grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第11章

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173。　　Now　I　should　find　my　mind　to　flee　from　God；　as　from　the　face　　of　a　dreadful　judge；　yet　this　was　my　torment；　I　could　not　escape　　His　hand：　　（IT　IS　A　FEARFUL　THING　TO　FALL　INTO　THE　HANDS　OF　THE　　LIVING　GOD。　　Hebrew　x。）　　But；　blessed　be　His　grace；　that　scripture；　　in　these　flying　fits；　would　call；　as　running　after　me；　I　HAVE　　BLOTTED　OUT；　AS　A　THICK　CLOUD；　THY　TRANSGRESSIONS；　AND　AS　A　CLOUD；　　THY　SINS：　　RETURN　UNTO　ME；　FOR　I　HAVE　REDEEMED　THEE。　　Isaiah　xliv。　　22。　　This；　I　say；　would　come　in　upon　my　mind；　when　I　was　fleeing　　from　the　face　of　God；　for　I　did　flee　from　His　face；　that　is；　my　　mind　and　spirit　fled　before　Him；　by　reason　of　His　highness；　I　could　　not　endure：　　then　would　the　text　cry；　RETURN　UNTO　ME；　it　would　cry　　aloud　with　a　very　great　voice；　RETURN　UNTO　ME；　FOR　I　HAVE　REDEEMED　　THEE。　　Indeed；　this　would　make　me　make　a　little　stop；　and；　as　it　　were；　look　over　my　shoulder　behind　me；　to　see　if　I　could　discern　　that　the　God　of　grace　did　follow　me　with　a　pardon　in　His　hand；　but　　I　could　no　sooner　do　that；　but　all　would　be　clouded　and　darkened　　again　by　that　sentence；　FOR　YOU　KNOW；　HOW　THAT　AFTERWARDS；　WHEN　HE　　WOULD　HAVE　INHERITED　THE　BLESSING；　HE　FOUND　NO　PLACE　OF　REPENTANCE；　　THOUGH　HE　SOUGHT　IT　CAREFULLY　　WITH　TEARS。　　Wherefore　I　could　not　　refrain；　but　fled；　though　at　some　times　it　cried；　RETURN；　RETURN；　　as　if　it　did　hollow　after　me：　　but　I　feared　to　close　in　therewith；　　lest　it　should　not　come　from　God；　for　that　other；　as　I　said；　was　　still　sounding　in　my　conscience；　FOR　YOU　KNOW　THAT　AFTERWARDS；　WHEN　　HE　WOULD　HAVE　INHERITED　THE　BLESSING；　HE　WAS　REJECTED；　ETC。

174。　　Once　as　I　was　walking　to　and　fro　in　a　good　man's　shop；　　bemoaning　of　myself　in　my　sad　and　doleful　state；　afflicting　myself　　with　self…abhorrence　for　this　wicked　and　ungodly　thought；　lamenting　　also　this　hard　hap　of　mine　for　that　I　should　commit　so　great　a　sin；　　greatly　fearing　that　I　should　not　be　pardoned；　praying　also　in　my　　heart；　that　if　this　sin　of　mine　did　differ　from　that　against　the　　Holy　Ghost；　the　Lord　would　show　it　me。　　And　being　now　ready　to　sink　　with　fear；　suddenly　there　was；　as　if　there　had　rushed　in　at　the　　window；　the　noise　of　wind　upon　me；　but　very　pleasant；　and　as　if　I　　heard　a　voice　speaking；　DID'ST　THOU　EVER　REFUSE　TO　BE　JUSTIFIED　BY　　THE　BLOOD　OF　CHRIST？　and　withal；　my　whole　life　of　profession　past；　　was　in　a　moment　opened　to　me；　wherein　I　was　made　to　see；　that　　designedly　I　had　not：　　so　my　heart　answered　groaningly；　NO。　　Then　　fell；　with　power；　that　word　of　God　upon　me；　SEE　THAT　YE　REFUSE　NOT　　HIM　THAT　SPEAKETH。　　Hebrew　xii。　25。　　This　made　a　strange　seizure　　upon　my　spirit；　it　brought　light　with　it；　and　commanded　a　silence　　in　my　heart；　of　all　those　tumultuous　thoughts；　that　did　before　use；　　like　masterless　hell…hounds；　to　roar　and　bellow；　and　make　an　　hideous　noise　within　me。　　It　showed　me　also　that　Jesus　Christ　had　　yet　a　word　of　grace　and　mercy　for　me；　that　He　had　not；　as　I　had　　feared；　quite　forsaken　and　cast　off　my　soul；　yea；　this　was　a　kind　　of　chide　for　my　proneness　to　desperation；　a　kind　of　threatening　of　　me；　if　I　did　not；　notwithstanding　my　sins；　and　the　heinousness　of　　them；　venture　my　salvation　upon　the　Son　of　God。　　But　as　to　my　　determining　about　this　strange　dispensation；　what　it　was；　I　know　　not；　or　from　whence　it　came；　I　know　not；　I　have　not　yet　in　twenty　　years'　time　been　able　to　make　a　judgment　of　it；　I　THOUGHT　THEN　WHAT　　HERE　I　SHOULD　BE　LOTH　TO　SPEAK。　　But　verily　that　sudden　rushing　　wind　was；　as　if　an　angel　had　come　upon　me；　but　both　it；　and　the　　salutation；　I　will　leave　until　the　day　of　judgment：　　only　this　I　　say；　it　commanded　a　great　calm　in　my　soul；　it　persuaded　me　there　　might　be　hope：　　it　showed　me；　as　I　thought；　what　the　sin　　unpardonable　was；　and　that　my　soul　had　yet　the　blessed　privilege　to　　flee　to　Jesus　Christ　for　mercy。　　But　I　say；　concerning　this　　dispensation；　I　know　not　yet　what　to　say　unto　it；　which　was　also；　　in　truth；　the　cause；　that　at　first　I　did　not　speak　of　it　in　the　　book；　I　do　now　also　leave　it　to　be　thought　on　by　men　of　sound　　judgment。　　I　lay　not　the　stress　of　my　salvation　thereupon；　but　upon　　the　Lord　Jesus；　in　the　promise；　yet　seeing　I　am　here　unfolding　of　　my　secret　things；　I　thought　it　might　not　be　altogether　inexpedient　　to　let　this　also　show　itself；　though　I　cannot　now　relate　the　matter　　as　there　I　did　experience　it。　　This　lasted　in　the　savour　of　it　for　　about　three　or　four　days；　and　then　I　began　to　mistrust；　and　to　　despair　again。

175。　　Wherefore　still　my　life　hung　in　doubt　before　me；　not　knowing　　which　way　I　should　tip；　only　this　I　found　my　soul　desire；　even　to　　cast　itself　at　the　foot　of　grace；　by　prayer　and　supplication。　　But　　oh！　'twas　hard　for　me　now；　to　have　the　face　to　pray　to　this　Christ　　for　mercy；　against　Whom　I　had　thus　most　vilely　sinned：　　'twas　hard　　work；　I　say；　to　offer　to　look　Him　in　the　face；　against　Whom　I　had　　so　vilely　sinned；　and　indeed；　I　have　found　it　as　difficult　to　come　　to　God　by　prayer；　after　backsliding　from　Him；　as　to　do　any　other　　thing。　　Oh！　the　shame　that　did　now　attend　me！　especially　when　I　　thought；　I　am　now　a…going　to　pray　to　Him　for　mercy；　that　I　had　so　　lightly　esteemed　but　a　while　before！　　I　was　ashamed；　yea；　even　　confounded；　because　this　villany　had　been　committed　by　me：　　but　I　　saw　that　there　was　but　one　way　with　me；　I　must　go　to　Him；　and　　humble　myself　unto　Him；　and　beg　that　He；　of　His　wonderful　mercy；　　would　show　pity　to　me；　and　have　mercy　upon　my　wretched　sinful　soul。

176。　　Which；　when　the　tempter　perceived；　he　strongly　suggested　to　　me；　THAT　I　OUGHT　NOT　TO　PRAY　TO　GOD；　FOR　PRAYER　WAS　NOT　FOR　ANY　IN　　MY　CASE；　NEITHER　COULD　IT　DO　ME　GOOD；　BECAUSE　I　HAD　REJECTED　THE　　MEDIATOR；　BY　WHOM　ALL　PRAYERS　CAME　WITH　ACCEPTANCE　TO　GOD　THE　　FATHER；　AND　WITHOUT　WHOM；　NO　PRAYER　COULD　COME　INTO　HIS　PRESENCE：　　　WHEREFORE　NOW　TO　PRAY；　IS　BUT　TO　ADD　SIN　TO　SIN；　YEA；　NOW　TO　PRAY；　　SEEING　GOD　HAS　CAST　YOU　OFF；　IS　THE　NEXT　WAY　TO　ANGER　AND　OFFEND　　HIM　MORE　THAN　YOU　EVER　DID　BEFORE。

177。　　FOR　GOD　（saith　he）　HATH　BEEN　WEARY　OF　YOU　FOR　THESE　SEVERAL　　YEARS　ALREADY；　BECAUSE　YOU　ARE　NONE　OF　HIS；　YOUR　BAWLINGS　IN　HIS　　EARS；　HATH　BEEN　NO　PLEASANT　VOICE　TO　HIM；　AND　THEREFORE　HE　LET　YOU　　SIN　THIS　SIN；　THAT　YOU　MIGHT　BE　QUITE　CUT　OFF；　AND　WILL　YOU　PRAY　　STILL？　　This　the　devil　urged；　and　set　forth　that　in　NUMBERS；　when　　MOSES　said　to　the　children　OF　ISRAEL；　THAT　BECAUSE　THEY　WOULD　NOT　　GO　UP　TO　POSSESS　THE　LAND；　WHEN　GOD　WOULD　HAVE　THEM；　THEREFORE　FOR　　EVER　AFTER　HE　DID　BAR　THEM　OUT　FROM　THENCE；　THOUGH　THEY　PRAYED　THEY　　MIGHT　WITH　TEARS。　　Numbers　xiv。　36；　37；　etc。

178。　　As　it　is　said　in　another　place；　Exodus　xxi。　14；　THE　MAN　THAT　　SINS　PRESUMPTUOUSLY　SHALL　BE　TAKEN　FROM　GOD'S　ALTAR；　THAT　HE　MAY　　DIE；　even　as　JOAB　was　by　King　SOLOMON；　when　he　thought　to　find　　shelter　there。　　1　Kings　ii。　27；　28；　etc。　　These　places　did　pinch　me　　very　sore；　yet　my　case　being　desperate；　I　thought　with　myself；　I　　can　but　die；　and　if　it　must　be　so；　it　shall　once　be　said；　THAT　SUCH　　AN　ONE　DIED　AT　THE　FOOT　OF　CHRIST　IN　PRAYER。　　This　I　did；　but　with　　great　difficulty；　God　doth　know；　and　that　because；　together　with　　this；　still　that　saying　about　ESAU　would　be　set　at　my　heart；　even　　like　a　flaming　sword；　to　keep　the　way　of　the　tree　of　life；　lest　I　　should　take　thereof　and　live。　　Oh！　who　knows　how　hard　a　thing　I　　found　it；　to　come　to　God　in　prayer！

179。　　I　did　also　desire　the　prayers　of　the　people　of　God　for　me；　　but　I　feared　that　God　would　give　them　no　heart　to　do　it；　yea　I　　trembled　in　my　soul　to　think；　that　some　or　other　of　them　would　　shortly　tell　me；　that　God　hath　said　those　words　to　them；　that　He　　once　did　say　to　the　prophet　concerning　the　children　of　Israel；　PRAY　　NOT　FOR　THIS　PEOPLE；　FOR　I　HAVE　REJECTED　THEM。　　Jeremiah　xi。　14。　　　So；　PRAY　NOT　FOR　HIM；　FOR　I　HAVE　REJECTED　HIM；　yea；　I　thought　that　　He　had　whispered　this　to　some　of　them　already；　only　they　durst　not　　tell　me　so；　neither　durst　I　ask　them　of　it；　for　fear　if　it　should　　be　so；　it　would　make　me　quite　beside　myself：　　MAN　KNOWS　THE　　BEGINNING　OF　SIN　（said　Spira）；　BUT　WHO　BOUNDS　THE　ISSUES　THEREOF？

180。　　About　this　time　I　took　an　opportunity　to　break　my　mind　to　an　　ancient　Christian；　and　told　him　all　my　case：　　I　told　him　also；　that　　I　was　afraid　that　I　had　sinned　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost；　and　　he　told　me；　HE　THOUGHT　SO　TOO。　　Here　therefore　I　had　but　cold　　comfort；　but　talking　a　little　more　with　him；　I　found　him；　though　a　　good　man；　a　stranger　to　much　combat　with　the　devil。　　Wherefore　I　　went　to　God　again；　as　well　as　I　could；　for　mercy　still。

181。　　Now　also　did　the　tempter　begin　to　mock　me　in　my　misery；　　saying；　THAT　SEEING　I　HAD　THUS　PARTED　WITH　THE　LORD　JESUS；　AND　　PROVOKED　HIM　TO　DISPLEASURE；　WHO　WOULD　HAVE　STOOD　BETWEEN　MY　SOUL　　AND　THE　FLAME　OF　DEVOURING　FIRE；　THERE　WAS　NOW　BUT　ONE　WAY；　AND　　THAT　WAS；　to　pray　that　God　the　Father　would　be　a　Mediator　betwixt　　His　Son　and　me；　THAT　WE　MIGHT　BE　RECONCILED　AGAIN；　AND　THAT　I　MIGHT　　HAVE　THAT　BLESSED　BENEFIT　IN　HIM；　THAT　HIS　BLESSED　SAINTS　ENJOYED。

182。　　Then　did　that　scripture　seize　upon　my　soul；　HE　IS　OF　ONE　　MIND；　AND　WHO　CAN　TURN　HIM！　　Oh！　I　saw；　it　was　as　easy　to　persuade　　Him　to　make　a　new　world；　a　new　covenant；　or　a　new　Bible；　besides　　that　we　have　already；　as　to　pray　for　such　a　thing。　　This　was　to　　persuade　Him；　that　what　He　had　done　already　was　mere　folly；　and　　persuade　Him　to　alter；　yea；　to　disannul　the　whole　way　of　salvation。　　　And　then　would　that　saying　rend　my　soul　asunder；　NEITHER　IS　THERE　　SALVATION　IN　ANY　OTHER；　FOR　THERE　IS　NONE　OTHER　NAME　UNDER　HEAVEN　　GIVEN　AMONG　MEN　WHEREBY　WE　MUST　BE　SAVED。　　Acts　iv。　12。

183。　　Now　the　most　free；　and　full　and　gracious　words　of　the　gospel；　　were　the　greatest　torment　to　me；　yea；　nothing　so　afflicted　me；　as　　the　thoughts　of　Jesus　Christ；　the　remembrance　of　a　Saviour；　because　　I　had　cast　Him　off；　brought　forth　the　villany　of　my　sin；　and　my　　loss　by　it；　to　mind；　nothing　did　twinge　my　conscience　like　this：　　　every　time　that　I　thought　of　the　Lord　Jesus；　of　His　grace；　love；　　goodness；　kindness；　gentleness；　meekness；　death；　blood；　promises；　　and　blessed　exhortations；　comforts；　and　consolations；　it　went　to　my　　soul　like　a　sword；　for　still　unto　these　my　considerations　of　the　　Lord　Jesus；　these　thoughts　would　make　place　for　themselves　in　my　　heart：　　AYE；　THIS　IS　THE　JESUS；　THE　LOVING　SAVIOUR；　THE　SON　OF　GOD；　　WHOM　YOU　HAVE　PARTED　WITH；　WHOM　YOU　HAVE　SLIGHTED；　DESPISED；　AND　　ABUSED。　　THIS　IS　THE　ONLY　SAVIOUR；　THE　ONLY　REDEEMER；　THE　ONLY　ONE　　THAT　COULD　SO　LOVE　SINNERS；　AS　TO　WASH　THEM　FROM　THEIR　SINS　IN　HIS　　OWN　MOST　PRECIOUS　BLOOD；　BUT　YOU　HAVE　NO　PART　NOR　LOT　IN　THIS　　JESUS：　　YOU　HAVE　PUT　HIM　FROM　YOU；　YOU　HAVE　SAID　IN　YOUR　HEART；　Let　　Him　go；　if　He　will。　　NOW；　THEREFORE；　YOU　ARE　SEVERED　FROM　HIM；　YOU　　HAVE　SEVERED　YOURSELF　FROM　HIM：　　BEHOLD　THEN　HIS　GOODNESS；　BUT　　YOURSELF　TO　BE　NO　PARTAKER　OF　IT。　　Oh！　thought　I；　what　have　I　lost；　　what　have　I　parted　with！　　What　has　disinherited　my　poor　soul！　　Oh！　　'tis　sad　to　be　destroyed　by　the　grace　and　mercy　of　God；　to　have　the　　Lamb；　the　Saviour；　turn　lion　and　destroyer。　　Rev。　vi。　　I　also　　trembled；　as　I　have　said；　at　the　sight　of　the　saints　of　God；　　especially　at　those　that　greatly　loved　Him；　and　that　made　it　their　　business　to　walk　continually　with　Him　in　this　world；　for　they　did；　　both　in　their　words；　their　carriages；　and　all　their　expressions　of　　tenderness　and　fear　to　sin　against