hard times(艰难时世)-第52章
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hand and groaned aloud。
“Father； if you had known； when we were last together here；
what even I feared while I strove against it—as it has been my task
from infancy to strive against every natural prompting that has
arisen in my heart； if you had known that there lingered in my
breast； sensibilities； affections； weaknesses capable of being
cherished into strength； defying all the calculations ever made by
man； and no more known to his arithmetic than his Creator is；—
would you have given me to the husband whom I am now sure
that I hate？”
He said； “No。 No； my poor child。”
“Would you have doomed me； at any time； to the frost and
blight that have hardened and spoiled me？ Would you have
robbed me—for one’s enrichment—only for the greater desolation
of this world—of the immaterial part of my life； the spring and
summer of my belief； my refuge from what is sordid and bad in the
real things around me； my school in which I should have learned
to be more humble and more trusting with them； and to hope in
my little sphere to make them better？”
“O no； no。 No； Louisa。”
“Yet； father； if I had been stone blind； if I had groped my way
by my sense of touch； and had been free； while I knew the shapes
and surfaces of things； to exercise my fancy somewhat； in regard
to them； I should have been a million times wiser； happier； more
loving； more contended； more innocent and human in all good
respects； than I am with the eyes I have。 Now； hear what I have
come to say。”
He moved； to support her with his arm。 She rising as he did so；
they stood close together： she； with a hand upon his shoulder；
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looking fixedly in his face。
“With a hunger and thirst upon me； father； which have never
been for a moment appeased； with an ardent impulse towards
some region where rules； and figures； and definitions were not
quite absolute； I have grown up； battling every inch of my way。”
“I never knew you were unhappy； my child。”
“Father； I always knew it。 In this strife I have almost repulsed
and crushed my better angel into a demon。 What I have learned
has left me doubting； misbelieving； despising； regretting； what I
have not learned； and my dismal resource has been to think that
life would soon go by； and that nothing in it could be worth the
pain and trouble of a contest。”
“And you so young； Louisa！” he said with pity。
“And I so young。 In this condition； father—for I show you now；
without fear or favour； the ordinary deadened state of my mind as
I know it—you proposed my husband to me。 I took him。 I never
made a pretence to him or you that I love him。 I knew； and； father；
you knew； and he knew； that I never did。 I was not wholly
indifferent； for I had a hope of being pleasant and useful to Tom。 I
made that wild escape into something visionary； and have slowly
found out how wild it was。 But Tom had been the subject of all the
little tenderness of my life； perhaps he became so because I knew
so well how to pity him。 It matters little now； except as it may
dispose you think more leniently of his errors。”
As her father held her in his arms； she put her other hand upon
his other shoulder； and still looking fixedly in his face went on。
“When I was irrevocably married； there rose up into rebellion
against the tie； the old strife； made fiercer by all those causes of
disparity which arise out of our two individual natures； and which
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no general laws shall ever rule or state for me； father； until they
shall be able to direct the anatomist where to strike his knife into
the secrets of my soul。”
“Louisa！” he said； and said imploringly； for he well
remembered what had passed between them in their former
interview。
“I do not reproach you； father； I make no complaint。 I am here
with another object。”
“What can I do； child？ Ask me what you will。”
“I am coming to it。 Father； chance then threw into my way a
new acquaintance； a man such as I had had no experience of； used
to the world； light； polished； easy； making no pretences； avowing
the low estimate of everything； that I was half afraid to form in
secret； conveying to me almost immediately； though I don’t know
how or by what degrees； that he understood me； and read my
thoughts。 I could not find that he was worse than I。 These seemed
to be a near affinity between us。 I only wondered it should be
worth his while； who cared for nothing else； to care to so much for
me。”
“For you； Louisa？”
Her father might instinctively have loosened his hold； but that
he felt her strength departing from her； and saw a wild dilating
fire in the eyes steadfastly regarding him。
“I say nothing of his plea for claiming my confidence。 It matters
very little how he gained it。 Father； he did gain it。 What you know
of the story of my marriage； he soon knew； just as well。”
Her father’s face was ashy white； and he held her in both his
arms。
“I have done no worse； I have not disgraced you。 But if you ask
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me whether I have loved him； or do love him； I tell you plainly；
father； that it may be so。 I don’t know！”
She took her hands suddenly from his shoulders and pressed
them both upon her side； while in her face； not like itself—and in
her figure； drawn up； resolute to finish by a last effort what she
had to say—the feelings long suppressed broke loose。
“This night； my husband being away； he has been with me；
declaring himself my lover。 This minute he expects me； for I could
release myself of his presence by no other means。 I do not know
that I am sorry； I do not know that I am ashamed； I do not know
that I am degraded in my own esteem。 All that I know is； your
philosophy and your teaching will not save me。 Now； father； you
have brought me to this。 Save me by some other means！”
He tightened his hold in time to prevent her sinking on the
floor； but she cried out in a terrible voice； “I shall die if you hold
me！ Let me fall upon the ground！” And he laid her down there；
and saw the pride of his heart and the triumph of his system； lying
an insensible heap； at his feet。
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Book the Third：
Garnering
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Chapter 1
Another Thing Needful
ouisa awoke from a torpor； and her eyes languidly opened
on her old bed at home； and her old room。 It seemed； at
L
first； as if all that had happened since the days when these
objects were familiar to her were the shadows of a dream； but
gradually； as the objects became more real to her sight； the events
became more real to her mind。
She could scarcely move her head for pain and heaviness； her
eyes were strained and sore； and she was very weak。 A curious
passive inattention had such possession of her； that the presence
of her little sister in the room did not attract her notice for some
time。 Even when their eyes had met； and her sister had
approached the bed； Louisa lay for minutes looking at her in
silence； and suffering her timidly to hold her passive hand； before
she asked：
“When was I brought to this room？”
“Last night； Louisa。”
“Who brought me here？”
“Sissy； I believe。”
“Why do you believe so？”
“Because I found her here this morning。 She didn’t come to my
bedside to wake me； as she always does； and I went to look for her。
She was not in her own room either； and I went looking for her all
over the house； until I found her here； taking care of you and
cooling your head。 Will you see father？ Sissy said I was to tell him
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when you woke。”
“What a beaming face you have； Jane！” said Louisa； as her
young sister—timidly still—bent down to kiss her。
“Have l？ I am very glad you think so。 I am sure it must be
Sissy’s doing。”
The arm Louisa had begun to twine about her neck； unbent
itself。 “You can tell father； if you will。” Then； staying her a
moment； she said； “It was you who made my room so cheerful； and
gave it this look of welcome？”
“Oh no； Louisa； it was done before I came。 It was—” Louisa
turned upon her pillow； and heard no more。 When her sister had
withdrawn； she turned her head back again； and lay with her face
towards the door； until it opened and her father entered。
He had a jaded anxious look upon him； and his hand； usually
steady； trembled in hers。 He
