the lifted veil-第5章

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casting　doubt　on　my　terrible　convictionthe　discovery　that　my
vision　of　Prague　had　been　falseand　Prague　was　the　next　city　on
our　route。

Meanwhile；　I　was　no　sooner　in　Bertha's　society　again　than　I　was　as
completely　under　her　sway　as　before。　　What　if　I　saw　into　the　heart
of　Bertha；　the　matured　womanBertha；　my　wife？　　Bertha；　the　GIRL；
was　a　fascinating　secret　to　me　still：　　I　trembled　under　her　touch；
I　felt　the　witchery　of　her　presence；　I　yearned　to　be　assured　of　her
love。　　The　fear　of　poison　is　feeble　against　the　sense　of　thirst。
Nay；　I　was　just　as　jealous　of　my　brother　as　beforejust　as　much
irritated　by　his　small　patronizing　ways；　for　my　pride；　my　diseased
sensibility；　were　there　as　they　had　always　been；　and　winced　as
inevitably　under　every　offence　as　my　eye　winced　from　an　intruding
mote。　　The　future；　even　when　brought　within　the　compass　of　feeling
by　a　vision　that　made　me　shudder；　had　still　no　more　than　the　force
of　an　idea；　compared　with　the　force　of　present　emotionof　my　love
for　Bertha；　of　my　dislike　and　jealousy　towards　my　brother。

It　is　an　old　story；　that　men　sell　themselves　to　the　tempter；　and
sign　a　bond　with　their　blood；　because　it　is　only　to　take　effect　at
a　distant　day；　then　rush　on　to　snatch　the　cup　their　souls　thirst
after　with　an　impulse　not　the　less　savage　because　there　is　a　dark
shadow　beside　them　for　evermore。　　There　is　no　short　cut；　no　patent
tram…road；　to　wisdom：　　after　all　the　centuries　of　invention；　the
soul's　path　lies　through　the　thorny　wilderness　which　must　be　still
trodden　in　solitude；　with　bleeding　feet；　with　sobs　for　help；　as　it
was　trodden　by　them　of　old　time。

My　mind　speculated　eagerly　on　the　means　by　which　I　should　become　my
brother's　successful　rival；　for　I　was　still　too　timid；　in　my
ignorance　of　Bertha's　actual　feeling；　to　venture　on　any　step　that
would　urge　from　her　an　avowal　of　it。　　I　thought　I　should　gain
confidence　even　for　this；　if　my　vision　of　Prague　proved　to　have
been　veracious；　and　yet；　the　horror　of　that　certitude！　　Behind　the
slim　girl　Bertha；　whose　words　and　looks　I　watched　for；　whose　touch
was　bliss；　there　stood　continually　that　Bertha　with　the　fuller
form；　the　harder　eyes；　the　more　rigid　mouthwith　the　barren；
selfish　soul　laid　bare；　no　longer　a　fascinating　secret；　but　a
measured　fact；　urging　itself　perpetually　on　my　unwilling　sight。
Are　you　unable　to　give　me　your　sympathyyou　who　react　this？　　Are
you　unable　to　imagine　this　double　consciousness　at　work　within　me；
flowing　on　like　two　parallel　streams　which　never　mingle　their
waters　and　blend　into　a　common　hue？　　Yet　you　must　have　known
something　of　the　presentiments　that　spring　from　an　insight　at　war
with　passion；　and　my　visions　were　only　like　presentiments
intensified　to　horror。　　You　have　known　the　powerlessness　of　ideas
before　the　might　of　impulse；　and　my　visions；　when　once　they　had
passed　into　memory；　were　mere　ideaspale　shadows　that　beckoned　in
vain；　while　my　hand　was　grasped　by　the　living　and　the　loved。

In　after…days　I　thought　with　bitter　regret　that　if　I　had　foreseen
something　more　or　something　differentif　instead　of　that　hideous
vision　which　poisoned　the　passion　it　could　not　destroy；　or　if　even
along　with　it　I　could　have　had　a　foreshadowing　of　that　moment　when
I　looked　on　my　brother's　face　for　the　last　time；　some　softening
influence　would　have　been　shed　over　my　feeling　towards　him：　　pride
and　hatred　would　surely　have　been　subdued　into　pity；　and　the　record
of　those　hidden　sins　would　have　been　shortened。　　But　this　is　one　of
the　vain　thoughts　with　which　we　men　flatter　ourselves。　　We　try　to
believe　that　the　egoism　within　us　would　have　easily　been　melted；
and　that　it　was　only　the　narrowness　of　our　knowledge　which　hemmed
in　our　generosity；　our　awe；　our　human　piety；　and　hindered　them　from
submerging　our　hard　indifference　to　the　sensations　and　emotions　of
our　fellows。　　Our　tenderness　and　self…renunciation　seem　strong　when
our　egoism　has　had　its　daywhen；　after　our　mean　striving　for　a
triumph　that　is　to　be　another's　loss；　the　triumph　comes　suddenly；
and　we　shudder　at　it；　because　it　is　held　out　by　the　chill　hand　of
death。

Our　arrival　in　Prague　happened　at　night；　and　I　was　glad　of　this；
for　it　seemed　like　a　deferring　of　a　terribly　decisive　moment；　to　be
in　the　city　for　hours　without　seeing　it。　　As　we　were　not　to　remain
long　in　Prague；　but　to　go　on　speedily　to　Dresden；　it　was　proposed
that　we　should　drive　out　the　next　morning　and　take　a　general　view
of　the　place；　as　well　as　visit　some　of　its　specially　interesting
spots；　before　the　heat　became　oppressivefor　we　were　in　August；
and　the　season　was　hot　and　dry。　　But　it　happened　that　the　ladies
were　rather　late　at　their　morning　toilet；　and　to　my　father's
politely…repressed　but　perceptible　annoyance；　we　were　not　in　the
carriage　till　the　morning　was　far　advanced。　　I　thought　with　a　sense
of　relief；　as　we　entered　the　Jews'　quarter；　where　we　were　to　visit
the　old　synagogue；　that　we　should　be　kept　in　this　flat；　shut…up
part　of　the　city；　until　we　should　all　be　too　tired　and　too　warm　to
go　farther；　and　so　we　should　return　without　seeing　more　than　the
streets　through　which　we　had　already　passed。　　That　would　give　me
another　day's　suspensesuspense；　the　only　form　in　which　a　fearful
spirit　knows　the　solace　of　hope。　　But；　as　I　stood　under　the
blackened；　groined　arches　of　that　old　synagogue；　made　dimly　visible
by　the　seven　thin　candles　in　the　sacred　lamp；　while　our　Jewish
cicerone　reached　down　the　Book　of　the　Law；　and　read　to　us　in　its
ancient　tongueI　felt　a　shuddering　impression　that　this　strange
building；　with　its　shrunken　lights；　this　surviving　withered　remnant
of　medieval　Judaism；　was　of　a　piece　with　my　vision。　　Those　darkened
dusty　Christian　saints；　with　their　loftier　arches　and　their　larger
candles；　needed　the　consolatory　scorn　with　which　they　might　point
to　a　more　shrivelled　death…in…life　than　their　own。

As　I　expected；　when　we　left　the　Jews'　quarter　the　elders　of　our
party　wished　to　return　to　the　hotel。　　But　now；　instead　of　rejoicing
in　this；　as　I　had　done　beforehand；　I　felt　a　sudden　overpowering
impulse　to　go　on　at　once　to　the　bridge；　and　put　an　end　to　the
suspense　I　had　been　wishing　to　protract。　　I　declared；　with　unusual
decision；　that　I　would　get　out　of　the　carriage　and　walk　on　alone；
they　might　return　without　me。　　My　father；　thinking　this　merely　a
sample　of　my　usual　〃poetic　nonsense；〃　objected　that　I　should　only
do　myself　harm　by　walking　in　the　heat；　but　when　I　persisted；　he
said　angrily　that　I　might　follow　my　own　absurd　devices；　but　that
Schmidt　（our　courier）　must　go　with　me。　　I　assented　to　this；　and　set
off　with　Schmidt　towards　the　bridge。　　I　had　no　sooner　passed　from
under　the　archway　of　the　grand　old　gate　leading　an　to　the　bridge；
than　a　trembling　seized　me；　and　I　turned　cold　under　the　mid…day
sun；　yet　I　went　on；　I　was　in　search　of　somethinga　small　detail
which　I　remembered　with　special　intensity　as　part　of　my　vision。
There　it　wasthe　patch　of　rainbow　light　on　the　pavement
transmitted　through　a　lamp　in　the　shape　of　a　star。



CHAPTER　II



Before　the　autumn　was　at　an　end；　and　while　the　brown　leaves　still
stood　thick　on　the　beeches　in　our　park；　my　brother　and　Bertha　were
engaged　to　each　other；　and　it　was　understood　that　their　marriage
was　to　take　place　early　in　the　next　spring。　　In　spite　of　the
certainty　I　had　felt　from　that　moment　on　the　bridge　at　Prague；　that
Bertha　would　one　day　be　my　wife；　my　constitutional　timidity　and
distrust　had　continued　to　benumb　me；　and　the　words　in　which　I　had
sometimes　premeditated　a　confession　of　my　love；　had　died　away
unuttered。　　The　same　conflict　had　gone　on　within　me　as　beforethe
longing　for　an　assurance　of　love　from　Bertha's　lips；　the　dread　lest
a　word　of　contempt　and　denial　should　fall　upon　me　like　a　corrosive
acid。　　What　was　the　conviction　of　a　distant　necessity　to　me？　　l
trembled　under　a　present　glance；　I　hungered　after　a　present　joy；　I
was　clogged　and　chilled　by　a　present　fear。　　And　so　the　days　passed
on：　　I　witnessed　Bertha's　engagement　and　heard　her　marriage
discussed　as　if　I　were　under　a　conscious　nightmareknowing　it　was
a　dream　that　would　vanish；　but　feeling　stifled　under　the　grasp　of
hard…clutching　fingers。

When　I　was　not　in　Bertha's　presenceand　I　was　with　her　very　often；
for　she　continued　to　treat　me　with　a　playful　patronage　that　wakened
no　jealousy　in　my　brotherI　spent　my　time　chiefly　in　wandering；　in
strolling；　or　taking　long　rides　while　the　daylight　lasted；　and　then
shutting　myself　up　with　my　unread　books；　for　books　had　lost　the
power　of　chaining　my　attention。　　My　self…consciousness　was
heightened　to　that　pitch　of　intensity　in　which　our　own　emotions
take　the　form　of　a　drama　which　urges　itself　imperatively　on　our
contemplation；　and　we　begin　to　weep；　less　under　the　sense　of　our
suffering　than　at　the　thought　of　it。　　I　felt　a　sort　of　pitying
anguish　over　the　pathos　of　my　own　lot：　　the　lot　of　a　being　finely
organized　for　pain；　but　with　hardly　any　fibres　that　responded　to
pleasureto　whom　the　idea　of　future　evil　robbed　the　present　of　its
joy；　and　for　whom　the　idea　of　future　good　did　not　still　the
uneasiness　of　a　present　yearning　or　a　present　dread。　　I　went　dumbly
through　that　stage　of　the　poet's　suffering；　in　which　he　feels　the
delicious　pang　of　utterance；　and　makes　an　image　of　his　sorrows。

I　was　left　entirely　without　remonstrance　concerning　this　dreamy
wayward　life：　　I　knew　my　father's　thought　about　me：　　〃That　lad　will
never　be　good　for　anything　in　life：　　he　may　waste　his　years　in　an
insignificant　way　on　the　income　that　falls　to　him：　　I　shall　not
trouble　myself　about　a　career　for　him。〃

One　mild　morning　in　the　beginning　of　November；　it　happened　that　I
was　standing　outside　the　portico　patting　lazy　old　Caesar；　a
Newfoundland　almost　blind　with　age；　the　only　dog　that　ever　took　any
notice　of　mefor　the　very　dogs　shunned　me；　and　fawned　on　the
happier　people　about　mewhen　the　groom　brought　up　my　brother's
horse　which　was　to　carry　him　to　the　hunt；　and　my　brother　himself
appeared　at　the　door；　florid；　broad…chested；　and　self…complacent；
feeling　what　a　good…natured　fellow　he　was　not　to　behave　insolently
to　us　all　on　the　strength　of　his　great　advantages。

〃Latimer；　old　boy；〃　he　said　to　me　in　a　tone　of　compassionate
cordiality；　〃what　a　pity　it　is　you　don't　have　a　run　with　the　hounds
now　and　then！　　The　finest　thing　in　the　world　for　low　spirits！〃

〃Low　spirits！〃　I　thought　bitterly；　as　he　rode　away；　〃that　is　the
sort　of　phrase　with　which　coarse；　narrow　natures　like　yours　think
to　describe　experience　of　which　you　can　know　no　more　than　your
horse　knows。　　It　is　to　such　as　you　that　the　good　of　this　world
falls：　　ready　dulness；　healthy　selfishness；　good…tempered　conceit
these　are　the　keys　to　happiness。〃

The　quick　thought　came；　that　my　selfishness　was　even　stronger　than
hisit　was　only　a　suffering　selfishness　instead　of　an　enjoying
one。　　But　then；　again；　my　exasperating　insight　into　Alfred's　self…
complacent　soul；　his　freedom　from　all　the　doubts　and　fears；　the
unsatisfied　yearnings；　the　exquisite　tortures　of　sensitiveness；
that　had　made　the　web　of　my　life；　seemed　to　absolve　me　from　all
bonds　towards　him。　　This　man　needed　no　pity；　no　love；　those　fine
influences　would　have　been　as　little　felt　by　him　as　the　d