poor miss finch-第43章

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examined　this　amazing　object　at　close　quarters。　And　what　did　it　turn　out
to　be？　A　stump　of　an　old　tree　blown　across　the　road　in　the　night！　Why　am
I　to　envy　people　the　possession　of　a　sense　which　plays　them　such　tricks
as　that？　No！　no！　Herr　Grosse　is　going　to　'cut　into　my　cataracts；'　as　he
calls　itbecause　I　am　going　to　be　married　to　a　man　I　love；　and　I　fancy；
like　a　fool；　I　may　love　him　better　still；　if　I　can　see　him。　I　may　be
quite　wrong；〃　she　added　archly。　〃It　may　end　in　my　not　loving　him　half　as
well　as　I　do　now！〃

I　thought　of　Oscar's　face；　and　felt　a　sickening　fear　that　she　might　be
speaking　far　more　seriously　than　she　suspected。　I　tried　to　change　the
subject。　No！　Her　imaginative　nature　had　found　its　way　into　a　new　region
of　speculation　before　I　could　open　my　lips。

〃I　associate　light；〃　she　said　thoughtfully；　〃with　all　that　is　beautiful
and　heavenlyand　dark　with　all　that　is　vile　and　horrible　and　devilish。　I
wonder　how　light　and　dark　will　look　to　me　when　I　see？〃

〃I　believe　they　will　astonish　you；〃　I　answered；　〃by　being　entirely　unlike
what　you　fancy　them　to　be　now。〃

She　started。　I　had　alarmed　her　without　intending　it。

〃Will　Oscar's　face　be　utterly　unlike　what　I　fancy　it　to　be　now？〃　she
asked；　in　suddenly　altered　tones。　〃Do　you　mean　to　say　that　I　have　not　had
the　right　image　of　him　in　my　mind　all　this　time？〃

I　tried　again　to　draw　her　off　to　another　topic。　What　more　could　I
dowith　my　tongue　tied　by　the　German's　warning　to　us　not　to　agitate　her；
in　the　face　of　the　operation　to　be　performed　on　the　next　day？

It　was　quite　useless。　She　went　on；　as　before；　without　heeding　me。

〃Have　I　no　means　of　judging　rightly　what　Oscar　is　like？〃　she　said。　〃I
touch　my　own　face；　I　know　how　long　it　is　and　how　broad　it　is；　I　know　how
big　the　different　features　are；　and　where　they　are。　And　then　I　touch
Oscar；　and　compare　his　face　with　my　knowledge　of　my　own　face。　Not　a
single　detail　escapes　me。　I　see　him　in　my　mind　as　plainly　as　you　see　me
across　this　table。　Do　you　mean　to　say；　when　I　see　him　with　my　eyes；　that
I　shall　discover　something　perfectly　new　to　me？　I　don't　believe　it！〃　She
started　up　impatiently；　and　took　a　turn　in　the　room。　〃Oh！〃　she　exclaimed；
with　a　stamp　of　her　foot；　〃why　can't　I　take　laudanum　enough；　or
chloroform　enough　to　kill　me　for　the　next　six　weeksand　then　come　to
life　again　when　the　German　takes　the　bandage　off　my　eyes！〃　She　sat　down
once　more；　and　drifted　all　on　a　sudden　into　a　question　of　pure　morality。
〃Tell　me　this；〃　she　said。　〃Is　the　greatest　virtue；　the　virtue　which　it　is
most　difficult　to　practice？〃

〃I　suppose　so；〃　I　answered。

She　drummed　with　both　hands　on　the　table；　petulantly；　viciously；　as　hard
as　she　could。

〃Then；　Madame　Pratolungo；〃　she　said；　〃the　greatest　of　all　the　virtues
isPatience。　Oh；　my　friend；　how　I　hate　the　greatest　of　all　the　virtues
at　this　moment！〃

That　ended　itthere　the　conversation　found　its　way　into　other　topics　at
last。

Thinking　afterwards　of　the　new　side　of　her　mind　which　Lucilla　had　shown
to　me；　I　derived　one　consolation　from　what　had　passed　at　the
breakfast…table。　If　Mr。　Sebright　proved　to　be　right；　and　if　the　operation
failed　after　all；　I　had　Lucilla's　word　for　it　that　blindness；　of　itself；
is　not　the　terrible　affliction　to　the　blind　which　the　rest　of　us　fancy　it
to　bebecause　we　can　see。

Towards　half…past　seven　in　the　evening；　I　went　out　alone；　as　I　had
planned；　to　meet　Oscar　on　his　return　from　London。

At　a　long　straight　stretch　of　the　road；　I　saw　him　advancing　towards　me。
He　was　walking　more　rapidly　than　usual；　and　singing　as　he　walked。　Even
through　its　livid　discoloration；　the　poor　fellow's　face　looked　radiant
with　happiness　as　he　came　nearer。　He　waved　his　walking…stick　exultingly
in　the　air。　〃Good　news！〃　he　called　out　at　the　top　of　his　voice。　〃Mr。
Sebright　has　made　me　a　happy　man　again！〃　I　had　never　before　seen　him　so
like　Nugent　in　manner；　as　I　now　saw　him　when　we　met　and　he　shook　hands
with　me。

〃Tell　me　all　about　it；〃　I　said。

He　gave　me　his　arm；　and；　talking　all　the　way；　we　walked　back　slowly　to
Dimchurch。

〃In　the　first　place；〃　he　began；　〃Mr。　Sebright　holds　to　his　own　opinion
more　firmly　than　ever。　He　feels　absolutely　certain　that　the　operation
will　fail。〃

〃Is　that　your　good　news？〃　I　asked　reproachfully。

〃No；〃　he　said。　〃Though；　mind；　I　own　to　my　shame　there　was　a　time　when　I
almost　hoped　it　would　fail。　Mr。　Sebright　has　put　me　in　a　better　frame　of
mind。　I　have　little　or　nothing　to　dread　from　the　success　of　the
operationif；　by　any　extraordinary　chance；　it　should　succeed。　I　remind
you　of　Mr。　Sebright's　opinion　merely　to　give　you　a　right　idea　of　the　tone
which　he　took　with　me　at　starting。　He　only　consented　under　protest　to
contemplate　the　event　which　Lucilla　and　Herr　Grosse　consider　to　be　a
certainty。　'If　the　statement　of　your　position　requires　it；'　he　said；　'I
will　admit　that　it　is　barely　possible　she　may　be　able　to　see　you　two
months　hence。　Now　begin。'　I　began　by　informing　him　of　my　marriage
engagement。〃

〃Shall　I　tell　you　how　Mr。　Sebright　received　the　information？〃　I　said。　〃He
held　his　tongue；　and　made　you　a　bow。〃

Oscar　laughed。

〃Quite　true！〃　he　answered。　〃I　told　him　next　of　Lucilla's　extraordinary
antipathy　to　dark　people；　and　dark　shades　of　color　of　all　kinds。　Can　you
guess　what　he　said　to　me　when　I　had　done？〃

I　owned　that　my　observation　of　Mr。　Sebright's　character　did　not　extend　to
guessing　that。

〃He　said　it　was　a　common　antipathy　in　his　experience　of　the　blind。　It　was
one　among　the　many　strange　influences　exercised　by　blindness　on　the　mind。
'The　physical　affliction　has　its　mysterious　moral　influence；'　he　said。
'We　can　observe　it；　but　we　can't　explain　it。　The　special　antipathy　which
you　mention；　is　an　incurable　antipathy；　except　on　one　conditionthe
recovery　of　the　sight。'　There　he　stopped。　I　entreated　him　to　go　on。　No！
He　declined　to　go　on　until　I　had　finished　what　I　had　to　say　to　him　first。
I　had　my　confession　still　to　make　to　himand　I　made　it。〃

〃You　concealed　nothing？〃

〃Nothing。　I　laid　my　weakness　bare　before　him。　I　told　him　that　Lucilla　was
still　firmly　convinced　that　Nugent's　was　the　discolored　face；　instead　of
mine。　And　then　I　put　the　questionWhat　am　I　to　do？〃

〃And　how　did　he　reply？〃

〃In　these　words：'If　you　ask　me　what　you　are　to　do；　in　the　event　of　her
remaining　blind　（which　I　tell　you　again　will　be　the　event）；　I　decline　to
advise　you。　Your　own　conscience　and　your　own　sense　of　honor　must　decide
the　question。　On　the　other　hand；　if　you　ask　me　what　you　are　to　do；　in　the
event　of　her　recovering　her　sight；　I　can　answer　you　unreservedly　in　the
plainest　terms。　Leave　things　as　they　are；　and　wait　till　she　sees。'　Those
were　his　own　words。　Oh；　the　load　that　they　took　off　my　mind！　I　made　him
repeat　themI　declare　I　was　almost　afraid　to　trust　the　evidence　of　my
own　ears。〃

I　understood　the　motive　of　Oscar's　good　spirits；　better　than　I　understood
the　motive　of　Mr。　Sebright's　advice。　〃Did　he　give　his　reasons？〃　I　asked。

〃You　shall　hear　his　reasons　directly。　He　insisted　on　first　satisfying
himself　that　I　thoroughly　understood　my　position　at　that　moment。　'The
prime　condition　of　success；　as　Herr　Grosse　has　told　you；'　he　said；　'is
the　perfect　tranquillity　of　the　patient。　If　you　make　your　confession　to
the　young　lady　when　you　get　back　to…night　to　Dimchurch；　you　throw　her
into　a　state　of　excitement　which　will　render　it　impossible　for　my　German
colleague　to　operate　on　her　to…morrow。　If　you　defer　your　confession；　the
medical　necessities　of　the　case　force　you　to　be　silent；　until　the
professional　attendance　of　the　oculist　has　ceased。　There　is　your
position！　My　advice　to　you　is　to　adopt　the　last　alternative。　Wait　（and
make　the　other　persons　in　the　secret　wait）　until　the　result　of　the
operation　has　declared　itself。'　There　I　stopped　him。　'Do　you　mean　that　I
am　to　be　present；　on　the　first　occasion　when　she　is　able　to　use　her
eyes？'　I　asked。　'Am　I　to　let　her　see　me；　without　a　word　beforehand　to
prepare　her　for　the　color　of　my　face？'　〃

We　were　now　getting　to　the　interesting　part　of　it。　You　English　people；
when　you　are　out　walking　and　are　carrying　on　a　conversation　with　a
friend；　never　come　to　a　standstill　at　the　points　of　interest。　We
foreigners；　on　the　other　hand；　invariably　stop。　I　surprised　Oscar　by
suddenly　pulling　him　up　in　the　middle　of　the　road。

〃What　is　the　matter？〃　he　asked。

〃Go　on！〃　I　said　impatiently。

〃I　can't　go　on；〃　he　rejoined。　〃You're　holding　me。〃

I　held　him　tighter　than　ever；　and　ordered　him　more　resolutely　than　ever
to　go　on。　Oscar　resigned　himself　to　a　halt　（foreign　fashion）　on　the　high
road。

〃Mr。　Sebright　met　my　question　by　putting　a　question　on　his　side；〃　he
resumed。　〃He　asked　me　how　I　proposed　to　prepare　her　for　the　color　of　my
face。〃

〃And　what　did　you　tell　him？〃

〃I　said　I　had　planned　to　make　an　excuse　for　leaving　Dimchurchand；　once
away；　to　prepare　her；　by　writing；　for　what　she　might　expect　to　see　when　I
returned。〃

〃What　did　he　say　to　that？〃

〃He　wouldn't　hear　of　it。　He　said；　'I　strongly　recommend　you　to　be　present
on　the　first　occasion　when　she　is　capable　（if　she　ever　is　capable）　of
using　her　sight。　I　attach　the　greatest　importance　to　her　being　able　to
correct　the　hideous　and　absurd　image　now　in　her　mind　of　a　face　like
yours；　by　seeing　you　as　you　really　are　at　the　earliest　available
opportunity。'　〃

We　were　just　walking　on　again；　when　certain　words　in　that　last　sentence
startled　me。　I　stopped　short　once　more。

〃Hideous　and　absurd　image？〃　I　repeated；　thinking　instantly　of　my
conversation　of　that　morning　with　Lucilla。　What　did　Mr。　Sebright　mean　by
using　such　language　as　that？〃

〃Just　what　I　asked　him。　His　reply　will　interest　you。　It　led　him　into　that
explanation　of　his　motives　which　you　inquired　for　just　now。　Shall　we　walk
on？〃

My　petrified　foreign　feet　recovered　their　activity。　We　went　on　again。

〃When　I　had　spoken　to　Mr。　Sebright　of　Lucilla's　inveterate　prejudice；〃
Oscar　continued；　〃he　had　surprised　me　by　saying　that　it　was　common　in　his
experience；　and　was　only　curable　by　her　restoration　to　sight。　In　support
of　those　assertions；　he　now　told　me　of　two　interesting　cases　which　had
occurred　in　his　professional　practice。　The　first　was　the　case　of　the
little　daughter　of　an　Indian　officerblind　from　infancy　like　Lucilla。
After　operating　successfully；　the　time　came　when　he　could　permit　his
patient　to　try　her　sightthat　is　to　say；　to　try　if　she　could　see
sufficiently　well　at　first；　to　distinguish　dark　objects　from　light。　Among
the　members　of　the　household　assembled　to　witness　the　removal　of　the
bandage；　was　an　Indian　nurse　who　had　accompanied　the　family　to　England。
The　first　person　the　child　saw　was　her　mothera　fair　woman。　She　clasped
her　little　hands　in　astonishment；　and　that　was　all。　At　the　next　turn　of
her　head；　she　saw　the　dark　Indian　nurse　and　instantly　screamed　with
terror。　Mr。　Sebright　owned　to　me　that　he　could　not　explain　it。　The　child
could　have　no　possible　association　with　colors。　Yet　there　nevertheless
was　the　most　violent　hatred　and　horror　of　a　dark　object　（the　hatred　and
horror　peculiar　to　the　blind）　expressing　itself　unmistakably　in　a　child
of　ten　years　old！　My　first　thought；　while　he　was　telling　me　this；　was　of
myself；　and　of　my　chance　with　Lucilla。