the choir invisible-第27章

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；　the　day　before！　Her　deathly　pallor　had　haunted　him　ever　sincethat　look　of　having　suffered　a　terrible　wound。　Perhaps　she　understood　already。

Then　let　her　understand！　Then　at　least　he　could　go　away　better　satisfied：　if　he　never　came　back；　she　would　know：　every　year　of　that　long　separation；　her　mind　would　be　bearing　him　the　pardoning　companionship　that　every　woman　must　yield　the　man　who　has　loved　her；　and　still　loves　her；　wrongfully　and　hopelessly：　of　itself　that　knowledge　would　be　a　great　deal　to　him　during　all　those　years。

Struggle　against　it　as　he　would；　the　purpose　was　steadily　gaining　ground　within　him　to　see　her　and　if　she　did　not　now　know　everything　then　to　tell　her　the　truth。　The　consequences　would　be　a　tragedy；　but　might　it　not　be　a　tragedy　of　another　kind？　For　there　were　darker　moments　when　he　probed　strange　recesses　of　life　for　him　in　the　possibility　that　his　confession　might　open　up　a　like　confession　from　her。　He　had　once　believed　Amy　to　be　true　when　she　was　untrue。　Might　he　not　be　deceived　here？　Might　she　not　appear　true；　but　in　reality　be　untrue？　If　he　were　successfully　concealing　his　love　from　her；　might　she　not　be　successfully　concealing　her　love　from　him？　And　if　they　found　each　other　out；　what　then？

At　such　moments　all　through　him　like　an　alarm　bell　sounded　her　warning：　〃The　only　things　that　need　trouble　us　very　much　are　not　the　things　it　is　right　to　conquer　but　the　things　it　is　wrong　to　conquer。　If　you　ever　conquer　anything　in　yourself　that　is　right；　that　will　be　a　real　trouble　for　you　as　long　as　you　liveand　for　me！〃

Had　she　meant　this？　But　whatever　mood　was　uppermost；　of　one　thing　he　now　felt　assured：　that　the　sight　of　her　made　his　silence　more　difficult。　He　had　fancied　that　her　mere　presence；　her　purity；　her　constancy；　her　loftiness　of　nature　would　rebuke　and　rescue　him　from　the　evil　in　himself：　it　had　only　stamped　upon　this　the　consciousness　of　reality。　He　had　never　even　realized　until　he　saw　her　the　last　time　how　beautiful　she　was；　the　change　in　himself　had　opened　his　eyes　to　this；　and　her　greater　tenderness　toward　him　in　their　talk　of　his　departure；　her　dependence　on　his　friendship；　her　coming　loneliness；　the　sense　of　a　tragedy　in　her　lifeall　these　sweet　half…mute　appeals　to　sympathy　and　affection　had　rioted　in　his　memory　every　moment　since。

Therefore　it　befell　that　the　parson's　sermon　of　the　morning　had　dropped　like　living　coals　on　his　conscience。　It　had　sounded　that　familiar；　lifelong；　best…loved；　trumpet　call　of　dutythe　old　note　of　joy　in　his　strength　rightly　and　valiantly　to　be　put　forthwhich　had　always　kindled　him　and　had　always　been　his　boast。　All　the　afternoon　those　living　coals　of　divine　remonstrance　had　been　burning　into　him　deeper　and　deeper　but　in　vain：　they　could　only　torture；　not　persuade。　For　the　first　time　in　his　life　he　had　met　face　to　face　the　fully　aroused　worst　passions　of　his　own　stubborn；　defiant；　intractable　nature：　they　too　loved　victory　and　were　saying　they　would　have　it。

One　by　one　the　cabins　disappeared　in　the　darkness。　One　by　one　the　stars　bloomed　out　yellow　in　their　still　meadows。　Over　the　vast　green　sea　of　the　eastern　wilderness　the　moon　swung　her　silvery　lamp；　and　up　the　valley　floated　a　wide　veil　of　mist　bedashed　with　silvery　light。

The　parson　climbed　the　crest　of　the　hill；　sat　down；　laid　his　hat　on　the　grass；　and　slipped　his　long　sensitive　fingers　backward　over　his　shining　hair。　Neither　man　spoke　at　first；　their　friendship　put　them　at　ease。　　Nor　did　the　one　notice　the　shrinking　and　dread　which　was　the　other's　only　welcome。

〃Did　you　see　the　Falconers　this　morning？〃

The　parson's　tone　was　searching　and　troubled　and　gentler　than　it　had　been　earlier　that　day。

〃No。〃

〃They　were　looking　for　you。　They　thought　you'd　gone　home　and　said　they'd　go　by　for　you。　They　expected　you　to　go　out　with　them　to　dinner。　Haven't　you　been　there　to…day？〃

〃No。〃

〃I　certainly　supposed　you'd　go。　I　know　they　looked　for　you　and　must　have　been　disappointed。　Isn't　this　your　last　Sunday？〃

〃Yes。〃

He　answered　absently。　He　was　thinking　that　if　she　was　looking　for　him；　then　she　had　not　understood　and　their　relation　still　rested　on　the　old　innocent　footing。　Whatever　explanation　of　his　conduct　and　leave…taking　the　day　before　she　had　devised；　it　had　not　been　in　his　disfavour。　In　all　probability；　she　had　referred　it；　as　she　had　referred　everything　else；　to　his　affair　with　Amy。　His　conscience　smote　him　at　the　thought　of　her　indestructible　trust　in　him。

〃If　this　is　your　last　Sunday；〃　resumed　the　parson　in　a　voice　rather　plaintive；　〃then　this　is　our　last　Sunday　night　together。　And　that　was　my　last　sermon。　Well；　it's　not　a　bad　one　to　take　with　you。　By　the　time　you　get　back；　you'll　thank　me　more　for　it　than　you　did　this　morningif　you　heed　it。〃

There　was　another　silence　before　he　continued；　musingly：

〃What　an　expression　a　sermon　will　sometimes　bring　out　on　a　man's　face！　While　I　was　preaching；　I　saw　many　a　thing　that　no　man　knew　I　saw。　It　was　as　though　I　were　crossing　actual　wilderness…es；　I　met　the　wild　beasts　of　different　souls；　I　crept　up　on　the　lurking　savages　of　the　passions。　I　believe　some　of　those　men　would　have　liked　to　confess　to　me。　I　wish　they　had。〃

He　forbore　to　speak　of　John's　black　look；　though　it　was　of　this　that　he　was　most　grievously　thinking　and　would　have　led　the　way　to　have　explained。　But　no　answer　came。〃

There　was　one　face　with　no　hidden　guilt　in　it；　no　shame。　I　read　into　the　depths　of　that　clear　mind。　It　said：　'I　have　conquered　my　wilderness。'　I　have　never　known　another　such　woman　as　Mrs。　Falconer。　She　never　speaks　of　herself；　but　when　I　am　with　her；　I　feel　that　the　struggles　of　my　life　have　been　nothing。〃

〃Yes；〃　he　continued；　out　of　kindness　trying　to　take　no　notice　of　his　companion's　silence；　〃she　holds　in　quietness　her　land　of　the　spirit；　but　there　are　battle…fields　in　her　nature　that　fill　me　with　awe　by　their　silence。　I'd　dread　to　be　the　person　to　cause　her　any　further　trouble　in　this　world。〃

The　schoolmaster　started　up；　went　into　the　cabin；　and　quickly　came　out　again。　The　parson；　absorbed　in　his　reflections；　had　not　noticed：

〃You've　thought　I've　not　sympathized　with　you　in　your　affair　with　Amy。　　It's　true。　But　if　you'd　ever　loved　this　woman　and　failed；　I　could　have　sympathized。〃

〃Why　don't　you　raise　the　money　to　build　a　better　church　by　getting　up　a　lottery？〃　asked　John；　breaking　in　harshly　upon　the　parson's　gentleness。

The　question　brought　on　a　short　discussion　of　this　method　of　aiding　schools　and　churches；　then　much　in　vogue。　The　parson　rather　favoured　the　plan　（and　it　is　known　that　afterwards　a　better　church　was　built　for　him　through　this　device）；　but　his　companion　bore　but　a　listless　part　in　the　talk：　he　was　balancing　the　chances；　the　honour　and　the　dishonour；　in　a　lottery　of　life。

〃You　are　not　like　yourself　to…day；〃　said　the　parson　reproachfully　after　silence　had　come　on　again。

I　know　it；〃　replied　John　freely；　as　if　awaking　at　last。

〃Well；　each　of　us　has　his　troubles。　Sometimes　I　have　likened　the　human　race　to　a　caravan　of　camels　crossing　a　deserteach　with　sore　on　his　hump　and　each　with　his　load　so　placed　as　to　rub　that　sore。　It　is　all　right　for　the　back　to　bear　its　burden；　but　I　don't　think　there　should　have　been　any　sore！〃

〃Let　me　ask　you　a　question；〃　said　John；　suddenly　and　earnestly。　〃Have　there　ever　been　days　in　your　life　when；　if　you'd　been　the　camel；　you'd　have　thrown　the　load　and　driver　off？〃

〃Ah！〃　said　the　parson　keenly；　but　gave　no　answer。

〃Have　there　ever　been　days　when　you'd　rather　have　done　wrong　than　right？〃

〃Yes；　there　have　been　such　dayswhen　I　was　young　and　wild。〃　The　confession　was　reluctant。

〃Have　you　ever　had　a　trouble；　and　everybody　around　you　fell　upon　you　in　the　belief　that　it　was　something　else？〃

〃That　has　happened　to　meI　suppose　to　all　of　us。〃

〃Were　you　greatly　helped　by　their　misunderstanding　you？〃

〃I　can't　say　that　I　was。〃

〃You　would　have　been　glad　for　them　to　know　the　truth；　but　you　didn't　choose　to　tell　them？〃

〃Yes；　I　have　gone　through　such　an　experience。〃

〃So　that　their　sympathy　was　in　effect　ridiculous？〃

〃That　is　true　also。〃

〃If　you　have　been　through　all　this；〃　said　John　conclusively；　〃then　without　knowing　anything　more；　you　can　understand　why　I　am　not　like　myself；　as　you　say；　and　haven't　been　lately。〃

The　parson　moved　his　chair　over　beside　the　school…master's　and　took　one　of　his　hands　in　both　of　his　own；　drawing　it　into　his　lap。

〃John；〃　he　said　with　affection；　〃I've　been　wrong：　forgive　me！　And　I　can　respect　your　silence。　But　don't　let　anything　come　between　us　and　keep　it　from　me。　One　question　now　on　this　our　last　Sunday　night　together：　Have　you　anything　against　me　in　this　world？〃

〃Not　one　thing！　Have　you　anything　against　me？〃

〃Not　one　thing！〃

Neither　spoke　for　a　while。　　Then　the　parson　resumed：

〃I　not　only　have　nothing　against　you；　but　I've　something　to　say；　we　might　never　meet　hereafter。　You　remember　the　woman　who　broke　the　alabaster　box　for　the　feet　of　the　Saviour　while　he　was　livingthat　most　beautiful　of　all　the　appreciations？　And　you　know　what　we　do？　Let　our　fellow…beings　carry　their　crosses　to　their　Calvarys；　and　after　each　has　suffered　his　agony　and　entered　into　his　peace；　we　go　out　to　him　and　break　our　alabaster　boxes　above　his　stiff　cold　feet。　I　have　always　hoped　that　my　religion　might　enable　me　to　break　my　alabaster　box　for　the　living　who　alone　can　need　itand　who　always　do　need　it。　Here　is　mine　for　your　feet；　John：　Of　all　the　men　I　have　ever　known；　you　are　the　most　sincere；　of　them　all　I　would　soonest　pick　upon　you　to　do　what　is　right；　of　them　all　you　have　the　cleanest　face；　because　you　have　the　most　innocent　heart；　of　them　all　you　have　the　highest　notions　of　what　a　man　may　do　and　be　in　this　life。　I　have　drawn　upon　your　strength　ever　since　I　knew　you。　　You　have　a　great　deal。　It　is　fortunate；　you　will　need　a　great　deal；　for　the　world　will　always　be　a　battle…field　to　you；　but　the　victory　will　be　worth　the　fighting。　And　my　last　words　to　you　are：　fight　it　out　to　the　end；　don't　compromise　with　evil；　don't　lower　your　ideals　or　your　aims。　　If　it　can　be　any　help　to　you　to　know　it；　I　shall　always　be　near　you　in　spirit　when　you　are　in　trouble；　if　you　ever　need　me；　I　will　come；　and　if　my　poor　prayers　can　ever　bring　you　a　blessing；　you　shall　have　that。〃

The　parson　turned　his　calm　face　up　toward　the　firmament　and　tears　glistened　in　his　eyes。　Then　perhaps　from　the　old　habit　and　need　of　following　a　sermon　with　a　hymn；　he　said　quite　simply：

〃Would　you　like　a　little　music？　It　is　the　Good…bye　of　the　Flute　to　you　and　a　pleasant　journey。〃

The　school…master's　head　had　dropped　quickly　upon　his　arms；　which　were　crossed　over　the　back　of　his　chair。　While　the　parson　was　praising　him；　he　had　put　out　his　hand　two　or　three　times　with　wretched；　imploring　gestures。　Keeping　his　face　still　hidden；　he　moved　his　head　now　in　token　of　assent；　and　out　upon　the　stillness　of　the　night　floated　the　Farewell　of　the　Flute。

But　no　sermon；　nor　friendship；　nor　music；　nor　voice　of　conscience；　nor　voice　of　praise；　nor　ideals；　nor　any　other　earthly　thing　could　stand　this　day　against　the　evil　that　was　in　him。　The　parson　had　scarce　gone　away　through　the　misty　beams　before　he　sprang　up　and　seized　his　hat。

There　was　no　fog　out　on　the　clearing。　He　could　not　have　said　why　he　h