poor miss finch-第66章

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to…morrow　to　come！


CHAPTER　THE　FORTY…FOURTH

Lucilla's　Journal；　continued

_September_　4th。

I　MARK　this　day　as　one　of　the　saddest　days　of　my　life。　Oscar　has　shown
Madame　Pratolungo　to　me；　in　her　true　colors。　He　has　reasoned　out　this
miserable　matter　with　a　plainness　which　it　is　impossible　for　me　to
resist。　I　have　thrown　away　my　love　and　my　confidence　on　a　false　woman：
there　is　no　sense　of　honor；　no　feeling　of　gratitude　or　of　delicacy　in　her
nature。　And　I　once　thought　herit　sickens　me　to　recall　it！　I　will　see
her　no　more。

＇Note。Did　it　ever　occur　to　you　to　be　obliged　to　copy　out；　with　your　own
hand；　this　sort　of　opinion　of　your　own　character？　I　can　recommend　the
sensation　produced　as　something　quite　new；　and　the　temptation　to　add　a
line　or　two　on　your　own　account　to　be　as　nearly　as　possible　beyond　mortal
resistance。P。＇

Oscar　and　I　met　at　the　stairs；　at　eleven　o'clock；　as　we　had　arranged。

He　took　me　to　the　west　pier。　At　that　hour　of　the　morning　（excepting　a　few
sailors　who　paid　no　heed　to　us）　the　place　was　a　solitude。　It　was　one　of
the　loveliest　days　of　the　season。　When　we　were　tired　of　pacing　to　and
fro；　we　could　sit　down　under　the　mellow　sunshine；　and　enjoy　the　balmy　sea
air。　In　that　pure　light；　with　all　those　lovely　colors　about　us；　there　was
something；　to　my　mind；　horribly　and　shamefully　out　of　place　in　the　talk
that　engrossed　ustalk　that　still　turned；　hour　after　hour；　on　nothing
but　plots　and　lies；　cruelty；　ingratitude；　and　deceit！

I　managed　to　ask　my　first　question　so　as　to　make　him　enter　on　the　subject
at　oncewithout　wasting　time　in　phrases　to　prepare　me　for　what　was　to
come。

〃When　my　aunt　mentioned　that　letter　at　dinner　yesterday；〃　I　said；　〃I
fancied　that　you　knew　something　about　it。　Was　I　right？〃

〃Very　nearly　right；〃　he　answered。　〃I　can't　say　I　knew　anything　about　it。
I　only　suspected　that　it　was　the　production　of　an　enemy　of　yours　and
mine。〃

〃Not　Madame　Pratolungo？〃

〃Yes！　Madame　Pratolungo。〃

I　disagreed　with　him　at　the　outset。　Madame　Pratolungo　and　my　aunt　had
quarreled　about　politics。　Any　correspondence　between　thema　confidential
correspondence　especiallyseemed　to　be　one　of　the　most　unlikely　things
that　could　take　place。　I　asked　Oscar　if　he　could　guess　what　the　letter
contained；　and　why　it　was　not　to　be　given　to　me　until　Grosse　reported
that　I　was　quite　cured。

〃I　can't　guess　at　the　contentsI　can　only　guess　at　the　object　of　the
letter；〃　he　said。

〃What　is　it？〃

〃The　object　which　she　has　had　in　view　from　the　firstto　place　every
possible　obstacle　in　the　way　of　my　marrying　you。〃

〃What　interest　can　she　have　in　doing　that？〃

〃My　brother's　interest。〃

〃Forgive　me；　Oscar。　I　cannot　believe　it　of　her。〃

We　were　walking；　while　these　words　were　passing　between　us。　When　I　said
that；　he　stopped；　and　looked　at　me　very　earnestly。

〃You　believed　it　of　her；　when　you　answered　my　letter；〃　he　said。

I　admitted　that。

〃I　believed　your　letter；〃　I　replied；　〃and　I　shared　your　opinion　of　her　as
long　as　she　was　in　the　same　house　with　me。　Her　presence　fed　my　anger　and
my　horror　of　her　in　some　way　that　I　can't　account　for。　Now　she　has　left
menow　I　have　had　time　to　thinkthere　is　something　in　her　absence　that
pleads　for　her；　and　tortures　me　with　doubts　if　I　have　done　right。　I　can't
explain　itI　don't　understand　it。　I　only　know　that　so　it　is。〃

He　still　looked　at　me　more　and　more　attentively。　〃Your　good　opinion　of
her　must　have　been　very　firmly　rooted　to　assert　itself　in　this　obstinate
manner；〃　he　said。　〃What　can　she　have　done　to　deserve　it？〃

If　I　had　looked　back　through　all　my　old　recollections　of　her；　and　had
recalled　them　one　by　one；　it　would　only　have　ended　in　making　me　cry。　And
yet；　I　felt　that　I　ought　to　stand　up　for　her　as　long　as　I　could。　I
managed　to　meet　the　difficulty　in　this　way。

〃I　will　tell　you　what　she　did；〃　I　said；　〃after　I　received　your　letter。
Fortunately　for　me；　she　was　not　very　well　that　morning；　and　she
breakfasted　in　bed。　I　had　plenty　of　time　to　compose　myself；　and　to
caution　Zillah　（who　read　your　letter　to　me）；　before　we　met　for　the　first
time　that　day。　On　the　previous　day；　I　had　felt　hurt　and　offended　with　her
for　the　manner　in　which　she　accounted　for　your　absence　from　Browndown。　I
thought　she　was　not　treating　me　with　the　same　confidence　which　I　should
have　placed　in　her；　if　our　positions　had　been　reversed。　When　I　next　saw
her；　having　your　warning　in　my　mind；　I　made　my　excuses；　and　said　what　I
thought　she　would　expect　me　to　say；　under　the　circumstances。　In　my
excitement　and　my　wretchedness；　I　daresay　I　over…acted　my　part。　At　any
rate；　I　roused　the　suspicion　in　her　that　something　was　wrong。　She　not
only　asked　me　if　anything　had　happened；　she　went　the　length　of　saying；　in
so　many　words；　that　she　thought　she　saw　a　change　in　me。　I　stopped　it
there；　by　declaring　that　I　did　not　understand　her。　She　must　have　seen
that　I　was　not　telling　the　truth：　she　must　have　known　as　well　as　I　knew
that　I　was　concealing　something　from　her。　For　all　that；　not　one　word　more
escaped　her　lips。　A　proud　delicacyI　saw　it　as　plainly　in　her　face；　as　I
now　see　youa　proud　delicacy　silenced　her；　she　looked　wounded　and　hurt。
I　have　been　thinking　of　that　look；　since　I　have　been　here。　I　have　asked
myself　（what　did　not　occur　to　me　at　the　time）　if　a　false　woman；　who　knew
herself　to　be　guilty；　would　have　behaved　in　that　way？　Surely　a　false
woman　would　have　set　her　wits　against　mine；　and　have　tried　to　lead　me
into　betraying　to　her　what　discoveries　I　had　really　made？　Oscar！　that
delicate　silence；　that　wounded　look；　_will_　plead　for　her　when　I　think　of
her　in　her　absence！　I　can　_not_　feel　as　satisfied　as　I　once　did；　that　she
is　the　abominable　creature　you　declare　her　to　be。　I　know　you　are
incapable　of　deceiving　meI　know　you　believe　what　you　say。　But　is　it　not
possible　that　appearances　have　misled　you？　Can　you　really　be　sure　that
you　have　not　made　some　dreadful　mistake？〃

Without　answering　me；　he　suddenly　stopped　at　a　seat　under　the　stone
parapet　of　the　pier；　and　signed　to　me　to　sit　down　by　him。　I　obeyed。
Instead　of　looking　at　me；　he　kept　his　head　turned　away；　looking　out　over
the　sea。　I　could　not　make　him　out。　He　perplexedhe　almost　alarmed　me。

〃Have　I　offended　you？〃　I　asked。

He　turned　towards　me　again；　as　abruptly　as　he　had　turned　away。　His　eyes
wandered；　his　face　was　pale。

〃You　are　a　good　generous　creature；〃　he　said；　in　a　confused　hasty　way。
〃Let　us　talk　of　something　else。〃

〃No！〃　I　answered。　〃I　am　too　deeply　interested　in　knowing　the　truth　to
talk　of　anything　else。〃

His　color　changed　again　at　that。　His　face　flushed；　he　gave　a　heavy　sigh
as　one　does　sometimes；　when　one　is　making　a　great　effort。

〃You　_will_　have　it？〃　he　said。

〃I　_will_　have　it？〃

He　rose　again。　The　nearer　he　was　to　telling　me　all　that　he　had　kept
concealed　from　me　thus　far；　the　harder　it　seemed　to　be　to　him　to　say　the
first　words。

〃Do　you　mind　walking　on　again？〃　he　asked。

I　silently　rose　on　my　side；　and　put　my　arm　in　his。　We　walked　on　slowly
towards　the　end　of　the　pier。　Arrived　there；　he　stood　still；　and　spoke
those　hard　first　wordslooking　out　over　the　broad　blue　waters：　not
looking　at　me。

〃I　won't　ask　you　to　take　anything　for　granted；　on　my　assertion　only；〃　he
began。　〃The　woman's　own　words；　the　woman's　own　actions；　shall　prove　her
guilty。〃

I　interrupted　him　by　a　question。

〃Tell　me　one　thing；〃　I　said。　〃What　first　made　you　suspect　her？〃

〃You　first　made　me　suspect　her；　by　what　you　said　of　her　at　Browndown；〃　he
answered。　〃Now　carry　your　memory　back　to　the　time　I　have　already
mentioned　in　my　letterwhen　she　betrayed　herself　to　you　in　the　rectory
garden。　Is　it　true　that　she　said　you　would　have　fallen　in　love　with
Nugent；　if　you　had　met　him　first　instead　of　me？〃

〃It　is　true　that　she　said　it；〃　I　answered。　〃At　a　moment；〃　I　added；　〃when
her　temper　had　got　the　better　of　herand　when　mine　had　got　the　better　of
me。〃

〃Advance　the　hour　a　little；〃　he　went　on；　〃to　the　time　when　she　followed
you　to　Browndown。　Was　she　still　out　of　temper；　when　she　made　her　excuses
to　you？〃

〃No。〃

〃Did　she　interfere；　when　Nugent　took　advantage　of　your　blindness　to　make
you　believe　you　were　talking　to　me？〃

〃No。〃

〃Was　she　out　of　temper　then？〃

I　still　defended　her。　〃She　might　well　have　been　angry；〃　I　said。　〃She　had
made　her　excuses　to　me　in　the　kindest　manner；　and　I　had　received　them
with　the　most　unpardonable　rudeness。〃

My　defence　produced　no　effect　on　him。　He　summed　it　up　coolly　so　far。　〃She
compared　me　disadvantageously　with　Nugent；　and　she　allowed　Nugent　to
personate　me　in　speaking　to　you；　without　interfering　to　stop　it。　In　both
these　cases；　her　temper　excuses　and　accounts　for　her　conduct。　Very　good。
We　may；　or　may　not；　differ　so　far。　Before　we　go　farther；　let　usif　we
canagree　on　one　unanswerable　fact。　Which　of　us　two　brothers　was　her
favorite；　from　the　first？〃

About　_that；_　there　could　be　no　doubt。　I　admitted　at　once　that　Nugent　was
her　favorite。　And　more　than　this；　I　remembered　accusing　her　myself　of
never　having　done　justice　to　Oscar　from　the　first。

＇Note。See　the　sixteenth　chapter；　and　Madame　Pratolungo's　remark；
warning　you　that　you　would　hear　of　this　circumstance　again。P。＇

Oscar　went　on。

〃Bear　that　in　mind；〃　he　said。　〃And　now　let　us　get　to　the　time　when　we
were　assembled　in　your　sitting…room；　to　discuss　the　subject　of　the
operation　on　your　eyes。　The　question　before　us；　as　I　remember　it；　was
this。　Were　you　to　marry　me；　before　the　operation？　Or　were　you　to　keep　me
waiting　until　the　operation　had　been　performed；　and　the　cure　was
complete？　How　did　Madame　Pratolungo　decide　on　that　occasion？　She　decided
against　my　interests；　she　encouraged　you　to　delay　our　marriage。〃

I　persisted　in　defending　her。　〃She　did　that　out　of　sympathy　with　me；〃　I
said。

He　surprised　me　by　again　accepting　my　view　of　the　matter；　without
attempting　to　dispute　it。

〃We　will　say　she　did　it　out　of　sympathy　with　you；〃　he　proceeded。
〃Whatever　her　motives　might　be；　the　result　was　the　same。　My　marriage　to
you　was　indefinitely　put　off；　and　Madame　Pratolungo　voted　for　that
delay。〃

〃And　your　brother；〃　I　added；　〃took　the　other　side；　and　tried　to　persuade
me　to　marry　you　first。　How　can　you　reconcile　that　with　what　you　have　told
me〃

He　interposed　before　I　could　say　more。　〃Don't　bring　my　brother　into　the
inquiry；〃　he　said。　〃My　brother；　at　that　time；　could　still　behave　like　an
honorable　man；　and　sacrifice　his　own　feelings　to　his　duty　to　me。　Let　us
strictly　confine　ourselves；　for　the　present；　to　what　Madame　Pratolungo
said　and　did。　And　let　us　advance　again　to　a　few　minutes　later　on　the　same
day；　when　our　little　domestic　debate　had　ended。　My　brother　was　the　first
to　go。　Then；　you　retired；　and　left　Madame　Pratolungo　and　me　alone　in　the
room。　Do　you　remember？〃

I　remembered　perfectly。

〃You　had　bitterly　disappointed　me；〃　I　said。　〃You　had　shown　no　sympathy
with　my　eagerness　to　be　restored　to　the　blessing　of　sight。　You　made
objections　and　started　difficulties。　I　recollect　speaking　to　you　with
some　of　the　bitterness　that　I　feltblaming　you　for　not　believing　in　my
future　as　I　believed　in　it；　and　hoping　as　I　hopedand　then　leaving　you；
and　locking　myself　up　in　my　own　room。〃

In　those　terms；　I　satisfied　him　that　my　memory　of　the