poor miss finch-第62章

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lovedthinking　of　her　as　I　think　now。　It　is　so　unendurable　to　feel　that
your　confidence　is　lost　in　a　person　whom　you　once　trusted　without　limit；
and　to　go　on　meeting　that　person　every　hour　in　the　day　with　a　smooth
face；　as　if　nothing　had　happened！　The　impulse　to　escape　more　meetings
（when　I　discovered　that　she　had　left　the　house　for　a　walk）　was
irresistible。　I　should　do　it　again；　if　I　was　in　the　same　position　again。
I　have　hinted　at　this　in　writing　to　my　father；　telling　him　that　something
unpleasant　had　happened　between　Madame　Pratolungo　and　me；　and　that　I　went
away　so　suddenly；　on　that　account　alone。　No　use！　He　has　not　answered　my
letter。　I　have　written　since　to　my　step…mother。　Mrs。　Finch's　reply　has
informed　me　of　the　unjust　manner　in　which　he　speaks　of　my　aunt。　Without
the　slightest　reason　for　it；　he　is　even　more　deeply　offended　with　Miss
Batchford　than　he　is　with　me！

Sad　as　this　estrangement　is；　there　is　one　consolationso　far　as　I　am
concerned；　it　will　not　last。　My　father　and　I　are　sure；　sooner　or　later；
to　come　to　an　understanding　together。　When　I　return　to　the　rectory；　I
shall　make　my　peace　with　him；　and　we　shall　get　on　again　as　smoothly　as
ever。

But　how　will　it　end　between　Madame　Pratolungo　and　me？

She　has　not　answered　the　letter　I　wrote　to　her。　（I　begin　to　wish　I　had
never　written　it；　or　at　least　some　of　itthe　latter　part　I　mean。）　I　have
heard　absolutely　nothing　of　her　since　she　has　been　abroad。　I　don't　know
when　she　will　returnor　if　she　will　ever　return；　to　live　at　Dimchurch
again。　Oh；　what　would　I　not　give　to　have　this　dreadful　mystery　cleared
up！　to　know　whether　I　ought　to　fall　down　on　my　knees　before　her　and　beg
her　pardon？　or　whether　I　ought　to　count　among　the　saddest　days　of　my　life
the　day　which　brought　that　woman　to　live　with　me　as　companion　and　friend？

Have　I　acted　rashly？　or　have　I　acted　wisely？

There　is　the　question　which　always　comes　to　me　and　torments　me；　when　I
wake　in　the　night。　Let　me　look　again　（for　the　fiftieth　time　at　least）　at
Oscar's　letter。

＇Note。I　copy　the　letter。　Other　eyes　than　hers　ought　to　see　it　in　this
place。　It　is　Nugent；　of　course；　who　here　writes　in　Oscar's　character　and
in　Oscar's　name。　You　will　observe　that　his　good　resolutions；　when　he　left
me；　held　out　as　far　as　Parisand　then　gave　way　as　follows。P。＇

〃MY　OWN　DEAREST；I　have　reached　Paris；　and　have　found　my　first
opportunity　of　writing　to　you　since　I　left　Browndown。　Madame　Pratolungo
has　no　doubt　told　you　that　a　sudden　necessity　has　called　me　to　my
brother。　I　have　not　yet　reached　the　place　at　which　I　am　to　meet　him。
Before　I　meet　him；　let　me　tell　you　what　the　necessity　which　has　parted　us
really　is。　Madame　Pratolungo　no　longer　possesses　my　confidence。　When　you
have　read　on　a　little　farther；　she　will　no　longer　possess　yours。

〃Alas；　my　love；　I　must　amaze　you；　shock　you；　grieve　youI　who　would　lay
down　my　life　for　your　happiness！　Let　me　write　it　in　the　fewest　words。　I
have　made　a　terrible　discovery。　Lucilla！　you　have　trusted　Madame
Pratolungo　as　your　friend。　Trust　her　no　longer。　She　is　your　enemy；　and
mine。

〃I　suspected　her　some　time　since。　My　worst　suspicions　have　been
confirmed。

〃Long　ere　this；　I　ought　to　have　told　you；　what　I　tell　you　now。　But　I
shrink　from　distressing　you。　To　see　a　sad　look　on　your　dear　face　breaks
my　heart。　It　is　only　when　I　am　away　from　youwhen　I　fear　the
consequences　if　you　are　not　warned　of　your　dangerthat　I　can　summon　the
courage　to　tear　off　the　mask　from　that　woman's　false　face；　and　show　her
to　you　as　she　really　is。　It　is　impossible　for　me　to　enter　into　details　in
the　space　of　a　letter；　I　reserve　all　particulars　until　we　meet　again；　and
until　I　can　produce；　what　you　have　a　right　to　ask　forproof　that　I　am
speaking　the　truth。

〃In　the　meanwhile；　I　beg　you　to　look　back　into　your　own　thoughts；　to
recall　your　own　words；　on　the　day　when　Madame　Pratolungo　offended　you　in
the　rectory　garden。　On　that　occasion；　the　truth　escaped　the　Frenchwoman's
lipsand　she　knew　it！

〃Do　you　remember　what　you　said；　after　she　had　followed　you　to　Browndown？
I　mean；　after　she　had　declared　that　you　would　have　fallen　in　love　with　my
brother　if　you　had　met　him　firstand　after　Nugent　（at　her　instigation　no
doubt）　had　taken　advantage　of　your　blindness　to　make　you　believe　that　you
were　speaking　to　_me。_　When　you　were　smarting　under　the　insult；　and　when
you　had　found　out　the　trick；　what　did　you　say？

〃You　said　theseor　nearly　thesewords：

〃　'She　hated　you　from　the　first；　Oscarshe　took　up　with　your　brother
directly　he　came　here。　Don't　marry　me　at　Dimchurch！　Find　out　some　place
that　they　don't　know　of！　They　are　both　in　a　conspiracy　together　against
you　and　against　me。　Take　care　of　them！　take　care　of　them！'

〃Lucilla！　I　echo　your　own　words　to　you。　I　return　the　warningthe
prophetic　warningwhich　you　unconsciously　gave　me　in　that　past　time。　I
am　afraid　my　unhappy　brother　loves　youand　I　know　for　certain　that
Madame　Pratolungo　feels　the　interest　in　_him_　which　she　has　never　felt　in
_me。_　What　you　said；　I　say。　They　are　in　a　conspiracy　together　against　us。
Take　care　of　them！　take　care　of　them！

〃When　we　meet　again；　I　shall　be　prepared　to　defeat　the　conspiracy。　Till
that　time　comesas　you　value　your　happiness　and　mine；　don't　let　Madame
Pratolungo　suspect　that　you　have　discovered　her。　It　is　she；　I　firmly
believe；　who　is　to　blame。　I　am　going　to　my　brotheras　you　will　now
understandwith　an　object　far　different　to　the　object　which　I　put
forward　as　an　excuse　to　your　false　friend。　Fear　no　dispute　between　Nugent
and　me。　I　know　him。　I　firmly　believe　I　shall　find　that　he　has　been
tempted　and　misled。　I　answernow　that　no　evil　influences　are　at　work　on
himfor　his　acting　like　an　honorable　man；　and　deserving　your　pardon　and
mine。　The　excuse　I　have　made　to　Madame　Pratolungo　will　prevent　her　from
interfering　between　us。　That　was　my　one　object　in　making　it。

〃Keep　me　correctly　informed　of　your　movements　and　of　hers。　I　enclose　an
address　to　which　you　can　write；　with　the　certainty　that　your　letters　will
be　forwarded。

〃On　my　side；　I　promise　to　write　constantly。　Once　more；　don't　trust　a
living　creature　about　you　with　the　secret　which　this　letter　reveals！
Expect　me　back　at　the　earliest　possible　moment；　to　free　youwith　a
husband's　authorityfrom　the　woman　who　has　so　cruelly　deceived
us。Yours　with　the　truest　affection；　the　fondest　love；

〃OSCAR。〃

＇Note。It　is　quite　needless　for　me　to　dwell　here　on　the　devilish
cunningI　can　use　no　other　phrasewhich　inspired　this　abominable
letter。　Look　back　to　the　twenty…seventh　and　twenty…eighth　chapters；　and
you　will　see　how　skillfully　what　I　said　in　a　moment　of　foolish
irritation；　and　what　Lucilla　said　when　she　too　had　lost　her　temper；　is
turned　to　account　to　poison　her　mind　against　me。　We　are　made　innocently
to　supply　our　enemy　with　the　foundation　on　which　he　builds　his　plot。　For
the　rest；　the　letter　explains　itself。　Nugent　still　persists　in
personating　his　brother。　He　guesses　easily　at　the　excuse　I　should　make　to
Lucilla　for　his　absence；　and　he　gets　over　the　difficulty　of　appearing　to
have　confided　his　errand　to　a　woman　whom　he　distrusts；　by　declaring　that
he　felt　it　necessary　to　deceive　me　as　to　what　the　nature　of　that　errand
really　was。　As　the　Journal　proceeds；　you　will　see　how　dexterously　he
works　the　machinery　which　his　letter　has　set　in　motion。　All　I　need　add
here；　in　the　way　of　explanation；　isthat　the　delay　in　his　arrival　at
Ramsgate　of　which　Lucilla　complains；　was　caused　by　nothing　but　his　own
hesitation。　His　sense　of　honoras　I　knew；　from　discoveries　made　at　a
later　timewas　not　entirely　lost　yet。　The　lower　he　sank；　the　harder　his
better　nature　struggled　to　raise　him。　Nothing；　positively　nothing；　but
his　own　remorse　need　have　kept　him　at　Paris　（it　is　needless　to　say　that
he　never　stirred　farther；　and　never　discovered　the　place　of　his　brother's
retreat）　after　Lucilla　had　informed　him　by　letter；　that　I　had　gone
abroad；　and　that　she　was　at　Ramsgate　with　her　aunt。　I　have　done：　let
Lucilla　go　on　again。P。＇

I　have　read　Oscar's　letter　once　more。

He　is　the　soul　of　honor；　he　is　incapable　of　deceiving　me。　I　remember
saying　what　he　tells　me　I　said；　and　thinking　it　toofor　the　moment
onlywhen　I　was　beside　myself　with　rage。　Stillmay　it　not　be　possible
that　appearances　have　misled　Oscar？　Oh；　Madame　Pratolungo！　I　had　such　a
high　opinion　of　you；　I　loved　you　so　dearlycan　you　have　been　unworthy　of
the　admiration　and　affection　that　you　once　inspired　in　me？

I　quite　agree　with　Oscar　that　his　brother　is　not　to　blame。　It　is　sad　and
shocking　that　Mr。　Nugent　Dubourg　should　have　allowed　himself　to　fall　in
love　with　me。　But　I　cannot　help　pitying　him。　Poor　disfigured　man；　I　hope
he　will　get　a　good　wife！　How　he　must　have　suffered！

It　is　impossible　to　endure；　any　longer；　my　present　state　of　suspense。
Oscar　must；　and　shall；　satisfy　me　about　Madame　Pratolungowith　his　own
lips。　I　shall　write　to　him　by　this　post；　and　insist　on　his　coming　to
Ramsgate。

_August_　29th。I　wrote　to　him　yesterday；　to　the　address　in　Paris。　My
letter　will　be　delivered　to…morrow。　Where　is　he？　when　will　he　get　it？

＇Note。That　innocent　letter　did　its　fatal　mischief。　It　ended　the
struggle　against　himself　which　had　kept　Nugent　Dubourg　in　Paris。　On　the
morning　when　he　received　it；　he　started　for　England。　Here　is　the　entry　in
Lucilla's　journal。P。＇

_August_　31st。A　telegram　for　me　at　breakfast…time。　I　am　too　happy　to
keep　my　hand　steadyI　am　writing　horribly。　It　doesn't　matter：　nothing
matters　but　my　telegram。　（Oh；　what　a　noble　creature　the　man　was　who
invented　telegrams！）　Oscar　is　on　his　way　to　Ramsgate！


CHAPTER　THE　FORTY…THIRD

Lucilla's　Journal；　continued

_September_　1st。

I　AM　composed　enough　to　return　to　my　Journal；　and　to　let　my　mind　dwell　a
little　on　all　that　I　have　thought　and　felt　since　Oscar　has　been　here。

Now　that　I　have　lost　Madame　Pratolungo；　I　have　no　friend　with　whom　I　can
talk　over　my　little　secrets。　My　aunt　is　all　that　is　kind　and　good　to　me；
but　with　a　person　so　much　older　than　I　amwho　has　lived　in　such　a
different　world　from　my　world；　and　whose　ideas　seem　to　be　so　far　away
from　minehow　can　I　talk　about　my　follies　and　extravagances；　and　expect
sympathy　in　return！　My　one　confidential　friend　is　my　JournalI　can　only
talk　about　myself　to　myself；　in　these　pages。　My　position　feels　sometimes
like　a　very　lonely　one。　I　saw　two　girls　telling　all　their　secrets　to　each
other　on　the　sands　to…dayand　I　am　afraid　I　envied　them。

Well；　my　dear　Journal；　how　did　I　feelafter　longing　for　Oscarwhen
Oscar　came　to　me？　It　is　dreadful　to　own　it；　but　my　book　locks　up；　and　my
book　can　be　trusted　with　the　truth。　I　felt　ready　to　cryI　was　so
unexpectedly；　so　horribly；　disappointed。

No。　〃Disappointed〃　is　not　the　word。　I　can't　find　the　word。　There　was　a
momentI　hardly　dare　write　it：　it　seems　so　atrociously　wickedthere　was
a　moment　when　I　actually　wished　myself　blind　again。

He　took　me　in　his　arms；　he　held　my　hand　in　his。　In　the　time　when　I　was
blind；　how　I　should　have　felt　it！　how　the　delicious　_tingle_　would　have
run　through　me　when　he　touched　me！　Nothing　of　the　kind　happened　now。　He
might　have　been　Oscar's　brother　for　all　the　effect　he　produced　on　me。　I
have　myself　taken　his　hand　since；　and　shut　my　eyes　to　try　and　renew　my