the red badge of courage(红色英勇勋章)-第15章
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exhortations； commands； imprecations。 Fear was sweeping it all along。
The cracking whips bit and horses plunged and tugged。 The white…
topped wagons strained and stumbled in their exertions like fat sheep。
The youth felt comforted in a measure by this sight。 They were all
retreating。 Perhaps； then； he was not so bad after all。 He seated himself
and watched the terror…stricken wagons。 They fled like soft； ungainly
animals。 All the roarers and lashers served to help him to magnify the
dangers and horrors of the engagement that he
107 might try to prove to himself that the thing with which men could
charge him was in truth a symmetrical act。 There was an amount of
pleas… ure to him in watching the wild march of this vindication。
Presently the calm head of a forward…going column of infantry
appeared in the road。 It came swiftly on。 Avoiding the obstructions
gave it the sinuous movement of a serpent。 The men at the head butted
mules with their musket stocks。 They prodded teamsters indifferent to all
howls。 The men forced their way through parts of the dense mass by
strength。 The blunt head of the column pushed。 The raving team… sters
swore many strange oaths。
The commands to make way had the ring of a great importance in
them。 The men were going forward to the heart of the din。 They were
to confront the eager rush of the enemy。 They felt the pride of their
onward movement when the remainder of the army seemed trying to
dribble down this road。 They tumbled teams about with a fine feeling
that it was no matter so long as their column got to the front in time。
This importance made their faces grave and stern。 And the backs of the
officers were very rigid。
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As the youth looked at them the black weight of his woe returned to
him。 He felt that he was regarding a procession of chosen beings。 The
separation was as great to him as if they had marched with weapons of
flame and banners of sunlight。 He could never be like them。 He could
have wept in his longings。
He searched about in his mind for an ade… quate malediction for the
indefinite cause； the thing upon which men turn the words of final blame。
Itwhatever it waswas responsible for him； he said。 There lay the fault。
The haste of the column to reach the battle seemed to the forlorn
young man to be some… thing much finer than stout fighting。 Heroes； he
thought； could find excuses in that long seething lane。 They could retire
with perfect self…respect and make excuses to the stars。
He wondered what those men had eaten that they could be in such
haste to force their way to grim chances of death。 As he watched his
envy grew until he thought that he wished to change lives with one of
them。 He would have liked to have used a tremendous force； he said；
throw off himself and become a better。 Swift pictures of himself； apart；
yet in himself； came to hima blue desperate figure leading lurid charges
with one knee forward and a broken blade higha blue； determined figure
standing before a crimson and steel assault； getting calmly killed on a high
place before the eyes of all。 He thought of the magnificent pathos of his
dead body。
These thoughts uplifted him。 He felt the quiver of war desire。 In
his ears； he heard the ring of victory。 He knew the frenzy of a rapid
successful charge。 The music of the trampling feet； the sharp voices； the
clanking arms of the column near him made him soar on the red wings of
war。 For a few moments he was sublime。
He thought that he was about to start for the front。 Indeed； he saw a
picture of himself； dust… stained； haggard； panting； flying to the front at the
proper moment to seize and throttle the dark； leering witch of calamity。
Then the difficulties of the thing began to drag at him。 He hesitated；
balancing awkwardly on one foot。
He had no rifle； he could not fight with his hands； said he resentfully
to his plan。 Well； rifles could be had for the picking。 They were
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extraordinarily profuse。
Also； he continued； it would be a miracle if he found his regiment。
Well； he could fight with any regiment。
He started forward slowly。 He stepped as if he expected to tread
upon some explosive thing。 Doubts and he were struggling。
He would truly be a worm if any of his com… rades should see him
returning thus； the marks of his flight upon him。 There was a reply that
the intent fighters did not care for what happened rearward saving that no
hostile bayonets ap… peared there。 In the battle…blur his face would； in a
way be hidden； like the face of a cowled man。
But then he said that his tireless fate would bring forth； when the strife
lulled for a moment； a man to ask of him an explanation。 In imagina…
tion he felt the scrutiny of his companions as he painfully labored through
some lies。
Eventually； his courage expended itself upon these objections。 The
debates drained him of his fire。
He was not cast down by this defeat of his plan； for； upon studying the
affair carefully； he could not but admit that the objections were very
formidable。
Furthermore； various ailments had begun to cry out。 In their presence
he could not persist in flying high with the wings of war； they rendered it
almost impossible for him to see him… self in a heroic light。 He tumbled
headlong。
He discovered that he had a scorching thirst。 His face was so dry and
grimy that he thought he could feel his skin crackle。 Each bone of his
body had an ache in it； and seemingly threatened to break with each
movement。 His feet were like two sores。 Also； his body was calling for
food。 It was more powerful than a direct hunger。 There was a dull；
weight like feeling in his stom… ach； and； when he tried to walk； his head
swayed and he tottered。 He could not see with distinct… ness。 Small
patches of green mist floated before his vision。
While he had been tossed by many emotions； he had not been aware of
ailments。 Now they beset him and made clamor。 As he was at last
compelled to pay attention to them； his capacity for self…hate was
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multiplied。 In despair； he declared that he was not like those others。 He
now conceded it to be impossible that he should ever become a hero。 He
was a craven loon。 Those pictures of glory were piteous things。 He
groaned from his heart and went staggering off。
A certain mothlike quality within him kept him in the vicinity of the
battle。 He had a great desire to see； and to get news。 He wished to
know who was winning。
He told himself that； despite his unprecedented suffering； he had never
lost his greed for a victory； yet； he said； in a half…apologetic manner to his
conscience； he could not but know that a defeat for the army this time
might mean many favor… able things for him。 The blows of the enemy
would splinter regiments into fragments。 Thus； many men of courage； he
considered； would be obliged to desert the colors and scurry like chickens。
He would appear as one of them。 They would be sullen brothers in distress；
and he could then easily believe he had not run any farther or faster than
they。 And if he himself could believe in his virtuous perfection； he con…
ceived that there would be small trouble in con… vincing all others。
He said； as if in excuse for this hope； that previously the army had
encountered great defeats and in a few months had shaken off all blood
and tradition of them； emerging as bright and valiant as a new one；
thrusting out of sight the memory of disaster； and appearing with the valor
and confidence of unconquered legions。 The shrilling voices of the people
at home would pipe dismally for a time； but various generals were usually
compelled to listen to these ditties。 He of course felt no compunctions for
proposing a general as a sacrifice。 He could not tell who the chosen for
the barbs might be； so he could center no direct sympathy upon him。 The
people were afar and he did not conceive public opinion to be accurate at
long range。 It was quite probable they would hit the wrong man who；
after he had recovered from his amazement would perhaps spend the rest
of his days in writ… ing replies to the songs of his alleged failure。 It
would be very unfortunate； no doubt； but in this case a general was of no
consequence to the youth。
In a defeat there would be a roundabout vindication of himself。 He
thought it would prove； in a manner； that he had fled early because of his
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superior powers of perception。 A serious prophet upon predicting a flood
should be the first man to climb a tree。 This would demon… strate that he
was indeed a seer。
A moral vindication was regarded by the youth as a very important
thing。 Without salve； he could not； he thought； wear the sore badge of his
d
