hard times(艰难时世)-第53章
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He had a jaded anxious look upon him； and his hand； usually
steady； trembled in hers。 He sat down at the side of the bed；
tenderly asking how she was； and dwelling on the necessity of her
keeping very quiet after her agitation and exposure to the weather
last night。 He spoke in a subdued and troubled voice； very
different from his usual dictatorial manner； and was often at a loss
for words。
“My dear Louisa。 My poor daughter。” He was so much at a loss
at that place； that he stopped altogether。 He tried again。
“My unfortunate child。” The place was so difficult to get over；
that he tried again。
“It would be hopeless for me； Louisa； to endeavour to tell you
how overwhelmed I have been； and still am； by what broke upon
me last night。 The ground on which I stand has ceased to be solid
under my feet。 The only support on which I leaned； and the
strength of which it seemed and still does seem； impossible to
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question； has given way in an instant。 I am stunned by these
discoveries。 I have no selfish meaning in what I say； but I find the
shock of what broke upon me last night； to be very heavy indeed。”
She could give him no comfort herein。 She had suffered the
wreck of her whole life upon the rock。
“I will not say； Louisa； that if you had by any happy chance
undeceived me some time ago； it would have been better for us
both； better for your peace； and better for mine。 For I am sensible
that it may not have been a part of my system to invite any
confidence of that kind。 I have proved my—my system to myself；
and I have rigidly administered it； and I must bear the
responsibility of its failures。 I only entreat you to believe； my
favourite child； I have meant to do right。”
He said it earnestly； and to do him justice he had。 In gauging
fathomless deeps with his little mean excise…rod； and in staggering
over the universe with his rusty stiff…legged compasses； he had
meant to do great things。 Within the limits of his short tether he
had tumbled about； annihilating the flowers of existence with
greater singleness of purpose than many of the blatant personages
whose company he kept。
“I am well assured of what you say； father。 I know I have been
your favourite child。 I know you have intended to make me happy。
I have never blamed you； and I never shall。”
He took her outstretched hand； and retained it in his。
“My dear； I have remained all night at my table； pondering
again and again on what has so painfully passed between us。
When I consider your character； when I consider that what has
been known to me for hours； has been concealed by you for years；
when I consider under what immediate pressure it has been
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forced from you at last； I come to the conclusion that I cannot but
mistrust myself。”
He might have added more than all； when he saw the face now
looking at him。 He did add it in effect； perhaps； as he softly moved
her scattered hair from her forehead with his hand。 Such little
actions； slight in another man； were very noticeable in him； and
his daughter received them as if they had been words of
contrition。
“But；” said Mr Gradgrind； slowly； and with hesitation； as well
as with a wretched sense of helplessness； “if I see reason to
mistrust myself for the past； Louisa； I should also mistrust myself
for the present and the future。 To speak unreservedly to you； I do。
I am far from feeling convinced now； however differently I might
have felt only this time yesterday； that I am fit for the trust you
repose in me； that I know how to respond to the appeal you have
come home to make to me； that I have the right instinct—
supposing it for the moment to be some quality of that nature—
how to help you； and to set you right； my child。”
She had turned upon her pillow； and lay with her face upon her
arm； so that he could not see it。 All her wildness and passion had
subsided； but； though softened； she was not in tears。 Her father
was changed in nothing so much as in the respect that he would
have been glad to see her in tears。
“Some persons hold；” he pursued； still hesitating； “that there is
a wisdom of the Head； and that there is a wisdom of the Heart。 I
have not supposed so； but； as I have said； I mistrust myself now。 I
have supposed the Head to be all…sufficient。 It may not be all…
sufficient； how can I venture this morning to say it is！ If that other
kind of wisdom should be what I have neglected； and should be
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the instinct that is wanted； Louisa—” He suggested it very
doubtfully； as if he were half unwilling to admit it even now。 She
made him no answer； lying before him on her bed； still half…
dressed； much as he had seen her lying on the floor of his room
last night。
“Louisa；” and his hand rested on her hair again； “I have been
absent from here； my dear； a good deal of late； and though your
sister’s training has been pursued according to—the system；” he
appeared to come to that word with great reluctance always； “it
has necessarily been modified by daily associations begun； in her
case； at an early age。 I ask you—ignorantly and humbly； my
daughter—for the better； do you think？”
“Father；” she replied； without stirring； “if any harmony has
been awakened in her young breast that was mute in mine until it
turned to discord； let her thank Heaven for it； and go upon her
happier way； taking it as her greatest blessing that she has avoided
my way。”
“O my child； my child！” he said； in a forlorn manner； “I am an
unhappy man to see you thus！ What avails it to me that you do not
reproach me； if I so bitterly reproach myself！” He bent his head；
and spoke low to her。 “Louisa； I have a misgiving that some
change may have been slowly working about me in this house； by
mere love and gratitude； that what the Head had left undone and
could not do； the Heart may have been doing silently。 Can it be
so？”
She made him no reply。
“I am not too proud to believe it； Louisa。 How could I be
arrogant； and you before me！ Can it be so？ Is it so； my dear？”
He looked upon her； once more； lying cast away there； and
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without another word went out of the room。 He had not been long
gone； when she heard a light tread near the door； and knew that
some one stood beside her。
She did not raise her head。 A dull anger that she should be seen
in her distress； and that the involuntary look she had so resented
should come to this fulfilment； smouldered within her like an
unwholesome fire。 All closely imprisoned forces rend and destroy。
The air that would be healthful to the earth； the water that would
enrich it； the heat that would ripen it； tear it when caged up。 So in
her bosom even now； the strongest qualities she possessed； long
turned upon themselves； became a heap of obduracy； that rose
against a friend。
It was well that soft touch came upon her neck； and that she
understood herself to be supposed to have fallen asleep。 The
sympathetic hand did not claim her resentment。 Let it lie there； let
it lie。
It lay there； warming into life a crowd of gentler thoughts； and
she rested。 As she softened with the quiet； and the consciousness
of being so watched； some tears made their way into her eyes。 The
face touched hers； and she knew that there were tears upon it too；
and she the cause of them。
As Louisa feigned to rouse herself； and sat up； Sissy retired； so
that she stood placidly near the bed…side。
“I hope I have not disturbed you。 I have come to ask if you
would let me stay with you。”
“Why should you stay with me？ My sister will miss you。 You are
everything to her。”
“Am l？” returned Sissy； shaking her head。 “I would be
something to you； if I might。”
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“What？” said Louisa； almost sternly。
“Whatever you want most； if I could be that。 At all events； I
would like to try to be as near it as I can。 And however far off that
may be； I will never tire of trying。 Will you let me？”
“My father sent you to ask me。”
“No indeed；” replied Sissy。 “He told me that I might come in
now； but he sent me away from the room this morning—or at
least—” She hesitated and stopped。
“At least； what？” said Louisa； with her searching eyes upon her。
“I thought it best myself that I should be sent away； for I felt
very uncertain whether you would like to find me here。”
“Have I always hated you so much？”
“I hope not； for I have always loved you； and have always
wished that you should know it。 But yo
