the lifted veil-第4章

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psychological　predictions；　and　in　compelling　the　men　who　paint
sylphs；　to　fall　in　love　with　some　bonne　et　brave　femme；　heavy…
heeled　and　freckled。

Bertha's　behaviour　towards　me　was　such　as　to　encourage　all　my
illusions；　to　heighten　my　boyish　passion；　and　make　me　more　and　more
dependent　on　her　smiles。　　Looking　back　with　my　present　wretched
knowledge；　I　conclude　that　her　vanity　and　love　of　power　were
intensely　gratified　by　the　belief　that　I　had　fainted　on　first
seeing　her　purely　from　the　strong　impression　her　person　had
produced　on　me。　　The　most　prosaic　woman　likes　to　believe　herself
the　object　of　a　violent；　a　poetic　passion；　and　without　a　grain　of
romance　in　her；　Bertha　had　that　spirit　of　intrigue　which　gave
piquancy　to　the　idea　that　the　brother　of　the　man　she　meant　to　marry
was　dying　with　love　and　jealousy　for　her　sake。　　That　she　meant　to
marry　my　brother；　was　what　at　that　time　I　did　not　believe；　for
though　he　was　assiduous　in　his　attentions　to　her；　and　I　knew　well
enough　that　both　he　and　my　father　had　made　up　their　minds　to　this
result；　there　was　not　yet　an　understood　engagementthere　had　been
no　explicit　declaration；　and　Bertha　habitually；　while　she　flirted
with　my　brother；　and　accepted　his　homage　in　a　way　that　implied　to
him　a　thorough　recognition　of　its　intention；　made　me　believe；　by
the　subtlest　looks　and　phrasesfeminine　nothings　which　could　never
be　quoted　against　herthat　he　was　really　the　object　of　her　secret
ridicule；　that　she　thought　him；　as　I　did；　a　coxcomb；　whom　she　would
have　pleasure　in　disappointing。　　Me　she　openly　petted　in　my
brother's　presence；　as　if　I　were　too　young　and　sickly　ever　to　be
thought　of　as　a　lover；　and　that　was　the　view　he　took　of　me。　　But　I
believe　she　must　inwardly　have　delighted　in　the　tremors　into　which
she　threw　me　by　the　coaxing　way　in　which　she　patted　my　curls；　while
she　laughed　at　my　quotations。　　Such　caresses　were　always　given　in
the　presence　of　our　friends；　for　when　we　were　alone　together；　she
affected　a　much　greater　distance　towards　me；　and　now　and　then　took
the　opportunity；　by　words　or　slight　actions；　to　stimulate　my
foolish　timid　hope　that　she　really　preferred　me。　　And　why　should
she　not　follow　her　inclination？　　I　was　not　in　so　advantageous　a
position　as　my　brother；　but　I　had　fortune；　I　was　not　a　year　younger
than　she　was；　and　she　was　an　heiress；　who　would　soon　be　of　age　to
decide　for　herself。

The　fluctuations　of　hope　and　fear；　confined　to　this　one　channel；
made　each　day　in　her　presence　a　delicious　torment。　　There　was　one
deliberate　act　of　hers　which　especially　helped　to　intoxicate　me。
When　we　were　at　Vienna　her　twentieth　birthday　occurred；　and　as　she
was　very　fond　of　ornaments；　we　all　took　the　opportunity　of　the
splendid　jewellers'　shops　in　that　Teutonic　Paris　to　purchase　her　a
birthday　present　of　jewellery。　　Mine；　naturally；　was　the　least
expensive；　it　was　an　opal　ringthe　opal　was　my　favourite　stone；
because　it　seems　to　blush　and　turn　pale　as　if　it　had　a　soul。　　I
told　Bertha　so　when　I　gave　it　her；　and　said　that　it　was　an　emblem
of　the　poetic　nature；　changing　with　the　changing　light　of　heaven
and　of　woman's　eyes。　　In　the　evening　she　appeared　elegantly
dressed；　and　wearing　conspicuously　all　the　birthday　presents　except
mine。　　I　looked　eagerly　at　her　fingers；　but　saw　no　opal。　　I　had　no
opportunity　of　noticing　this　to　her　during　the　evening；　but　the
next　day；　when　I　found　her　seated　near　the　window　alone；　after
breakfast；　I　said；　〃You　scorn　to　wear　my　poor　opal。　　I　should　have
remembered　that　you　despised　poetic　natures；　and　should　have　given
you　coral；　or　turquoise；　or　some　other　opaque　unresponsive　stone。〃
〃Do　I　despise　it？〃　she　answered；　taking　hold　of　a　delicate　gold
chain　which　she　always　wore　round　her　neck　and　drawing　out　the　end
from　her　bosom　with　my　ring　hanging　to　it；　〃it　hurts　me　a　little；　I
can　tell　you；〃　she　said；　with　her　usual　dubious　smile；　〃to　wear　it
in　that　secret　place；　and　since　your　poetical　nature　is　so　stupid
as　to　prefer　a　more　public　position；　I　shall　not　endure　the　pain
any　longer。〃

She　took　off　the　ring　from　the　chain　and　put　it　on　her　finger；
smiling　still；　while　the　blood　rushed　to　my　cheeks；　and　I　could　not
trust　myself　to　say　a　word　of　entreaty　that　she　would　keep　the　ring
where　it　was　before。

I　was　completely　fooled　by　this；　and　for　two　days　shut　myself　up　in
my　own　room　whenever　Bertha　was　absent；　that　I　might　intoxicate
myself　afresh　with　the　thought　of　this　scene　and　all　it　implied。

I　should　mention　that　during　these　two　monthswhich　seemed　a　long
life　to　me　from　the　novelty　and　intensity　of　the　pleasures　and
pains　I　underwentmy　diseased　anticipation　in　other　people's
consciousness　continued　to　torment　me；　now　it　was　my　father；　and
now　my　brother；　now　Mrs。　Filmore　or　her　husband；　and　now　our　German
courier；　whose　stream　of　thought　rushed　upon　me　like　a　ringing　in
the　ears　not　to　be　got　rid　of；　though　it　allowed　my　own　impulses
and　ideas　to　continue　their　uninterrupted　course。　　It　was　like　a
preternaturally　heightened　sense　of　hearing；　making　audible　to　one
a　roar　of　sound　where　others　find　perfect　stillness。　　The　weariness
and　disgust　of　this　involuntary　intrusion　into　other　souls　was
counteracted　only　by　my　ignorance　of　Bertha；　and　my　growing　passion
for　her；　a　passion　enormously　stimulated；　if　not　produced；　by　that
ignorance。　　She　was　my　oasis　of　mystery　in　the　dreary　desert　of
knowledge。　　I　had　never　allowed　my　diseased　condition　to　betray
itself；　or　to　drive　me　into　any　unusual　speech　or　action；　except
once；　when；　in　a　moment　of　peculiar　bitterness　against　my　brother；
I　had　forestalled　some　words　which　I　knew　he　was　going　to　uttera
clever　observation；　which　he　had　prepared　beforehand。　　He　had
occasionally　a　slightly　affected　hesitation　in　his　speech；　and　when
he　paused　an　instant　after　the　second　word；　my　impatience　and
jealousy　impelled　me　to　continue　the　speech　for　him；　as　if　it　were
something　we　had　both　learned　by　rote。　　He　coloured　and　looked
astonished；　as　well　as　annoyed；　and　the　words　had　no　sooner　escaped
my　lips　than　I　felt　a　shock　of　alarm　lest　such　an　anticipation　of
wordsvery　far　from　being　words　of　course；　easy　to　divineshould
have　betrayed　me　as　an　exceptional　being；　a　sort　of　quiet
energumen；　whom　every　one；　Bertha　above　all；　would　shudder　at　and
avoid。　　But　I　magnified；　as　usual；　the　impression　any　word　or　deed
of　mine　could　produce　on　others；　for　no　one　gave　any　sign　of　having
noticed　my　interruption　as　more　than　a　rudeness；　to　be　forgiven　me
on　the　score　of　my　feeble　nervous　condition。

While　this　superadded　consciousness　of　the　actual　was　almost
constant　with　me；　I　had　never　had　a　recurrence　of　that　distinct
prevision　which　I　have　described　in　relation　to　my　first　interview
with　Bertha；　and　I　was　waiting　with　eager　curiosity　to　know　whether
or　not　my　vision　of　Prague　would　prove　to　have　been　an　instance　of
the　same　kind。　　A　few　days　after　the　incident　of　the　opal　ring；　we
were　paying　one　of　our　frequent　visits　to　the　Lichtenberg　Palace。
I　could　never　look　at　many　pictures　in　succession；　for　pictures；
when　they　are　at　all　powerful；　affect　me　so　strongly　that　one　or
two　exhaust　all　my　capability　of　contemplation。　　This　morning　I　had
been　looking　at　Giorgione's　picture　of　the　cruel…eyed　woman；　said
to　be　a　likeness　of　Lucrezia　Borgia。　　I　had　stood　long　alone　before
it；　fascinated　by　the　terrible　reality　of　that　cunning；　relentless
face；　till　I　felt　a　strange　poisoned　sensation；　as　if　I　had　long
been　inhaling　a　fatal　odour；　and　was　just　beginning　to　be　conscious
of　its　effects。　　Perhaps　even　then　I　should　not　have　moved　away；　if
the　rest　of　the　party　had　not　returned　to　this　room；　and　announced
that　they　were　going　to　the　Belvedere　Gallery　to　settle　a　bet　which
had　arisen　between　my　brother　and　Mr。　Filmore　about　a　portrait。　　I
followed　them　dreamily；　and　was　hardly　alive　to　what　occurred　till
they　had　all　gone　up　to　the　gallery；　leaving　me　below；　for　I
refused　to　come　within　sight　of　another　picture　that　day。　　I　made
my　way　to　the　Grand　Terrace；　since　it　was　agreed　that　we　should
saunter　in　the　gardens　when　the　dispute　had　been　decided。　　I　had
been　sitting　here　a　short　space；　vaguely　conscious　of　trim　gardens；
with　a　city　and　green　hills　in　the　distance；　when；　wishing　to　avoid
the　proximity　of　the　sentinel；　I　rose　and　walked　down　the　broad
stone　steps；　intending　to　seat　myself　farther　on　in　the　gardens。
Just　as　I　reached　the　gravel…walk；　I　felt　an　arm　slipped　within
mine；　and　a　light　hand　gently　pressing　my　wrist。　　In　the　same
instant　a　strange　intoxicating　numbness　passed　over　me；　like　the
continuance　or　climax　of　the　sensation　I　was　still　feeling　from　the
gaze　of　Lucrezia　Borgia。　　The　gardens；　the　summer　sky；　the
consciousness　of　Bertha's　arm　being　within　mine；　all　vanished；　and
I　seemed　to　be　suddenly　in　darkness；　out　of　which　there　gradually
broke　a　dim　firelight；　and　I　felt　myself　sitting　in　my　father's
leather　chair　in　the　library　at　home。　　I　knew　the　fireplacethe
dogs　for　the　wood…firethe　black　marble　chimney…piece　with　the
white　marble　medallion　of　the　dying　Cleopatra　in　the　centre。
Intense　and　hopeless　misery　was　pressing　on　my　soul；　the　light
became　stronger；　for　Bertha　was　entering　with　a　candle　in　her　hand…
…Bertha；　my　wifewith　cruel　eyes；　with　green　jewels　and　green
leaves　on　her　white　ball…dress；　every　hateful　thought　within　her
present　to　me　。　。　。　〃Madman；　idiot！　why　don't　you　kill　yourself；
then？〃　　It　was　a　moment　of　hell。　　I　saw　into　her　pitiless　soulsaw
its　barren　worldliness；　its　scorching　hateand　felt　it　clothe　me
round　like　an　air　I　was　obliged　to　breathe。　　She　came　with　her
candle　and　stood　over　me　with　a　bitter　smile　of　contempt；　I　saw　the
great　emerald　brooch　on　her　bosom；　a　studded　serpent　with　diamond
eyes。　　I　shudderedI　despised　this　woman　with　the　barren　soul　and
mean　thoughts；　but　I　felt　helpless　before　her；　as　if　she　clutched
my　bleeding　heart；　and　would　clutch　it　till　the　last　drop　of　life…
blood　ebbed　away。　　She　was　my　wife；　and　we　hated　each　other。
Gradually　the　hearth；　the　dim　library；　the　candle…light
disappearedseemed　to　melt　away　into　a　background　of　light；　the
green　serpent　with　the　diamond　eyes　remaining　a　dark　image　on　the
retina。　　Then　I　had　a　sense　of　my　eyelids　quivering；　and　the　living
daylight　broke　in　upon　me；　I　saw　gardens；　and　heard　voices；　I　was
seated　on　the　steps　of　the　Belvedere　Terrace；　and　my　friends　were
round　me。

The　tumult　of　mind　into　which　I　was　thrown　by　this　hideous　vision
made　me　ill　for　several　days；　and　prolonged　our　stay　at　Vienna。　　I
shuddered　with　horror　as　the　scene　recurred　to　me；　and　it　recurred
constantly；　with　all　its　minutiae；　as　if　they　had　been　burnt　into
my　memory；　and　yet；　such　is　the　madness　of　the　human　heart　under
the　influence　of　its　immediate　desires；　I　felt　a　wild　hell…braving
joy　that　Bertha　was　to　be　mine；　for　the　fulfilment　of　my　former
prevision　concerning　her　first　appearance　before　me；　left　me　little
hope　that　this　last　hideous　glimpse　of　the　future　was　the　mere
diseased　play　of　my　own　mind；　and　had　no　relation　to　external
realities。　　One　thing　alone　I　looked　towards　as　a　possible　means　of
casting　doubt　on　my　terrible　convictionthe　discovery　that　my
vision　of　Prague　had　been　false