the red badge of courage(红色英勇勋章)-第16章
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thing。 Without salve； he could not； he thought； wear the sore badge of his
dishonor through life。 With his heart con… tinually assuring him that he
was despicable； he could not exist without making it； through his actions；
apparent to all men。
If the army had gone gloriously on he would be lost。 If the din meant
that now his army's flags were tilted forward he was a condemned wretch。
He would be compelled to doom himself to isolation。 If the men were
advancing； their indifferent feet were trampling upon his chances for a
successful life。
As these thoughts went rapidly through his mind； he turned upon them
and tried to thrust them away。 He denounced himself as a villain。 He said
that he was the most unutterably selfish man in existence。 His mind
pictured the soldiers who would place their defiant bodies before the spear
of the yelling battle fiend； and as he saw their dripping corpses on an
imagined field； he said that he was their murderer。
Again he thought that he wished he was dead。 He believed that he
envied a corpse。 Thinking of the slain； he achieved a great contempt for
some of them； as if they were guilty for thus becoming lifeless。 They
might have been killed by lucky chances； he said； before they had had
opportunities to flee or before they had been really tested。 Yet they
would receive laurels from tradition。 He cried out bitterly that their
crowns were stolen and their robes of glori… ous memories were shams。
However； he still said that it was a great pity he was not as they。
A defeat of the army had suggested itself to him as a means of escape
from the consequences of his fall。 He considered； now； however； that it
was useless to think of such a possibility。 His education had been that
success for that mighty blue machine was certain； that it would make
victories as a contrivance turns out buttons。 He presently discarded all
his speculations in the other direction。 He returned to the creed of
soldiers。
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When he perceived again that it was not possible for the army to be
defeated； he tried to bethink him of a fine tale which he could take back to
his regiment； and with it turn the expected shafts of derision。
But； as he mortally feared these shafts； it became impossible for him to
invent a tale he felt he could trust。 He experimented with many schemes；
but threw them aside one by one as flimsy。 He was quick to see
vulnerable places in them all。
Furthermore； he was much afraid that some arrow of scorn might lay
him mentally low before he could raise his protecting tale。
He imagined the whole regiment saying： 〃Where's Henry Fleming？
He run； didn't 'e？ Oh； my！〃 He recalled various persons who would be
quite sure to leave him no peace about it。 They would doubtless question
him with sneers； and laugh at his stammering hesi… tation。 In the next
engagement they would try to keep watch of him to discover when he
would run。
Wherever he went in camp； he would en… counter insolent and
lingeringly cruel stares。 As he imagined himself passing near a crowd of
comrades； he could hear some one say； 〃There he goes！〃
Then； as if the heads were moved by one muscle； all the faces were
turned toward him with wide； derisive grins。 He seemed to hear some
one make a humorous remark in a low tone。 At it the others all crowed and
cackled。 He was a slang phrase。
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CHAPTER XII。
THE column that had butted stoutly at the obstacles in the roadway
was barely out of the youth's sight before he saw dark waves of men come
sweeping out of the woods and down through the fields。 He knew at
once that the steel fibers had been washed from their hearts。 They were
bursting from their coats and their equipments as from entanglements。
They charged down upon him like terrified buffaloes。
Behind them blue smoke curled and clouded above the treetops； and
through the thickets he could sometimes see a distant pink glare。 The
voices of the cannon were clamoring in intermi… nable chorus。
The youth was horrorstricken。 He stared in agony and amazement。
He forgot that he was engaged in combating the universe。 He threw
aside his mental pamphlets on the philoso… phy of the retreated and rules
for the guidance of the damned。
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The fight was lost。 The dragons were com… ing with invincible
strides。 The army； helpless in the matted thickets and blinded by the
over… hanging night； was going to be swallowed。 War； the red animal；
war； the blood…swollen god； would have bloated fill。
Within him something bade to cry out。 He had the impulse to make a
rallying speech； to sing a battle hymn； but he could only get his tongue to
call into the air： 〃Whywhywhatwhat 's th' matter？〃
Soon he was in the midst of them。 They were leaping and
scampering all about him。 Their blanched faces shone in the dusk。 They
seemed； for the most part； to be very burly men。 The youth turned from
one to another of them as they galloped along。 His incoherent questions
were lost。 They were heedless of his appeals。 They did not seem to see
him。
They sometimes gabbled insanely。 One huge man was asking of the
sky： 〃Say； where de plank road？ Where de plank road！〃 It was as if he
had lost a child。 He wept in his pain and dismay。
Presently； men were running hither and thither in all ways。 The
artillery booming； forward； rearward； and on the flanks made jumble of
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ideas of direction。 Landmarks had vanished into the gathered gloom。
The youth began to imagine that he had got into the center of the
tremendous quarrel； and he could perceive no way out of it。 From the
mouths of the fleeing men came a thousand wild questions； but no one
made answers。
The youth； after rushing about and throwing interrogations at the
heedless bands of retreating infantry； finally clutched a man by the arm。
They swung around face to face。
〃Whywhy〃 stammered the youth strug… gling with his balking
tongue。
The man screamed： 〃Let go me！ Let go me！〃 His face was livid
and his eyes were roll… ing uncontrolled。 He was heaving and panting。
He still grasped his rifle； perhaps having for… gotten to release his hold
upon it。 He tugged frantically； and the youth being compelled to lean
forward was dragged several paces。
〃Let go me！ Let go me！〃
〃Whywhy〃 stuttered the youth。
〃Well； then！〃 bawled the man in a lurid rage。 He adroitly and fiercely
swung his rifle。 It crushed upon the youth's head。 The man ran on。
The youth's fingers had turned to paste upon the other's arm。 The
energy was smitten from his muscles。 He saw the flaming wings of light…
ning flash before his vision。 There was a deaf… ening rumble of thunder
within his head。
Suddenly his legs seemed to die。 He sank writhing to the ground。
He tried to arise。 In his efforts against the numbing pain he was like a
man wrestling with a creature of the air。
There was a sinister struggle。
Sometimes he would achieve a position half erect； battle with the air
for a moment； and then fall again； grabbing at the grass。 His face was of
a clammy pallor。 Deep groans were wrenched from him。
At last； with a twisting movement； he got upon his hands and knees；
and from thence； like a babe trying to walk； to his feet。 Pressing his
hands to his temples he went lurching over the grass。
He fought an intense battle with his body。 His dulled senses wished
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him to swoon and he opposed them stubbornly； his mind portraying
unknown dangers and mutilations if he should fall upon the field。 He
went tall soldier fashion。 He imagined secluded spots where he could fall
and be unmolested。 To search for one he strove against the tide of his
pain。
Once he put his hand to the top of his head and timidly touched the
wound。 The scratching pain of the contact made him draw a long breath
through his clinched teeth。 His fingers were dabbled with blood。 He
regarded them with a fixed stare。
Around him he could hear the grumble of jolted cannon as the
scurrying horses were lashed toward the front。 Once； a young officer on
a besplashed charger nearly ran him down。 He turned and watched the
mass of guns； men； and horses sweeping in a wide curve toward a gap in a
fence。 The officer was making excited motions with a gauntleted hand。
The guns followed the teams with an air of unwillingness； of being
dragged by the heels。
Some officers of the scattered infantry were cursing and railing like
fishwives。 Their scold… ing voices could be heard above the din。 Into
the unspeakable jumble in the roadway rode a squadron of cavalry。 The
faded yellow of their facings shone bravely。 There was a migh
