the lily of the valley-第23章

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graces　to　his　faults〃



〃His　crimes！〃　I　interrupted　quickly。



〃Is　not　that　a　frightful　condition　of　existence？〃　she　continued；　with

a　sad　smile。　〃I　cannot　use　this　transient　power。　At　such　times　I　am

like　the　knights　who　could　not　strike　a　fallen　adversary。　To　see　in

the　dust　a　man　whom　we　ought　to　honor；　to　raise　him　only　to　enable　him

to　deal　other　blows；　to　suffer　from　his　degradation　more　than　he

suffers　himself；　to　feel　ourselves　degraded　if　we　profit　by　such

influence　for　even　a　useful　end；　to　spend　our　strength；　to　waste　the

vigor　of　our　souls　in　struggles　that　have　no　grandeur；　to　have　no

power　except　for　a　moment　when　a　fatal　crisis　comesah；　better　death！

If　I　had　no　children　I　would　let　myself　drift　on　the　wretched　current

of　this　life；　but　if　I　lose　my　courage；　what　will　become　of　them？　I

must　live　for　them；　however　cruel　this　life　may　be。　You　talk　to　me　of

love。　Ah！　my　dear　friend；　think　of　the　hell　into　which　I　should　fling

myself　if　I　gave　that　pitiless　being；　pitiless　like　all　weak

creatures；　the　right　to　despise　me。　The　purity　of　my　conduct　is　my

strength。　Virtue；　dear　friend；　is　holy　water　in　which　we　gain　fresh

strength；　from　which　we　issue　renewed　in　the　love　of　God。〃



〃Listen　to　me；　dear　Henriette；　I　have　only　another　week　to　stay　here；

and　I　wish〃



〃Ah；　you　mean　to　leave　us！〃　she　exclaimed。



〃You　must　know　what　my　father　intends　to　do　with　me；〃　I　replied。　〃It

is　now　three　months〃



〃I　have　not　counted　the　days；〃　she　said；　with　momentary　self…

abandonment。　Then　she　checked　herself　and　cried；　〃Come；　let　us　go　to

Frapesle。〃



She　called　the　count　and　the　children；　sent　for　a　shawl；　and　when　all

were　ready　she；　usually　so　calm　and　slow　in　all　her　movements；　became

as　active　as　a　Parisian；　and　we　started　in　a　body　to　pay　a　visit　at

Frapesle　which　the　countess　did　not　owe。　She　forced　herself　to　talk　to

Madame　de　Chessel；　who　was　fortunately　discursive　in　her　answers。　The

count　and　Monsieur　de　Chessel　conversed　on　business。　I　was　afraid　the

former　might　boast　of　his　carriage　and　horses；　but　he　committed　no

such　solecisms。　His　neighbor　questioned　him　about　his　projected

improvements　at　the　Cassine　and　the　Rhetoriere。　I　looked　at　the　count；

wondering　if　he　would　avoid　a　subject　of　conversation　so　full　of

painful　memories　to　all；　so　cruelly　mortifying　to　him。　On　the

contrary；　he　explained　how　urgent　a　duty　it　was　to　better　the

agricultural　condition　of　the　canton；　to　build　good　houses　and　make

the　premises　salubrious；　in　short；　he　glorified　himself　with　his

wife's　ideas。　I　blushed　as　I　looked　at　her。　Such　want　of　scruple　in　a

man　who；　on　certain　occasions；　could　be　scrupulous　enough；　this

oblivion　of　the　dreadful　scene；　this　adoption　of　ideas　against　which

he　had　fought　so　violently；　this　confident　belief　in　himself；

petrified　me。



When　Monsieur　de　Chessel　said　to　him；　〃Do　you　expect　to　recover　your

outlay？〃



〃More　than　recover　it！〃　he　exclaimed；　with　a　confident　gesture。



Such　contradictions　can　be　explained　only　by　the　word　〃insanity。〃

Henriette；　celestial　creature；　was　radiant。　The　count　was　appearing　to

be　a　man　of　intelligence；　a　good　administrator；　an　excellent

agriculturist；　she　played　with　her　boy's　curly　head；　joyous　for　him；

happy　for　herself。　What　a　comedy　of　pain；　what　mockery　in　this　drama；

I　was　horrified　by　it。　Later　in　life；　when　the　curtain　of　the　world's

stage　was　lifted　before　me；　how　many　other　Mortsaufs　I　saw　without　the

loyalty　and　the　religious　faith　of　this　man。　What　strange；　relentless

power　is　it　that　perpetually　awards　an　angel　to　a　madman；　to　a　man　of

heart；　of　true　poetic　passion；　a　base　woman；　to　the　petty；　grandeur；

to　this　demented　brain；　a　beautiful；　sublime　being；　to　Juana；　Captain

Diard；　whose　history　at　Bordeaux　I　have　told　you；　to　Madame　de

Beauseant；　an　Ajuda；　to　Madame　d'Aiglemont；　her　husband；　to　the

Marquis　d'Espard；　his　wife！　Long　have　I　sought　the　meaning　of　this

enigma。　I　have　ransacked　many　mysteries；　I　have　discovered　the　reason

of　many　natural　laws；　the　purport　of　some　divine　hieroglyphics；　of　the

meaning　of　this　dark　secret　I　know　nothing。　I　study　it　as　I　would　the

form　of　an　Indian　weapon；　the　symbolic　construction　of　which　is　known

only　to　the　Brahmans。　In　this　dread　mystery　the　spirit　of　Evil　is　too

visibly　the　master；　I　dare　not　lay　the　blame　to　God。　Anguish

irremediable；　what　power　finds　amusement　in　weaving　you？　Can　Henriette

and　her　mysterious　philosopher　be　right？　Does　their　mysticism　contain

the　explanation　of　humanity？



The　autumn　leaves　were　falling　during　the　last　few　days　which　I　passed

in　the　valley；　days　of　lowering　clouds；　which　do　sometimes　obscure　the

heaven　of　Touraine；　so　pure；　so　warm　at　that　fine　season。　The　evening

before　my　departure　Madame　de　Mortsauf　took　me　to　the　terrace　before

dinner。



〃My　dear　Felix；〃　she　said；　after　we　had　taken　a　turn　in　silence　under

the　leafless　trees；　〃you　are　about　to　enter　the　world；　and　I　wish　to

go　with　you　in　thought。　Those　who　have　suffered　much　have　lived　and

known　much。　Do　not　think　that　solitary　souls　know　nothing　of　the

world；　on　the　contrary；　they　are　able　to　judge　it。　Hear　me：　If　I　am　to

live　in　and　for　my　friend　I　must　do　what　I　can　for　his　heart　and　for

his　conscience。　When　the　conflict　rages　it　is　hard　to　remember　rules；

therefore　let　me　give　you　a　few　instructions；　the　warnings　of　a　mother

to　her　son。　The　day　you　leave　us　I　shall　give　you　a　letter；　a　long

letter；　in　which　you　will　find　my　woman's　thoughts　on　the　world；　on

society；　on　men；　on　the　right　methods　of　meeting　difficulty　in　this

great　clash　of　human　interests。　Promise　me　not　to　read　this　letter

till　you　reach　Paris。　I　ask　it　from　a　fanciful　sentiment；　one　of　those

secrets　of　womanhood　not　impossible　to　understand；　but　which　we　grieve

to　find　deciphered；　leave　me　this　covert　way　where　as　a　woman　I　wish

to　walk　alone。〃



〃Yes；　I　promise　it；〃　I　said；　kissing　her　hand。



〃Ah；〃　she　added；　〃I　have　one　more　promise　to　ask　of　you；　but　grant　it

first。〃



〃Yes；　yes！〃　I　cried；　thinking　it　was　surely　a　promise　of　fidelity。



〃It　does　not　concern　myself；〃　she　said　smiling；　with　some　bitterness。

〃Felix；　do　not　gamble　in　any　house；　no　matter　whose　it　be；　I　except

none。〃



〃I　will　never　play　at　all；〃　I　replied。



〃Good；〃　she　said。　〃I　have　found　a　better　use　for　your　time　than　to

waste　it　on　cards。　The　end　will　be　that　where　others　must　sooner　or

later　be　losers　you　will　invariably　win。〃



〃How　so？〃



〃The　letter　will　tell　you；〃　she　said；　with　a　playful　smile；　which　took

from　her　advice　the　serious　tone　which　might　certainly　have　been　that

of　a　grandfather。



The　countess　talked　to　me　for　an　hour；　and　proved　the　depth　of　her

affection　by　the　study　she　had　made　of　my　nature　during　the　last　three

months。　She　penetrated　the　recesses　of　my　heart；　entering　it　with　her

own；　the　tones　of　her　voice　were　changeful　and　convincing；　the　words

fell　from　maternal　lips；　showing　by　their　tone　as　well　as　by　their

meaning　how　many　ties　already　bound　us　to　each　other。



〃If　you　knew；〃　she　said　in　conclusion；　〃with　what　anxiety　I　shall

follow　your　course；　what　joy　I　shall　feel　if　you　walk　straight；　what

tears　I　must　shed　if　you　strike　against　the　angles！　Believe　that　my

affection　has　no　equal；　it　is　involuntary　and　yet　deliberate。　Ah；　I

would　that　I　might　see　you　happy；　powerful；　respected；you　who　are　to

me　a　living　dream。〃



She　made　me　weep；　so　tender　and　so　terrible　was　she。　Her　feelings　came

boldly　to　the　surface；　yet　they　were　too　pure　to　give　the　slightest

hope　even　to　a　young　man　thirsting　for　pleasure。　Ignoring　my　tortured

flesh；　she　shed　the　rays；　undeviating；　incorruptible；　of　the　divine

love；　which　satisfies　the　soul　only。　She　rose　to　heights　whither　the

prismatic　pinions　of　a　love　like　mine　were　powerless　to　bear　me。　To

reach　her　a　man　must　needs　have　won　the　white　wings　of　the　seraphim。



〃In　all　that　happens　to　me　I　will　ask　myself；〃　I　said；　〃'What　would　my

Henriette　say？'〃



〃Yes；　I　will　be　the　star　and　the　sanctuary　both；〃　she　said；　alluding

to　the　dreams　of　my　childhood。



〃You　are　my　light　and　my　religion；〃　I　cried；　〃you　shall　be　my　all。〃



〃No；〃　she　answered；　〃I　can　never　be　the　source　of　your　pleasures。〃



She　sighed；　the　smile　of　secret　pain　was　on　her　lips；　the　smile　of　the

slave　who　momentarily　revolts。　From　that　day　forth　she　was　to　me；　not

merely　my　beloved；　but　my　only　love；　she　was　not　IN　my　heart　as　a

woman　who　takes　a　place；　who　makes　it　hers　by　devotion　or　by　excess　of

pleasure　given；　but　she　was　my　heart　itself；it　was　all　hers；　a

something　necessary　to　the　play　of　my　muscles。　She　became　to　me　as

Beatrice　to　the　Florentine；　as　the　spotless　Laura　to　the　Venetian；　the

mother　of　great　thoughts；　the　secret　cause　of　resolutions　which　saved

me；　the　support　of　my　future；　the　light　shining　in　the　darkness　like　a

lily　in　a　wood。　Yes；　she　inspired　those　high　resolves　which　pass

through　flames；　which　save　the　thing　in　peril；　she　gave　me　a　constancy

like　Coligny's　to　vanquish　conquerors；　to　rise　above　defeat；　to　weary

the　strongest　wrestler。



The　next　day；　having　breakfasted　at　Frapesle　and　bade　adieu　to　my　kind

hosts；　I　went　to　Clochegourde。　Monsieur　and　Madame　de　Mortsauf　had

arranged　to　drive　with　me　to　Tours；　whence　I　was　to　start　the　same

night　for　Paris。　During　the　drive　the　countess　was　silent；　she

pretended　at　first　to　have　a　headache；　then　she　blushed　at　the

falsehood；　and　expiated　it　by　saying　that　she　could　not　see　me　go

without　regret。　The　count　invited　me　to　stay　with　them　whenever；　in

the　absence　of　the　Chessels；　I　might　long　to　see　the　valley　of　the

Indre　once　more。　We　parted　heroically；　without　apparent　tears；　but

Jacques；　who　like　other　delicate　children　was　quickly　touched；　began

to　cry；　while　Madeleine；　already　a　woman；　pressed　her　mother's　hand。



〃Dear　little　one！〃　said　the　countess；　kissing　Jacques　passionately。



When　I　was　alone　at　Tours　after　dinner　a　wild；　inexplicable　desire

known　only　to　young　blood　possessed　me。　I　hired　a　horse　and　rode　from

Tours　to　Pont…de…Ruan　in　an　hour　and　a　quarter。　There；　ashamed　of　my

folly；　I　dismounted；　and　went　on　foot　along　the　road；　stepping

cautiously　like　a　spy　till　I　reached　the　terrace。　The　countess　was　not

there；　and　I　imagined　her　ill；　I　had　kept　the　key　of　the　little　gate；

by　which　I　now　entered；　she　was　coming　down　the　steps　of　the　portico

with　the　two　children　to　breathe　in　sadly　and　slowly　the　tender

melancholy　of　the　landscape；　bathed　at　that　moment　in　the　setting　sun。



〃Mother；　here　is　Felix；〃　said　Madeleine。



〃Yes；〃　I　whispered；　〃it　is　I。　I　asked　myself　why　I　should　stay　at

Tours　while　I　still　could　see　you；　why　not　indulge　a　desire　that　in　a

few　days　more　I　could　not　gratify。〃



〃He　won't　leave　us　again；　mother；〃　cried　Jacques；　jumping　round　me。



〃Hush！〃　said　Madeleine；　〃if　you　make　such　a　noise　the　general　will

come