS HELP ME； NOR SAVE ME FROM WHAT I FEARED： FOR MY SIN WAS NOT OF THE NATURE OF THEIRS； FOR WHOM HE BLED AND DIED； NEITHER WAS IT COUNTED WITH THOSE THAT WERE LAID TO HIS CHARGE； WHEN HE HANGED ON A TREE： THEREFORE； UNLESS HE SHOULD COME DOWN FROM HEAVEN； AND DIE ANEW FOR THIS SIN； THOUGH INDEED HE DID GREATLY PITY ME； YET I COULD HAVE NO BENEFIT OF HIM。 These things may seem ridiculous to others； even as ridiculous as they were in themselves； but to me they were most tormenting cogitations： every one of them augmented my misery； that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me； when yet He could not help me； nor did I think that the reason why He could not help me； was； because His merits were weak； or His grace and salvation spent on others already； but because His faithfulness to His threatening； would not let Him extend His mercy to me。 Besides； I thought； as I have already hinted； that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon； that was wrapped up in a promise； and if not； then I knew assuredly； that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away； than for me to have eternal life。 So that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the holy word of God； and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin。
185。 But oh！ how this would add to my affliction； to conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin； for which He did not die。 These thoughts would so confound me； and imprison me； and tie me up from faith； that I knew not what to do。 But oh！ thought I； that He would come down again！ Oh！ that the work of man's redemption was yet to be done by Christ！ how would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died！ But this scripture would strike me down as dead； CHRIST BEING RAISED FROM THE DEAD； DIETH NO MORE； DEATH HATH NO MORE DOMINION OVER HIM。 Rom。 vi。 9。
186。 Thus； by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter； my soul was like a broken vessel； driven as with the winds； and tossed sometimes headlong into despair； sometimes upon the covenant of works； and sometimes to wish that the new covenant； and the conditions thereof； might so far forth； as I thought myself concerned； be turned another way； and changed； BUT IN ALL THESE； I WAS AS THOSE THAT JOSTLE AGAINST THE ROCKS； MORE BROKEN； SCATTERED AND RENT。 Oh！ the un…thought…of imaginations； frights； fears； and terrors； that are affected by a thorough application of guilt yielding to desperation！ THIS IS THE MAN THAT HATH HIS DWELLING AMONG THE TOMBS WITH THE DEAD； THAT IS ALWAYS CRYING OUT； AND CUTTING HIMSELF WITH STONES。 Mark v。 1； 2； 3。 But； I say； all in vain； desperation will not comfort him； the old covenant will not save him： nay； heaven and earth shall pass away； before one jot or tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed。 This I saw； this I felt； and under this I groaned； yet this advantage I got thereby； namely； a farther confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation； and that the scriptures were the word of God。 Oh！ I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ； the rock of man's salvation： What was done； could not be undone； added to； nor altered。 I saw； indeed； that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ； even the sin which is unpardonable； but woe to him that was so driven； for the word would shut him out。
187。 Thus I was always sinking； whatever I did think or do。 So one day I walked to a neighbouring town； and sate down upon a settle in the street； and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to； and after long musing； I lifted up I sat my head； but methought I saw； as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light； and as if the very stones in the street； and tiles upon the houses； did bend themselves against me。 Methought that they all combined together to banish me out of the world。 I was abhorred of them； and unfit to dwell among them； or be partaker of their benefits； because I had sinned against the Saviour。 O how happy now was every creature over I was！ For they stood fast； and kept their station； but I was gone and lost。
188。 Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul； I said to myself with a grievous sigh； HOW CAN GOD COMFORT SUCH A WRETCH！ I had no sooner said it； but this returned upon me； as an echo doth answer a voice： THIS SIN IS NOT UNTO DEATH。 At which I was； as if I had been raised out of the grave； and cried out again； LORD； HOW COULDST THOU FIND OUT SUCH A WORD AS THIS！ For I was filled with admiration at the fitness； and at the unexpectedness of the sentence； the fitness of the word； the rightness of the timing of it； the power； and sweetness； and light； and glory that came with it also； were marvellous to me to find： I was now； for the time； out of doubt； as to that about which I was so much in doubt before； my fears before WERE； that my sin was not pardonable； and so that I had no right to pray； to repent； etc。； or that； if I did； it would be of no advantage or profit to me。 But now； thought I； if THIS SIN is not unto death； then it is pardonable； therefore from this I have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy； to consider the promise of forgiveness； as that which stands with open arms to receive me as well as others。 This therefore was a great easement to my mind； to wit； that my sin was pardonable； that it was not the sin unto death （1 John v。 16； 17）。 None but those that know what my trouble （by their own experience） was； can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration： it was a release to me from my former bonds； and a shelter from the former storm： I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with other sinners； and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any of they。
189。 Now I say； I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable； but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness。 But oh！ how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again！ But he could by no means do it； neither this day； nor the most part of the next； for this good sentence stood like a mill…post at my back： yet towards the evening of the next day； I felt this word begin to leave me； and to withdraw its supportation from me； and so I returned to my old fears again； but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness； for I feared the sorrow of despair； nor could my faith now long retain this word。
190。 But the next day at evening； being under many fears； I went to seek the Lord； and as I prayed； I cried； and my soul cried to Him in these words； with strong cries： O LORD； I BESEECH THEE； SHOW ME THAT THOU HAST LOVED ME WITH EVERLASTING LOVE。 Jer。 xxxi。 3。 I had no sooner said it； but with sweetness this returned upon me； as an echo； or sounding again； I HAVE LOVED THEE WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE。 Now I went to bed in quiet； also when I awakened the next morning； it was fresh upon my soul； and I believed it。
191。 But yet the tempter left me not； for it could not be so little as an hundred times； that he that day did labour to then break my peace。 Oh！ the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with； as I strove to hold by this word； that of ESAU would fly in my face like lightning： I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour； yet God did bear me up； and keep my heart upon this word； from which I had also； for several days together； very much sweetness； and comfortable hopes of pardon： for thus it was made out unto me； I LOVED THEE WHILST THOU WAST COMMITTING THIS SIN； I LOVED THEE BEFORE； I LOVE THEE STILL； AND I WILL LOVE THEE FOR EVER。
192。 Yet I saw my sin most barbarous； and a filthy crime； and could not but conclude； and that with great shame and astonishment； that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God： wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him； and my bowels to yearn towards Him； for I saw He was still my friend； and did reward me good for evil； yea； the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ； did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him； that to speak as I then thought； had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins； I could freely then have spilt it all； at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour。
193。 And as I was thus in musing； and in my studies； considering how to love the Lord； and to express my love to Him； that saying came in upon me； IF THOU； LORD； SHOULDST MARK INIQUITIES； O LORD； WHO SHOULD STAND？ BUT THERE IS FORGIVENESS WITH THEE； THAT THOU MAYEST BE FEARED。 Psalm cxxx。 3； 4。 These were good words to me； especially the latter part thereof； to wit； that there is forgiveness with the Lord； that He might be feared； that is； as then I understood it； that He might be loved； and had in reverence； for it was thus made out to me； THAT THE GREAT GOD DID SET SO HIGH AN ESTEEM UPON THE LOVE OF HIS POOR CREATURES； THAT RATHER THAN HE WOULD GO WITHOUT THEIR LOVE； HE WOULD PARDON THEIR TRANSGRESSIONS。
194。 And now was that word fulfilled on me； and I was also refreshed by it； THAT THOU MAYEST REMEMBER AND BE CONFOUNDED； AND NEVER OPEN THY MOUTH ANY MORE； BECAUSE OF THY SHAME； WHEN I AM PACIFIED TOWARD THEE FOR ALL THAT THOU HAST DONE； SAITH THE LORD GOD。 Ezek。 xvi。 63。 Thus was my soul at this time （and as I then did think for ever） set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement。
195。 But before many weeks were gone； I began to despond again； fearing； lest； notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed； that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last； for this consideration came strong into my mind； THAT WHATEVER COMFORT AND PEACE I THOUGHT I MIGHT HAVE FROM THE WORD OF THE PROMISE OF LIFE； YET UNLESS THERE COULD BE FOUND IN MY REFRESHMENT； A CONCURRENCE AND AGREEMENT IN THE SCRIPTURES； LET ME THINK WHAT I WILL THEREOF； AND HOLD IT NEVER SO FAST； I SHOULD FIND NO SUCH THING AT THE END； AND THE SCRIPTURE CANNOT BE BROKEN。 John x。 35。
196。 Now began my heart again to ache； and fear I might meet with a disappointment at last。 Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort； and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done； might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God； laid down in those words； by which I had been comforted； and on which I had leaned myself： but now were brought those sayings to my mind。 FOR IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THOSE WHO WERE ONCE ENLIGHTENED； AND HAVE TASTED OF THE HEAVENLY GIFT； AND WERE MADE PARTAKERS OF THE HOLY GHOST； AND HAVE TASTED
