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第40章

burlesques-第40章

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passage; though highly creditable to his feelings; might possibly

be tedious to the reader。'



        。        。        。        。        。        。



As I said; the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to sneer; and

were giggling audibly。  I led the dear girl to a chair; and;

scowling round with a tremendous fierceness; which those who know

me know I can sometimes put on; I shouted out; 〃Hark ye men and

womenI am this lady's truest knighther husband I hope one day

to be。  I am commander; too; in this fortthe enemy is without it;

another word of mockeryanother glance of scornand; by heaven; I

will hurl every man and woman from the battlements; a prey to the

ruffianly Holkar!〃  This quieted them。  I am a man of my word; and

none of them stirred or looked disrespectfully from that moment。



It was now MY turn to make THEM look foolish。  Mrs。 Vandegobbleschroy

(whose unfailing appetite is pretty well known to every person who

has been in India) cried; 〃Well; Captain Gahagan; your ball has been

so pleasant; and the supper was despatched so long ago; that myself

and the ladies would be very glad of a little breakfast。〃  And Mrs。

Van giggled as if she had made a very witty and reasonable speech。

〃Oh! breakfast; breakfast by all means;〃 said the rest; 〃we really

are dying for a warm cup of tea。〃



〃Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you'd like; ladies?〃 says I。



〃Nonsense; you silly man; any tea you like;〃 said fat Mrs。 Van。



〃What do you say; then; to some prime GUNPOWDER?〃  Of course they

said it was the very thing。



〃And do you like hot rowls or cowldmuffins or crumpetsfresh

butter or salt?  And you; gentlemen; what do you say to some

ilegant divvled…kidneys for yourselves; and just a trifle of

grilled turkeys; and a couple of hundthred new…laid eggs for the

ladies?〃



〃Pooh; pooh! be it as you will; my dear fellow;〃 answered they all。



〃But stop;〃 says I。  〃O ladies; O ladies: O gentlemen; gentlemen;

that you should ever have come to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan;

and he been without〃



〃What?〃 said they; in a breath。



〃Alas I alas! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the

whole house。〃



〃Well; well; we can do without it。〃



〃Or a single pound of coffee。〃



〃Never mind; let that pass too。〃  (Mrs。 Van and the rest were

beginning to look alarmed。)



〃And about the kidneysnow I remember; the black divvles outside

the fort have seized upon all the sheep; and how are we to have

kidneys without them?〃  (Here there was a slight ooo!)



〃And with regard to the milk and crame; it may be remarked that the

cows are likewise in pawn; and not a single drop can be had for

money or love: but we can beat up eggs; you know; in the tay; which

will be just as good。〃



〃Oh! just as good。〃



〃Only the divvle's in the luck; there's not a fresh egg to be had

no; nor a fresh chicken;〃 continued I; 〃nor a stale one either; nor

a tayspoonful of souchong; nor a thimbleful of bohay; nor the laste

taste in life of butther; salt or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld!〃



〃In the name of heaven!〃 said Mrs。 Van; growing very pale; 〃what is

there; then?〃



〃Ladies and gentlemen; I'll tell you what there is now;〃 shouted I。

〃There's





     〃Two drumsticks of fowls; and a bone of ham。

      Fourteen bottles of ginger…beer;〃 &c。 &c。 &c。





And I went through the whole list of eatables as before; ending

with the ham…sandwiches and the pot of jelly。



〃Law! Mr。 Gahagan;〃 said Mrs。 Colonel Vandegobbleschroy; 〃give me

the ham…sandwichesI must manage to breakfast off them。〃



And you should have heard the pretty to…do there was at this modest

proposition!  Of course I did not accede to itwhy should I?  I

was the commander of the fort; and intended to keep these three

very sandwiches for the use of myself and my dear Belinda。

〃Ladies;〃 said I; 〃there are in this fort one hundred and twenty…

six souls; and this is all the food which is to last us during the

siege。  Meat there is noneof drink there is a tolerable quantity;

and at one o'clock punctually; a glass of wine and one olive shall

be served out to each woman: the men will receive two glasses; and

an olive and a figand this must be your food during the siege。

Lord Lake cannot be absent more than three days; and if he bewhy;

still there is a chancewhy do I say a chance?a CERTAINTY of

escaping from the hands of these ruffians。〃



〃Oh; name it; name it; dear Captain Gahagan!〃 screeched the whole

covey at a breath。



〃It lies;〃 answered I; 〃in the POWDER MAGAZINE。  I will blow this

fort; and all it contains; to atoms; ere it becomes the prey of

Holkar。〃



The women; at this; raised a squeal that might have been heard in

Holkar's camp; and fainted in different directions; but my dear

Belinda whispered in my ear; 〃Well done; thou noble knight! bravely

said; my heart's Goliah!〃  I felt I was right: I could have blown

her up twenty times for the luxury of that single moment!  〃And

now; ladies;〃 said I; 〃I must leave you。  The two chaplains will

remain with you to administer professional consolationthe other

gentlemen will follow me up stairs to the ramparts; where I shall

find plenty of work for them。〃





CHAPTER VII。



THE ESCAPE。





Loth as they were; these gentlemen had nothing for it but to obey;

and they accordingly followed me to the ramparts; where I proceeded

to review my men。  The fort; in my absence; had been left in

command of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy; a countryman of my own (with

whom; as may be seen in an early chapter of my memoirs; I had an

affair of honor); and the prisoner Bobbachy Bahawder; whom I had

only stunned; never wishing to kill him; had been left in charge of

that officer。  Three of the garrison (one of them a man of the

Ahmednuggar Irregulars; my own body…servant; Ghorumsaug above

named;) were appointed to watch the captive by turns; and never

leave him out of their sight。  The lieutenant was instructed to

look to them and to their prisoner; and as Bobbachy was severely

injured by the blow which I had given him; and was; moreover; bound

hand and foot; and gagged smartly with cords; I considered myself

sure of his person。



Macgillicuddy did not make his appearance when I reviewed my little

force; and the three havildars were likewise absent: this did not

surprise me; as I had told them not to leave their prisoner; but

desirous to speak with the lieutenant; I despatched a messenger to

him; and ordered him to appear immediately。



The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly pale: he whispered

some information into my ear; which instantly caused me to hasten

to the apartments where I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be

confined。



The men had fled;Bobbachy had fled; and in his place; fancy my

astonishment when I foundwith a rope cutting his naturally wide

mouth almost into his earswith a dreadful sabre…cut across his

foreheadwith his legs tied over his head; and his arms tied

between his legsmy unhappy; my attached friendMortimer

Macgillicuddy!



He had been in this position for about three hoursit was the very

position in which I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be placedan

attitude uncomfortable; it is true; but one which renders escape

impossible; unless treason aid the prisoner。



I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position: I poured

half a bottle of whiskey down the immensely enlarged orifice of his

mouth; and when he had been released; he informed me of the

circumstances that had taken place。



Fool that I was! idiot!upon my return to the fort; to have been

anxious about my personal appearance; and to have spent a couple of

hours in removing the artificial blackening from my beard and

complexion; instead of going to examine my prisonerwhen his

escape would have been prevented。  O foppery; foppery!it was that

cursed love of personal appearance which had led me to forget my

duty to my general; my country; my monarch; and my own honor!



Thus it was that the escape took place:My own fellow of the

Irregulars; whom I had summoned to dress me; performed the

operation to my satisfaction; invested me with the elegant uniform

of my corps; and removed the Pitan's disguise; which I had taken

from the back of the prostrate Bobbachy Bahawder。  What did the

rogue do next?Why; he carried back the dress to the Bobbachyhe

put it; once more; on its right owner; he and his infernal black

companions (who had been won over by the Bobbachy with promises of

enormous reward); gagged Macgillicuddy; who was going the rounds;

and then marched with the Indian coolly up to the outer gate; and

gave the word。  The sentinel; thinking it was myself; who had first

come in; and was as likely to go out again;(indeed my rascally

valet said that Gahagan Sahib was about to go out with him and his

two companions to reconnoitre;)opened the gates; and off they

went!



This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I entered!and

for the scoundrel's speech; that the lieutenant had JUST BEEN THE

ROUNDS;he HAD; poor fellow; and had been seized and bound in this

cruel way。  The three men; with their liberated prisoner; had just

been on the point of escape; when my arrival disconcerted them: I

had changed the guard at the gate (whom they had won over

likewise); and yet; although they had overcome poor Mac; and

although they were ready for the start; they had positively no

means for effecting their escape; until I was ass enough to put

means in their way。  Fool! fool! thrice besotted fool that I was;

to think of my own silly person when I should have been occupied

solely with my public duty。



From Macgillicuddy's incoherent accounts; as he was gasping from

the effects of the gag and the whiskey he had taken to revive him;

and from my own subsequent observations; I learned this sad story。

A sudden and painful thought struck memy precious box!I rushed

back; I found that boxI have it still。  Opening it; there; where

I had left ingots; sacks of bright tomauns; kopeks and rupees;

strings of diamonds as big as ducks' eggs; rubies as red as the

lips of my Belinda; countless strings of pearls; amethysts;

emeralds; piles upon piles of bank…notesI founda piece of

paper! with a few lines in the Sanscrit language; which are thus;

word for word; translated:





                    〃EPIGRAM。



        〃(On disappointing a certain Major。)



     〃The conquering Lion return'd with his prey;

      And safe in his cavern he set it;

      The sly little fox stole the booty away;

      And; as he escaped; to the lion did say;

      'AHA! don't you wish you may get it?'〃





Confusion!  Oh; how my blood boiled as I read these cutting lines。

I stamped;I swore;I don't know to what insane lengths my rage

might have carried me; had not at this moment a soldier rushed in;

screaming; 〃The enemy; the enemy!〃



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