the foundations of personality-第38章

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　the　same　time　that　we　seek　superiority　we　seek　to　be　liked；　to　be　esteemed；　to　be　respected。　These　are　not　the　same　things；　but　are　sufficiently　alike　in　principle　to　be　classed　together。　With　some　the　desire　to　be　liked　becomes　a　motive　that　ruins　firmness　of　purpose　and　success；　as　in　the　well…known　〃good　fellow；〃accommodating；　obliging　and　friendly；　who　sacrifices　achievement　to　this　minor　form　of　fellowship。　On　a　larger　plane　there　is　the　writer　or　artist　who　sacrifices　his　best　capacities　in　order　to　please　the　popular　fancy；　seeks　popularity　rather　than　greatness；　for　it　is　seldom　that　the　two　coincide。　Back　of　many　a　man's　〃respectability〃　is　the　fear　of　being　disliked　or　discredited　by　his　group。　TO　BE　RESPECTABLE；　TO　LIVE　SO　THAT　NEITHER　THE　NEIGHBORS　NOR　ONE'S　OWN　RATHER　UNCRITICAL　CONSCIENCE　CAN　CRITICIZE；　IS　PERHAPS　THE　MOST　COMMON　AIM　IN　LIFE。　There　are　some　who　are　all　things　to　all　men；　merely　out　of　the　desire　to　be　agreeable；　who　find　it　easy　to　agree　with　any　opinion；　because　they　have　not　the　courage　to　be　disliked。　Even　the　greatest　men　yield　to　the　desire　to　be　admired　and　liked；　though　the　test　of　greatness　is　unpopularity。　For　there　never　can　be　a　real　and　lasting　democ…racy　in　belief；　opinion　and　ideal。　The　mass　must　always　lag　behind　the　leaders；　since　it　takes　a　generation　or　two　for　the　ideas　of　the　old　leaders　to　permeate　any　society。　Now　and　then　a　great　leader　finds　a　great　following　in　his　own　lifetime；　but　his　leadership　rarely　involves　a　new　principle。　There　will　always　be　a　few　ground　breakers；　behind　them　a　few　straggling　followers；　and　far；　far　behind；　the　great　mass　of　mankind。　This　digression　aside；　to　be　popular；　agreeable　and　entertaining　are　both　aims　and　weapons。　Most　of　us　would　infinitely　rather　be　liked　than　disliked；　and　with　some　it　is　a　passion　and　a　weakness。　But　to　be　popular；　to　be　a　good　fellow；　is　an　extraordinarily　useful　trait　when　combined　with　firm　purposes　and　good　intelligence。　The　art　of　life　is　to　please；　though　its　business　is　achievement　and　success；　and　here　the　art　may　further　the　business。　Manners；　courtesy　and　certain　of　the　abilities；　such　as　musical　talent；　story　telling　and　humor　are　cultivated　largely；　though　not　wholly；　out　of　the　desire　to　please。　Manners　and　courtesy　are　really　standardized　methods　of　behavior；　which　are　to　adjust　us　in　a　pleasing　way　to　our　superiors；　equals　and　inferiors；　and　to　the　various　conventional　situations　of　life。　Naturally　these　will　vary　greatly　in　different　ages　and　different　countries。　A　democracy　acknowledging　in　theory　no　superiors　will　insist　that　every　man　be　called　〃sir〃　and　every　woman　〃madam；〃　whereas　an　aristocracy　laughs　at　that。　In　reality　there　is　no　democracy　anywhere；　and　so　we　address　differently　the　woman　of　the　mansion　and　the　woman　of　the　hovel；　The　mistress　of　the　house　calls　her　maid　by　her　first　name　but　would　wonder　what　the　world　is　coming　to　if　the　maid　became　as　familiar。　In　a　limited　sense；　manners　and　courtesy　are　conventional　ways　of　doing　things；　as　the　way　of　living；　the　tipping　of　the　hat；　the　form　of　greetings；　the　way　of　eating；　but　these　conventions　have　great　value　to　the　majority　of　people　as　evidencing　breeding　and　training　or　the　lack　（superiority　or　inferiority）；　and　also　as　removing　doubt　and　choice；　so　that　things　run　smoothly　and　without　contradiction。　In　a　more　noble　sense；　manners　and　courtesy　prescribe　conduct　in　order　to　proscribe　offense　to　the　self…valuation　of　others。　Convention　says；　〃Address　people　as　if　they　were　your　equals　at　least；　don't　contradict　brusquely　because　that　implies　their　inferiority　or　stupidity；　avoid　too　controversial　topics　since　bitterness　and　humiliation　may　thus　arise；　do　not　notice　defects　or　disabilities　for　the　same　reason；　do　not　brag　or　be　too　conspicuous；　since　to　boast　of　superiority　is　to　imply　the　inferiority　of　others；　and　they　will　dislike　you；〃　etc。　We　tend　to　dislike　and　hate　those　who　make　us　feel　inferior；　except　under　those　special　circumstances　where　sex…love；　awe　and　admiration　enter　to　make　a　certain　inferiority　desirable　or　befitting。　So　a　large　part　of　manners　and　courtesy　concern　themselves　with　the　formulae　of　conduct　which　avoid　this　result　to　others；　and　we　are　also　enjoined　to　conduct　ourselves　so　that　others　will　not　regard　us　as　inferior。　We　speak　of　a　man　as　a　〃low　person〃　if　he　eats　with　his　knife；　and　very　few　things　so　humiliate　us　as　the　knowledge　that　we　have　behaved　in　an　unmannerly　way。　One　of　the　great　purposes；　then；　is　to　be　conventional；　to　behave；　dress　and　〃look〃　according　to　an　accepted　standard；　one　that　is　laid　down　for　age；　sex　and　social　station。　There　are　people　to　whom　convention　is　truly　almost　holy；　and　true　to　our　principle　of　variability；　there　are　others　who　hate　convention。　Because　many　writers　have　shot　shafts　of　satire　and　ridicule　at　convention　and　custom；　and　because　of　the　enormous　reading　public；　the　artificial　nature　of　convention　has　been　emphasized　to　that　large　part　of　the　community　that　desires　to　be　different　merely　for　the　sake　of　being　different；　and　there　is　built　up　a　conventional　unconventionality。　It　has　become　the　mark　of　the　artist；　the　great　in　spirit；　to　be　unconventional　（at　least　in　novels）；　and　so　there　are　a　hundred　〃unconventional〃　poseurs　to　one　genuinely　free　in　spirit。　Anything　that　becomes　a　dogma　or　a　cult　is　not　unconventional；　for　it　is　the　standard　or　the　custom　of　a　group。　Most　Bohemians；　so…called；　are　poseurs　and　conventionalized　to　their　marrow。　And　most　of　the　really　unconventional　are　〃freaks；〃　〃odd　sticks〃　whose　grotesque　individualities　cannot　conform。　But　in　the　mass　of　the　unconventional　one　finds　here　and　there；　like　nuggets　of　gold　in　sand；　the　true　reformers　of　the　world。　The　〃poseurs〃　in　custom　have　their　analogies　in　the　pompous；　over…dignified　and　over…important；　the　affected；　in　a　word。　Affectation　is　felt　to　be　a　disharmony　between　the　pose　and　the　inner　values　or　an　attempt　to　win　superiority　or　〃difference〃　of　a　superior　kind　by　acting。　In　either　case　it　excites　ridicule；　hatred　or　disgust；　and　shafts　at　it　form　part　of　the　stock　in　trade　of　the　satirist；　humorist　and　indeed　every　portrayer　of　life。　What　men　demand　of　each　other　is　sincerity；　and　even　where　the　insincerity　is　merely　a　habitual　pose　it　arouses　hostile　feeling　which　expresses　itself　all　the　way　from　criticism　to　the　overt　act。　Since　to　feel　superior　is　so　highly　prized　in　social　relationships　of　all　kinds；　part　of　the　technique　of　those　seeking　some　advantage　or　othereconomic；　social；　personalfrom　those　who　must　be　influenced　is　to　give　them　the　feeling　of　superiority。　Flattery；　cajolement；　humble　supplication　and　the　finer　maneuvers　of　tact；　all　have　this　in　mind。　These　however　are　palatable　to　the　intelligent　only　when　felt　to　be　sincere　and　when　emanating　from　some　one　more　or　less　esteemed；　though　there　are　plenty　who　〃fall〃　for　the　grossest　flattery　from　almost　any　one；　whose　ego　feeling　is　easily　inflated　with　a　corresponding　shrinking　in　judgment　and　common　sense。　In　the　relations　of　men　and　women；　flattery　in　one　shape　or　another　plays　an　enormous　role　from　the　effect　on　women　of　the　statement　or　implication　in　a　subtle　or　gross　way　that　they　are　charming；　and　the　effect　on　men　of　acknowledged　superiority　in　strength　courage　or　intelligence。　Of　course；　in　both　cases　the　effect　is　partly　in　the　physical　attractiveness　of　the　flatterer　and　tends　to　become　ridiculous　when　he　or　she　is　without　charm。　The　simpering　language　that　is　irresistible　when　uttered　by　a　starry…eyed　maid　of　eighteen　loses　somewhat　in　beauty　and　effect　when　emanating　from　the　lips　of　bespectacled　forty。　The　power　to　use　and　the　power　to　resist　flattery　in　any　of　its　forms　have　played　almost　as　great　a　role　in　the　history　of　the　race　as　strength；　beauty　or　intelligence。　It　would　be　futile　to　elaborate　in　detail　the　various　ways　of　seeking　superiority　or　resisting　inferiority。　Two　directions　of　this　impulse　need　some　attention；　as　they　lead　to　personality　traits　of　great　importance。　〃Having　one's　way〃　becomes　a　dominant　desire　with　many　people；　and　much　of　the　clashing　that　occurs　in　families；　organizations　and　the　council　chambers　of　nations　arises　from　a　childish；　egoistic　seeking　of　superiority。　People　enter　into　the　most　heated　and　sterile　arguments；　often　coming　to　blows；　if　the　course　of　conduct　they　desire　to　have　followed　is　modified　or　blocked。　Even　when　secretly　convinced　that　they　are　wrong；　husbands　and　wives　will　continue　to　insist　on　victory；　for　too　often　the　domestic　relationship　is　a　struggle　for　leadership　and　dominance　rather　than　a　partnership　and　a　conference。　Two　heads　are　better　than　one　when　the　intelligence　within　the　heads　is　of　good　grade　and　when　the　desire　for　superiority　does　not　take　trivial　directions。　And　the　effect　of　yielding　to　the　whims　of　children　is　to　develop　an　irritable；　domineering　egoism　bent　on　having　its　own　way；　resisting　reasonable　compromise　or　correction。　The　greatest　benefit　of　discipline　and　above　all　of　contact　with　equals　to　a　child　is　in　the　effect　on　this　phase　of　egoism；　i。　e。；　that　cooperation　means　compromise；　to　be　reasonable　implies　listening　with　respect　to　others'　plans　and　to　accept　better　ways　of　doing　things；　even　if　they　have　originated　with　others；　in　other　ways　the　subordinating　of　trivial　egoism。　The　large　families　of　other　days　offered　the　conflict　of　wills　and　its　consequent　lesson　within　the　home；　to…day　the　solitary　child；　or　the　one　whose　brother　or　sister　is　three；　four　or　five　years　younger　or　older　must　go　into　the　streets　to　obtain　this　discipline　or　else　go　without。　The　indulged　have　this　form　of　inferior　egoism　more　than　do　those　who　have　been　roughly　handled；　and　so　it　is　more　common　in　women　of　the　better…to…do　classes　and　in　men　who　have　always　exercised　authority。　It　is　of　course　found　in　what　is　known　as　the　stubborn　person；　he　whose　will　is　law　to　himself　and　who　seeks　to　make　it　law　to　others。　Ordinarily　the　stubborn　person　is　merely　a　nuisance；　but　also；　if　he　couples　that　stubbornness　with　intelligence　and　some　especial　ability；　he　may　reach　great　heights；　though　he　is　seldom　popular。　A　sub…form　of　having　one's　own　way　is　the　adherence　to　one's　own　〃opinion。〃　The　clash　of　opinions　is　in　its　noblest　aspect　the　basis　of　knowledge；　the　correction　of　opinion　that　results　when　man　meets　man　is　the　growth　of　tolerance　and　urbanity。　Wide　reading；　travel　and　experience　teach　us　that　our　opinions　can　never　be　absolutely　right；　and　we　grow　to　look　upon　them　in　a　detached　sort　of　way。　In　fact；　the　prime　result　of　the　growth　of　intelligence　and　of　experience　is　to　make　one；　as　it　were；　objective　toward　oneself；　to　view　one's　own　thoughts；　beliefs　and　emotions　with　some　humor　and　skepticism。　But　the　uncultured；　the　narrow；　the　inexperienced；　the　young　and　the　strongly　egotistic　never　detach　themselves　from　their　opinions；　and　their　opinions　are　themselves。　Attack　an　opinion；　contradict　or　amend　it；and　a　sort　of　fighting　spirit　is　aroused。　Argument　differs　from　discussion　in　that　it　seeks　all　means　to　winridicule；　sophistry；　and　personal　attack　and　it　is　by　far　the　more　common。　There　was　a　time　when　opinion　was　entirely　enslaved；　when　only　the　ruler　might　venture　on　a　new　belief　or　its　expression；　then　there　came　a　time　when　the　right　to　freedom　o